Notes: Nope. Nope. Nope.

Leahelisabeth: Well, prepare yourself for some schmoop then XD

Eri: Totally! Gold star for you! :D I had her all picked out when I started planning the series in October. Far too perfect for the role ;)

Disclaimer: Nope. Nope. Nope.

CHAPTER 3

As quietly as he could, Castiel padded out of his brother's room where both Balthazar and Gabriel had fallen asleep on the bed, crumpled in on each other. It wasn't very late at night yet, most of the ship was still awake actually and just finding little ways to pass the time until they could no longer keep their eyes open. His brothers however were exhausted, he thought with a sad pang to his chest.

Ever since his 'accident' two weeks prior they had been worrying day and night over him. Even when it wasn't even their turn to keep watch, they still were laying awake in their beds thinking of sorts of horrible things. Castiel knew those thoughts were dark because they hung around his brothers like a dirty smog whenever he saw them.

They had taken him back to Balthazar's room after dinner this night, just to have some alone time together and to distract him from the ache that always grew worse after sitting in the hard chairs for the nightly meal. Gabriel had tried to read one of his books out loud for them, over-acting out certain parts that he found funny and making ridiculous faces that even got Castiel to crack a smile. When his voice started to crack too much from the strain of yelling, Balthazar had taken over and had suggested that they try origami with some old star maps recalling that it was one of Cassy's favorite pastimes when he was young. It was entertaining enough to be able to lose oneself in the crisp feel of the paper, the relaxing smoothing of the folds, the intricate patterns that challenged and distracted his mind. What his brothers found more entertaining were throwing their crumpled up failed attempts at each other when they finally gave up on whatever creature they had been working on. Still, Castiel was happy to see that the origami was working to make them all forget for a little while, not just him.

A swan, a bumblebee, a paper firefly ship (Cassy-bear….what the fuck?! How do you even…), a geometric star, and a host of paper flowers later, Castiel glanced up to see the slumbering forms of Gabriel and Balthazar, still with torn up shreds of paper littering their chests.

He smiled at the sight fondly and pulled a blanket from the chest at the foot of the bed, draping it over the two of them. He frowned when he saw that it was far too small to cover both full grown men no matter how short in stature Gabriel was, but they were sleeping sound enough that he let it slide.

He watched them for a while, thinking about many things. How things used to be. How things are now. How he wished they could be…Mostly he thought about how he hated that he was the cause of all the disrupt on the ship. There had been those glorious weeks where everyone was happy, content, but then he went and blew everything down by trying to solve a problem on his own. He just hated that he remembered being so independent, so self assured, so confident in himself back before…but now…

He thought back to days before when he was still trying to sleep off the effects of the overdose in the infirmary. The others probably thought he was asleep, but his back had started to ache as he had been placed on his back when Dean and Bobby had brought him here and disposed of him on the bed. He was just going to turn on his side when he heard Dean's voice. He sounded angry. He had cursed himself for forgetting that too many drugs in his system made it so he could feel others very well, and right now he couldn't get a grasp on Dean's thoughts and emotions. It made him feel hollow.

Those in the room where whispering low, so he had strained his ears to try and listen to the conversation, to see if he could pick up on why Dean was so angry.

"Well why didn't he just come to us?"

That was Dean.

"I don't know, man. He probably just thought that it wasn't a big deal—"

That was Sam's soothing soft voice as he tried his best to calm his older brother.

"Not a big deal? He's not stupid. He knows that something like that is a fucking big deal."

He heard Sam sigh heavily, "What do you want me to say, Dean? Do you really want me to punch you in the gut and remind you that Cas is just one stamp short of postal?"

He heard the sharp intake of breath from Dean, "Fuck. Fine. Sure. Let's just add on that when he's like this he's just a baby in a trenchcoat," he said bitterly.

"Dean…You don't mean that."

"So you're psychic too now?"

Castiel had stopped listening at that point. He didn't care that with each breath he took in his back screamed in protest. He forced himself into oblivion so he didn't have to hear or feel anything anymore.

He had withdrawn a lot after that, barely speaking to anyone and certainly doing his best to keep a brave face for everyone else. He didn't want to seem like even more of a burden, like a helpless child who couldn't take care of himself, so he just did what he was told and did his best ot not speak of things that would upset the others further.

To keep up appearances he had continued to spend a great deal of his time with Dean, but it wasn't the same. There was an undercurrent of wariness, or bitterness the flowed through both of them when they were alone together. The times that Dean would touch him, sooth his aching shoulders, they just weren't the same and he could feel it eating away at the both of them.

Just like it was eating away at his brothers, slowly pulling the energy from them until they were drained and spent and weary. Even Sam was starting to show the effects, like Castiel was spreading some sort of wasting sickness around the ship and it was only a matter of time until everyone was infected. Castiel was taking Gabriel away from Sam by making his brother feel like he had to be at Castiel's side whenever he could, and he was also taking Dean away by making the older Winchester clam up and be consumed by worry for him.

It was truly a wonder that the younger Winchester didn't hate him. Sam didn't get enough credit for his support of Dean and his encompassing welcome to those who Dean took in. And all of it served to make Castiel feel even worse that he was causing a rift between the strong bonds that Sam had with Dean and Gabriel.

