Chapter 3: You Shouldn't Have Witnessed That

-Kurt's POV-

My second appointment was over. I walked out of the building to my car, and as soon as I sat in the driver's seat and closed the door, I let out a long and heavy sigh. Well that had been pretty intense. But nowhere near as awful as I thought it would be, talking about my past. Blaine was right, saying the words out loud got easier the more you did it. I couldn't control the past, but the future was a completely different story. Maybe there was something in this whole talking therapy thing after all.

I did my seatbelt up and was about to turn the engine on when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to find a whatsapp message had been received from my Dad. I laughed as I read it.

hOW. dID. tHE sESSION. gO?. dAD.

I told Kip it was a bad idea to try and teach my Dad the art of texting, he could barely use his phone to make calls. Even the internet was still a bizarre notion to him, he said it gave him too much of a headache and what was wrong with a good old fashioned encyclopaedia. Older people hey? I started up the engine and began the drive home, still giggling to myself over the text.

-Blaine's POV-

I was sitting on the sofa at home, a glass of red wine in my hand as I read a book. It was a novel, nothing work related. Well I was trying to read it anyway; I'd just had to go over the same paragraph for the fourth time because none of it was going in. My mind was completely distracted. What was the matter with me? I heard a key in the front door and a few seconds later, Mark appeared in the room.

'Hey babe,' he announced.

'Hi,' I replied with a smile.

'Alcohol on a week night?' he smirked, pointing to my glass.

'Don't ask,' I laughed. I put the glass and my book down on the coffee table as Mark sat beside me. He leaned in for a kiss. I ran my hand through his floppy mousy brown locks and rested it at the back of his neck.

When Mark pulled back from the kiss he looked deep into my eyes. 'I grabbed a burger on the way home. Have you eaten?'

'Yeah,' I replied, knowing that look he was giving me.

'Good, let's go to bed then,' Mark whispered into my ear and I felt myself freeze. 'Put your old Dalton uniform on, that never fails to get me going.'

'I... I'm not really in the mood tonight,' I said with an apologetic smile. Mark looked at me with angry eyes.

'When are you ever in the mood?' Mark shouted, making me wince slightly. 'Jesus Blaine.'

'I'm sorry; I've just had a bit of a rough day.'

'Sitting around all day listening to nutters who just want some attention? You really don't know what rough is babe.'

'Don't you dare undermine my work Mark,' I shouted back, really surprising myself by how mad I sounded. But I was sick of him seeing my job as some big money grabbing joke. Mark just stared at me and shook his head. I stood up and grabbed my glass of wine, downing the remains.

'Blaine what are you-'

'I'm going to bed... to sleep,' I said before walking out of the room.

'Blaine,' Mark called out after me, but I ignored him.

-Kurt's POV-

I really wanted to make an effort. After all it was Carole's birthday and she'd been through a lot in the past few months, not helped by my attempted suicide bid a few weeks ago. It seemed so utterly selfish now, yet at the time I felt it was the only option I had. It just goes to show how different our moods and state of minds could be.

I felt sick at the memory. I'd put Dad and Carole through hell, acted horribly and yet they were still there for me no matter what. I really didn't deserve it. I was beyond grateful and doubted I'd ever be able to thank them properly. Tonight's dinner wasn't just a birthday treat, we were also celebrating the news she got three days ago that her cancer was in complete remission. It was one of the rare times I'd seen my Dad cry happy tears. It seemed as though things were starting to look up for the Hummel household, I just hoped it was destined to stay that way. Who knows, maybe in a years time I'll have a date to take along to Carole's next birthday meal. Yeah, as if. But a guy can dream right?

I stood in front of my bedroom mirror, a towel wrapped around my waist from recently having a shower. I can do this, I told myself sternly, thinking back to a conversation I had with Blaine in therapy.

'I get the impression you haven't been yourself for a long time Kurt,' Blaine said to me quietly. 'Would that be a fair observation?'

'I don't know... it's been so long,' I sighed, a little taken aback by his comment. 'I don't really know who the real me is anymore.'

'I may be completely barking up the wrong tree here but... the clothes you wear are very conformist. Comfortable. Neutral colours. Has that always been your style or am I plucking crazy ideas out of thin air?'

