Chapter 2: Young and Old
Upon arriving at the LEP Police Academy Captain Holly Short was faced with yet more bad news. She was greeted by the sole remaining teacher, a wizened old female pixie by the name of Professor Pool Logit, an absentminded Human Studies teacher that had been around when Holly was a student at the academy.
Holly saluted curtly "Professor Logit I'm here on LEP business; we require temporary officers at Police Plaza to help fill the vacancies created by this epidemic. I would like to enlist some of your senior students if I may."
The frail looking pixie smiled up at Holly "oh of course dearie, the school will help anyway it can. But I'm afraid that the nasty cold that seems to be going around has taken a bit of chunk out of our student body" she patted Holly's forearm cheerfully, as high as she could easily reach "I'll get you a list of our remaining seniors".
A minute later Holly was looking down at a data-pad containing a pitifully short list of potential students, barely more than a dozen names. After reading each seniors profile Holly at last found three students that might at least prove acceptable. Before leaving the academy she met briefly with each to confirm her choices, none of whom filled her with confidence. The first was a grinning sprite, who had scored exceptionally highly in all flying aptitude tests, by the name of Fallx Verbil. The sprite turned out to be Chix's younger brother and was if possible an even less subtle pervert than Verbil senior, spending the entire interview starring avidly at Holly's chest.
The second potential officer was an abnormally tall and broad shouldered elf; standing almost 30 cm taller than Holly, with the unfortunate name of Grene Grass. He was an extremely quiet and gentle fairy, who had none the less scored highly in all combat training. He was however a simple soul and had not performed well in initiative tests. The final recruit was an angelic looking pixie named Penelope Willow, with shoulder length dark brown hair, green eyes and a regrettable passing resembles Opal Koboi. She appeared to be in other respects an exceptional student, with high scores in all classes. However Holly couldn't help balling her hands into fists every time she looked into the face that reminded her of her greatest nemesis.
Having ordered her new found recruits to head to Police Plaza and await further orders, Captain Short proceeded, with misgivings, to Haven's largest retirement home. The idea of relying on rookie recruits was not an attractive one, but the thought of getting ancient officers out of retirement, fairies that had probably been wearing the old buckled shoes and knickerbockers during their days on the force, was in Holly's opinion even worse. The receptionist that stood behind the counter in the lobby of The Oak Tree and Riverbend Home for Old Fairies retirement home was, Holly decided, almost certainly not the usual fairy, but a replacement. The haggard looking elf looked up at her, took in the Captain's uniform and asked hesitantly "yes officer?"
Holly sighed and then asked "look have you got any ex-LEP officers as..." she hesitated; patients, guests, inmates, what was the proper term for them? "Staying here?" she finished at last.
Understanding dawned on the receptionist's face "Oh, you're here to see Commander Griffin, his rooms just down the hall, room 233". She leaned towards Holly and smiled sympathetically "it's a good thing you came; I don't think he'll be with us for much longer".
Holly frowned "why where's he going?" before realization struck her "Oh you mean..."
The receptionist looked confused "you're not family?"
"No no" exclaimed Holly hurriedly, before briefly explaining the situation at Police Plaza, making sure to play down the seriousness of the situation naturally. She was talking to a civilian after all. "So you see" Holly finished "I need retired officers who might be willing to temporarily return to the force, just to keep things ticking over".
The young elf considered "well apart from Commander Griffin I think the only other LEP officer we have with us is Captain Redwood. He's a lovely old sweetie; he's always so polite and never complains".
Something made Holly ask "um never complains about what exactly?"
"Well he lost a leg to a troll of course" stated the receptionist as if this were common knowledge "but never a grumble, he's always..."
"Right right" said Holly hurriedly interrupting the girl "look I think I'll just be going, thank you for your help miss".
Just as Holly was turning to go the receptionist caught the Captain's arm "wait a second officer, we may not have any ex-LEPs that you're interested in, but I do think I can help you. Follow me". Mystified Holly followed the young elf, who led her into a large common room and towards a table, at which were seated five very elderly fairies, two elves, a sprite, a gnome and a goblin. "Hello my dear old darlings" chirruped the receptionist in a sickeningly cheerful voice "look what I've brought you, this lovely LEP captain, who is going to talk to you, won't that be nice?" Each of the elderly gentlemen wore identical expressions of deepest loathing; she turned happily to Holly "I'll leave you to get to know each other than shall I?" and skipped back to her desk.
Holly found herself subjected to the burning glares of five ancient fairies. Feeling uncomfortable, not to mentioned confused, Holly at last said "um hello".
The taller of the two elves said at last "good day miss and what can we do for you?"
Holly's instincts kicked in immediately and without thinking said "captain, not miss, if you don't mind sir".
The sprite chuckled "captain eh?"
Assuming that the sprite was laughing at the combination of her rank and her gender Holly glowered at him "yes, captain, is that so funny?"