Stretching his tendrils out around each new corner, he made sure that there was no one around the bend as he made his way to the crew quarters. He didn't want to be caught alone by anyone else, knowing that it would only serve as further upset, so it was with great relief that he was able to make it to the hatch to Dean's room without meeting anyone. He knew that the other man was already in there. He didn't even need to feel because he could hear the shower running.

He hopped down the ladder and stood at the bottom of it, not making a move to go any further into the room. He stood there for another five minutes without moving when the shower finally turned off and the door to the bathroom opened up, letting out an incredible amount of steam.

He let himself think fondly on how much Dean enjoyed those hot showers. It was one of the very few creature comforts that the Captain would allow himself, and Cas liked how no matter what, Dean always came out of those kinds of showers with a content smile and relaxed shoulders.

Of course the smile fell as soon as Dean caught sight of him out of the corner of his eye and the relaxed shoulders immediately tensed up, "Jeez, Cas. You scared the shit out of me, man. What are you doing standing over there?"

Castiel shrank in on himself, "I apologize. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to stay with you tonight, I can go back to my brothers if you—"

"No, I didn't mean…Yes, yes I want you to stay…if you want to stay that is. I was just wondering why you were all the way over there."

Castiel relaxed marginally, "Oh. I just, uh, was waiting for you."

Finally a soft smile moved back onto Dean's handsome face, "Well, I'm here now and my bed is your bed, you're able to sit on it whenever you like. Mi casa…and something like that."

This was more awkward than Castiel could ever remember, and that was something because he had a very extensive record of awkward conversations. Gabriel used to tell him that he had a very special talent for manufacturing those uncomfortable silences. But even as his hands started to get clammy, he moved over to the bed and sat down as Dean got dressed. Normally he liked to watch, but tonight he couldn't bring his gaze off of the floor.

Dean of course took notice of the sullen attitude and once he was clothed, he sat down heavily next to the other man so that their shoulders were touching, "Talk to me," he ordered gently.

Cas shook his head and didn't look up, "I'm fine."

"Cas. Talk to me."

"No."

"Cas…"

"Dean, I said no," he said a little harsher than he meant to, but he didn't take it back. He felt Dean's shoulder sag wearily against his own and then felt the bed shift when Dean turned and tucked a finger under Cas' chin to make their eyes meet.

"Cas. I need you to tell me what's going on so I can help you."

"I don't want to need help anymore, Dean. I'm not a child, I don't want you to think of me as a child," he bit out sharply.

Dean snorted, "I don't think of you as a child, Cas."

"No. You think of me as a helpless infant that needs to be babysat. Nothing more than…a baby in a trenchcoat."

Dean winced, "You heard that, huh?" he made sure that he met Cas' eyes again, "Well someone as capable as you should know that I was talking out of my ass when I said that. I was worried. I was angry and I wasn't really paying attention to what I said."

"You were angry at me." A statement, not a question.

"No! I was angry at myself. I promised you, your brothers, and myself that I would look out for you and then that happened and…"

"But it wasn't your fault. I was the one who broke the vase, shattered the window and made everyone cold and sad," Cas cried out, and Dean could feel Cas' guilt hit him like a bitch slap to the face.

This time he cupped Cas' face with both of his hands, and the smaller man could feel the warmth spread through those strong fingers to the rest of his body.

"You listen to me, Cas. None of this is anyone's fault except for the Host's. What's happening to you is out of your control, and fuck it, it's out of my control too. We just have to accept that and adapt. You don't have to feel guilty about anything."

His words were like a balm to his heart, but he still felt remorse. No matter what he could not heal the pain that he had caused around the ship. He couldn't take away the worry, the darkness, the fear. Dean may be right. It might not have been his fault, but he would still feel just as guilty that for all of his ability and knowledge, he couldn't fix it.

"Cas? You know I'm here for you, right? You're not alone in this."

And that opened up the barriers that Castiel had so painstakingly put in place these last few weeks, and all the sorrow and pain that he and the crew had been hiding came rushing out in a flood of emotion that quickly became sobs of remorse and tears of helplessness.

He threw himself into Dean's lap and buried his face into Dean's neck where he cried out the emotions of each and every soul on the Impala. There were so many people in pain that just kept it all pent up inside, but Castiel could still feel it all and it built up and up. Now it was all pouring out of him in steady waves that sent tremors through his whole body and all Dean could do was hold him until the storm finally passed.

Dean had begun to rock them back and forth as he listened to the cries and whispered words form Castiel. He felt as Cas pulled back a fraction from his neck and started to place frantic kisses all along the exposed skin above his shirt, that quickly started to move up to the side of his face. Short desperate kisses that left behind the wetness of his tears as he continued to kiss at every inch of skin.

But it was what Cas kept saying in a mantra in between each one that made his heart clench.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Again and again. A hundred times in between the kisses and choked sobs and Dean couldn't think of anything to say. He just held tighter and continued to rock them until finally they both collapsed, wrought out of emotion and energy to stay awake in this world for a moment longer.

I'm going to go sit in a corner now...