You shouldn't have

You shouldn't have fallen in love with him. The reasons why not are obvious: he is your boss, he seems to have become emotionally unreachable and unavailable after what happened with the last woman he opened up to, he clearly has decided long time ago that he wants to keep professional and personal divided by tall walls he himself has built around both his soul and heart, you are good friends with him and 'coming onto him' could ruin everything else you have…

But you fell in love with him anyway. You shouldn't have, but what's done is done, and nothing can be changed back to what it use to be because you never truly saw him as just a friend to begin with: you always felt attracted to him, you always felt there was something hanging on between the two of you, you always knew the possibilities of something more were there.

You shouldn't have asked him out in the middle of a national crisis. But you did it anyway. Because George Mason's words touched you in ways you couldn't describe even if your life depended on it. Find something that makes you happy and do it; the rest is just background noise. In your defense it can be said that you acted out of fear and despair, that you were afraid you might die if that bomb did go off after all and you needed to get those emotions out of your chest before they became a weight too heavy to carry throughout the rest of the day. So you asked him out. That was so out of character for you it would be telling a lie if you said that you weren't surprised the second you found yourself having that conversation with him. You would be telling a lie if you said you weren't surprised the second you found those words addressed to him leaving your mouth.

You shouldn't have let what happened between Carrie and your brother upset you so much, or at least you shouldn't have let it be shown. But you did anyway; it was too much, too much to handle, and after having worked almost nineteen hours straight and been through all the things you had to put up with that day, losing control seemed to be the least one could expect from a human being. And, no matter what, you are a human being.

You shouldn't have lost it after Danny attacked her, though. You should have remained cool and strong. You should have proven yourself you were stronger than that. You should have proven him you were stronger than that and not just a silly, shy, weak little girl that needs her boss to comfort her when she is tired and scared.

You shouldn't have let him comfort you. But did you need him to comfort you right then and there, when you were so tired and so scared. You put your own needs before your job and allowed yourself to collapse right there in the arms of your boss, who also happens to be the man you are in love with.

You shouldn't have let him touch you the way he did. You shouldn't have let him caress you the way he did. Because the moment he dropped his guard and let you see how much he cared for you, the moment he looked at you in the eyes like that and you saw he was off guard, that moment you lost all self-control you have been left with and kissed him. Yes, you kissed your boss, after having asked him out just mere eight hours ago, in the middle of a national crisis, with World War III possibly just a few feet away.

You shouldn't have kissed him. No matter how sure, how convincing he sounded ten minutes later over the phone when he said to you there was nothing to be sorry for, when he said to you that he wasn't sorry for what had happened. You believed him, yes, you believed in every single word that fell off his lips. You always do. It is impossible for you not to believe in every single word he says.

You shouldn't have taken his hand in yours back in the interrogation room where you two were being held by Chappelle's people. But you did it anyway. Because not only did you need to feel something real after the hell you had been through during the course of the previous twenty-who-knows-how-many hours but you also needed to feel connected with him somehow, even if for only five seconds; you felt your whole body relaxing the moment he squeezed your hand with the same intensity you squeezed his, and for a brief instant the worries and fears that were torturing your mind disappeared and allowed a wave of tranquilization wash over you.

You shouldn't have smiled at him the way you did before you left the office this morning, after he told you he thought of you as one of the few people that had made a difference today. But you did it anyway. Because you know – somehow, you know, somehow you have always known – just how much he loves seeing you smile.

You shouldn't be right here right now, knocking on the door of his apartment at two o'clock in the morning and the reasons why you shouldn't have driven to his place on a rainy night and at these hours are as obvious as the reasons why you shouldn't have fallen in love with him, who happens to be your boss, who happens to be a man who you are sure has promised to himself that he would keep personal and professional divided by tall walls, who happens to be a person you no longer work with but for, who happens to be a person you admire, who happens to be a person who is probably catching up on sleep after the unfortunate events of the last forty eight hours, events that have probably left him worn out so much he is going to kill you once he opens the door and sees you standing there, soaked up in rain, looking like a complete idiot in love, a lovesick puppy that has just knocked on his apartment's door and disturb him from his sleep.

No, you shouldn't be here right now. But you are anyway. Because you couldn't sleep. Because you were scared of falling asleep: you knew nightmares would come haunt you as soon as you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to drift off. You couldn't sleep because the faces of the ones who died kept coming back to you: Paula, George, all those co-workers you will never see again because they're dead now, because they didn't survive, because they weren't as lucky as you were…

You shouldn't be here right now, but you are, anyway.

The moment he opens the door, you immediately regret having let your basic instincts and raw emotions guide you.

The moment he opens the door, you immediately are consumed by the thought that this is not the place where you should be: you should be at home, trying to sleep or crying with your head buried in the pillow or watching a movie to distract yourself from the haunting memories that torture you or staring at the ceiling praying for the flashes of the horrible things that happened that day to go away and leave you alone, but you shouldn't be here-

No, you should definitely not be here, standing right in front of him, soaked up in rain and looking as if you were about to collapse from both physical and emotional tiredness any time soon.

Right now, right now you are regretting having come here; right now you are regretting having not stayed at home; right now you are regretting having thought you could come here in seek of comfort you don't truly know if he wants to provide.

"Sorry, Tony, I… I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't be here, I just thought I,… I just couldn't…" you start rambling out, wanting to explain what are you doing here, wanting to explain why you came here in the first place, but nothing comes past your mouth: all of a sudden it's dry, and you are at a loss of words. All of a sudden you don't know what to say, you don't know how to turn your thoughts into words, you don't know how to force your brain and tongue to connect one with the other, you nearly forget how to breathe and all you can do is babble out some incoherencies that will lead you nowhere.

He looks at you, as if trying to read your face and its expression, as if trying to understand all those things you cannot put into words.

He succeeds: he sees in your eyes the fear, the exhaustion, the fatigue, the weariness, the defeat, the sadness, the lack of rest, the need for soothe that you have, the physical soreness, the empty holes in your heart that need to be filled, the wounds and scars that need to be healed…

He sees it all, he understands it all, because he feels the same way you do: he is tired too, and his appearance gives away the fact that he hasn't had any slept ever since he got home from work; it's obvious he couldn't close his eyes without re-living it all either. The sadness, the defeat, the weariness, the lack of rest, the need for soothe, the fatigue, all those heavy things you are carrying on your shoulders he is carrying them too, he has been carrying them ever since the day he discovered Nina had betrayed him, he has been carrying them ever since the day Teri Bauer did, he has been carrying them ever since the day he promised personal and professional won't mix again. He has been carrying them for so long that he doesn't remember how everything was when that weight wasn't on his shoulders.

His heart is – it has been for a long time now – full of holes that require to be filled, and the scars and wounds in his soul have been waiting for too long to be healed.

The moment he caresses your lips with his thumb in order to make them stop quiver, the moment he cups your cold, wet face with his warm hands, the moment he locks his eyes with yours, the moment he whispers that it's okay, that he is glad you are there because he doesn't want to be alone, all your previous thoughts are thrown out the window and a wave of tranquilization provided by the gentleness of his touch washes over you once again.

The moment he asks you if you would like some tea or a cup of coffee and offers you some of his clothes to change into because he doesn't want you to catch a cold (for a brief instant you have forgotten you were all soaked up in rain), you relax a little bit more.

The moment he sits by your side on the couch and tells you he wants nothing buy to hold you and make the pain you are feeling go away, you know you did the right thing by letting your instinct and raw emotions guide you.

In theory, you shouldn't have come, but you came anyway. You are glad you did, and so is he.