Rudimentary creatures. They had been touched by those infinitely their better and rather than accept improvement they had struggled to become less than they had been. No longer capable of space flight. No longer worthy of ascension. This was what they had struggled…
"Rache!" The name was shouted in her ear.
She blinked and focused on Kaidan. "I'm sorry?" She bluffed, pretending she had simply just not heard him and not been thinking of ways to repurpose the humans about her who had been struggling for two weeks to try and build a colony from scavenged ships and more natural resources.
His expression of distaste, of fear, told her she hadn't fooled him. But then, she never had. He'd been one of the few to ever look at her and see what was there instead of what she wanted him to see.
"Your eyes were glowing. Again." He said in brief tones.
The old Rache would have become angry, would have accused him of something to turn the conversation to safer depths. "They do that, Kaidan." She filled her voice with scorn. "You're going to have to deal with it because I don't exactly have a recipe to change me back to my inferior for…" She cut the words off but it was too late.
Distaste was replaced with grief and frustration. "There wasn't a damn thing inferior about who you used to be, Rache." He snapped at her. "She was a brave, confident woman."
What would the old Rache have said? Done? Anger seemed easiest but was it too much…
"Stop it!" The words were hissed, his features rough with anger and fear. "Stop thinking of how you're supposed to react. Stop trying to play me, Rache. I know you better than that."
Weary, she tossed her hands. "Do you? Do you, Kaidan, 'cause right now I could really use someone who knows me to explain who I am. Hell, I'd even settle for what I am…because I don't think human is on the multiple choice list anymore." Her voice cracked with pain and fear.
"You're the woman I love." He said, his voice husky as he pulled her into his arms. "That has never changed."
"Kaidan, I have reaper eyes. I have reaper thoughts in my brain." She pushed back from him. "I wanted to eradicate one of the scientists this morning, Kaidan. She's sick. A degenerative cell disease that won't kill her for another ten years, but I wanted to repurpose her because she couldn't be allowed to contaminate the gene pool further. James had to pull me off her. I thanked him for it!"
"But you didn't do anything more than scare Dr Hayden." He said in with his quiet stubbornness.
"Because of James!" She shouted at him. "I can't…Kaidan…" She pressed her palms against her forehead. "How long are you going to run the risk of me flipping out and deciding that I need to turn you all into goo because the voices in my head demand it?"
He pulled her hands down, looking at her. "How long do you think our life spans will be here on this planet?" The words were serene but his expression was determined.
"Argh!" She shouted jerking free of him and pacing in a small circle. "Kaidan, you don't get it…"
"No, Rache, you're the one who doesn't get it." He answered moving closer to her once more. "You think there isn't a person in this colony that doesn't understand why you are the way you are? That you did it not just to save us, but to save everyone else the Reapers were going to slaughter?" He deliberately looked down into her neon blue eyes. "We are not turning our backs on you, Rache."
"You fool." She shook her head and stalked away from him.
Kaidan watched carefully as the slender woman standing in the small clearing down the hill from him began a graceful warm-up exercise. He didn't turn away even as he heard someone walking up behind him. James stopped next to him and for a long time the two men were silent, watching the slow, methodical…almost mechanical, even…movements
"How is she?" The large Lieutenant finally asked and didn't seem surprised when Kaidan took his time answering.
"Worse." The word was exhaled. "I used to be able to find traces of Rache in her…now…there's less of who she used to be and more…alien."
James turned and gave the older man a careful study, assessing the truth in the words.
A wry smile lifted a corner of Kaidan's mouth. "She left the bed last night and I caught up with her on the outskirts of our camp. She said the geth required input as to the dimensions of the proposed new hospital and she was going to assist them because her form was superior and didn't require extended periods of sleep."
"That's not good." James exhaled. "She still talking to someone other than the geth in her sleep?"
A long pause and then Kaidan gave a careful nod. "Yes."
"You still think that whoever she's talking to isn't on this planet?"
