Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight and I apologize for any errors, I have no beta.

Enjoy. This is before the school chapter

Ch. 3 EPOV Explaining

Thoughts that Edward hears will be in italics

Today was the anniversary of her murder. Today was the day that I couldn't bear to deal with emotionally let alone embrace my family's frivolous whims.

"Edward!!!!" the high pitched whine that accompanied Alice and her frustration with me rang throughout the house.

"Get down here already! We have to go to the mall for new outfits and I am not about to deal with you going there looking like an absolute bum!" she continued to berate me.

I leaned my head back allowing it to hit the back wall of my room with little force. My hands curled into fists at my sides as I fought my emotions back into the little cage I kept them locked in.

I loved Alice. She was my baby sister in every way that mattered. She understood me in a way my other siblings never could, and she never teased or gave me a hard time about my past or my problems except for when it influenced my fashion or my potential departure from the family.

However, as she continued to yell at me through her thoughts because I wasn't feeling up to getting dressed aside from the black sweats I wore I couldn't help but not care.

Only Carlisle knew why I so eternally broken and he had sworn to me that he would never divulge anything regarding my past. So when he sensed my siblings getting more frustrated with me he finally confronted them.

"Enough!" He was firm and his voice didn't waver.

Edward I know this is hard, but they don't understand. Son I cannot even begin to know what you must be going through, but if you would tell them…. I know they would understand…

A brought my head forward and pounded it backwards into the wall behind me breaking though the drywall and hearing the measly frame groan under the protest.

While my family quieted and let themselves question me internally.

Esme pleaded, Oh Edward, why are you so upset. Please let us in.

Jasper questioned, Damn Edward, what the hell has you so upset?

If you would just relieve some of that tension bro, then I swear you would feel better. Emmett joked.

Such a little freckin emo you are Edward. Grow the fuck up. Rosalie bitched like always.

But it was Alice that broke me.

Edward….I love you please don't leave me. Let me help you, I can try to make it better Edward, I need you in my life.

I let a strangled sob escape me.

My family stopped moving. They had never heard me ever allow them to hear any physical distress from me. They knew I brooded, and that it was hard for me to be alone, but they didn't know the truth except for Carlisle.

They didn't know that I loved a girl. They didn't know her name, and that we were engaged while we were human. They thought my mother pleaded with Carlisle to change me, but my mother had died before I was even sick. My mother had begged me to give Bella her ring, and to let Bella make an honest man out of me. My family didn't know it was Bella who begged for Carlisle to save me, who begged to sacrifice her own self if it meant I got to take another breathe. They thought I rebelled against this lifestyle, and that was why I had left Carlisle. But it wasn't. I left Carlisle to go and return to Bella, and when I found her grave and heard she was murdered I sought revenge. I could have cared less for the blood that ran through their veins, my soul had broken and all hope was diminished when I learned that my Bella's body had never been recovered.

They didn't know it was Bella and her unwavering need for me to exist that kept me from going to the Volturi and having my existence be ended.

I didn't want them to know. It was hard enough to remember my love, and I did not want to be reminded every millisecond of my family's pity by their thoughts if they knew the truth.

So I lied and I kept it up. Of course Jasper knew, he could feel my dishonesty, pain and shame. He could feel my loss, but he had stopped questioning me. I knew Alice and Esme suspected, but they respected my privacy.

I couldn't tell them, but I couldn't stop the pain. For 92 years I have kept it all inside except for when I had first changed. I had put lashed out, and left Carlisle

I heard my family walk up the stairs, and come to my room. I felt their eyes on me, and the shock and pity in their thoughts and when Carlisle thought her name I broke.

The sobs ripped against my body and I went to throw my head back again, but a pair of tiny hands stopped me from creating further damage.

I opened my eyes, stinging from the venom that covered my eyes as they wanted to form tears but couldn't and looked into Alice's eyes.

Oh Edward. You don't have to tell me just don't break on me.

She was too late. I was already broken. Beyond repair.

Edward, please don't force me out. I may not know what is wrong but I do know that you can't do this by yourself. Alice was unwavering and her love for me was unconditional.

I couldn't tell her, but I had never let my family see an ounce of pain in me.

Alice was right. I couldn't do this alone. I had been trying and it just kept hurting.

Bella wanted me to live, and while I couldn't be happy I could still live for her.

I shut my eyes and leaned my head against my baby sister's shoulder, and let her know that I wouldn't leave her.

"I'm staying Alice. Don't worry, I won't leave you, but I'm broken and this is never going to go away. I'm sorry." It was all I could give her…for now.

My family's thoughts were in disarray. They had always assumed I was moody, and now they were all curious. They knew they didn't know something that was personal to me, and that surprised them. They thought they had known everything.

It was breaking Esme to see me this way. My brothers, Jasper and Emmett were shocked. Rosalie was a bit remorseful which surprised me, but Carlisle couldn't stop himself from thinking and his thoughts just broke me more.