Has he been talking to my Dad or something? 'No, I... I used to be pretty outrageous with my clothes in High School, but after... well I just wanted to blend into the crowd, go unnoticed... it's just stayed that way ever since.'

'You mentioned earlier about a dinner coming up for your step Mom's birthday?'

'Yeah next Thursday.'

'How about we use that as an opportunity to release the old Kurt?' Blaine asked with a mischievous smile.

'Oh, I don't know,' I laughed nervously.

'It's ok to be scared, we can work with scared. What I'm asking you to do is try. Mix things up a little. But I want you to feel comfortable in yourself Kurt, you don't have to go crazy changing everything if a little at a time will be more manageable. If you decide you can't do it for whatever reason, that's ok, and we can discuss that in more detail afterwards.'

'I guess I could try,' I said quietly.

'What is it that worries you? People looking?'

'Yeah... judging me... talking about me.'

'What type of things do you imagine people would think?'

'Um, that I look ridiculous, that I look gay, full of myself... that kind of thing.'

'Do you spend your time judging other people Kurt?' Blaine asked with a slight smile.

'Er... no not really. '

'What are the chances of every person you come across judging you do you think?'

'Probably quite low.'

'Say you do walk past someone and you happen to notice they looked at you... it might perhaps be because they're admiring your top, or your shoes, or hairstyle, or they find you attractive or think they recognise you, or even that you just happen to be in their eye line... it doesn't necessarily mean they're thinking something negative.'

'But they might be,' I argued.

'True. But so what if they do? Why does their opinion matter? If you feel good, that's all that matters. If putting a bit of gel in your hair...' Blaine paused to point to his own. '...gives you more confidence and makes you feel... you, then go for it.'

'Hmm,' I responded, letting his words go round and round in my head.

'Take me for example, you asked the very first time we met why I put so much product in my hair.'

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I totally judged Blaine despite being afraid of people judging me. What a complete hypocrite. 'I'm so sorry I said that. I was really nervous that day and I just-'

'Don't worry about it Kurt,' Blaine laughed. 'The point is, I'm happy with my hair. Yeah it's obvious I put a lot of gel in and some people are going to look and think what the hell is that mess, but so what?'

'But how can it not bother you if someone makes a horrible comment?'

'Because if someone remarks negatively about you it's more than likely to be a stranger or person you don't know very well and usually says a lot more about them than you. You have to ask yourself, why would a person feel the need to say something degrading to someone they don't know? It's not the behaviour of a nice person. But everyone has different likes and tastes, the world would be pretty boring if we were all same. Who would you trust more to be honest with you, a complete stranger or a good friend or family?'

'Yeah I see your point.'

'What is the demon saying to you right now about mixing things up a little for your dinner next week?'

'Don't do it.'

'And what does Kurt have to say in reply?'

'Um... shut up?' I offered and Blaine laughed.

So for the first time in years I put a bit of product in my hair, styling it and giving it more of a look instead of my usual flat and lifeless style. I guess over the last few years my hair has been mirroring what's going on inside my mind. Instead of the usual unflattering denim jeans, worn out sneakers and hoodies I wore, I rummaged in my wardrobe and pulled out some old black skinny jeans, a casual nicely fitting white shirt and some brown boots. Of course it was still a lot more conservative than my high school days but I would have grown out of the ghastly clothes I used to wear by now anyway. Well at least I hope I would have. I put all the items of clothing on my bed and stared down at them all, chewing the nail on my right thumb.

Not wanting to overthink it too much and give myself enough time to freak out and change my mind, I snatched up the clothes and put them on, ignoring the anxious feeling in my stomach. It felt nice, the jeans against my legs and the light fabric of the shirt against my chest. Then I went over to the mirror with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath, then opened them, looking over my appearance.

You look stupid.

No I don't.

Yes you do.

So what if I do? I feel good.

People will stare at you.

So what?

You look gay.

I am gay.

People will know you're gay because of your clothes and-

Oh shut the fuck up.

'Be brave, have courage, don't let the demon win. You can do this,' I said aloud to my reflection. Then I sat on the end of my bed, building up the nerve to go downstairs and face the world as me. I glanced over to my laptop to see the last website I was surfing still visible. It was a dating website. I didn't join up as me or anything, but was just looking at the kind of guys that were on there, just out of curiosity. The mere idea of dating still felt completely alien to me, despite the conversation Blaine and I had.