This time the hesitation was even longer. "Yes."
James' jaw clenched and a muscle throbbed in his neck as tension rode his shoulders. "What about you?" This time the question was even softer.
They had an odd bond, Kaidan mused, he and the lieutenant, and not just as combat brothers. They'd both watched Rache's back. They'd both nearly died in her shadow in the final surge against the Reapers and they'd both been changed by however it was she had brought them back from that brink.
They both loved her.
"She's alive. I'm just not sure if her being alive and not being Rache is enough anymore." Kaidan murmured. "I remember what it was like when she was dead, James. I used to think anything was preferable to that, but this…"
James made an agreeing grunt and bobbed his head. "Sure. I get that. But that didn't answer my question."
"There is a colony depending on me for survival and I would tell them to fuck themselves in a nanosecond if it meant never again having Rache look at me as if she has no clue who I am." Anger bit through Kaidan's voice. "She saved the galaxy, James, and it cost her and I hate that she is disappearing in front of my eyes and I can't do anything about it. I hate that I failed her when she needed me and she ended up saving my ass again. I hate being around her because everything she says or does is a reminder that she's not the woman she used to be. I hate every fucking moment that I'm not by her side helping her remember who she is because I am scared shitless that it will be that moment when she loses herself completely beyond recovery." The words were low and growled and his fists clenched as he spoke them. "Other than that, I am fine."
His expression impassive, James looked back to the woman in the clearing now doing ab crunches. "You ever consider why she saved the galaxy? I mean, she can be a stone cold bitch. I can think of at least two alien species that are now extinct because of her. Maybe there's more. I can't think of anybody in history who has committed more murders than she has. So why'd she come back? That's a heavy thing for even the Butcher of Torfan to live with."
"She was determined to see the end of the Reapers." Kaidan answered without emotion. "Once she makes up her mind…"
"Yeah. Makes up her mind. She did that about a lot of things. This colony here. Bringing the geth here. The scientists. The Normandy. Us." James crossed his arms over his chest. "Chakwas says that whatever she did to us, me being a lot harder to cut, not getting tired as easily, not needing to eat or sleep as often and being stronger than ever is permanent. Same with you and your biotics with no amp, no implant. Hell, even Joker. Chakwas says the modifications she found in us are the same as the ones she found in him. You ever think why the Commander did that?"
"Well, technically she wanted to kill Joker because of his Vrolik's." Kaidan offered with brittle humor.
"But you said no." James bit the answer out, looking at him, his expression fierce. "She looked at you when you said no and changed her mind. We're here because of you, Kaidan, and it's the same reason she's still here and she's fighting so hard to remember who she was. What she was. Because of you. So if you need a pity party, I'm here. You need a punching bag, I'm here. You need to take off and be out of touch for a couple of days, I got a spot picked out for you and provisions packed."
Kaidan's eyes drifted closed and he exhaled a slow breath from his nose. "I appreciate the offer, James…"
"It's not a fucking offer, Alenko, it's a now or later." The words were flat. "I can't help her because she doesn't give a shit if I live or die. So that leaves me helping you. Because if you don't keep it together then she won't come back. She'll have no reason to." He paused letting the fierce anger in his voice fade and then gave a one shoulder shrug. "Plus…we're friends. It'd suck if I didn't have poker nights with you. I'd have to start listening to Joker brag about losin' his cherry again."
An unexpected laugh surged from Kaidan, surprising him.
"Yeah. Laugh it up." James said sourly. "He's almost turned me off sex completely."
How long had it been since he'd laughed? Since she had? Kaidan looked at the woman in the clearing again.
"I think we can manage two days. Just the two of us." He murmured, a smile on his lips.
"Naw, take the Commander instead. I don't do sleep overs with guys." James drawled.
"I didn't mean…" Kaidan started and then laughed again catching the grin on James' face. "I'll start making preparations now."
