A/N: This story is literally all that I can think of. I am planning on posting a playlist of the songs that have inspired the chapters for download on Tumblr within the next few days. I would like to thank all of you who have followed the story, as well as those of you who added "Sessions" as a favorite. In addition, I would like to thank Reckreator for reviewing each chapter so far and also for leaving me hooked on "Endure and Survive". Last but certainly not least, a special thanks to Reasons Lost (for being an outstanding Beta reader), Broken Tourniquet, and WhatTheSchmuck at CroftManor9192 for being my Lara x Sam buddies, as well as sharing each chapter on Tumblr, encouraging shippers to read "Sessions". I strongly recommend their collaborative story "Questions Left Unanswered" as well as each of their individual works.

ALSO: To the guest who reviewed that Tuesday the 25th of July is in 2017, I'm only writing what I read in the "SESSIONS" Column of the Documents in "Rise of The Tomb Raider". However, for the sake of keeping it within the appropriate time frame, I changed it to Thursday, so that it is in 2013. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that's a possible release date they have planned for the next TR game.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything.

THE SESSIONS

CHAPTER THREE - The Feelings That Remain

"Tell me more about the dreams..."

I was back in Doctor Faulkner's office for our second visit. The end of our first one had resulted in me shutting down completely regarding Sam. When he asked about her I became paralyzed. I told him that I didn't wish to talk about her. Never in a million years would I have thought that the woman who gave me some of my best memories would become one. She never left my mind, not for a second. I wondered what she was doing and how she was doing. I wondered if she missed me at all, if she even remembered who I was. She once told Ana that she couldn't stand it whenever we were apart. "Does she still feel the same way now?" I thought. Before the island she used to always tell me that she never wanted to be without me. She wanted to see the world, she wanted to experience everything that life had to offer, but she refused to without me.

Everything that Sam did, whether it was filming a documentary or working on her music, none of it mattered without me. I was her muse, and she was mine. Whenever I found something just waiting to be discovered, I'd turn around from my desk to see her sitting on the couch, either messing around with her camera, or penning lyrics for one of the many songs that she had written. Written for and about me. And I would share it with her.

One day in particular, she was singing to herself. The sunlight coming in from the window framed her face so perfectly. Her dark brown eyes had this golden halo from the light that seemed to shine brighter when she looked at me. I think that was the moment I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. With her singing to me, caressing me as she brought me my tea. How I would give anything to get that back, even just for a minute.

Everything that I did in Japan was to protect her. I was always so terrified, thinking that it was always going to be my last time seeing her. My last time telling her that I loved her. To this day, everything that I do is for her. I don't know how to go on with my life. I don't know what to do with myself without her. She was a vital, amputated limb, and I felt like I was running my hands over the stump, longing for what used to be there. I think that's how you know you love someone, when you can't experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too. Somehow I'm relieved to know that she's not here to see this.

"Nightmares." I corrected him. "Or night terrors?" I asked myself. Sleep hadn't been something I was getting much of since Yamatai. Usually when I did it would end in me waking up only an hour later, clutching the air, and screaming bloody murder. Sam would hold me in her arms, attempting to keep my demons at bay. When it came down to it, I rarely remembered them. One minute I'd be lying in bed, pulling Sam close to me. The next, I'd be writhing in fear, as if I was fighting for my life.

The only ones I ever remembered were simple memories. Steph's charred corpse, the Russians killing Victor and Liam as they tried to fight for my escape. That sickening smell of blood as I shot that man point blank during the struggle, how I sobbed and gagged when I fell to my knees, realizing what I had done. I had taken a life.

"And I don't remember them, just the...feelings that remain." Regret, anger, disgust, terror. I nervously tapped my foot waiting for the doctor to speak. I could feel the hairs rising on my arms as I shuddered at the memories.

"In dreams, the feelings are often more important than the specifics. Tell me about those feelings." Doctor Faulkner instructed. The feelings. I couldn't even begin to describe them. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My mind travelling back to Yamatai, Steph, Victor, Liam, Grim, Roth, and Alex. "I'm on the island, and my friends are dying." I paused. I kept going back there in my mind, and there wasn't a damn thing that I could do to try to stop the flashbacks. "There's nothing I can do and it's all my fault." And it was. The friends and loved ones that I had lost there weren't worth getting there.

