Chapter Three: Season Three
"Previously on "The Tragic Tale of Boymony", The Master attacked and hurt a lot of people, but he was stopped because he was a vampire. Then the Anointed One attacked and hurt a couple of people, but then he was stopped by someone more evil. Then Spike and Drusilla did evil things, until Angel felt so good he decided to be evil and was more evil than the other two, so the less evil people stopped him with the help of Buffy and Boymony. And then everyone had summer vacation."
"Wow! Thanks for telling us that story Giles!" Willow said to Giles, who had just finished telling them that story.
"It is a very excellent story," Giles said snootily, with a touch of a British accent. "I shall record it in the Watcher's Diaries for posterity, because that is what you do with diaries, write about what other people did."
"Do you think Buffy will ever come back?" Xander, Buffy's best male friend asked.
"It is doubtful," Joyce said. "I disowned her and gave all her things to Goodwill and called the police on her because she continued to date Angel even though I didn't want her too."
"I miss Buffy," Cordelia said.
"We all do," Boymony answered with a manly giggle.
They had no more time to worry about Buffy though, as suddenly the television came on.
"The results are in, and it looks like the Mayor is once again the Mayor of Sunnydale!" the smiling male newscaster said with a smile, but not a simile.
"Yes he is, but that's a capital T in The Mayor, because it's a title fellow newscaster," the slightly less smiling female newscaster said with less of a smile and about as much of a simile.
"Whoops, sorry about that. I thought it was an indefinite article! Silly me!"
"Yes, you are silly!"
Both newscasters laughed uproariously until the news station was attacked by zombies.
"Well, there is much less evil in the world now," Oz said, referring to how the moon was only full some of the time, instead of a couple of the times.
"Yes, but Jenny Calendar is still dead," Giles said with a sigh.
"Don't worry about her," Boymony said. "She was Jewish, so I'm sure she's in Jewish heaven or something."
"I'm Jewish!" Willow said angrily, "She was a gypsy! Despite the similar beginnings of both words, they are not the same thing."
Boymony looked at Willow coldly. "I do not find you physically attractive. Get a boyfriend other than me or something."
Willow or somethinged.
"Well, since there are no bad guys to fight, I shall go play with my band at the Bronze," Oz said, brushing some werewolf hair out of his head.
"Ah ha! I know how to liven this place up!" Cordelia said, with a popular grin. "Boymony, we should make an Anti-Oz Band to counter his band!"
"Excellent idea!" Giles said, smashing his glasses against his face. "That should encourage everyone to kill vampires!"
"What? No!" Cordelia said, shocked. "It should encourage them to dance!"
"And through their dancing, they shall kill vampires?" Giles questioned.
"Just be quiet, silly British face. Boymony, we have no one of musical talent in our band. Who should we have help us?"
"That Oz guy is pretty okay with music! Let's have him join our band!"
"Okay," Oz said.
So with the help of Oz they formed their own band, but as they were playing at the Bronze, they were suddenly attacked by vampires and zombies. Things looked grim, as Boymony was only able to kill thirty of them, when Buffy jumped through the wall and killed the rest.
"Buffy you're back!" Joyce said happily, hugging her only daughter, the one that she has.
"Yes, Joyce, I am back," Buffy said with a world-ending smile.
Suddenly, everyone noticed a girl dancing with three zombies and one vampire. She danced with them and then she killed them, just like how Buffy did…but eviler.
"Who are you?" Willow demanded, flaunting her red hair at the new, somewhat evil girl.
"I am Faith, the Vampire Slayer!"
"A Vampire Slayer," Buffy corrected.
"What?" Faith said. "Who are you?"
"I am the Vampire Slayer."
"Well that's kind of rude, Buffy," Joyce said. "I'm sure Faith here worked just as hard as you to be a good Vampire Slayer."
"Yeah!" Faith said, continuing her sexy dance.
"She hasn't saved the world as many times as I have! I've saved it like three times!"
"Are you counting the Judge?" Giles asked. "Because I don't know if he was directly threatening the world. After all, if a Rocket Launcher could stop him, I don't think the situation required us. Any sort of military action would suffice."
"Fine, but then we have to count the first time The Master tried to escape with his stupid Mark of the Anointed as a time I saved the world, so it's still three."
Giles looked at Buffy long and hard, but in the end decided to give her that point. With that issue resolved, Boymony carried everyone and her car back to the library, where they discussed stuff. Before the conversation could get too detailed, bad stuff happened in the form of several vampires attacking, one being black and the other being a vampire.
"Oh no!" Faith said, stopping her sexy dancing to clasp her hands over her face and shriek in terrified fright. "It's Mr. Trick and that other vampire, the one that killed my Watcher!"
"Yes!" That other vampire said, laughing with evil in his heart. "And now I shall kill your new watcher!"
"Capital W in Watcher, as it is a title," Willow corrected.
"Ah, sorry about that. I was evil," the vampire said as he reached for Giles and killed him.
"Wait! I'm not her Watcher, I'm HER Watcher," Giles said, pointing at Boymony.
"I'm not a Slayer," Boymony said, her voice face registering her surprise. "I'm not even a girl!"
"I was pointing at Buffy, who is standing behind you."
"Oh!" Buffy said, surprised. "So I am!"
