Chapter 3

Natalia

~Loving you is not a choice, It's who I am.

(Stephen Sondheim)

You do as the officer tells you and climb the stairs to fetch Emma. Slowly. Each step you take you force yourself to try and think, what would Olivia have done? Olivia wouldn't stand by and let Emma be taken like this. You hated her all over again for leaving you like this. Leaving Emma. Didn't she know how much you needed her? You despised her in that moment, and yet you prayed desperately that she would miraculously appear.

You'd been so foolish. How had you let this happen? Last month you had everything you ever wanted. And you'd taken it all for granted. Your home, your family. A week ago you had Frank. The promise of a new life, a new family, a future. But you weren't leaving Olivia and Emma behind. They would still be part of your life. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do. But you had messed everything up so completely, for Olivia and Emma, for Frank, for every last one of you.

Emma had cried when she had realised you wouldn't be living with her and Olivia anymore.

"What's wrong Emma?" You asked

"I don't want you to marry Frank." She said.

Olivia interrupted "Honey, we talked about this. We want Natalia to be happy."

"Why can't she be happy with us?" Emma asked Olivia.

Olivia looked to you, her eyes silently asking the same question ' Well, Why can't you be happy with us, Natalia?'

You wonder if this whole mess is God's way of punishing you for hurting so many people. You didn't love Frank. Not the way he loved you. You had been lying to him, lying to yourself. And now he is gone too. You'd tried to explain, to apologise. You never truly loved him. You tried hard to make it work, believing it was the right thing. Of course Frank had run. You don't blame him for it. Or perhaps you just don't care so much that he is gone. But Olivia, that's another story. You hate her for leaving you like this, for leaving Emma.

Olivia is gone, Frank is gone, Emma is going. Panic fills you. You still have Rafe. Rafe needs you, you'll get through this. And right now Emma needs you to be strong.

You find Emma quietly sitting on her bed, intently focused on something she was writing. Gone was the happy energetic kid you'd known. She was taking Olivia's disappearance hard.

"What are you doing?" You ask as you sit beside her.

"Writing a letter to mommy." She answers.

You try not to cry. Try to make it sound like things are going to be ok. You are lying to her, and she knows it.

"Emma, your Grandpa thought it would be fun if you stay with him for a little while."

She shakes her head. "I don't want to go." She tells you calmly. Your realise she has complete faith in you. She trusts you that you won't force her to go if she doesn't want to. You stop for a moment, watching her. Waiting just a moment before you shatter that innocent trust forever.

"Your grandpa would really like to spend some time with you. It would be kinda like a holiday." You try to make it sound like fun. You know she won't buy it.

She places her pen and paper down gently, and looks you in the eye. "You don't want me to stay here with you?" She asks, looking suddenly so much older and wiser than her years.

"Of course I do Emma." Your breath catches in your throat.

"Ok then." She smiles at you, and turns back to her letter.

How could you tell her it was out of your hands? That you couldn't protect her or keep her safe? That all your promises to her were meaningless? That she'd already lost Olivia and now she had to leave her home?

"Emma." She won't look at you anymore. She hears the fear in your voice. "I have to go away for a little while. To help your mom with something."

"Can I come?" She asks without meeting your gaze.

"Not this time sweetheart." You reach forward to stroke her hair, she pulls away from you.

"Mommy isn't coming back, is she?"

"Of course she is." You answer, but the words sounded false even to your own ears.

"You're not coming back either." Emma adds.

Your heart breaks for this little girl. The people in her life are vanishing one by one without reason. She can't understand it and you are powerless to explain it.

"She didn't say goodbye to me." Emma says so softly you almost don't hear her.

'She didn't say goodbye to me either.' You think, and then you remember the letter she left behind. "That's because she is coming home really soon." You assure Emma, without stopping to wonder if it was right to build up her hope like that?

"When can I come home?" She asks.

"Soon." You answer. Another lie.

"I don't want to go, don't make me mommy." Her voice trembles as she pleads with you, and tears spill from her desperate eyes.

You can't get used to her calling you 'Mommy'. She never did it in front of Olivia. You felt like you should tell her not to call you that. Especially after you had become engaged to Frank, you were moving on with your life. But on some level you wanted to believe in this family that Emma believed in. You, Olivia, Emma. The farmhouse, the family, Emma and her 'two mommies'. You wanted to believe in it badly. You wanted to live it. It was the reason you had finally broken the engagement with Frank. But it was too late. You realised finally that you were living that life, that family. It wasn't just a child's fantasy. It was right there in your hands. It was yours. And you let it slip through your fingertips.

You can't bring yourself to answer Emma. And in the end you don't have to. Rafe does it for you.

"Emma." Rafe interrupts your conversation. " She's not your mom. She's my mom."

Emma looks up to him, the boy she considers her big brother, who had just shattered her world. You want to scold him for being so cruel. But you realise someone needed to be the bad guy, and better him than you. You couldn't be the one to say it, to say 'I'm not your mommy, this isn't your family, your mommy is gone she isn't coming back, and I can't help you anymore because I'm not really your mommy.'

You reach towards Emma, wanting to pull her close and hold her tight. She flinches away from you, not letting you touch her.

"I hate you." She tells you icily, and you feel her freeze you out.

So much like her mother, you think to yourself.

You promise yourself two things right there and then. First, you are going to find Olivia. Maybe things happen for a reason. Without Emma, there is nothing holding you back. You could search to the ends of the earth. You know you might not like what you find. And even if Olivia is dead, you will find her, bring her home, lay her to rest. It's the only way to find some sort of peace. The second thing you promise to yourself, is that no matter what happens with Olivia, you're coming back for Emma.

"Emma, listen to me. I promise you. I'm going to go find your mommy. And I'll bring her home. And when I do, I'll come back and get you, and we'll all be together again." You desperately want to believe it yourself. You need to believe it.

.

You felt Rafe's eyes burning into you "Don't tell her that." He whispers to you.

"Don't bother, Natalia." Emma adds coldly, and the venom in her voice as she utters your name chills you to the bone.