"Already done. Mako's over there." The Lieutenant jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Cords are in the nav-computer. You're not back in three days I send Joker after you." He gave the pronouncement and then gave a little wave, walking backwards toward the colony. "Have fun."
"We will. Thank you." Kaidan nodded.
It would have been so easy to hate James had their positions been reversed. Had James been the one Rache loved and Kaidan the 'buddy-friend' standing alone in the corner. Kaidan gave a silent thanks that it wasn't a burden he had to carry before carefully making his was down the clearing and the lone woman there.
"We must return. There is no contact here."
Kaidan paused in pulling a duffle from the back of the Mako and gave Rache a study. Her face was pale against the bright glow of neon blue in her eyes and her dermis was starting to light up, the whole effect more ghost than human. "What do you mean, no contact?"
"I cannot communicate with the geth in this place. There is interference. We must return." She tried to take the bag from him and replace it in the rover but he held on.
"Rache, are you in constant contact with the geth?" Kaidan's voice was incredulous.
"No. Since entering this glade contact has been severed. We must return and reestablish communications." She tugged at the bag.
Kaidan was silent a long moment, keeping his grip on the bag as he considered. "No. We aren't returning, Rache. Not yet."
"Yes, we are!" She snapped jerking the strap so hard it broke in her hand. "Dammit, Kaidan, look what you made me do!"
A slow smile began to curve his lips. "Boo hoo." He drawled crossing his arms over his chest to watch her carefully.
Rage had her face flood with color. "Don't make me smack your ass with a biotic display, Kaidan. You won't like the results." She growled at him.
"Oh, by all means, try. Want me to turn around to make it easier for you to aim?" He countered as the nagging tension riding his gut the last two weeks began to ease for the first time.
"Look, you moron, the geth are in their infancy! They need me to help them process and understand what they're going through." Rache snarled at him. "I can't do that if I'm stuck here with you out of contact with them."
"Whoa!" Kaidan held up a hand. "You're what?" Amusement was being replaced by anger. "You're influencing how they develop?"
"I am modifying and making their transition more efficient!"
"What the hell, Rache? Seriously?" Kaidan tossed his hands in the air. "Let me get this correct…you're making sure they develop along the paths you demand rather than find their own?"
She seemed taken aback for a brief moment and quickly rallied. "I am simplifying their growth! Helping them adjust!"
"You're fucking with their minds, Rache, and it stops now." Kaidan snapped back. "Dammit, I knew you were in contact, but I didn't know that it was constant. I had no idea you were basically telling them how to live!"
"I am helping them!" Rache all but shouted in exasperation. "Why can you not see that?"
"I can't see that because the woman I knew would shoot anyone who dared try and enslave a race the way you are." He managed to get the last word out just as the flat of her palm caught his cheek and turned his head.
Face devoid of color, reaper eyes looked first at the red mark on his face and then down to her hand. Without another word she whipped about and all but ran from him.
Swearing, Kaidan tossed the duffle in his hands aside and threw himself down on the open bed of the Mako, his fingers scrubbing over his face as he wondered what the hell he was supposed to do next.
He found her hours later near a large pool of water. She was sitting on the edge, completely still staring down at her reflection while fish swam below the surface.
"I made camp. There's some stew heating as well, courtesy of Vega's cooking skills. Eat at your own risk." Kaidan didn't move closer, simply watched her.
"I have the Illusive Man's eyes." She answered and the fish scattered away from her.
Not sure how to respond, Kaidan kept silent.
"It didn't bother me the first time I saw them. These eyes are more efficient. They can see in the dark. They can read code faster. They can do biometric scans of those near me." She continued. "Who wouldn't want eyes that perform better?"
There was a thread of pain in her voice now that had his stomach muscles clenching in reaction to.
"I can't cry. My eyes have been upgraded so that it is no longer necessary. Plus the need for lubrication has been all but eliminated by the replacing of tissue with more efficient synthetic substances." The words were meant to be casual, meant to be carefree but the underlying note of grief was easily heard. "That didn't bug me before, either. The longer I'm here…the quieter it is…the more I want to scream and cry and rip my own skin out to make sure I bleed red blood."