'Kurt, would you like to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship?' Blaine asked cautiously. Oh god, did he have to go down this route?

'In theory,' I replied.

'What's the worst possible scenario you can think of if you went on a date with someone?'

'Um... they'll reject me... think I'm a weirdo... I'll freak out at the slightest thing or touch.'

'That's the demon talking Kurt. What about the positive outcomes? You might actually end up enjoying yourself, making a second date, you might end up falling in love, you might meet someone really special.'

'Not likely,' I whispered.

'Why do you say that?'

'Who would want to be with someone who... who's been...'

I stopped talking and closed my eyes. I took a few deep breaths before opening them again, to find Blaine watching me carefully. He scribbled something down in my file without taking his eyes off me. 'Kurt, you know that's not... statistically, yes I'm sure there would be a few guys out there who would react negatively to that information.'

'Just a few?' I scoffed.

'But you have to ask yourself whether that's the type of person you'd want to be with anyway. Most guys would be sympathetic, they'd do their best to understand and support you. Everyone is different, there are some people who don't wish to be in a relationship and jump from one fling to another, and there are some people who have been married to the love of their lives for sixty years.'

How the hell would he know? He wasn't gay; he didn't know how gay guy's minds worked. I'd read loads of stuff online and seen countless men at the bar I went to. The majority of them seemed shallow and completely full of themselves and pretty much after one thing. I really didn't feel like arguing with Blaine and I knew he meant well and was just trying to help.

'The gay community is different.'

'You think so?'

'I don't expect you to understand,' I smiled and Blaine looked thoughtful for a moment.

'Ok, tell me how the thought of dating makes you feel?'

'The whole thing just terrifies me.'

'Is it the sexual aspect of relationships that frightens you the most?'

'I guess,' I gulped. 'Just the thought of... of... it makes me feel sick and dirty.'

'It's not surprising you feel that way after what you experienced. Sex was used against you to cause fear, control, power, humiliation... nobody would blame you for wanting to be completely sure about someone, one hundred per cent certain you trust them before even thinking of taking that step. But there are so many steps prior to any couple deciding to be intimate with each other.'

'I guess,' I whispered, not convinced I'd ever meet someone who would be ok with what I've been through. Surely most guys would run a mile?

'Have you ever been asked out on a date Kurt?' Blaine asked.

'Yeah,' I nodded, feeling myself blush a little.

'Were you ever tempted to say yes? Did you ever say yes and not follow through?'

'Um, I used to accept the odd phone number, but never called or text them... then a couple of years ago a guy asked to buy me a drink. I said I was waiting for someone. An hour later he came back to me and said whoever had stood me up was a fool and gave me his business card. He was really good looking and seemed quite sweet... after about three sleepless nights and constant anxiety... I sent him a text. We chatted for about a week, as he was out of town. Then he asked me out on a date... I didn't turn up...'

'How did you feel?'

'Pathetic. Completely and utterly pathetic. I was on the brink of doing something really stupid.'

'But you didn't?'

'No.'

'What do you think stopped you?'

'I really don't know,' I answered truthfully.

'What made you fail to turn up for the date? What were you worried about?'

'Everything... from engaging in small talk, to... the end of date kiss.'

'Relationships take time to build. You shouldn't constantly be thinking ahead, take baby steps. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Nobody learns to drive a car in one lesson. Nobody qualifies as a Doctor after one lecture. It really is about pacing yourself to what you feel most comfortable with. You don't have to kiss somebody on a first date, but on the other hand, in the moment, you might surprise yourself and find you actually want to.'

'The whole idea just still really freaks me out... I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable enough to go on a date with anyone.'

'If you learn to not allow those thoughts to consume your mind, you'll have more control and be able to concentrate on the positives.'

'I hope so,' I laughed. 'I think it would be a miracle though.'

'Well I hope you prove yourself wrong,' Blaine smiled.

I looked at the clock on my wall; we were supposed to be leaving about now to go to the restaurant. I took a deep breath and got up from my bed. I turned my laptop off and grabbed my phone before running down the stairs. Carole was standing in the hallway ready to leave, wearing a red dress. She gave me a warm smile.

