Chapter Three – Behind The Sun
"The tennis racket that locked in your victim is this one here. I matched it to the scratches on the door, and the paint samples on the handle. It belongs to one Sandra Greggory, supposed friend of the deceased"
Greg held the racquet in his gloved hand, waving it back and forth slightly waiting for a reaction of some sort from Sara and Grissom but received nothing, not even a reprimand for handling the evidence roughly. I wonder what they would do if I broke into song, like one of those musicals?
"Ok just so you know, I just went through hundreds of racquets to find just this one and a thank you would hit the spot right about now."
Sara looked at him, a small almost sad smile on her face, Grissom standing silently beside her.
"Thanks Greg."
Sara turned on her heel and left, Grissom watching her silently. Greg decided to take the plunge and ask what was up.
"Is Sara ok?"
Grissom nodded tightly.
"She's fine. Thanks again."
Greg watched as the older man left, knowing that something was up but for the life of him, unable to figure out what.
Grissom trailed Sara as she moved through the halls before finally ending up in the break room. He stood back and waited for a few moments before entering after her, for some reason not wanting her to see that he was following her every move. She paused for a second, her back still turned towards him before continuing pouring her coffee and then filled another before handing it too him.
"Please stop watching me. It's unnerving, creepy and very obvious."
Sara sat down and crossed her jean clad legs, one boot bumping gently against her calf. Grissom said nothing, choosing to lean against the bench top. The silence's had been hard to bear, even harder still was the knowledge that Sara was sick and he had no one to share it with. She had seemed paler then normal when she had come into work for her last shift, and had suffered through the confusion and anger that had come with her announcement of her leaving, and Grissom had to hold himself back from telling them all the truth, that Sara was sick and she could die and she wanted to do it alone. She had pulled her hair back for the first time in a while and Grissom would have happily admired the view of her long neck but this was not a normal shift, nor was this a usual situation.
"Have you eaten today?"
Sara shook her head and sipped at her coffee, her foot now moving up and down lazily.
"Nope. There is nothing like impending surgery to cure any sort of hunger. Next time some one mentions to me a need to lose weight I will highly recommend this."
Grissom said nothing, knowing that there was nothing that he could say to remove the fear from her eyes or voice. The silence settled again and was only broken when Ecklie came bursting in, and ignoring Grissom dug into Sara.
"Why the hell have you suddenly decided to up and leave us one CSI short? Do think that this is just some other job you can throw in and never have to think about it again? Do you have a good reason for leaving? And by good reason I mean are you dying? Because that is about the only excuse I will take."
Sara sat stunned for a few seconds before flashing a glance at Grissom. Then without a word she stood and left the two men alone, Grissom desperate to go after her and Ecklie desperate for answers.
"Women! I just wanted a simple answer but no she has to make it complicated………"
Ecklie moved past Grissom mumbling to himself, while Grissom took a second to think of where Sara might be before heading towards his office, the only really quite place that he could think of. He found her sitting on the small sofa that he used for sleeping, her back towards the door, her body shaking with every sob that was over taking her.
"Oh Sara. He didn't know, he was just being Ecklie."
Grissom moved towards her intending to offer some sort of comfort but she moved first, sitting up bolt straight on the sofa, her face tear streaked and her hair mussed out of the ponytail.
"I know that Grissom. It's hard enough to deal with all of this mess without people reminding me of what I may have to face."
Grissom nodded and allowed her to cry, handing her the box of tissues from his desk and then did what he seemed to do best, waited. He almost smiled when Sara finally stopped crying and her fingers went to her hair where she tried to fix it, and managed too thanks to the skill only women seemed to posses, and with a deep breath she had left his office without a word. Grissom moved behind his desk and sat down, praying that this will all come to a end soon so that he could have the real Sara back not some look a like that had everyone except him fooled. But if I hadn't found out would I even have noticed how sick she is or how much she had changed?
