hey. this is an ok chap, i think. i am a dave fan forever so he now joins us. i love him!! DAVE 4 GEE. but who knows how the story will turn out ;)
Sunday July 18th
On the bench of life
In the park
3.00 p.m
So, I am back on the rack of lurrrrve. I must – once again – take a trip to the cake shop of aggers.
10 seconds later
But I can't really go over it now. I am stuck by the duck pond with my insane sister.
2 minutes later
Wow… I've never heard a duck make that noise. Ho hum pig's bum. At least that duck does not have MY problems.
20 seconds later
Well… he probably doesn't. Unless he is caught between two rival female ducks.
5 seconds later
Or, maybe the duck IS female. How do you tell?
10 seconds later
Uh-oh… looks like Libby is trying to find out…
3.30 p.m
I've managed to drag Libby – hissing and spitting – away from the poor duck. It is probably scarred for life, whatever gender it is.
12 seconds later
Unless it enjoyed it. Perhaps it is a lezzie duck, with a crush on my sister. Or it is a male duck, and prefers insane human toddlers to other pond creatures.
5 seconds later
That's a bit pervy. Libby is very young.
Home
In my room
3.40 p.m
Mutti came and sat on my bed. Her nungas are barely concealed in a LEATHER top. She looks like a prozzie who rides motorbikes.
I said, "Mutti, what on earth are you wearing?"
"My new top. I bought it at one of those hip places you like."
Hip? Nobody says 'hip' anymore. I thought about telling her this, but she just continued burbling about how she 'was in the prime of life' and had 'a great figure'. I tuned out until she said:
"A boy came over to see you."
I sat bolt upright.
"What boy?"
"He didn't give a name. He was very dishy though, hun."
Dishy?!
"When was this?"
"About ten minutes ago. You were still in the park."
"And you were still wearing that… top?"
"Yep. He seemed to appreciate it."
And she walked out before I could say anything else!
3.45 p.m
I can't believe one of my wood-be boyfriends saw my mother's nunga-nungas! She has no pridenosity, and now they will probably never return. (the boy, not the nungas)
2 minutes later
Well, maybe that would solve my problem.
3.50 p.m
Phoned Jas.
"Jas?"
"What?"
"What are you 'what-ing' about?"
"I'm just saying 'what'"
"Well can you stop?"
Silence.
"Jas? What are you doing?"
"I'm not saying 'what'"
Argh! She is so infuriating. I put the phone down on her.
3.52 p.m
That showed her.
3.53 p.m
Phoned Jas.
"Jas?"
"Ce qui?"
"What?"
"Yes."
"What does Ce qui mean?"
"What."
"I said, what does ce qui mean?!"
"WHAT!!"
"Huh?"
"Ce qui means WHAT in French."
"Oh."
"So CE QUI do you want, Georgia?"
"Well I wanted to tell you about my aggers situation. But forget it now."
"Fine."
Silence.
"Jas?"
"Ce qui?"
"Do you want to hear about my situation?"
"All right then, ce qui-ever."
"Well you can't!"
And I slammed the phone down again.
3.55 p.m
Hahahahahahahahaha! I am sooooo funny.
20 seconds later
Phoned Rosie
"Allo?"
"RoRo? C'est Gee."
"Ah… bonjour mon petite pally… have you been heeding the call of the HORNNNNN today?"
"Ah, non. I am in le situation drastique. I need your wisdomosity."
"Oh… wait, I shall get out my beard."
"Rosie, you do not need the beard. We are on the phone."
"It feels nice."
Silence, and a bit of rustling.
"Have you got it on now?"
"Oui. Now tell Madame Rosieeeee your troubles."
"I am once again in the cake shop of aggers, as you know."
"Ja."
"When did you switch to German?"
"I am embracing my inner Herr Kaymer."
Good grief.
"And now it is worse."
"Worse?"
"Yep."
"Ooooooh."
"One of the potential BFs came round earlier, and saw my mother in a prozzie top."
"Non!"
"Mais oui!"
"Ooooooh."
"What are you 'oooooh'ing about?"
"I am being sympathetic."
"Well it is not helpful."
"Have no fear, mon cupcake. Madame Rose has a solution."
"What?"
"Blind him."
5.00 p.m
In Boots with the gang
Trying on make up testers.
I don't know why I am bothering since I have no money, and no boyfriend to impress.
Jas is ignorez-vousing me. I tried to link arms with her, but she sped up and nearly crashed into a lamp post. Then she glared at me when I fell about laughing.
"My dear Jazzy Spazzy, you know how I lurrrrrrve you!" I called.
The ungrateful nitwit just rolled her eyes and stormed off. C'est la vie.
5.10 p.m
I am a goosegog.
We just bumped into the guys outside Boots. Jools is cosying up to Rollo, Mabs is giggling stupidly at everything Ed says, Ellen is stuttering at Dec and Jas is chatting to Tom about voles. Sven has dragged Rosie back into Boots, and she is putting blusher on his cheeks. He is enjoying it… weirdo.
I am all aloney, on my owney.
Lurrrrve hurts.
5 minutes later
Dave has appeared, shouting.
"Hallooooooo laydeeez!! The Vati is here!"
He has the nerve to come and fling is arms around my waist!
Cheeky Cat.
I shoved away from him, and said, in what I think is a dignified voice, "David, please do not maul me."
"Ah. You know you love it, KittyKat. You embrace the horn."
He is calling me a minx! A prozzie!
"I do NOT!"
Everyone laughed as I shoved him into a hedge, and stormed away.
"Gee! Come back!" He called. "You know you lurrrrrve me really!"
I felt a strange flutter in my chest at that. Which was very weird.
But I kept walking.
8.30 p.m
Home
In my room
In my bed of confusinosity and pain, contemplating my horrible life.
I live with a clown-car-driving-badger-chinned-fatty-vati, a copycat-pervert-prozzie-mutti and a crazy-animal-molestor-type-toddler. Who are all insane and belong in looney bins.
Perhaps I should join them. Heed the call of the Nicolson genes.
2 minutes later
It would probably be easier.
9.15 p.m
There's a strange pattering sound against my window. Is it raining?
2 minutes later
Gah. It is still there, interrupting my deep thought.
30 seconds later
At my window.
It's Dave the Laugh! What's he doing here? He is standing on the street, staring up at me.
He is holding a handful of rocks.
What the hell? When did this become a rom-com?
2 seconds later
Well, it's always a 'com' with Dave's antics. But there is no 'rom' in it, 'cos I do not 'rom' him and he does not 'rom' me.
1 second later
I'd better go downstairs and see what he wants. He is my mate, after all.
Review please.