Author's Note: Hello everyone! I wish you all Happy Holidays and I really hope 2010 brings you all health, happiness, love and whatever else you crave for! So, here's another, little missing moment, taking place during Valentine's Day. I hope you all enjoyed the previous ones and this one not to disappoint you...
Well, I'll just let you lot read now... Enjoy! :)
~Hot Pink And Icy Grey Are Valentine's Gift~
"Why my dear Won-Won doesn't wear his gift?"
I really want to sigh or to throw up all the lunch I've just eaten, but I just smile down to the girl who has her arms tightly around my chest; at the moment, I can't hold it and I compare her arms to the stupid brain that attacked me at the Ministry last year… where's a brain when you need it?
At my mind's words, I instinctively glance at the one person I imagine being in my arms instead of this giggly squid, but as I feel a light squeeze on my ribs, I reply shortly after to the squid's question.
"You know, Lavender, your gift is too special, so I keep it for very special occasions…" I lie with a tone full of sweetness so I seem more convincing and the whole thing looks as if doing the trick perfectly: my girlfriend starts giggling like mad and I feel relief, or at least as regards her unstoppable questions about the awful gift of hers. Because I know very well that the rest of the day, as the already spent part of it, will be very, very intolerable…
Bloody Valentine's Day…
I exhale noisily and I pretend to look at my empty plate, while with the tail of my eye I'm urgently trying to catch a glimpse of my brown-haired love. She sits alone once again, eating a piece of her pie while reading from a book at the same time. Even though the sight is still quite painful and makes my heart whimper, I can't hold a small smile appearing on my still-a-bit-scarred face.
Oh, how much I crave her… I really love her.
I hear Lavender's high-pitched squeals as she's talking excitingly to Parvati, so I dare to look a bit more straightly towards the other side of the long table, where the one half of my soul sits. My pupils enlarge from the warm desire I feel in my blood and I unconsciously wet my suddenly dry lips, the bushy-haired fairy still takes my entire attention. I keep staring and staring as my heart swells and dwindles at the same time, enchantment and throbbing battling brutally in my lanky body, each trying desperately to vanquish the other, yet nothing wins and nothing loses. I'm in the middle of so many, opposite feelings, unable to do a thing, so I just gaze at the source of my breath, yet of my death as well. I feel like I'm in the verge of solid insanity.
A shivering sound brings me back to unwanted reality, and I look up expectantly. The ceiling shows me the sky, which has a dark grey tint now. My ears try to concentrate on sounds despite the chattering of the students, and as my eyes still examining the dull skies, I hear another thunder. A storm is on its way.
My eyes slowly go lower and without realizing how, I see this set of chocolate brown eyes lowering as well, at the same time meeting my sapphire ones.
Time stops abruptly.
Everything else seems so out of focus; everyone's a blurry shadow.
My heart stops beating.
My breath's caught.
My pulse is wild.
I'm going even more insane, if that's possible.
She has her eyes on me; God finally blesses me…
It's like we don't want to let this vital bond get lost- at least I don't. Despite the some distance between us, I look deeply in her eyes, trying to forget everything except from her and the love that's blossoming inside me. I feel exceptionally warm and I want to let a genuine smile surface on my pale face, but I just stare at her as she looks back at me with her brilliant eyes. I try to study her lovely face, to identify some emotion of hers, but she's better than me as regards hiding feelings. Her expression is so unreadable that I can even consider it as cold, but I don't even dare to think of the prospect- my heart needs the hope to keep beating in my ribs. I look and look and look for what I want it to be an eternity, an eternity with just the two of us, but no; she knows exactly the way to make things clear…
She looks away, instantly making me want to scream at the top of my malfunctioning lungs, but my heart only seems to be able to do so. The crucial tie is taken away from me and I feel very lost, even if that seems outlandish. The acid I wanted to keep away from my soul is now back, covering and setting into torturous fire my inner sores like it's nothing… I want to shout, to kill someone, just because I cannot murder the pain that kills me.