"You're going to have to tell me everything that happened there, I've read your published article, but I want to hear it from yo-"

"You won't believe me." I cut him off. I knew he wouldn't believe me. No one else did.

"I'm not here to judge you. Or to try to change your thoughts on what's real and what's not." He straightened up, clearing his throat. "This is a safe place, Lara."

"I washed up on shore, I could hear a commotion coming from a small cliff ahead of me, light shining. I saw that it was Jonah, Reyes, Alex and Dr. Whitman. Alex was trying to resuscitate one of the crew members, Jonah tending to another's wounds. Reyes took charge, arguing with Whitman. I tried calling out to them but the crash of the thunder was so loud they couldn't hear me. I got up, and tried to make my way to them when something out of the corner of my eye flew towards my face and then it all went black." My mouth felt dry, every inch of my body felt as if I was being electrocuted. "I woke up, hanging upside down in some sort of cavern. I called for Jonah and Reyes again when I noticed some sort of small shrine with lit candles a ways away from me. A large cocoon containing god knows stood between It and I. I swung forward, thinking that maybe if I caught fire, I could be free. Soon the mass caught on fire, spreading to this post facing outwards from the wall. I swung towards it, telling myself 'this is gonna hurt, but you're dead if you stay here a second longer.'"

"And you managed to escape." Dr. Faulkner spoke, carefully watching me. I winced, gently grazing the large scar on my left lumbar region over my jumper. My ears started to ring.

"Yes. As I was falling..." I stood up, hesitantly lifting the hem of my top to reveal the grotesque, hypertrophic scar on my abdomen from the rebar that impaled me as I fell to freedom. "I got this." I paused, turning my back to him as he caught a glimpse of the exit wound. "I was impaled by a piece of rebar sticking up from the ground." I lowered my shirt, slowly sitting back down. Dr. Faulkner's eyes narrowed, transfixed by the sight. "I panicked, and removed it improperly." I motioned with my hands the imaginary piece, pulling it outward. "Roth taught me that you should never pull out an arrow, or any sharp object that pierced through you. It's more damaging to pull it out, rather than push it through. It led to a serious infection later on, even after I cauterized it." I took a deep breath, trying hard to suppress the phantom pain as I relived the event.

"Take your time." he directed. "With his lifestyle and from what you just told me, did he teach you how to act in times of crisis?"

"He taught me everything that I know. He wanted me to be educated, prepared. I honestly believe that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have taken the measures that I did. If he hadn't taken the time to teach me what he did, we would have all been dead." I bit my lip. "It wasn't long until I discovered Steph...I was in shock from my wound, I collapsed to the ground and choked. It was utterly terrifying to see her die that way. It was staged, she was strung up to look like Jesus Christ crucified on the cross. I knew we weren't alone on the island. There were these men who lived there, like this. Killing people…" I buried my head in my hands for moment. "They must have used her for some sort of ritual. I later found out that those savages worshipped Himiko, The Sun Queen of Yamatai. You see, no one had ever found Yamatai. I thought to myself 'All of these undiscovered parts of history just waiting to be found. Imagine if you had a part in that.' All of the books that were written stated that Yamatai couldn't have been that far east or within the Dragon's Triangle, also known as the Devil's Sea. I figured 'hey, there's no point in following other people's footsteps, and coming up empty handed.' I never thought that I'd be right...I wish that I wasn't. Liam, and Victor, two crewmates from the Endurance, as well as Doctor Whitman and I were captured by Russian survivors. As they gave me a head start to escape, they were both shot and killed. Whitman got away with ease...I"

I was back on the island, the smell of blood and smoke filled the smoldering air while I hid in the crevasse of a small shack in my attempt to escape from the Russians. Their leader and my captor, a man named Vladimir found me. He pressed me up against the wall, muttering suggestive comments in my ear, feeling me up. I made an attempt to get away, only for him to slam me against the wall harder, smelling my hair. I knew that If I didn't fight back that I would have ultimately been seized against my will. With him leering at me the way he did, it had been obvious he hadn't seen a woman in a long time, considering they killed everyone they came in contact with in attempts to leave the island. I sunk my teeth into his neck, as he stumbled backward I charged him, knocking us both down to the ground, his gun flying out of his hand. I broke free from my restraints, fumbling toward the gun pointing it at him as he lunged on top of me. My hands tightened on the pistols grip as he tried to wrestle it from me. I can't give up, I can't die like this. As soon as the gun was in front of his face, I pulled the trigger. Blood and bits of brain splattered over me as he collapsed on top of me, I quickly pushed him off still pointing the gun at him, gurgling until his eyes went dark. What had I done? I killed someone, not because I wanted to, because my very life depended on it. I took many lives on that island, because my life depended on it.