"Well" said the sprite grinning "what kind of a suit is that? You call that a uniform do you?"
Holly looked down at her LEP jumpsuit and then back up at the old fairies starring at her, all the save the goblin, who seemed to have lost interest. "Yes I do, this is the standard Lower Elements Police jumpsuit for the 21st century. That's the one we're in now by the way" she added scathingly.
The taller elf and Holly locked eyes for a full five seconds, each glaring defiance. Suddenly he grinned and started to laugh "you know, captain, I like you, you have spirit. And incidentally, it's not sir, it's Colonel".
Holly starred, nonplussed "you mean commander?"
"I know my own rank captain; I am Colonel Wren, 12th Elven Infantry, of his glorious majesty King Frond's Lower Elements Army" Wren inclined his head politely "at your service madam".
Holly looked from ancient face to ancient face, they were not police officers, these were soldiers! Her mind raced back to her history class room at school. She remembered learning how, seven hundred years ago; Haven had had a rebellion against the monarchy, deposed King Frond VIII and had established a democracy in the form of the council. It was a typical fairy affair, with very little violence or bloodshed. The only real resistance to the new government had come from the army, in particular Frond's Royal Guard. This elite regiment had barricaded themselves in the palace and were only convinced to surrender when Frond himself begged them to stop fighting.
After the regime change the council had decided that the army was both unnecessary and potentially dangerous. The Lower Elements Army and the Royal Flying Fairies were at first amalgamated, then reorganized and finally disbanded completely. In their places was established the Lower Elements Police; which was considered to be both more manageable and more suitable for the purpose of patrolling Haven. This had all happened so long ago, out of living memory for many fairies, (although there were plenty of dwarves, centaurs and goblins, all of which often lived well into their thousands, who remembered it as if it were yesterday) that Holly, a stripling of eighty, found it hard to believe that these five old fairies predated her police force.
"I'm sorry, colonel, I didn't know. I'm Captain..."
"Holly Short" finished Colonel Wren smiling "I have seen you on television. By all accounts we all owe you are lives".
Holly blushed, having never really got used to her status as a national hero "I was just doing my job, and I had plenty of help".
"And doing it very well I might add" chuckled Wren "and as for the help, I am fully aware of the contributions made by such sterling individuals as the humans Artemis Fowl and his bodyguard Butler. When you next see them you must give them our regards".
"Thank you, I will"
"And now" said Wren sitting up straighter in his chair "I believe that introductions are in order". Turning to the second elf seated at the table he said "Major Moor; my second in command and right hand". The major in question had an enormous white moustache, something very unusual among the People, and a huge scar on his left cheek.
"Captain Short, a pleasure" he said in a booming voice.
"Nice to meet you" answered Holly, managing to smile and trying not to look at the officers disfiguring wound.
Turning to the sprite who had chuckled at Holly's uniform Wren said "Captain Choral; a gentleman of the Royal Flying Fairies".
The indicated sprite jumped up and shook Holly's hand warmly, giving her a friendly grin "I say, hope you don't hold a grudge about the crack at your uniform Captain Short? It was dashed rude of me, awfully sorry and all that!"
Holly immediately realized that she didn't mind at all, the old sprites boyish grin and cheerful laugh were infectious and she couldn't help liking him. "Totally fine, sorry about the that's the century we're in now thing".
"And" said Wren pointing a thin finger towards the barrel chested gnome, who looked like he could have taken on a troll in an arm wrestling contest, and the elderly goblin who didn't seem to be paying much attention to the proceedings "might I introduce Sergeants Flank and Spouter".
"Good to meet you Captain" said Flank in voice that was born for the parade ground, whilst Spouter said nothing.
"Thanks, you to" said Holly, before turning to look at the goblin who seemed to be ignoring her. "Um hi" she said uncertainly.
Wren gave Holly an apologetic smile "I'm afraid that the good Sergeant Spouter's hearing is not what it once was, I'm afraid you'll have to shout".
Feeling embarrassed Holly said loudly and clearly "I'm Captain Short".
Spouter at last seemed to hear Holly, and turned in his seat, giving her a confused and annoyed look "what was that? Capital Fort? Never heard of it me' life".
Holly, now feeling very foolish, screamed "Captain Holy Short!"
"Captain Molly Port? I wish you'd speak up missy!" Licking his eyeballs irritably Spuouter turned to his companions "back in my day fairies actually talked to one another; now it's all this muttering and mumbling. That's what comes of policemen and democracy; we wouldn't have stood for it for a second when I was a young goblin!"
"Let me have a try captain" said Sergeant Flank. Leaning across to the old reptile he bellowed at the top of his lungs "SHE IS CAPTAIN HOLLY SHORT, OF THE LEP, GOT IT?"