Sara sunk gratefully onto her sofa, a small glass of vodka in her hand. She knew that she shouldn't drink but the need to numb the pain over took any rational thought. She was terrified by what awaited her the day after tomorrow, and it hurt more then anything else that there was no one with her to tell her it would all be ok. This is all self induced, quit bitching Sidle. You are better then that! Sara pushed her own doubts from her head, and took a deep swallow of the clear liquid in her hand, the burning sensation it left a pleasant reminder of being alive. She wanted to erase the memory of the shift, the hurt looks that they had all given her and the look on Grissom's face when she had wordlessly left his office. I hurt them all but its better this way. If I am sick, I don't want to hurt them anymore then I have to. It's better this way. It's too quite. Sara turned on her CD player, finding herself smiling slightly when she was greeted with the Smashing Pumpkins CD that Greg had copied for her, the heavy bass guitar and drums making her feel a little better. Nothing like heavy music to clear your head. Sara moved from the sofa and into her room where she began to pack a bag for her stay in hospital, grabbing a nightgown from her top drawer, some underwear and her spare toothbrush, and then sat on the end of her bed, trying to fathom an existence without work to keep her busy, without Grissom there every day whether she needed him to be or not, and without the support of the rest of the team, the people that she had made into her own dysfunctional family. Wonder if they would all come to my funeral? The thought was so random and sudden that it caught Sara off guard and for a moment she did think of her funeral and almost cried at the lack of people she envisioned there. I guess you don't realize how empty your life is until you could lose it. Sara moved over to the dining room table, gathering together some paper and a pen together. If something happens to me, I don't want to leave any of my relationships like this….And it starts and ends with Grissom.
Dear Grissom,
The one real reason you would have for reading this letter is that something has happened to me and I am now in the big forensics lab in the sky. There are some things I need to get off my chest, but you need to bear with me because things could get messy and I need to ask you to do some things for me.
Our relationship is and has always been a complicated one, hasn't it? One filled with doubt and uncertainty, but it is one I will never regret having. Your friendship has meant more to me then any other and it is something I will forever hold close to my heart, even if I am gone.
You are a very special man Grissom, whether you realize it or not you have a lot to offer the world aside from you talent with forensics. You have a way about you that makes others trust in you, a confidence that seeps through all doubt. I want you to know that you are a beautiful person and though it can take a little to see you behind the mask you put up, it's worth the wait when you shine through. I wanted you to know something Gris. I have always admired you and as hard as it is to admit even though I'm not there to see your face, loved you. I don't know how you feel about me but right now it doesn't matter, what is important is I wanted you to know that I love you and have loved you for a while. So as a friend and co worker I want you to do some things for me. I read some where that in order to live a full existence, you should do something at least once a day that you have never done before. Some thing that clears the head and gets the blood pumping, and just so you know, your rollercoaster's do not count as some thing new! Talk to people more; you'll be surprised what you find out, Griss.
Live a little more. When Nick or Warrick invite you out to drinks, go. They are a pair of very cool guys who don't mind if you sit quietly in the corner (Believe me I've done that before when we went out.) and they are part of the dysfunctional family that is the night shift.
Love a little more. I know that it hard to let others in but you need to do it. You need to find the one woman that makes your head spin and your palms sweat. The one woman who listens when you talk about bugs, who knows when to push you and when to back off, the one person who can read you in a way that no other could. I want you to be truly happy Grissom, not just happy in your work but in all aspects of your life, private and professional.
Last but not least I want you to promise me that you will relax. Stop sleeping at work and start going home at home time. If this illness has taught me anything it's the importance of balance. Work became my balance and by the time I discovered it was the wrong way to go about it, I was in trouble and you had to bail me out. Try to remember what you are forever telling us. Don't let the work affect you. Be neutral. It's time to take your own advice Professor. I hope and I know that you will live a long and happy life Grissom. I wish you all the luck in the world.
All My Love,
Sara.
Sara wiped away the tears that had started and sealed the letter in a white envelope she had found with the paper, and pulled out another sheet and proceeded to write a letter for each and every one of her small team. After several hours, she had them stacked in a small pile and then put them all in a larger envelope, which she addressed to her lawyer and then put it in obvious sight on the table. Sara didn't know how to deal with the idea of her own demise, so she headed back to her room, back to the vodka, back to the world where nothing hurt.
"Has the world gone mad? Greg gets a date, Sara up and leaves us and we get nowhere with those interviews. What's next? Grissom getting a social life?"
Warrick snorted slightly before he took a sip of his hot coffee. He knew that Nick was still smarting somewhat from Sara leaving without a word to no one, and truth be told, so was he. The small team was his family and he thought that everyone else felt the same way. Obviously he was wrong. Warrick wasn't too lost in his thoughts to notice the pretty brunette pass by the room though, and judging by the silence, neither was Nick. She had long brown hair plaited down her back, smooth olive skin, wide eyes and full lips. Before either could comment, the woman saw them and turned on her heel and came into the room.