Her life depended on it.

"Lara?" Dr. Faulkner's voice brought me back to reality. I jerked back, unaware of my surroundings. My muscles tensed, my heart thrashed around in my chest. The room started getting smaller. It was as if all of the oxygen had been cut off from me completely as I tried to breathe. A landslide of dread came crumbling down on me, bringing me down with it. I rose from my seat, pacing.

"I'm sorry, I-I can't talk about this anymore." I whimpered, placing my hands over my head allowing my lungs to fully expand, taking deep breaths.

"Where is your mind right now?" He asked, concern written all over his face."On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest level of anxiety or distress, tell me how that level is right now."

"Ten." I paced some more, continuing to regulate my breathing. "I'm back on the island, It's dark, and I'm alone. These...men killed two of my crewmates, and their leader has be pressed up against a wall, making advances towards me."

"What emotions are present?"

"Terror, like he's going to kill me, have his way with me or both...I'm just...terrified."

"Okay. Now, which one of these phrases really hits you emotionally? 'I'm alone.', 'I'm going to die', 'I'm helpless.'"

"I'm helpless..My hands were tied behind my back." I answered him, reliving my first kill. He muttered to himself as he took notes.

"And where do you feel that In your body?" He questioned. I took a deep breath, pointing to my chest. "Right here."

"Alright, keep that thought in your mind. I'm going to need you to stay in that place for a little while longer." He reached out to me, one of his fingers pointed in the air. "I want you to follow the movement of my finger with just your eyes. Can you do that?" I nodded as my eyes followed his finger back and forth, as If I was being hypnotized. "I need you to recall that experience and those emotions as you follow." As strange as it seemed, the slight side to side movements changed my thought process for the moment as a calming wave washed over me. I was brought back to reality, I wasn't in Japan, I was in England, at Doctor Faulkner's office.

"Very good." He spoke softly, my eyes still following his movements before he slowed them down, ultimately stopping. "Now, on a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about the trauma now?" The fear, and the pain was still there, but lessened. I did what I had to do to survive. If he hadn't done it to me, he would have to the next helpless girl he came across. He could have done it to Sam. I took his life, because he would have taken mine. I believe that I did the only logical thing given the circumstances.

"About a six..It's not as intense." How could that be possible? "How did that happen?" I asked.

He smiled.

"This is a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR for short. It uses a natural function of the body, Rapid Eye Movement or REM as its basis. While we sleep, REM sleep helps us to cope with upsetting incidents. When someone experiences a traumatic event such as war, or abuse, that processing mechanism gets disrupted. That leads to the nightmares that you experience when you try to sleep at night. We use it in therapy to open up that blocked process, and accelerate it. Firstly, a visual image which is usually that of the most disturbing part of the trauma. Secondly, the negative thought that they have about themselves in relation to the trauma. Thirdly, the location of the disturbance in their body. These sets may include eye movements, taps, or tones. The type and length of these sets is different for each patient. At that point, the client is instructed to just notice whatever happens afterward. This isn't a magic cure, It's going to take many more sessions for you to feel some relief. It's normal to get headaches, we don't move our eyes that rapidly throughout the day. We can continue this treatment if you think it will be beneficial."

"I'll do anything to feel normal again at this point." I breathed.

"Everyone can get better." He assured me. "Lara, from what you've published, your friends survived the island because of you."

My fleeting moment of relief turned to anguish.

"Only a few of them." I mumbled. He sat back down in his chair, looking me in the eye.

"None of them would have survived if you hadn't been there. It's not your fault."

"None of them would have been there, if it wasn't for me. Of course it's my fault." I plopped back down in the chair across from him, my brief panic attack draining all of the energy I had left in my body for the day. Doctor Faulkner continued to jot notes down soon looking up at me.

"We have a lot of work to do."