Another thunder… Storm is on its way…
I take my eyes away from her form as well, trying to comfort my bruised, wounded ego. I look down at my plate again and I take my full glass in my hand, drinking the water in there in large gulps, trying rather unsuccessfully to drown the burning feeling in my throat.
"What is it, Won-Won?" I hear the stupid voice of my girlfriend and I'm about to struggle her with my bare hands; for some unknown reason, the anger beats the overweight pain in my chest. I look down at her with my face hot and my eyes almost out of the sockets and she seems quite taken aback from the sight- I don't care.
"You don't seem alright…" she says then, her voice quite concerned and gentle, a tone I haven't ever found in her voice. "Do you feel ill?" she continues and the back of her hand touches tenderly my forehead. I shake my head a bit.
"I'm ok" I only say in response, rather glad that my voice isn't harsh or a mirror of my hurt feelings. I suddenly want to break down, just to feel meagerly lighter after the humiliating outburst, but I decide against it, because a place full of nosy students isn't the right place to let hard sentiments free. I exhale all the air out of my lungs, attempting to push some crushing weight out of my torso. I chance a look at her face and I smile a little, because I don't want her to get suspicious or something. "I'm sorry your plans are ruined for today" I say softly, glancing meaningfully at the ceiling above our heads; she pouts her lower lip a bit, but smiles too.
"Well, I just wanted to be the two of us, but I guess we'll have to spend the day inside. Of course, we can have this picnic some other day" she says immediately, looking not at all sad for the change of her plans for the day. I nod and smile a little, even though I don't feel more pleased with the outcome- the particular prospect is no more appealing to me.
I sense someone standing up and making their departure from the Great Hall. I just don't look up because I don't yearn for another clenching of my heart, for another wave of pain that'll make my existence unwilling to stay alive.
I don't look up to even glance at Hermione Granger.
…
I slowly making my way towards the Prefects' Bathroom, the idea of taking a hot bath is rather alluring and I hope it'll help me get slightly calmer and sleep easier- if I manage to fall asleep, for the matter. I say the password under my breath, having no more strength to speak loud, and as I hear to the soft creaking sound, I take a step, my head still bended, eyes cast on the floor when I hear it…
The sound of flowing water followed by a so soft gasp makes me look up curiously. Yes, the sight in front of my eyes is very worth of a good, very loud gasp, but I just stay still, unable to do a single thing.
She's here.
I look at her with so wide eyes and a soul filled with a zillion of emotions. She looks back at me with quite wide eyes as well, yet the rest of her face is expressionless, making me feel much more restless and nervous that I already do. The painting slowly closes behind me and as I'm standing exactly under the doorframe, I'm pushed gently forward, approaching just a couple of steps, even though they are some meters and some oceans between us. I feel quite mournful as I know that I'll never reach her untouched soul, but I'm going to show this to her.
We look into each other's eyes for the second time today, but the atmosphere is so much heavier now, because nothing and no one breaks the solid silence; this time, no one is here to interrupt our flawed moment and there's also no way for us to escape.
We are here to face the ashes of our once existent friendship and I'm not grateful for that.
The fragile bond between us lasts longer this time, like it's a match for dominance from her part; from my part, it's just a meager relief and at the same time, a poor attempt not to break down- I cannot stand this constant encounter between my tangled sentiments any more.
Hermione keeps staring at me but I feel as if the warm chocolate of her irises is solidified from the some coolness of her look and I feel more powerless with the moments flowing like the water. I hear a shuddering thunder from outside and I see with the tail of my eye the flash of light emitting from the window, lightening her face and making it look like stone. I shiver again, but not from the sounds nature is producing.
She breaks the poor connection between us just like she did during lunch- a little knife victoriously stabs my already bleeding heart but I don't even flinch; I'm so used to pain now. I see her taking her bag from the floor and quickly approaching me, even though her destination is the door behind me. Despite that, I feel my heart start beating wildly as the signals of my eyes make me know that she's coming closer and closer… I'm hypnotized and I keep gazing at her, because the pain doesn't always overpower my undying love for her.
