Richard spent most of the next five days out in the woods with Zedd, but what they were doing, she didn't know. He would return after the sun had set and she had eaten dinner, sometimes making her believe he intended it that way. They shared their room, but not their bed. He slept on the floor, afraid of hurting her again, though half way through the night, she would crawl into his arms. The first night he stared up at the ceiling, fighting both the urge to roll over her and the urge to run away. From the way she held herself to him, he thought she could read his mind.
They rarely spoke, but when they did, it wasn't about anything important, nothing about the problem that seemed to rip through them at every moment. It was difficult for him, his feelings and thoughts changing constantly. When he was off with his grandfather, he thought only of Kahlan, but when he was with her, Annabelle took over his mind. It was becoming too overwhelming, he quickly began to believe he was going mad. He couldn't look her in the eyes and the loss sight of the deep ocean he loved so much only further pushed him toward madness. He couldn't imagine how hard it was on her.
He found her crying one evening, sitting alone in the stone garden. She went there often, the different sculptures of Confessors and children became a small comfort at times. She never knew he was there, watching silently from the trees, desperately wishing he could be there for her. As Mother Confessor, she was already under so much pressure; he didn't want to add to it. When he was with her, he felt he was doing more damage and he hated himself for it. Still, every night he would return to her and she would crawl into his arms as though nothing had ever happened.
He never told her that he saw her crying, she wouldn't want him to. She was strong; she wouldn't want him to see her any other way. It was an act she put on when they were together, he could see the pain in her eyes, almost masking her other emotions completely, but he said nothing. If it was something she wanted to talk to him about, she would and until then, he would continue to pretend. It was all he could do. He wasn't the man he used to be; he would need be.
Pushing open the door to their bedroom, he poked his head inside to make sure she was already in bed. She was sitting against the headboard, her hands laying on her stomach as she whispered. He almost closed the door, but her eyes found his too quickly.
"It's alright," she said, dropping her hands to her side. "You don't have to keep waiting for me to fall asleep."
"Kahlan-"
"Why do you do it? You know I won't stay here, not when you're down there."
He entered and closed the door quietly, taking his time before looking back to her. "I don't want to hurt you."
"It's far too late for that," she whispered. He stared at her in silence, not at all stunned by the words as he felt he should be. "It's impossible for us not to hurt each other anymore."
"I'm sorry." It was all he could say, the only thing that seemed to be right.
"Me too." Kahlan closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wood. "I didn't think it would be this hard." She opened her eyes and looked back to him, almost beckoning him to come to her. "You're so close, but I feel like you're still gone. I look at you and I want it to be like it was before. I want to kiss you and not be terrified that you're thinking of her, wishing it was she instead." She was crying, not as she had done before when in his presence, this was closer to the heartbreak he had seen in the stone garden. This was her breaking point.
Ignoring all of his minds cries to turn around and leave, he walked to the bed and sat down upon the edge, bending his knee over the blankets to make it easier to look at her. "It is not my wish to have her, Kahlan."
"No," she agreed quietly. "It's your desire."
"Not by choice," he countered instantly.
Nodding, she wiped her cheeks, needing the distraction for her hands to keep her from reaching out to him and doing everything she could think of to change his desires. His body would react to hers, it always did. All she needed to do was please him in a way that took all thoughts from his mind. "And that should make me feel better, but it doesn't." She turned her head away from him, feeling ashamed for her actions and thoughts. "I wanted to kill her." His head tilted in confusion at her admission, shocking him. "When you were confessed, all I could think about was killing her. I wished that I had done it before and I hated to think it. I wished her dead because she took you away from me."
"Kahlan," He reached for her hand, but she pulled away, moving off of the bed.
"If I had thought of a way to kill her without hurting you, I wouldn't have hesitated." She turned back to him, wiping her cheeks again and again. "But it wouldn't have made a difference. Nothing would bring you back." She was breathing heavily, trying to stop crying as she looked into his eyes. Her mind was screaming for her to rush into his arms and make him love her again, but she was afraid of what could go wrong.