He recalled in perfect detail as she worked uselessly over my failing body. Tears streaking down her beautiful face as she couldn't even take the time to wipe them away. Her soft voice begging me to stay for her, to marry her and give her children. He remembered her begging him, clutching at his shirt like she was ready to kill him if he denied her and I saw his regret for not letting her have a proper goodbye. He remembered her heart shattering scream pierce the air as she turned to provide me with the subtle of relief of a cool rag only to find my body and the doctor she trusted with my life gone.

I broke two lives that day. Maybe I should have turned her too. Then at least they would be together.

Another set of sobs racked through my body, and I found myself clutching Alice for support as she tried to calm me by rubbing my back soothingly.

Carlisle realized where his thoughts had taken him and spoke. "Oh Edward, my boy" his voice broke slightly. "I am sorry I should have paid attention to my thoughts. I am sorry."

My family's thoughts grew more inquisitive as they now wondered what Carlisle knew about me. I couldn't acknowledge anyone as my body was shaking too hard.

"No! One of the two of you needs to tell us what is wrong right now! We are a family and we can help one another. I will not stand by and watch my son suffer when I could help!" Esme demanded with urgency that only a mother could provide.

I loved her for caring, but I couldn't share, not everything.

I leaned my head back into the damage I had caused, and looked my Alice. Her tiny hands reached out to try and smooth my restless hair back against my scalp, and I couldn't help but smirk at her subtle hint that she still cared about appearances throughout any situation.

I love you Edward. Alice's thoughts were pure and full of concern.

She smiled back at me and kissed my forehead before standing and walking back to Jasper's side and he pulled her into a comforting hug.

It broke me a little because I used to be able to hug Bella, but I couldn't hug a body that was missing.

Carlisle was quiet. He would never betray my trust.

"Well Edward." Esme was stubborn, and I owed her some sort of explanation.

I gave an unneeded sigh and tilted my head to look at my family. Their faces resembled their thoughts. All worry and concern for what they had just learned I was going through.

The sun was shining through the glass wall in my room and it reflected off my bare chest and arms in facets that caused rainbows to bounce off the walls. I smiled slightly knowing Bella would think it was pretty. She had always loved prisms. She would want me to have a family, and to embrace them so I would try for her.

My voice shook as I tried to explain the best I could.

"When I was human…. I was engaged. She was the one who begged Carlisle to save me..."

Their thoughts resounded with the confusion over the lie they now knew I had told them, but thankfully they saved their questions for another time. I would never get through this if I was interrupted.

"A year after Carlisle turned me; I left him not because I rebelled against living off animals, but more so that I rebelled against living without her. I returned to Chicago only to discover that she was…. That she had been…" my voice was shaking harder now as the anger I felt filtered into my pain, and I felt an overwhelming calm come over me. I looked at Jasper and nodded in thanks. I took an unneeded breath and continued. "She was reported missing earlier that month, and her body was never found. I spent years hunting the scum that didn't deserve to walk the streets that my love had been taken from. They didn't deserve to live if she wasn't in this world anymore."

"I hoped that I would get revenge. Find the scum that had hurt her, and make him suffer. I hoped I would be able to find her body, but I never did."

"I went to the place where she was killed hoping to find answers, but I found nothing. I eventually came back home to Carlisle. I knew that she wanted me to stay alive, and I couldn't do it searching for her when she was gone."

"Today is the anniversary of the day she was murdered. The day she was taken out of my world."

My family was feeling my pain now. They knew, and they had questions but they had the decency not to ask. Not yet anyway.

I looked out to the forests taking in the views that I knew she would have loved. A view she surely would have made a song out of.

Surprising myself and my family I continued talking. I found that I wanted to share more with my family. It actually felt a little soothing to talk about her.

"She used to sing to me. It was how we met actually. I was playing a concert recital at a benefit for my mother's debutante ball and she was there being debuted. She was in every way a true debutant in her white dress and gloves. She looked every bit the angel and I was instantly jealous of her escort as I sat stuck at the piano."

I found myself smiling at the memory.

"I lucked out though because as the evening wore on her mother pushed her to the stage and she sang as I played."

I paused remembering the song, and how she had closed her eyes allowing the memory to warm my dead heart. Then I continued.

"We were soul mates and I had known I would be with her from the moment she descended those stairs. We were inseparable after that day on."

Now my family could understand better my reaction to the piano sometimes. Why there were days where I couldn't bring myself to even look at it. I would never tell them the rest of Bella's and mine stories about pianos. It would hurt too much, and those were memories I didn't want to relive without her.

Emmett was the only one brave enough to ask a question. It was simple, but I knew it would hurt.

"What was her name?"

I looked at him square in the eye and saw that he was just genuinely curious. Of course Emmett would care about something so seemingly simple.

I gathered all of the strength I had left in me so I could reply. All he wanted was her name, and I could do this.

"Bella."

A.N: REVIEW. I will update quickly if I get reviews. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I will do the next chapter in EPOV too to where him and Bella meet at school. Then I will go back and forth between EPOV and BPOV

IF you want I will do an Outtake of APOV and the other Cullen's POVS about hearing Edward's story, and meeting Bella at school but that will be up to you readers and it will be as an outtake after the story or as a separate document posting.

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW if you want another chapter REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW

Thanks for reading!

Mary