This story is for mature audiences only. If you are under 17, please do not read this story. There is drug and alcohol abuse. Please do not try any of this at home.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. This story is mine.

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Chapter 3: Remembering

Edward POV

Jasper had finally left me alone knowing that what I needed at the moment was space. That's the way it had been since I first came here. I would attend the meetings, talk when I had to, but when it was over, I had to be by myself. Thinking about things that had happened was overwhelming to say the least and sharing those out loud was therapy. But remembering it all was like reliving it over and over again and the pain of some things never go away.

~*~

At fourteen, life revolves around just a few things. Home, family and school are usually the top three of any list. These were constants in life that meant more to some than others. To me, they meant nothing.

Home and family were synonymous with anger and unhappiness. There was nothing that held us together like other families had. My father had already left and when he did, basically so did my mother. She buried herself in her job to ease her pain leaving my sister and me to deal with our feelings the best way we could. We didn't do very well.

School was something I had to do to keep my mother off my back. There was nothing about school I liked. The teachers all looked at me with pity in their eyes because of my situation. All the kids stayed as far away from me as they could, treating me like some sort of pariah, which actually worked out to my favor because I didn't give a shit about them anyway. School work was about as interesting to me as getting teeth pulled. So, all in all, my academic life sucked as bad as my home life.

The only thing that saved me from the monotony of school was Bella and Charlotte. We would sit together during what classes had together and that would soothe me. Charlotte and I would pass notes most of the time while our studious little Bella would take class notes.

Our notes mostly consisted of making fun of other students or the teachers. Sometimes we would talk about what we did the night before. Other times we would talk about how bad our home life sucked. I had begun to learn a lot about Charlotte during our note passing sessions.

Charlotte's parents from the time she was a child tried to involve her in all kinds of extracurricular activities. They wanted her involved in things that she, as Charlotte quotes her parents, 'would be around the right families.' They had her nanny drive her back and forth from dance classes or gymnastics or whatever they thought a young girl from a prestigious family should be doing. Her parents were never involved in getting her there or sitting with her during her practices, but would at least show up at recitals or competitions.

But to Charlotte that was never enough. Her parents didn't have time to be with her because of there jobs so instead pawned her off on a nanny. They wouldn't even be at home at night to read her a book or tuck her in bed. She was dying for their affection and did whatever they asked to get it. Still they never had time for her or really spent much time with her.

When she was in dancing, that is where she first met Bella. Their first dance recital together they were dressed like baby chicks with feathers and yellow tutus. That shit was funny as hell to me, especially the way Charlotte looked now with her punk rock persona.

Charlotte learned the hard way that she was the only one that her parents didn't give a shit. Every time Bella was at practice, so was Renee, Bella's mother. All the other girls who were in dancing, their mother was with them every time as well. None of the rest of them was escorted by a nanny because their parents were too busy.

As she grew older, she stopped doing all the things they wanted her to do and started rebelling anyway she could. At first they sent her to private schools, but she soon figured out what to do to get kicked out of them so her parents would have to deal with her. They didn't deal with her any better than my parents had dealt with me.

She resented them more and more everyday as time went on. No matter what she did, they would reprimand her and send her on her way. Charlotte turned to drugs and alcohol for many of the same reasons I did, to dull the pain or make her forget. When her parents found out about her using, they sent her to a psychiatrist to try and help her with her problems when all she wanted was them. She tried to talk with the doctor to tell him that she just wanted her parents, apparently he turned it around on her that so she walked out. Her parents gave up on her, or so she thought, so she just started using that much more and learned to hide it.

We were so much alike that it was scary. We hated school, hated our family, and had one friend besides each other and that was Bella. The more I talked with Charlotte, the more I started to like her I mean really like her. Like boyfriend girlfriend kind of like. Which was weird because I had never had any interest in girls before, ever at all, because to me all girls were evil, the enemy.

Bella and Charlotte were the first girls that I had ever wanted to be around, and really were the first real friends that I had. Talking with them was easy and I had fun when I was with them. Sure Jeff and I were friends, but he was older and I really didn't feel comfortable talking with him about some shit.