She felt sick, her stomach in knots so tight, she found it difficult to remain upright. Licking her lips, she closed her eyes and focused her attention on her breathing. He moved in silence, crawling over the bed until he was able to pull her into his arms. It was the first time he was sure that it was the right thing to do. He hadn't initiated contact since the night she admitted that she was afraid, but it felt comfortable.
She sobbed in silence, her tears soaking his shirt until she pulled back and stumbled back and dropped to her knees in front of a small trash can. The contents of her stomach flowed inside as her hair fell forward. Richard was beside her in a matter of moments, pulling back the long strands. She was shaking, but not from cold, her body warm and now covered in sweat. Reaching to one of the two bed tables, he grabbed a small towel and brought it to her mouth as she straightened her back.
"Here." He wiped gently, watching her carefully in case she was still feeling sick. "Are you all right?"
"Fine," she lied without pause.
His head tilted in disappointment. "You're not fine. Kahlan, you're shaking."
Taking the cloth from him, she held it to her lips and shook her head. "I just need some rest."
"Kahlan-"
"I'm fine, Richard." She staggered to her feet and made her way back to the bed. Crawling beneath the blankets, she sighed softly and closed her eyes, needing to make sure that she didn't look into his eyes again.
Richard stood and lifted the trash can, carrying it to the door. "I may not be the way I was before, but I still care about you, Kahlan." She said nothing, listening as he opened the door.
******
When he returned, she wasn't in the bed any longer, bringing a wild panic to fill his body. Rushing inside, he looked around, relieved when he found her laying on the floor on the other side of the bed.
"No!" she shouted as he lifted the blanket and began to lie down beside her.
He froze instantly, her hold on the blanket tight, keeping him from moving it away from her. That was when he saw it.
Grabbing her hand, he yanked it from the soft, dark blue blanket and touched his fingers to the red splotch that nearly covered her hand. "What happened?"
"Nothing. Richard, you have to leave."
"What? No, Kahlan, why would I-"
Shoving her hand against his chest, she pushed roughly. "Get out!"
He struggled against her, trying to keep her from pushing him away. "I'm not going to leave you." Tears were falling down her cheeks, her chest heaving with every breath, telling him not to leave her; that something was very wrong. "Kahlan, what-?"
"Please!" she begged through heavy tears as she curled her body forward. "I don't want you here."
"Why?"
Fighting back a scream, she shook her head. If he didn't leave soon, she wouldn't be able to keep it from him any longer. "Because I don't want to hurt you."
"What?"
Looking at him, she blinked out more tears. "Promise me you won't do anything."
"Kahlan, I don't understand."
"Promise," she repeated, her voice now relieving all her pain.
Nodding, he grabbed her hand. "I promise."
She stared at him for a moment, reading him the best she could in order to see the truth. Taking her hand from his hold, she pushed the blanket from her body and closed her eyes to keep from seeing his reaction. The silence of the moment was shattered by his gasp and sudden groan of pain. She was covered in blood from the waist down, informing him instantly of the problem. Rolling her onto her back, he ripped her nightgown and sucked in a rugged breath.
"No, no, no, nonononono! Kahlan, we need to get Zedd! A healer, anyone!"
"No! You promised!"
"I cannot sit by and let you allow this to happen!" He stood up and lifted her into his arms, ignoring her cries of pain and the force of her fists against his chest. "This is our child!"
******
"She's been under a lot of stress," Zedd whispered as Kahlan moaned softly in her sleep. She was laying on the small bed in one of the many spare bedrooms, covered in blankets while the floor in her own room was being cleaned. It had taken nearly two hours of herbal teas to calm her into sleep so that he could work freely. "Her body can only handle so much. A Confessor's pregnancy is unlike all others; it kills some of them. She has probably felt the effects for some time."