'You look gorgeous Carole,' I said and gave her a quick hug.

'So do you honey,' Carole replied. 'I really love those boots you're wearing.'

'Thanks,' I smiled. 'I found them at the back of my wardrobe.'

'Well Kip is running late so he'll meet us at the restaurant.'

'Typical,' I laughed.

I had very mixed feelings about Kip. I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't dislike him, in fact he was an amazing guy and I adored him. He came to our house halfway through my junior year at high school, so not long before... well you know. Back then, he was just an annoying thirteen year old who was only supposed to be with us a few weeks at the most under a court order for foster care. But Dad and Carole ended up adopting him and he only moved out once he started his degree at Columbus in sports science two years ago. We weren't close like brothers should be, although he spent a long time trying with me.

I feel really guilty that I didn't contribute more; it would have been a chance to have a proper younger brother and a close sibling bond. I guess I was way too preoccupied loathing myself and my life to really bother caring about another person. But he's grown up to be a great young man and really sees us as his true family which is nice. Things had improved lately, he still came over for dinner and stayed some weekends and I wasn't so inclined to shut myself away all the time.

My Dad appeared in the hallway, all dressed and ready. He looked me over and then turned to Carole, handing her his car keys. 'Could you give us a minute?' he asked her. Uh oh.

'Of course.'

Carole walked out of the house. When the door closed behind her Dad turned to me. I felt nervous, what was he going to say? That I should change? That I looked stupid? That I was being selfish and ruining Carole's night?

'Kurt, I just want to say... I don't know if it's the meds you're taking, or that doctor... or a combination of the two, but I'm real proud of you the past few weeks. It's like I'm seeing my son again for the first time in years. I love you kid.'

'Thanks Dad,' I whispered, swallowing a lump that had formed in my throat and hugging him. I hadn't been expecting him to say anything like that. 'I love you too.'

We let each other go, both trying to pretend we weren't on the brink of tears. 'So, are you ready to go?'

'Yeah,' I replied. 'But one thing, you could have told Carole how nice she looked.'

'Didn't I?' Dad frowned and I laughed.

'No, you just chucked her the car keys and told her to leave.'

'Oh yeah. Do you think it's too late?'

'Of course not, now come on I'm starving.'

-Blaine's POV-

Mark and I were out for dinner. Neither of us could be bothered to cook when we got in from work so we decided to pay an overdue visit to our favourite Italian restaurant. We'd had our starters and were working our way through the main course. I had spaghetti and Mark had the lasagna.

'This is yummy; it really puts microwave meals to shame. '

'Well you could try cooking instead,' I laughed.

'Yeah but that takes so much effort and clearing up.'

'I cook.'

'That's why I love you,' Mark winked and I laughed.

'You're with me because I feed you?'

'Pretty much babe.'

'It is nice to come out for a change though, rather than eating side by side on the sofa.'

'It's modern living,' Mark shrugged. 'Anyway, my Mom's been on the phone again about going up for a weekend. We really need to sort out dates Blaine.'

'Of course, it'll be good to see your Mom again,' I said and took a sip of my red wine.

'Well she loves you; she thinks you're a perfect gentleman.'

I smiled. 'Aww, does that mean she thinks you're not? Am I the son she wished she had?'

Mark laughed. 'Very funny. So how about next weekend, I was thinking Friday to Sunday? The weather forecast is looking pretty good at the moment, we could have a barbecue.'

'Let me check.'

I took my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through my diary. 'Well the next two Friday's I have clients in the late afternoon so couldn't do Friday to Sunday, but the Friday following that I'm completely clear so I could get my PA to block that day out if you want to make a whole weekend if it.'

'Three weeks?' Mark shouted loudly, making me jump. I glanced around and a few people from nearby tables had turned to look at us.

'There's no need to shout,' I said quietly.

'Three bloody weeks, are you serious?'

'I'm sorry, I can't just drop things. I need a bit of notice.'

'Just cancel or move a few appointments Blaine, it's no big deal.'

'You know I don't like that doing that.'

'I don't care, it's not like I'm asking you to do it every fucking week. It's a one off.'