"I don't suppose either of you happen to be Gil Grissom?"
She spoke clearly flashing Nick and Warrick a wide smile; her friendly voice had a slight Texan twang to it that made the words almost sound lyrical. Warrick reacted first, offering the woman his hand.
"Warrick Brown. And this is Nick stokes. And you are?"
The woman returned his handshake, the smile still in place.
"Alex Walker. I've heard about you guys and your work. I come from the CSI office in LA. That is until I was offered the opportunity to work under the legendary Gil Grissom."
The smile faded from Alex's mouth slightly as she watched Warrick's reaction to her statement. The smile he had on his face faded before her eyes, replaced with a sad look. Nick spoke first
"So you will be replacing Sara Sidle. Man, they didn't waste any time did they. Sorry but I have a feeling your going to get that kind of reaction a lot around here. It's a pretty big pair of shoes you have to fill. Come on, I'll take you to see Grissom."
Nick got up and started walking towards Grissom's office, Alex trailing behind. Good one Walker. First thing you do is step on everyone's toes by saying how you will be replacing one of their friend's. Great first impression.
"And this is Grissom's office, and the man himself is hidden behind all that paperwork."
A voice came out clearly from behind a particularly fat file, the proof of a man there was the top of a greying head.
"Yes Nick and speaking of which I am still waiting for you and Warrick's."
Nick rolled his eyes at Alex, and gave her a warm smile before ducking out of the door again, leaving her to meet one of her biggest heroes.
"You must be Alex Walker. Nice to meet you."
Alex smiled nervously and shook Gil Grissom's firm hand, and then not quite sure what to do, stood in front of the desk, hands in pockets.
"Please, take a seat. If you give me a moment, I'll move these files."
Alex sat in the seat across from the desk, and crossed her legs, twisting her hands nervously. By nature, Alex Walker was not a nervous person, but the idea of working for one of her heroes had thrown any calm thoughts out the window. She started worrying that her skirt was too short, her top too see through. I should never have let Conner pick this outfit.
"Well, Miss Walker I have heard nothing but great things of you. I hope that you will be happy here. I just want to prepare you though, because you are replacing one of our much loved team members who had to leave. But if you have any problems please do not hesitate to come and see me. Do you have any questions?"
Grissom watched the young women before him, trying to say focused on her, and not how her smile was nothing like Sara's. Alex's was smooth and toothy. Not anything like Sara's which was charmingly different with her gap and dimple.
"I just wanted to say Mr. Grissom, that I have been an avid fan of yours since university. I have followed your career, and I am honoured to be working beneath you. Thank you so much for the opportunity."
Sara was like that before the job got to her. Before life got a hold on her. Grissom smiled at the young women, flattered that he had made an impact.
"I hope you don't mind, but Sara was working with me on a case and I need some help completing it. A young girl was murdered at a very prestigious tennis club. We found the racquet that was used to lock her in the sauna, tracked it down to a Sandra Greggory. We need to interview her and find out what the story is. Are you ok with that?"
Alex nodded. She was more then ready to get to work. Grissom smiled at her again.
"Alright then, I'll show you where your locker is then we can get started."
Grissom stood and led Alex out of the office and towards the locker room, bumping into Catherine along the way. The strawberry blond gave Alex the quick once over before putting two and two together and getting four.
"You must be Alex. I'm Catherine, welcome."
Alex shook Catherine's hand, watching as the women slipt past them again.
"And that was Catherine. She just came back from looking after her sick daughter. And this is your locker here. I'll meet you in the break room in ten minutes ok?"
Alex nodded and watched as Grissom left, feeling overwhelmed and excited. This is it Walker. A new start for you and Conner and a chance to prove yourself.
Grissom watched Alex from behind the glass in the interview room, impressed with her interview style. Gone was the young woman with the friendly smile and slight Texan accent, to be replaced with the hard nosed, tough sounding woman before him. The young girl they were questioning was claiming innocence and so far her story checked out. Grissom tuned out a little more each second until he was so completely emersed in his own thoughts that when Alex came out of the interview room she had to physically shake him to bring him back down to planet earth.
"Sorry Alex. I do that sometimes. How did it go?"
Alex shrugged, her white blouse shifting with her slim shoulders.
"Nothing more then we already knew. Maybe I was being too tough on her.'
Grissom shook his head and watched the girl through the glass she was talking to her lawyer.
