Chapter 3
Longing

Zuko entered the meeting room to find that it was only he and Aang inside. Though he wasn't late, he wasn't exactly early either. The room seemed strangely peaceful and nice, with only Aang sitting in the large room by himself, much different from yesterday with all of the yelling. His ears rang just thinking about it.
"Where is everyone?" inquired Zuko, his voice echoing off the walls.
"I asked them to leave and come back in an hour. I wanted to speak with you privately."
"Uhh, all right then. What is it?" he asked with a bit of nerves lilting off from his tongue. This was unusual and made Zuko a bit anxious, in all honesty, especially since it wasn't going according to the plan he'd thought out in his head prior for today's meeting. He went to sit down at his place at the other end of the table, before the Avatar stopped him.
"No, just sit here, it's no use yelling across the room if we don't have to. I don't much like it anyways," he said solemnly, much unlike his normal bubbly self.
Taking a seat next to his friend, the young Fire Lord began, nervously, after adjusting his robes, "Is there anything in particular that you wanted to speak to me about?" It wasn't until now that he noticed how awful the Avatar looked. "Aang, are you all right? What's wrong, you look terrible, have you been sleeping?" He grabbed the sides of Avatar Aang's head and pulled it towards himself with genuine concern, trying to get a better look at him. "You have bags as big a badgermole, what's going on?"
"Mmnnnngh," he groaned in reply, "I've been up late thinking about the meetings and everything that's happened and I'm still not sleeping well. I'm all right though! See?" He looked right up at Zuko and closed his tired eyes and gave him the biggest of grins, before putting his head back down in his arms.
"Who are you trying to convince with that, me, or yourself?" he said to the back of a bald head.
"I don't even know anymore. I'm just so sick of this, Zuko, especially after yesterday. I thought things were going to get easier, not harder. These people won't budge, and I know it's not just your fault; they aren't being very cooperative. But you've got to be more open-minded, especially to the Earth Kingdom's aversion to the colonies." He said it with a raise in his voice in a complaintative way that reminded the Fire Lord how young the Avatar was, and subsequently how young he was as well. They have big shoes to fill for mere teenagers.
"I know," the once Fire Prince said, placing a hand on his shoulder, "I've already spoken to Toph about it. She made some pretty good points."
"You talked to Toph?"
"Yeah, and she made a lot of sense. She helped me understand things better." While saying this he felt a bit strange about the physical contact, and took his hand back from his shoulder. They had hardly talked, much less touched, since their embrace after Zuko was coronated. There hadn't been any time for hanging out or catching up. There never seemed to be anymore.
"That's good." Aang sighed, "Now if we could only make them see things better as well."
"Can't you just go into your Avatar State and knock some sense into them?" Zuko said trying to push out a laugh.
"No, that wouldn't work," he began and while yawning added, "I don't think."
"It was a joke, I wasn't serious," Zuko said matter-of-factly.
"Besides," Aang went on, not seemingly hearing the Fire Lord, "We haven't been very…" He paused looking for the right word, "'Vocal' lately. A lot's been going on."
"Is everything all right? I didn't think the Avatar could actually have conversations like that. Did something happen? Aang?" Zuko nudged Aang and he didn't move. His breathing slowed, steadied, and lengthened; a sure sign that the young Avatar had fallen asleep. Fire Lord Zuko rose with an exhale, looking around and trying to think of a solution for what to do. Shaking his head annoyed at the situation as a whole, he hoisted the boy up out of the chair and into his arms. He mumbled in his sleep as if to say something, but as if out of sheer weakness, began to snore lightly instead. The two boys moved as one across the large room, one carrying the other to the door, and opening it with his back, letting the morning's light shine over them. The Fire Lord hoped to sneak out successfully, but he'd have no such luck.
"What's this, what's going on?" A Fire Nation aristocrat said to him while walking over. He recognized him from the meeting as one of the Colonial Representatives. His face scrunched in obvious displeasure over something that wasn't told to him earlier. "What are you doing?"
"The meeting's cancelled indefinitely. The Avatar needs rest." He said it firmly, but softly, not wanting to wake the Avatar, while continuing to walk, not slowing his gait.
"What?" he said indignantly, "You can't do that!"
"Can't do what, what's happening here?" Now an Earth Kingdom official was blocking his path.
"Prince Zuko is calling the meeting off because the boy wants to sleep!"
"He can't do that, what about the talks? The Prince—"
"I am the Fire Lord, and this is the Avatar and you will show some respect! I can and am doing just that. Now move out of my way, before I get someone to escort you back to your rooms!" Zuko bellowed, a spark of fire emanating from his mouth, no longer able to stay quiet for the exhausted Aang. Though, thankfully, he didn't even flinch. The Earth Kingdom official, on the other hand, not only got out of the way, but bowed hastily before running off.