He closed the distance between them in a mere breath, going to his knees next to her, his arms wrapping about her, burying her head at the crook of his neck and he held her tight.
"Kaidan, I don't think I'm me anymore." She whispered against his throat as her own arms returned the embrace, clutching him as if he were the only anchor left in the world that she could count on. "I think I'm a reaper."
He struggled internally, searching for something, anything to say that would help, would give comfort and kept coming up with a blank.
"Your silence speaks volumes." Rache finally spoke with bitter sarcasm. "Guess I'm not…"
"Dammit, Rache, give me a minute." He rasped pulling her back so he could look at those eyes, his hands framing her head. "Yes. Until you cussed me out near the Mako I thought the same thing. Maybe not that you were a reaper, exactly, but that you weren't you. It scared the hell out of me to the point where I was considering putting a bullet in your head myself."
Her chest convulsed against his in what he thought was a sob until he heard the rusty laugh bubble from her throat. He gave her an unsure study that had her giggling again. "Nice, Kaidan. I love you enough to put a bullet in your head. That's poetry quality there." She careened into full laughter, leaning against his chest.
"Shut up, Rache." He growled at her, the sting of the words lost under the grin on his mouth.
Smiling she looked up at him, her blue eyes almost muted in their glow. "Ah, there's the smooth talker I love."
"He's going to toss you into the water in about five seconds, too." Kaidan threatened even as he pulled her closer, laying his cheek against hers.
Her laughter faded under his touch and after a moment she pulled back and looked up at him. Her fingers cupped his cheek, her thumb stroking over lines that she hadn't noticed being there the last time she'd really looked at him. Continuing her inspections, her gaze rose to his hair and the hint of grey buried in the strands.
"You've lost weight." She murmured returning her gaze to his. "I've worried you."
A sputtering laugh was her answer. "Yeah. For a couple of years now, in fact." She looked away and he brought her attention back to his face with a palm alongside her jaw. "Rache, it's not just you. The colony we're trying to get started here…it's nothing I ever trained for and between being a Spectre and the highest ranking officer everyone's decided I'm the one in charge. There's a lot to mess up when you don't know what the hell you're doing."
"I'm sorry." The words were quiet and sincere. "But honestly, Kaidan, there's no one suited more for the job."
"Then get your head on straight so you can help me." He thunked a knuckle against her skull. "This would be much easier with your help."
Rache gave a sober nod of her head. "I can already see the stress you're under." She pulled herself away from him, rising to her feet and extending a hand down. "Fortunately, I know a very good cure for you."
Wary, he took her hand and let her help him stand. "Oh, yeah? What's that?"
"Hydrotherapy." She answered just before unleashing a pull on him that sent his body careening past hers and into the water.
Sputtering, he surged from the water, fingers wiping at his face and eyes. His expression more determined than angry as he watched her laughing at him, all but daring him to retaliate against her. "Cute, Rache. Real cute." With economical movements he stripped off his soaking jacket and shirt, tossing them to the shore.
"Well, hello there, Mister Alenko." Rache's humor became a low drawl of interest as her gaze fell to his wet chest.
"No, Miss Shepard." Kaidan retorted as his eyes crested with a blue-black biotic flare. "Hello here." He didn't gesture, didn't show any other sign of biotics but her body rose easily into the air with a steady, controlled progress until she was hovering over the water in the deepest part of the pool.
"Kaidan…" She began just as gravity snagged her and dragged her down with a splash.
They made love by the pool. Instead of their usual frenetic, take no prisoners joining, there was a soft touch this time. Not a hesitation or reluctance. More a worshipful sense of touch, as if both knew how lucky they were to have this time, this peace and wanted to make each stroke, each sensuous caress last.