She's behind me now but not still on the other side of the painting. I act on impulse, as my spirit is anxious to feel her a bit more…
"Goodnight…" I finally whisper, my back still facing her and my breaths start to come out with a bit more difficulty. I sense her turning around to face me and I turn my own body clumsily, immediately looking at her face. She looks back at me with quite hard eyes, which suddenly start to soften considerably and then begin to widen. I'm about to wonder why's she like that, but her beautiful mouth opens.
"Oh my… Your face…"
Her tone holds some weird emotion in it… like slight worry along with a trace of fright. I steadily look down at her, my entire existence still very numb and too tired to attempt to hold a curious or confused facial expression.
"What about it?" I just say quietly, my voice so soft and tiny and makes want to pity myself, but I just keep gazing at her face. She looks at my face rather scarred but I just stay where I am, only some steps away from her.
"It's… It's full of scars…" she whispers slightly from under her breath and I now realize her behaviour; all these scars that seem not to yearn for leaving me alone, another terrible evidence of the night that still haunts me like I'm a murderer. "And your forehead… How did you get it?" she continues rather horrified as her index finger points weakly up to my scar, the stupid cause of my awful migraines.
"Well, you know, as a friend of Harry's, I thought about getting a scar on the forehead too" I say with some sarcasm slipping out from my lips. I don't know from which part of me this slight irony steams, but I feel weird of being so… cynical in a way, even if it's so pathetic. Her eyes widen a bit more and she seems quite upset- her words show me that I'm right.
"This is not funny at all!" she snaps a bit and then… silence.
I count the seconds with little interest as I try not to get drunk from her beauty. I get more and more distressed with the flowing of the time and all I want to do is to touch her as her appearance here, with me, is too much to comprehend it yet, even after minutes in this bathroom. Feeling the stillness pulling me down agonizingly towards soil, I decide that I have to break this growing silence that engulfs us.
"I'm quite sure you know the answer already" I say with my low voice still in use, answering her previous question. She looks up to me somewhat curiously, probably trying to find in her brain some sort of clue to this unsolved mystery. I firmly stare at her eyes, liking to lose myself in the rich colour that seems warmer again; that's only until I hear her melodic voice once again.
"What are you—" she starts to tell me with a slightly baffled tone, but I see everything in her eyes: I see some sort of new-born realization, the hint of mere uneasiness in the dark depths while she avoids my own eyes; I can understand that she's lying to me.
"I know about your communication with Harry, Hermione!" I cut her off with some irritation in the end of my so weak, low, quite desperate voice. Here it is eventually; I say out loud the one thing that has been stabbing my soul and blackening my days since that day at Grimauld Place. Hearing my words, Hermione seems quite shocked, but I don't feel guilty for causing her that- if it's time for these sort of things, then Hermione should be underground, unable to even forgive herself for the pain I feel. Maybe it's time for more guilt to build another wall between us, but I have enough of this as it is.
"I'm not as fool as you all think I am" I continue lowly, feeling my heart clenching as I see at her face, her still-a-bit-stony look meeting my weak one; a contact that heads to nowhere. I take a deep breath that barely reaches my still-a-little smoky lungs before opening my mouth again. "So, I'm quite sure Harry told you about the fire".
She doesn't say a thing for a moment, just standing there, looking at the other side of the room at the moment. I don't let my twinge to get the best of me and I reassure my tiny heart that everything will be alright after this breakable moment, that we'll be able to let everything out, even though I cannot reassure even myself about the fact.
"I'm sorry" I suddenly listen to her almost inaudible voice and I look at her with slightly bigger eyes, feeling quite surprised. But after a brief moment, surprise is gone and its place takes mere perplexity, because I'm not that sure if she's sorry for what've she done to me during holidays or for the terrible incident at the Burrow. I try to weigh out the two possibilities in my head.
Even though my soul yearns for the first option, my mind unwillingly believes that the second must be the answer.