During lunch we huddled together shielding ourselves from the rest of the kids taking comfort from each other. Bella was the recluse, Charlotte was the new kid, and I was the stoner. So we made our own little circle of friends.

"Let's go to Jeff's tonight. I need to get fucked up." Charlotte whispered towards us. All day she had been on edge. Her edginess was rubbing off on me so my need to get fucked up was rivaling hers.

"Sure, it's Friday. 'You ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do, so I'm gonna get you high today.'" Quoting Smokey from the movie Friday Charlotte let out a peal of laughter causing several heads to turn our way.

Bella tucked her head blushing from the attention while Charlotte stuck her tongue out at the audience we had gained. When I saw her tongue dart out from her pink lips, my mind started thinking about what it would be like to have her tongue in my mouth. And other places.

"Is Jeff going to be home tonight?" Charlotte asked me startling me out of my little fantasy.

"Yea. He told me last night for us to come by. He had a surprise for us. Are you coming tonight Bella?" I always included Bella in my plans. She was my friend and even though I felt different from her than I did Charlotte, I still wanted her around.

Bella looked up from her book she was reading. Her eyes met mine and seemed to sparkle for a moment then went blank. She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't have anything else to do. Why not?"

The rest of the day seemed to drag on, but thinking about going to Jeff's at least gave me something to look forward to.

***

"Here Edward." Jeff sucked in his hit holding it in as he held out the bong to me. "It's your hit." We were hanging at Jeff's on his couch.

Jeff had scored some hash off his older brother who had come home from college for the weekend. When he said he had a surprise for us, he wasn't fucking around. This was the first time that I had tried hash and so far I liked it. It was a much more of an intense high than pot.

Taking the bong and lighter, I held the mouthpiece to my lips as I put fire to the bowl. Inhaling deeply, I took the hit and held it.

Trying to hold my hit in, I waved the bong in front of Charlotte. She took the bong from me hit the bowl as hard as I did and held it.

"Damn did you see that shit? She hit that like a pro." Jeff stated exuberantly as he took the bong from Charlotte for his hit.

Everyone who hung out at Jeff's was impressed by how Charlotte could keep up. By that I mean when it came to the drugs and alcohol, she ran with the big dogs. Nothing seemed to slow her down, unless it was intended to.

The more I was around Charlotte, the more I wanted her. We were so much alike it was scary at times. Our mood swings seemed to coincide with each other. When she was up, I was up, when she was down, so was I. Little did I know that the drugs were having a factor in my mood swings.

Even though I was beginning to have feelings for Charlotte, she never acted any different towards me. To her, I was just another drug buddy. She never came onto any of the other guys that hung out, so I held out hope that she would turn to me one day.

Bella was going through Jeff's music picking songs out at random to play. When Basket Case by Green Day drifted out of the speakers we all started to sing along. Bella was excellent at picking out music to suit our moods.

Charlotte and I stood beside each other acting as if we were holding microphones and started singing the words to the song together.

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Am I just stoned?

We were dancing around the room shaking and bobbing our heads to the beat while sang like a pack of dogs. Charlotte and I would do this when we were stoned. The music would cause a reaction in us and we would just go with the flow.

When I looked over at Bella she was sitting there watching Charlotte and I bounce around the room. Sometimes she would get this look on her face. It was like she was longing for something, but I couldn't figure out what.

Bella was not a user of any kind. She never tried any of the drugs that we did. She never took a drink. For fucks sakes she never even smoked a cigarette. All she would do was sit there and watch us get fucked up.

I couldn't understand why she hung out with us. I wanted her there. She was my friend and I wanted her there. But I knew there was no way I could just sit there and watch while everyone around me got high.

Sure she would laugh at us. Sometimes she would cry with us. When Charlotte and I would get on one of those crying drunks, Bella would try her best to comfort us. She would hug us; stroke our hair and our backs in a comforting way.

But when she did, I knew it wasn't Bella that I wanted comfort from when I was upset, it was Charlotte. It wasn't Bella that I wanted to touch me that way, it was Charlotte. But Charlotte never did.