After, still on top of him, enjoying the heated warmth his wet skin was exuding, she tucked her head under his chin and shuddered with a remembered pleasure as his fingers stroked slowly up her spine.
"You told me, once…" She said after a long silence and felt his head adjust so he could look down at her. "…that I made you feel human."
He winced. "Yeah. There's a reason you make fun of my smooth talking ways."
"No. No, that's not what I mean." Rache shook her head. "I didn't understand. I didn't get a lot of the persecution that biotics usually get…I came later to mine than you did yours, but mostly it was because I had no problem showing others exactly what there was to be afraid of and they tended to leave me alone after that."
"Of course you did." Kaidan laughed softly and let his head fall back, his fingers resuming their path up and down her back.
"Something has changed me…really changed me, Kaidan. I wasn't me. I'm still not me." She whispered to his neck. "I think you knew that better than I did. I didn't even care that I wasn't me. But you…you make me remember what it is to be human."
He tensed and then slowly relaxed, as if forcing himself.
"I can't go back yet. I'll lose who I am again."
"I know." He answered this time. "We have a couple of days. We'll take it minute by minute."
She nodded, her cheek rubbing his chest and the fear that had tightened her limbs without her realizing it slowly began to fade. "Okay. That's good. Okay."
They swam again, made love again and finally got around to eating Vega's stew as they sat in the rough camp Kaidan had set up while giving her a chance to figure things out. A warm rain began to fall as they slid into their tent for the night.
The gentle patter was still hitting the surface of the tent when Kaidan woke up hours later and found her gone. A quick check of the camp found her near the Mako, her palms pressed up against the side as blue light pulsed through her body.
"I have optimized fuel cells and upgraded weapon damage capacity." She informed him as he drew near, her voice the flat, emotionless tone he was beginning to hate.
"Rache, it's time to sleep." He said carefully moving closer to her.
"I have achieved sufficient recharge." She informed him. "With these upgrades to the rover we should be able to return…"
"No." He said ignoring the tight fear in his gut as he used his biotics to pull her off the Mako.
She frowned at him as he set her on her feet near him, but not quite close enough to touch. "Optimal performance should be desired. Your feeble mind cannot comprehend…"
"Rache." He said her name carefully.
Anger clenched her jaw. "Inferior creature, your thoughts scramble, unable to understand one who is infinitely your better." She told him as she began to walk back toward the Mako.
Kaidan simply picked her up once more with his biotics and made his way away from the camp. The farther away from the Mako she became, the worse her swearing got. Her volume began to steadily increase until she stopped abruptly, seeing the pool of water shining like dark ink under the moonlit sky.
"Kaidan Alenko, don't you…"
He dropped her in the middle again and she shrieked until she hit water and went under.
He crouched next to the edge of the pool and watched as she broke the surface, slapping her palms in outrage. Her neon blue eyes darted about until they spotted him.
"You bastard!" She snarled at him.
"Love you, too, Rache." He smiled, but there was no humor in his eyes. "You back with me again?"
The question gave her a pause and he could see her thinking over events in the recent time frame. Her anger seemed to fade and she scrubbed her hands over her face. "I did it again."
"I think we're going to move the Mako away from the camp. And any other electronic devices." Kaidan answered carefully.
She muttered something he didn't hear and dove under the water, the neon blue lines dancing about her skin making her easy to track as she swam closer to him and finally surged out of the water. He didn't move, simply watched her as she began to pace in tight circles about the shore, her bare feet squishing in the soft grass. Even her pacing was oddly symmetric.
"I do not accept this." She finally hissed, more to herself than to him. "I reject that I am in any way shape or form a Reaper. I am Rache Shepard, Commander of the Normandy, First Human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel."
"Lover of Kaidan Alenko." He offered, the words floating softly through the dark night.
Her eyes snapped toward him, her expression fierce. "Yes. Yes, so much that." She clenched her jaw. "I will get over this, Kaidan. I will be me."