"Well, you weren't the one who caused my homelessness" I only manage to say, with so tangible bitterness in my voice, but I'm not able to hold it more; how can they want me to be collected when my tiny, shaky world collapses before my eyes and I stay here, immobilized and full of pain, expected to be normal.
I'm not normal anymore. Hope has abandoned me and I haven't the strength to seek out for it.
"I thought you had to go somewhere- I'm sorry I wasted some of your time when you most probably had to do something more important" I say then, since my existence wants her away from me now. I can see her no more; it's a venomous knife that ploughs into my chest cruelly, pulling my blood out of my veins, taking my life away from me.
I want to be in total solitude, because no one can cause me more ache then; no one except from myself.
She looks at me with an unidentified expression in her face, with a nameless emotion in her eyes. I take my eyes away from hers, breaking the non-existent bond because it's more poisonous than emptiness at the time being. I hear an almost soundless 'goodnight, Ron' coming from her way, but I don't look up, I just wait for her to leave, so I can drown in my sorrow and self-pity. The gentle shutting of the painting brings an unkind crack to my heart and I finally choke out my whimper.
I want to hate her, but God, I can't…
"I love you…" I barely whisper but only stone and marble are able to hear my heartfelt confession. Another crack, deeper this time.
I always thought she cared… I always believed that after all, after every single bad moment, we always would be friends, would be inseparable…
I thought wrong.
A so loud thunder breaks the heavy silence that surrounds me inevitably. I turn my head weakly, looking up and out from the window at the black skies, at the thick, unkind clouds. The storm is here, making everything and everyone scarred, yet cleansed.
It cannot compare to the heavy, acidic pour in my soul.
…
I'm on my bed, feeling cold, body and soul. My wide, drained eyes are glued on the curtain above me, but I can't realize it; anything makes no sense to me right now.
The bed suddenly feels so immense and endless under my broken body, and I feel like a speck of dust on it. It's like a vast ocean and I'm just a trivial droplet.
I feel so unimportant.
I think of the cause of all this, of my source of sorrow and joy, of her. Being probably an awful masochist, I try to reply our moment in the bathroom, I badly try to make her voice very real in my head, as tangible as possible, and through all this pain and anguish, I feel it: warmth. Mere tints of warmth in my stomach.
I close my eyes slowly and I know what is gonna follow; the poor, unused sensations of arousal are taking the best of me, making me forget everything. I feel my body lighter through its hardness; I feel it very warm through its numb coldness and I'm suddenly so turned on…
I want her badly, like a beast wants its mouth-watering prey.
I desire her.
"Hermione…"
I feel quite better as I imagine her so hot breaths caressing my icy face… Relief. I sigh and I feel the blood circulating in my body eagerly, in extreme anxiety for more. I sigh again as my breath accelerates a bit, and my back arches a little, trying frantically to find her body, to press with it until we're inescapably one.
Oh, how much I crave to be one with her… but no.
I never find a body.
My light, drunk heart instantly falls in mud and venom and I feel more alone than ever. Sorrow is suddenly so very mild.
My hot skin, in a matter of milliseconds gets freezing cold and I'm shaking violently; arousal is a very far-away past.
I curl my body miserably, becoming an alive ball that most probably finds no taste in its life; no one yearns to savour mire or bitter wine. Tears don't ask for my permission and just start travelling down my twitched face and deep into my soul. I cry and seal my lips off tightly, not craving to hear my own chokes and sobs, even though I know I have to get used to this… I recognize that I'll become an oversensitive whiny, but this is the only medicine, the only drug to make me temporarily numb to this situation…
And I fall asleep without realizing how or when, albeit the shut-down is nowhere near rest…
-Well, what do you think? Ron's probably in an endless maze of his tangled sentiments right now, but why shouldn't he? Things between him, Hermione and Lavender aren't the easiest ones, I guess...
-And I believe it's time now for your amazing REVIEWS to make their appearance! I really want to know your opinion about the story...
-Well, I think a couple of missing moments will be updated, so I'll try to update as soon as possible... Until then, my pals... xxx :)