"Well good riddance," the Fire Nation man began, "Maybe that will teach their kind some—"
"Excuse me?" Zuko interjected, "Are you going to need an escort, or are you going to return on your own?" There was a silence while Zuko stared down the representative, tired of the senseless bickering. The only sound you could hear other than the wind, was Aang's light snoring. Without breaking gaze until he had to turn, the official eventually bowed meekly, and walked back in the direction of his room. "The things I do for the Avatar," he said to himself, "I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the end."
In lieu of what just happened and his not wanting to bump into any more prying eyes, the Fire Lord opted to carry the Avatar to his own chambers instead, as they were closer. The guards stationed in the wing of the palace—since the previous attempts on his life—stiffened and stood up straight as Zuko approached.
"The Avatar needs sleep. I do not want myself or the Avatar to be disturbed for anything less than a dragon attack, is that understood?"
With a bow and a slightly shaky voice the two guards in uniform say, "Yes, sir?"
"And I no longer want the kitchen opened all night. You tell the Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation representatives they are limited to the set three meals a day and if any more items come up missing during their stay, that I will personally see to it that they have it replaced."
"Yes, Pri—Lord Zuko," one guard responded while the other walked in front, opening the door for him
"I also want a gala in my honor in three days. I think people need to start learning just who I am," Zuko said, his frustration almost palpable, walking into his room. "And I want the Fire Lord's chambers prepped and ready for me to sleep in tonight. I will be using that as my room from here on out.
"Y-yes, Fire Lord Zuko." And they both bowed and shut the door louder than he would have liked.
Maybe Uncle wouldn't approve of my methods, he thought, laying the sleeping Aang unto his bed and walking to the fireplace, But there is a terrifying lack of respect and I intend to amend that. Things are going to change.
Breathing heartily, he shot out a satisfying flame unto the wood and a warm heat started filling the room almost instantly. Walking over to the sleeping Avatar, he looked down at his slightly crumpled form on his bed. All the times I chased you down, and now you're asleep on my bed. Things do change.
The Avatar's arms in the transit have since been caught up in the loose orange and yellow fabric of his robes. Thinking he'd be unable to get his arms relaced into the holes without waking him up, he instead opted to slip the top off altogether. He slid Aang's body up the bed and lifted his head to place a pillow underneath. Seeing the small boy on such a large bed was almost comical to Zuko, he might have laughed, but he found himself getting tired as well. He sat next to him on the bed and just looked at him for a while. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Watching him breathe calmed Zuko. It made him happy. He's glad he never caught him or did any of the things to him he used to think was best. He was wrong. The Avatar isn't some terrorist to the Fire Nation, he's just a boy, trying to live his life and protect the people he loves.
The Fire Lord realized this much later than he should have, and he felt guilty because of it. He should have listened to his Uncle more. Maybe it should be him on the throne. Occasionally Zuko thought about this, and once even almost brought it up to Iroh, but he never could find the appropriate wording. It is, after all, Zuko's destiny to be Fire Lord and aid the Avatar in rebuilding the world, but he couldn't help but think that maybe his Uncle Iroh would be a great Fire Lord in his own right. But that was out of the question now, and didn't really matter. What mattered now was helping to repair all the damage done and putting some stability back into the world. A tough task, but one that he and the Avatar are set on doing. Though, admittedly, it was a tiring one, and the evidence of that was right in front of him.
Aang rolled over and started snoring louder. He must be exhausted, he thought, and I thought my job was hard. I could never dream what it was like to be the Avatar. I have one nation to keep control over, he has four.
The fire crackled and spat and released a nice, light smell into the room. Only the most special scented logs for the Fire Lord, after all. He must talk to someone about all of these unnecessary lavishments sometime. Much different than how Aang was raised, most likely. He could hardly imagine living like a monk, with only the bare essentials. Even when he was traveling with his uncle, he was always afforded only the best supplies and furnishings. He looked at the Avatar and tried to imagine what his life was like. A whole different set of responsibilities looming over his head. Zuko himself knew how hard it was to be a normal child, but being the Avatar? Never meeting your parents? His childhood must have been no easy feat. He felt bad for the boy; would he ever get his rest? Even now, when the worst is supposed to be over, he's so exhausted he can't even stay awake. It's no way to live.