'Sorry, but I'm not prepared to go back on pre-arranged appointments.'

'So you're choosing work over you own boyfriend?'

'Don't be ridiculous,' I sighed. I couldn't believe we were doing this in the middle of a restaurant. 'You know that's not the case. How about we go Saturday morning instead?'

'It's an eight hour drive Blaine, we can't do that two days running.'

'I'll pay for flights then.'

'No Blaine,' Mark snapped. 'Just cancel your "clients" on Friday or fucking call in sick.'

'Mark, you need to calm down.'

'Don't tell me to calm down Blaine. I don't understand what the big deal is taking one afternoon off work.'

'And I will in three weeks time if you want to drive up. We could even see if there are flights on the Friday eve-'

'You're unbelievable. I really can't believe you're doing this.'

Was I imagining things? How could someone get so worked up about a weekend trip that hadn't even been mentioned until two minutes ago. 'Let's talk about this rationally.'

Mark's eyes flashed with anger. 'I'm not one of your fucking attention whores.'

Mark picked up his glass of wine and drained the contents before standing up from the table. He shook his head at me and laughed without any trace of humour. Then he walked a few steps towards the door leading out onto the street, but turned around to look at me again.

'You know what? I don't even know why I'm surprised. I mean, where am I on your list of priorities? Second? Third? Fourth? Do I even make the top ten?'

I just wanted to die of embarrassment. Seriously, I would happily be put out of my misery right now. The noise in the restaurant had slowly disappeared to pretty much nothing as everyone turned to see what the commotion was. I stood up and rushed over to him.

'You're making a scene,' I whispered.

'Too right I'm making a goddamn scene,' Mark replied, not bothering to lower his voice even though I was right in front of him.

'Please come and sit back down,' I begged quietly.

'No, I've had enough Blaine. You care more about your bloody job then you do our relationship. We're finished.'

Mark turned away from me and stormed out of the restaurant. I felt myself blushing so much, heat was radiating off my skin. I looked around and realised the whole restaurant was staring at me. It wasn't until I turned to walk back to my table, intent on paying the bill and getting the hell out of there, that I caught his eye. Kurt. Shit. He was sitting at a table with his Dad and a woman I assumed must be his step Mom. He was giving me a curious stare, as though he'd never really looked at me properly before.

-Kurt's POV-

'Is that... oh my god is that Dr Anderson?' I heard Dad say as I held Blaine's gaze. He looked as though I'd punched him in the face or something. Then he looked away and rushed back to his table. My heart was thumping, what the hell had just happened here? So Blaine was gay too? I don't know why, but that piece of information made me feel all warm inside. But I felt so bad for what he had just gone through with his boyfriend. Despite whatever had occurred between Blaine and the arsehole that walked out, he didn't deserve being humiliated in front of the whole restaurant like that. Blaine seemed far too nice to do anything horrible to another person.

'Yeah it is,' I answered my Dad. He had a good memory, having only seen Blaine once when I went for my first appointment.

'Poor guy,' Carole said sympathetically.

'I'll be back in a minute,' I said to them both as I stood up. It just didn't feel right not doing anything, and maybe seeing a somewhat familiar face may even be a comfort to Blaine.

'Kurt, I don't think he wants to be bothered,' Dad warned me but I chose to ignore his advice. When I reached Blaine's table he was counting out dollar bills.

'Er... hi,' I said and Blaine's head snapped up to look at me.

'Kurt, hey,' he replied with a small smile. 'How are you?'

'Yeah good... how about you?'

Blaine let out a humourless laugh. 'Well, I've been better. I really can't apologise enough about what just happened. I feel so embarrassed.'

'It's ok.'

'No it's really not ok. You shouldn't have witnessed that. Nobody should have witnessed that.'

'Don't worry, we've all got problems,' I said, shoving my hands into my pockets.

'Yeah,' Blaine sighed. He placed the final bill on the table and then stood up, grabbing his coat from the back of his chair. 'Enjoy the rest of your evening Kurt.'

'Thanks.'

Blaine started to walk off but then he turned around and looked at me. 'Oh and Kurt? Well done, you look really great.'

He shot me one last smile before making a swift exit out of the restaurant, running his hand anxiously through his hair as he went, which was quite a feat considering all the gel he used.