Bella was my connection to Charlotte. I didn't have the nerve to call Charlotte myself. When I wanted Charlotte to be around I would get Bella to call her. Bella and I were friends and I was Charlotte's friend too, it's just I wanted more from Charlotte than I did Bella. And I didn't have the balls to act on any of my feelings towards her.

The song ended but Bella quickly started another one. She was good at keeping the music flowing. Maybe this was her way of calming herself.

Morning Glory by Oasis began to fill the room. Charlotte and I sat down breathing heavily from our jumping around. Jeff passed me the bong and I lit the bowl hitting it hard. Passing it to Charlotte, her fingers brushed mine as she took the bong from me. That little contact gave my buzzing brain a jolt like most of her touches did.

The hormonal fourteen year old in me had me getting hard at the smallest touches. Even now I was hard after she touched me and more so as I was watching her getting stoned.

I reached down to casually adjust myself. When I looked up, Bella was staring at me with what looked like sadness in her eyes. What the fuck was that about? She quickly darted her eyes away continuing to go through Jeff's music collection.

"Hey Bella." Jeff slurred out. "Next time put on Mary Jane's Last Dance. Let Tom Petty rock this place." Most of the time, Jeff was content on Bella's music choice. Very seldom did he make a request, but when he did it was always something good.

"After that, I want something we can dance to again." Charlotte whined. She stood from the couch and stumbled over to Bella and the stereo. She had a drink in her hand, and I watched as the drink sloshed around in her cup.

Charlotte was much like drunken old sot. She spilled things when she was clumsy because she was drunk. Her attitude was always fuck it and kept on. Only Bella would take the time to clean up after her. For that matter, Bella cleaned up after all of us. It was just how she was.

Charlotte giggled as she sat down beside Bella to help her go through the music. Some hip hop streamed out from the speakers causing Charlotte to jump to her feet and start to dance provocatively rubbing her hands up and down her body.

I watched mesmerized as she swayed to the music. It become apparent that I was enjoying her little show as my hard own pressed into my jeans. Charlotte gripped Bella tight dragging her close so that they could dance together. Watching them turned me on that much more and I was shocked at myself as my mind contemplated what it would be like for two women to be together.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, my eyes locked on Bella's for a moment. Sometimes I thought she could read me too well and by the look in her eyes I could tell that she had done just that. Her eyes swirled with disappointment and what looked like unhappiness making me feel like a complete smock for thinking what I had.

Jeff tapped my arm with his hand, pushing the bong towards me letting me know it was my hit. Without pausing I took a hit relishing in the sensation that affected me every time I got high.

"Mitchell told me about some cool thing that some of the kids were doing back at college. He said tomorrow night he wanted to take me out and show me. Sounds like fun. You guys want to go?" Jeff questioned looking at me expectantly.

"Sure. Why not? What is it?" It didn't really matter to me. I was game as long as it was fun and gave me a reprieve from my inner musings.

"He called it car surfing. That's about all I know. He said he would show me tomorrow night. Said it was hard to explain. You just had to do it to see." Jeff took the bong from me walking over to Charlotte to let her have a hit. "What about you Charlotte, do you want to come?"

Charlotte looked at me then to Bella. "I guess. It's not like I have anything better to do." She shrugged and turned to Bella. "What about you Bella, you coming with?"

Bella looked at me strangely for a moment with what looked like a hint of fear in her eyes. "I don't know. I'll let you know tomorrow." The fear never left her eyes as apprehension seemed to cloud her features. What the fuck?

Well I wasn't going to let her worrying bother me. Sounded like fun. What the hell could go wrong?

A/N: Do not try any of what I am writing at home. I'm sure many of you have heard of what I will be writing about in the next chapter. This will be the beginning of the end for Edward's destructive life choices.

There should be just a couple more chapters before Edward talks to Bella, so hang in there. What I'm writing right now is trying to show the downward spiral of the last days before the cough "shit" cough hits the fan.

Remember I don't have a beta, so please forgive my mistakes. Please remember too, this is just fiction people.

Please read and review. Let me know what you think. No flames please. I have feelings too.