He rose to his feet and gave her a bittersweet smile. "I can keep dumping you in the water to help." The words were meant to hold humor, but held a promise instead.
She walked into his arms, unhesitating, clutching him. "Then I'll make it."
He stopped her from leaving the tent twice more that night and when the sun began to lighten the sky giving him enough to see by, he packed the Mako full of all the electronic equipment they had and left her sleeping as he drove away.
She was swimming when he finally returned to camp, later that afternoon. Without a word he joined her in the water and held her as her shoulders shuddered with dry sobs.
"So, I'm thinking we should stay here and build a house or shelter or something near the pool."
Rache studied the intricate way the water was boiling in its pan over the fire for a moment longer and then turned to face Kaidan as he stood near her. "What, a 'me, Tarzan, you Jane' sort of life? Don't we need Tonto for that?"
Kaidan narrowed his eyes at her. "Okay, first, Tonto was The Lone Ranger's sidekick, not Tarzan's. Second, if you had ever read the books you would know that Tarzan was an intelligent man who taught himself to read and to write from books he found. All that crap talk like 'me, Tarzan' was just to sell vids."
She grinned and he realized too late that she'd been teasing him. "I read the books. Jane was a ninny who spent a lot of time being kidnapped and getting the men who loved her killed. Or almost killed. And I would have done Tarzan in a heartbeat so any time you get the urge to lose some inhibitions and run around in a loincloth screaming at the animals, you call me on over. Just don't expect me to be Jane. I have standards."
He shook his head laughing softly. "Yeah, you were known the galaxy wide for your standard policy of kill any batarian on sight."
The blue in her eyes pulsed and her expression faded. "They were the first ones reaped. Indoctrination protocols had long been established in their heads of government." She murmured after a moment as if accessing memories that weren't her own. "No viable levels remain to sustain a population."
"Rache." He said her name carefully.
She blinked. "I'm here." She said after a moment and then shook her head, as if tossing off some bad thoughts. "What about the colony you're leading?"
"Someone else can do it." Kaidan stated crossing his arms over his chest, his expression going hard. "I've been thinking about it. We're cut off from the Alliance, from the people who I swore my oaths to. That means I don't owe them a damn thing anymore. I've served. Someone else can do it, not me."
Rache turned her head toward him, her expression incredulous for a moment and then she burst out laughing.
Kaidan glared at her. "I'm serious, Rache."
She laughed harder.
Resisting stomping his foot, he settled for glaring at her, arms folded high on his chest, his entire body radiating disapproval.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to speak and then fell into giggles.
"Grow up, Rache." He snapped finally at the end of his patience and tried to walk past her.
She caught his arm, still giggling and shook her head. "Say it again, Kaidan. How you're going to toss over all your duty and discipline for the woman you love. Say it again, because I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard. Really."
"Screw you, Rache." He flared as hot color flooded his cheeks.
"Oh, you will most definitely be getting that chance in the immediate future." She grinned at him, her blue eyes seeming less foreign and more warm.
He glared, unforgiving and eventually her humor settled to a faint smile as she stared off into the distance.
"Do you know what I did to you, Kaidan? To Vega? Hell, even Joker?" She finally asked lifting her hand to dance her fingers over the spot where his biotic amp had once been and now there was firm flesh and bone.
"Saved our lives." He answered without hesitation.
"I tweaked and modified you. Hell, Joker I almost rebuilt from scratch up." She gave a small shudder. "Without anesthesia, mind you. Poor guy felt it while I stabilized and rebuilt his genetics. Should have killed him, but I knew how to do it without death. You and Vega were easier. You were already mostly dead. Fixing you was simply part of a whole."
"I repeat. Saved our lives." Kaidan's voice was low.