Things looked grim for our heroes, Boymony managed to punch the several vampires into dust, the other vampire, the one with evil in his heart, and the black vampire who was being tricky were too powerful, at least until Angel fell out of a hole in the sky and crushed the evil vampire.
"This place is too crazy for me, I'm going to look for work!" Mr. Trick said, leaving.
"Angel! You're back!" Buffy said, kissing him.
"Rar!" Angel said, biting her kiss.
"Oh no!" Xander said. "He must have gone insane from being trapped in a hell dimension, how will we fix that?"
Boymony punched Angel in the face. The action reminded him of the action that sent him into hell, and he instantly got over all the hell he went through in hell.
"Buffy! I love you!" Angel said, kissing her.
"Ha, isn't it funny how the vampire loves the Vampire Slayer?" Joyce said, with a motherly grin on her motherly face.
"He's a vampire?" Faith shouted, "Then he must die!"
Faith attempted to kill Angel, but Buffy kicked Faith in the groin and knee.
"No Faith! He's a good vampire!"
"I believe you now!" Faith said, stopping her attempt to kill Angel.
Soon everything was back to normal, and people were happy, only now Faith joined Buffy, Angel and Boymony when they went out to kill things to save people. The four killed lots of things and it was good for a while, but soon Anyanka came and tried to make people make wishes.
"Hey Boymony, do you wish for something?"
"Hmm," Boymony said, thinking hard. "I wish I knew what you would wish for, were you me and in my position."
"Granted!" Anyanka said, laughing evilly. "You would wish for…the knowledge of what I would wish for were I you and in your position."
"Oh. That makes sense I suppose."
Anyanka grinned evilly and left to find more people, but then Spike showed up.
"You!" Boymony said, cracking her knuckles against his shins with anger.
"Yes! Me!" Spike said, running his fingers through his Draco Malfoy-like hair. "I have come to seek help in getting Drusilla to love me again, as she does not now."
"Everytime you come near me, I am filled with rage…and some other, unexplainable feeling," Boymony said, twitching his face in a twitchy motion.
Spike frowned. "I also feel those feelings. But that doesn't prevent me from needing your help."
"Just punch her in the face, that's what I did to Cordelia," Boymony said, holding up Cordelia's head. Spike brightened immediately.
"That's bloody brilliant! She loves that kind of stuff! Thanks!" And then Spike turned into a bat and flew away.
With that problem solved, Anyanka tried to get Faith to make a wish.
"If you could wish for anything, what would you wish for?"
"I don't know…what would I wish for?" Faith said evilly.
"Excellent question!" Anyanka said, teleporting away.
Suddenly, Giles showed up.
"Giles? What are you doing here?" Boymony asked, as Buffy and Angel kissed and Cordelia snubbed Xander, who she was no longer dating.
"I am the new Giles, sent from England to be Faith's Watcher," the new Giles said, his stuffy British accent even stuffier and more British than Giles'!
"Watch out, that vampire will kill you if you are Faith's Watcher!" Angel said.
New Giles looked very frightened and cleaned his glasses, until Oz reassured him through his werewolf cage that Angel had crushed that vampire and he was no longer among the living. New Giles smiled at that, and then proceeded to ask questions at people.
"So Faith, you took over as Slayer after Kendra died."
"Yes. I know who that is," Faith said, grinning sexily.
"And Kendra took over after you died," New Giles said to Buffy, who nodded. "So it is my theory that Buffy no longer counts as a Slayer."
"What the Hellmouth does that mean, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce?" Giles asked New Giles.
"Well you see, when Buffy died, that moved the Slayer Line down to Kendra, and then Kendra died and moved it to Faith. Buffy coming back to life was not supposed to happen, and never has happened before, but basically I think it means that if she dies, it no longer triggers another Slayer."
"And why is that?" Buffy asked, ignoring Faith's evil dance.
"Because your death already triggered another Slayer. If every time you died a new Slayer was created, why the Council would have me stop your heart with a Defibrillator and then use it to bring you back to life! HA HA HA HA!"
"I don't get British humor," Xander said to Anyanka who asked what he would like to wish for. "I wish you would never ask me that again!"
And with that wish, Anyanka was turned into the human Anya and she ran away, because bad stuff was happening soon that couldn't be stopped ever.
"If it really worked that way, then shouldn't Buffy no longer have superpowers?" Giles asked.
"It's not a perfect theory and wow Cordelia is physically attractive. Despite her youth, she looks like a mature woman of 28 and it is therefore not creepy for me to be interested in her!" New Giles said, looking seductively at Cordelia, who returned his advances.
Boymony was mad at them, but she didn't have any time to continue being mad when Mr. Trick jumped out and threw the Deputy Mayor at Faith. Faith cut him in half with her stake before realizing it was a human, and then killed Mr. Trick and then joined The Mayor, because she was sorry.
Soon the time for the final battle was at hand, and not even Vampire Willow could stop them. Because Oz killed her. The whole school fought really hard, and the bad guys fought hard too and things looked kind of murky until a vampire caught Boymony and bit him in the neck, dragging the hunky beefcake off the battlefield and into an ice cream truck, where Boymony managed to tear the vampires leg off and stake him with the leg-bone. But it was too late…
The Mayor and Faith both died in the explosion that propelled Cordelia, Angel and New Giles to Los Angeles, where they were never heard from again and then everyone was happy. Until next time. When they became less happy. Because of sad things.