Placing a hand to his ear Spouter glared indignantly at his colleague "ow, I'm not deaf you know. Alright then, Captain Short, nice meeting you and all, now what do you want?" Suddenly the goblins face seemed to light up "ere', this Capital Fort, is it on the surface?" turning to the rest of the group he asked eagerly "are we going back up to the surface?"
Holly noticed the other four fairies exchange hurried glances "there is no Capital Fort Sergeant" said Wren quickly (and loudly) "and we are of course not going up to the surface". Turning to Holly he added "not unless that is what you have come to ask of us captain".
Holly, her police officers instincts aroused said "no not the surface; I came here to try to find ex-LEP officers to help plug the gaps at Police Plaza. Thanks to this illness going around there's now only a couple of us in Recon at the moment".
"Gad!" exclaimed Major Moor "that settles it then, Wren, old chap, we absolutely must go!"
The old soldiers all nodded in unison, whilst Spouter sank forlornly into his chair "not the surface eh? Oh well I suppose we are all too old for all that now anyway."
Holly's head snapped around to face the ancient goblin "all what exactly sergeant?" she asked quickly. Spouter appeared to have heard her, but seemed unwillingly answer. Turning to Colonel Wren she asked again "what are you all too old for that you used to do on the surface?"
There was a certain amount of uncomfortable fidgeting, until Wren seemed to reach a decision. "Very well captain, I suppose it doesn't make any difference now anyway. I mean to say" he added looking around at his comrades "we might as well be in prison as here, it doesn't make all that much difference eh?"
Holly bristled "what did you do up there?"
The old colonel considered for a moment and then began "after we were kicked out of the LEA, after the revolution, well we had to look somewhere for work. So I, and twenty or so others, this little band here is all that's left, travelled to Atlantis. They still had a proper army there in those days and we served there for, oh, must have been about four centuries. But then they disbanded there armed forces just as you had in Haven, and so we had to look elsewhere. We needed to go somewhere were our particular skills would always be in demand". He smiled at Holly.
"You went to the surface" said Holly, half amazed, half indigent "and you became...mercenaries?"
Colonel Wren chuckled "you LEP fellows may be no soldier, but you're damned good detectives. Yes Captain Short, we became mercenaries. Between the seventeen hundreds and nineteen hundreds, the world was our oyster".
"But you could have been caught! Not to mention, I mean, it was just wrong!"
It was Captain Choral's turn to laugh "there was no risk of the Lepers catching us, not in those days. Why until just before you were born the LEP still went around dressed like festive garden gnomes. No offense old chap" he added hastily to Sergeant Flank.
The gnome sergeant grinned "none taken sir".
"And as for the moral considerations Captain Short" pointed out Wren "we were being well paid to help humans kill each other, they would have done it without our help anyway".
"I just don't know what to say, did you at least mesmerize your employers after the transaction was completed?" asked Holly.
"Well we stayed shielded some of the time, those of us who could. But as for the mesmer, it was hardly ever needed. I mean what self respecting human general, if he wants to stay out of an asylum, goes around saying he got help from the fairies?" Colonel Wren watched Holly with an amused expression "look here captain, whether or not you plan on arresting us later, can we at least offer you our support in the current crisis?"
"This isn't over" warned Holly reluctantly.
"Capital" exclaimed the colonel "if you will give us but one minute we will just get our things".
After rather more than a minute the five reappeared, and Holly's jaw dropped "what the..." The retired soldiers wore double-breasted uniform jackets, with gold buttons and epaulets, narrow trousers with a thin red stripe running down the seams, black leather boots and kepis; all in dark green, save for Captain Choral, whose uniform was navy blue. None of them were carrying firearms of course, no such thing as a licenses gun in the lower elements, however one of the old soldiers was never the less armed. "What in Frond's name is that and where under the earth did you get it?" shouted Holly, pointing to a huge sword slung at Wren's hip.
Glancing down Wren smiled "oh this? This captain is a Pattern 1796 Light Cavalry Sabre, the finest sword ever designed, in my own humble opinion. This one was presented to me by none other than his Grace the Duke of Wellington himself, after the Battle of Salamanca, 1812. It's saved my life more times than I care to mention". Patting the swords hilt affectionately he added "of course I'm too small for it really, so I have to wield it with both hands, but one can get used to anything".
'I'm too small for it' thought Holly; most fairies would have said it's too big for me. This was clearly an elf who had spent a lot of time around humans. She also realized suddenly that neither Wren, nor any of his companions, had used the term Mud Men, again more evidence that they had spent a good deal of time in human company.
Well, thought Holly, they're obviously as mad as sunburnt dwarves the lot of them, so they'll probably fit right in at Police Plaza. What was that human saying? Oh yes, you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps. The Mud Men might have been thinking about the LEP when they came up with that!
Author's Note: That chapter took a lot longer to write than I thought it would, and a lot more words! Sergeant Spouter (the deaf goblin) is partly based on the character of Trumpkin the dwarf, as he appears in C.S Lewis's book the Silver Chair.
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