"She needed it. So we go to the next person on our list. We need to find who did this, and quickly. With Sara leaving so suddenly it left us in quite a lurch."
Alex nodded as she matched Grissom step for step away from the interview room.
"I heard about that. Why did she leave so quickly?"
Grissom shrugged and motioned to his office.
"Let's go over these files again shall we?"
Grissom watched Alex sit down, and once again his mind wondered. Sara. She's having her surgery today, and she wants to be alone. Sara. Beautiful intelligent Sara is going through this all alone. I hope that she's ok.
Sara sat back against the hospital bed and waited, her nerves making her feel panicked and sensitive. They were coming to get her in ten minutes for surgery, and though she was all ready to go, wearing a horribly scratchy hospital gown and all it still felt unreal and incredibly lonely. Sara ached for some conversation, some distraction and for the first time she started to regret pushing them all away.
"You ready Sara?"
The young nurse that had prepped Sara had arrived pushing a wheelchair in front of her. Sara nodded stiffly and hopped into the chair, and all too soon they were in front of the surgery doors. The doctors were moving in and out, and she was moved silently onto the stretcher under the bright lights of the room, and Sara laid back, felt the needle slide into her vein, and counted back from ten as requested, slipping out of the grasp of consciousness by eight.
They were all there, standing side by side silently. The sky was black, and rain drifted down in light sheets, making no sound against the ground. Sara watched as they each said a few words, the sound escaping her. She watched in horror as they each pulled a white envelope from thin air, and Sara felt panic grip her. They had her letters, which could mean only one thing. She was dead. The grave they were standing around was hers, the tears that were falling from Catherine's eyes were for her, and the roses they were placing inside the open grave were for her also. Sara watched somewhat stunned as Grissom put his letter in the grave, knelt and kissed the grave stone, then stepped back to allow the others access.
"If only we knew Sara. If only we knew."
Sara wasn't sure who had said that, but she knew her heart was breaking. She had pushed away the only people that had mattered to her, pushed them away so that they would not get hurt. But she knew that it hurt more for them to be pushed away then it did for her to die, she could see it in their faces. The regret, the hurt and the anger. Sara watched as Grissom moved away first, coming towards her. She stood silently as he brushed past her, silent tears making a way into his beard and then getting lost in the rain. Sara wanted to touch him, to hold him to tell him that it was all ok. But she couldn't make herself move, and he turned to her first.
"BP's dropping, we're losing her."
Sara frowned. That wasn't Grissom's smooth even voice, this one was rushed and cold. Sara felt herself move slightly, her hand coming to rest on Grissom's face. If he felt it, he didn't register, just continued to look at her, his blue eyes clouded with hurt.
"We need to replace the lost blood, and then she should be safe. Hook her up"
There was that voice again, but Sara ignored it, happy to stay with her hand on Grissom's cheek, getting lost in his sad eyes.
"We got her. Let's close up."
Sara continued to stand with her hand on Grissom's face, and then she felt herself start to fall, Grissom's face blurring, her hand landing on empty air. Sara felt panic grip her as she swam through the darkness, looking for an anchor.
Bright light assaulted her eyes, and she closed them quickly. There was too much noise and her side hurt terribly. Her throat felt like she had been licking the dessert floor for a good day and her mind tingled. She felt someone take her hand, and then drop it again, felt someone shift her slightly, moving slow fingers up her side.
"Ow. Please don't do that."
Sara managed to open her eyes and face the culprit. It was a young doctor, one she remembered seeing before her surgery. He smiled slightly at her and offered her a glass of water, which she drunk greedily, the coolness eliminating the dryness in her throat, making her feel a little more alert.
"Sorry just wanted to see how you were. There were complications in the surgery. You lost a lot of blood and we almost lost you there. But you pulled through. So how do you feel?"
Sara gave her body a quick mental going over.
"Sore. Did you get the lump out?"
The doctor nodded, but then his face went serious.
"We found more. Smaller ones, but there were plenty of them. I'm sorry to say that from here your options are limited. What you have is called Invasive ductal carcinoma, which means a cancer that started in the milk ducts but has now spread beyond them. Sara nodded and tried to stay strong. She would fight this.
"What are my options?"
The doctor took a seat across from her and laid her chart across his lap.
"Chemotherapy for six months but you knew about that one. Or there is another surgery. This one is called a Mastectomy; do you know what that is?"