"I didn't even ask." Rache ran a shaky hand through her hair. "I took control and did as I pleased. I was no better than the slavers who killed my family. No better than the Illusive Man. I sure as hell wasn't any better than the Reapers imposing my will on the galaxy. To do what I did, I had to break the woman I was, I had to destroy what she believed in. It was the only way…" A bitter laugh tripped from her tongue. "Never heard a mass murderer say that before, have you?" Sarcasm was harsh.
"I do not doubt for one second, Rache, that you made a hard choice the best you could." Kaidan stepped closer, his earlier ire lost under the need to reassure her. "Knowing the kind of woman you are, seeing even as I stand here looking at you what it cost, I have no doubt that you did what you thought was best for everyone."
Blue eyes looked at him. "Then understand that the choice I am making right now is not the best for everyone. I can't go back with you, Kaidan. Not yet."
His brow narrowed in confusion. "I know. That's why I suggested we start building…"
"And you can't stay." Ruthlessly she cut him off. "They need you, Kaidan. They need your integrity, your sense of duty, your dedication. They…the new colony being built…will need all of that."
"Well, they can't have it." Kaidan snapped back, his dark eyes angry. "You need me, Rache, and I am not leaving you. Not now."
She rose to her feet, her left hand cupping his cheek, her thumb stroking over the strong line of his jaw. "I do need you, Kaidan." The words were soft and simple. "More than the colony does."
"Good." He nodded, jaw firming. "Then we're agreed. I'm staying."
"Kaidan, when you are near me, I know which voices in my head I need to listen to. When I see you say or do something, I think, 'oh, this is how the old me would react' and that's what I do." Her voice was patient and full of pain. "You make me feel safe and protected, something no other person in this galaxy has ever managed to do. You make me feel so aware that I am a woman and that I am loved even with all my screw-ups. These last two days, when I haven't been able to count on my messed up brain to keep track of who I am, I can look at you and I know who I am through your eyes. Everything rights itself."
He stepped closer, his hands on her waist. "And all of those reasons are why the colony can live or die on its own. I am not leaving you."
"Kaidan, I refuse to be anything less than me for you." Rache whispered the words. "Forcing you to define who I am because I lose it is a burden no one should have on their shoulders. I won't be less than everything I am for you."
"So exiling me is your choice? You need to get rid of me to find you, is that it?" Kaidan shook his head. "No. We will find a way together, Rache. If you need to look at me to remember who you were, then that's what…"
"I am not the woman I was, Kaidan." She cut him off softly. "I can't be that woman again. She had the luxury of knowing you loved her no matter what. I need to know you love what I've become."
His head fell back, shaking. "Rache, I love you…"
"Then look at my eyes." Now there was an edge to her voice, a demand.
His delay was short. Less than a breath or the beat of his heart, but it spoke volumes to them both as he stared down into her blue reaper tech eyes.
"I can't ask you to love me as I now am when I don't know who that person is." She continued.
"And you can't find yourself around me?" The words were raw with pain.
"No." She answered simply. "You make it too easy. You hold out your arms and I hide in them. In them I'm not Rache the Reaper, I'm Rache the woman you love who isn't a reaper. I'm the woman you chased across a galaxy in the most screwed up courtship outside of a Shakespeare play. Only I'm not that woman anymore. I'm her memory. I won't be a memory. I won't be a VI who bases responses on probabilities of what the real Rache Shepard would do or say."
He clutched her tight, burying her face in his neck. "I can't decide what's more messed up, Rache. What you just said or the thought of you reading Shakespeare."
"Ass." She retorted but the word lacked heat. "Do you understand, Kaidan? I can't demand you love me if I don't know what I'm asking you to love."
His chest convulsed in a huffing laugh. "Most women would have phrased that as 'expect', Rache, not 'demand'."
"Hell, no. I don't give easy outs." She responded smiling as she pulled her head back so she could look up into his eyes. "I would love nothing more than to stay here and play Tarzan and Rache…not Jane, because she's a wuss…with you. I love that you would, without hesitation, give up such a key part of who you are because I am that important to you. But if I am going to be worthy of that love, I have to find worth in me again, Kaidan. I have to find me. That's why you have to go."