Richard was sitting on a stool at the side of the bed, staring down at her. "I don't understand why she didn't tell me." He met his grandfather's eyes and sighed. "She knows I care about her, Zedd. I may not be the same as I was before, but I still care about her."
"I know and we both know Kahlan. She wouldn't have wanted to burden you any further."
"I've been selfish. I knew she was stressed and yet, I did nothing. I didn't try to comfort her."
"You didn't know how."
"I didn't try, Zedd."
"You'll have plenty of time to make it up to her."
"And our daughter? Zedd, I'm the reason this happened. How can you expect me to stay here and continue to make her worse?"
"You don't know what it will do to her if you leave. The damage began to occur months ago, before you returned. Who knows how much worse it could have been. If you hadn't been there, the child may have been lost." The wizard sat down on the edge of the bed and laid his hand over hers. "You need each other and if you leave her now, she will lose this child, your child. Richard, when was the last time you thought about Annabelle?"
"I don't know," he answered softly. "Before I brought Kahlan to you." Lifting his eyes from the Confessor's he blinked through his own confused thoughts. "Why haven't I thought of her?"
"Because you were more concerned for Kahlan." Standing the older man took a few steps away from the couple. "The magic of Confession takes the heart and part of the mind. You've only been fighting your mind. When you thought you were going to lose the two of them, you pushed passed it enough to focus on them."
Standing, he turned his grandfather around to face him. "What does this mean?"
"I don't know."
"Did this fix me?"
"I don't know, it may have."
Smiling, the Seeker turned back to the woman lying in the bed. "When will she wake up?"
Shaking his head, Zedd walked to the door. "Tomorrow morning at the earliest. If she wakes up before then, give her more of the elixir. She needs more rest."
"Thank you, Zedd," he said softly as he returned to his seat by the bed.
His grandfather left without another word, seeing at the Seeker needed to be alone with the Mother Confessor and from the way he was looking at her, the wizard wanted to believe that he was no longer struggling with his feelings. When the door clicked closed, Richard leaned forward, folding his arms in the edge of the bed, resting his chin on top of them. His eyes remained on her, slowly moving over her face and realizing that it was the first time in weeks that he had seen her in such a state of relaxation. She looked peaceful and for a brief moment, he forgot what had lead them to this moment. A part of him was furious at her for not telling him sooner, for being willing to risk the life of their child.
Shifting his body, he laid his hand on the blanket over her left thigh and closed his eyes. The image of her laying on their bedroom floor, covered in blood, filled his mind, bringing him to whisper a prayer to the spirits and thank them for allowing him another chance with her and their child. He promised that he would harm them no more and be the man they both needed him to be. For the first time in days, he truly believed his own words. They were his, no longer belonging to another in any way. He couldn't believe the relief it brought him.
"I'm sorry, Kahlan." He nearly laughed at his words, a set he had said more times to her in the past few weeks than anyone else in his whole life. They were useless syllables and it bothered him that he could find no others. "I know that this means nothing now, but I'm me again and I will do everything possible to fix what I've done." He struggled to remain on the stool, his body fighting to lay beside her. "I want so badly to hold you again. Remember that night in the forest? The one when we were determined to create our daughter." Richard smiled, remembering the night more clearly than ever before. "We couldn't let go of each other and I never wanted to stop kissing you. I remember thinking that there was nothing else I wanted to do. The way you always looked at me, I'm not sure I could ever explain the way it felt. Kahlan I love you so much and I don't know what I would do without you."
"Richard?" she whispered, her eyes still closed.
"I'm right here."
Turning her head toward his voice, she licked her lips slowly. "Lay with me?"
He moved quickly, crawling onto the bed and gently moving her into his arms. She was still warm, but no longer as though she was on fire. "Zedd said that you're going to be fine. Both of you."
"I remember," she said softly, answering his previous question and bringing a smile to his lips.
"I love you, Kahlan."
"You too." Her body relaxed in his arms as she fell asleep. For the first time in days, she wasn't afraid.