Sara nodded, trying to stay focused, trying to keep the panic from invading her voice as she spoke.
"I will lose one or both breasts. I don't want that to happen so I guess its chemo all the way. What are the side affects?"
The doctor sighed slightly, and looked at Sara carefully.
"Are you sure? It's not something to be done on a whim…"
Sara sat and flashed the doctor a hard look and he finally got the message.
"There is a chance of infertility, hair loss, weight loss, appetite loss, weakness, loss of feeling in limbs, blood clotting problems, mouth, gum and throat issues, diarrhea, constipation, nerve and muscle effects, skin and nail changes, kidney and bladder infections, fluid retention, tooth decay and your sex drive will definitely change.. The next six months is going to be hell on wheels for you. Do you have someone to help you through all of this?"
Sara nodded and then paused as the doctor digested her plain faced lie. She watched as he wrote something on her file and then gave her a small smile.
"I'll be in too see you later. Get some rest."
Sara watched him leave, her heart sinking. Six months of hell loomed ahead and she wanted to talk to someone. Almost without conscious thought, she managed to reach the phone that sat next to her bed, her hand dialling the number she had long since memorized.
"Grissom"
Sara felt better instantly. Grissom was calm, Grissom was sensible, Grissom was who she needed.
"Grissom, it's me."
Sara heard him take a breath on the end of the line, heard him move slightly before he spoke again.
"How are you? I'm going to guess that since I'm talking to you that the surgery went ok?"
Sara shifted slightly in the bed, trying to contain her need for company, trying to stop herself from demanding that he come to see her now.
"It had some complications but it apparently went ok. Am I interrupting something? Are you working?"
"No, just finished introducing our new team member to the wonderful world of files. Do you know how long you'll be stuck in the hospital?"
Sara shook her head, forgetting for a second that they were on the phone.
"No idea. I just finished talking to the doctor about what my options are at this point. They found more lumps Grissom."
Sara heard him take a sharp breath and then silence.
"I'm going with the chemo Grissom there is nothing else to be done really, aside from a mastectomy. And I am not doing that. So who is this new CSI?"
Sara needed to change the topic, her eyes were starting to tear up, and she didn't not want to cry over the phone. Grissom sensed her need for change, and swung into action.
"Her name is Alex Walker; she's from the LA unit. It's been awful quite without you here you know? We miss you."
Sara let his comment hang in the air. He could tell them if he wanted too, but she didn't think she had the courage to tell them the news.
"I know that they should know. But telling them is something completely different. It means hurting them Grissom, and worrying them. As if they didn't have enough on their plates already."
"Friends are like a good cup of coffee Sara. They are there when you need a lift, they are strong and sweet, but most importantly they warm you up if you are cold."
Sara smiled a little at that, images of the team as coffee cups dancing through her head.
"And who said that? Shakespeare?"
Sara heard Grissom almost chuckle and she felt a little better.
"My mother did actually. Coffee addict."
Silence fell again, neither wanted to face the truth, admit to what needed to be done. Grissom stepped up to the plate first.
"Sara, I'm going to call a meeting at the end of the shift. If you don't want me to tell them, call me before hand, otherwise they are going to know. Is that ok?"
Sara felt a little of the weight on her shoulders lift. Grissom is taking the fall for one of the hardest things and he doesn't even have too. He wants too.
"That's ok. Thank you Grissom. Do you think you could do me one more favour?"
Sara took the silence as an invitation to continue.
"One of the side affects from the chemo is that it stuffs up my taste buds. Do you think you could bring me in a whole lot of food, so that I can gorge before the chemo starts?"
Sara heard a small laugh reach her ears, and she smiled properly this time.
"Sure, no problem. I'll come and see you tomorrow ok? Get some rest Sara, and don't worry. You may be surprised at just how well the rest of the team takes the news."
"They are going to be pissed Gil. I would be. They will be pissed that I kept this from them when they should have known from the beginning."
"Let me handle them. You get some rest and I'll see you tomorrow."
"Night Grissom. And thank you"
"Night Sara. Sweet dreams"
Sara hung up the phone and for the first time, she felt slightly relaxed. She knew it was wrong of her to leave the job of telling them to Grissom, but she knew that she would never be able to face them with that kind of news. Best friends or not, she had a distinct feeling that they would hate her for keeping them out of this. She pushed those thoughts away and allowed the drugs to do their work, pushing her over the edge of sleep.