"And what if you regress?" Kaidan demanded, his features white and pinched. "Rache, if you are alone who's going to bring you back from the brink?"
"I am." She stated in flat tones. "So long as you are here, Kaidan, I don't have to fight it because you fight for me. I love you for that. I needed that so much these last two days just so I could rest and see how badly screwed up I am. Now I need to be the one who fights for me. Not because you aren't capable of protecting me, but because you do that job too well. You have to stop protecting me from me and I have to start finding out who I am."
He looked away, his jaw clenching and unclenching as he struggled with her words. "I can't lose you, Rache."
"Kaidan, I'm lost." The words were bald. "You can't find me. I have to do that."
"So, what, I abandon you?" The words were flung at her. "You're hurting, you're confused and I'm just supposed to walk away? No."
"You're supposed to trust me." Rache's voice never rose, her blue eyes watching him carefully even as he shook his head. "Trust that I will find my way. Because if you don't have faith in me, don't trust me, then I've already lost and I might as well be Jane who needs Tarzan to come save her all the damn time."
"You're asking me to leave you alone. You're telling me that I'm not good enough to help you heal."
"No!" The word was snapped and vicious. "No." She repeated again, her eyes narrowed. "I am not saying that. I have only come this far because you helped me, Kaidan. I would be as emotional as a geth if you hadn't kept pulling me back from the brink. I would be lost trying to fix all the rudimentary minds around me if you hadn't kept telling me to knock it off. You have helped me heal. But the rest of the wound in me isn't something you can heal. Only I can do that because it isn't a wound anymore, it's a scar and it's the new me and I have to learn who she is."
Kaidan looked at her, his focus on those strange, alien eyes. "Don't ask me to leave you alone."
"I am asking." The words shook, the resolve anything but, but she didn't look away from him.
His jaw clenched and unclenched, his teeth all but grinding together and he bent over her, glaring down. "No. Hear the word, understand it, Rache. Hell, I'll even write it down for you. No. I am not leaving you alone. You either come back with me, if you feel I need to be there for the colony, or we stay here. The only option not on the table is the one where you try to handle this by yourself."
"Kaidan…" She began, her voice weary.
"No. Deal with it, Rache." He snapped. "There are a lot of options for helping you get through this…chaining you to my side every moment of the day is at the top of my list…leaving you alone is nowhere near it."
"Get me through this? What if I don't get over this, Kaidan? What if this is the new me and she has to be constantly watched so she doesn't do some reaping?" Rache's own temper was rising.
"Then we will stop you." Kaidan stated in flat tones. "You gave us the means when you rebuilt us, James and me. My biotics and his toughness. We can keep you in line."
"You want to babysit me for the rest of your natural lives? Are you insane?" She shouted finally at him in frustration.
"No. I'm in love, so get it through your thick skull that I am not leaving you. This is not a battle you have a choice about fighting alone, Rache. I will be there, at your back, and we will survive this." He ran a hand through hair starting to look shaggy. "We have gone through too much, fought to hard, to be with each other. You think I'm going to give up now? I have you stuck with me on a planet in the ass end of nowhere. No Alliance. No Cerberus. No Council. No one telling us what to do or where to go. And you think I want to give that up because you have bad moments? No." He crossed his arms over his chest, glaring down at her. "Not gonna happen."
"You are insane." She proclaimed tossed her hands, but there was a relief in the words that she tried to mask with derision.
"You're not the first person to point that loving you and insanity seem to go hand in hand." Kaidan's mouth kicked up in one of his one cornered smiles.
Rache whipped toward him, her expression flooding with color. "Who said that?" She demanded, vengeance in her voice.
"Someone nowhere close enough for you to possibly hurt." He laughed and pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek against her head.
She was stiff for a long moment and then sank against him. "Kaidan…just…don't let me go." The words were soft, almost impossible to hear.
"I won't." He promised.