"I hope you get your rest soon," the Fire Lord said, brushing his bald head lightly. The hair was starting to grow back in and was a bit prickly to the touch. He probably doesn't even have time to shave. His hand fell to the back of his neck, and he suddenly found himself tracing his tattoo lines with his finger. It was strangely and unusually enjoyable to him. It was probably the most peaceful he felt in weeks. He liked being with Avatar, and he missed those night in the Western Air Temple. Just practicing and talking and sitting around a fire. He sometimes longed for those simple nights; everything now was so formal, so expected of him. He never got to just be himself anymore. Even when he was hunting the Avatar down with his Uncle, he was trying to be someone he was not. He understood that now. He didn't have to impress his father anymore; the Fire Lord. He was the Fire Lord now, and he had no one to impress anymore—except maybe for the Avatar himself. While it was his duty to be a good Fire Lord, he couldn't help but feel sometimes as if some of his actions and choices might disappoint the Avatar, and he tried to act accordingly.
By now his hand started tracing around the pink healing scar on his back that he received from his sister, Azula, that contrasted the air nomad's otherwise pale skin. Zuko felt guilty thinking about it, though he didn't entirely know why. He felt the same way when thinking about Ty Lee or Mai as well, and as a result, he found himself pushing them all out of his mind more than he probably should. The skin on his back went from smooth to rough, to smooth again. It felt like the same scar he had on his face, and it made him feel a very particular and personal kind of sadness. You can hide many things in life from people, but not the scars that are left behind. Those were their burdens to bear alone. Something they could never hide and never forget. They were alike, in this way.
"I love you." The words escaped his lips before he even realized it. As he said it his hand reached the center of the scar on his back and Aang stirred.
"Huh, Zuko?" He stretched and rubbed his eyes.
"Uhhh…" He was at a loss for words as the panic rose up into his throat. A ball of lead seemed to form in his gut and he felt all of the blood leeching away from his face. Why did he just say that? Did he hear what he said? "Uhm, hey… Aang," Zuko managed to choke out after almost gagging.
"Where am I, what's going on?" he sat up still rubbing one of his eyes and looking at him, "And where's my shirt?"
"I uhh, I took it off. You looked uncomfortable and I, uhh, yeah." He scooted forward on the bed and looked away from Aang, swearing to himself in his mind out of worry.
"Okay then… well, what happened to the meeting? Did I sleep through it?"
"Yes well, no—" The Fire Lord tripped over his words, "I called it off."
"You what? Why? You can't do that, what about the colonies?" Aang sat completely up and looked distraughtly at Zuko. Though he was upset at him, he couldn't help to at least feel a little bit relieved. He didn't notice what he said, at least it seemed that way. And he'd much rather defend this action than the other.
"I cancelled it so we could prepare and get some rest," he said calmly, "It wouldn't appropriate to be making such important decisions with either of us in this state." The words flowed more easily again.
"But things are getting bad Zuko, we need to decide what to do quickly before things escalate!" Though unhappy about the news, he still seemed more tired than anything.
"Things will definitely escalate if we hastily make and rush into a bad decision. We need to do what's best for everyone, and in a situation as complex as this, it needs deep and intelligent thought and conversation, not needless bickering and arguments." He was almost impressed at himself at how well he was recovering from his scare and able to talk so eloquently. His words seemed to calm Aang, and that was good, really, for the both of them.
"I… I guess you're right." He was silent for a moment. "But why am I in your room though?" He asked it more playfully than anything, one eyebrow higher than the other.
"Oh, you know. Just trying to do my duty to finally capture the Avatar as my prisoner. You've got me." He looked at Aang and raised his hands up in a show. The Avatar smiled, but didn't say anything, still looking for the real answer. "You fell asleep in the meeting room and I took you here because it was closer. Less questions."
Aang nodded, and laid back down a bit, satisfied with his answer. "I'm sorry about that, but I really should get back to my own room," he said, his words contradicting his actions as he got more comfortable on Zuko's bed, desperately trying to fight back sleep.
"Sure, just as soon as you've the energy to get there." He rose and rapped Aang's leg, as the Avatar kicked off his shoes and buried his face into the pillow. Zuko couldn't help but wonder if it smelled like him, but shook away the thought from his head, as he did with so many about Mai and his sister, a strange feeling of guilt fogging his mind.
"All right. Thanks, Zuko. I'll just stay here for… for a little while. Tell everyone I'll be out in a bit, I just need to… hmmm frmmm…" Aang's voice trailed off into his slumber, too tired to say anything more.
Zuko rose and walked over to the door, opening it and looking back at him on his bed.
"Goodnight Avatar, you deserve some rest, for once. You deserve that and so much more." And with a nod, he left.