The Homestuck fandom has been really quiet these past few months. Makes it hard to get those vibes going again. I've been pretty much hiding out in the Hetalian base meantime. Dude, you don't know what a ship tastes like till you've tasted RussiaXAmerica. It's…delicious. owo

But Lord Hussie has reemerged from his shell, and so have I! Here to instill Host Glub feels once more! Miss me? ;D

~*O*~

"C'mon, Vantas, you have to be done changin' by now."

"Yeah, Karkles, open up."

"Come on, Karkitty, we're waiting for mew!"

I fiddled with the embellished gray tie one last time, figuring I had stalled long enough. I yanked the curtain aside, glaring at the floor. Silence met my reentrance; heat rose under my brand new, expensive collar.

"I still don't see the fucking point of this," I grumbled, pining for the protective barrier of my glasses. Everything looked different underneath my contacts; sharper, somehow. Brighter. "Really, I'm not a doll for you to fucking dress up…"

"Are you kiddin' me? Vantas, you…you look…"

Nepeta shrieked with joy. "Karkitty, you look incredible!"

The entire room voiced their agreement ("If we had known you looked like that under those awful glasses, Vantas," said Dirk, followed by Dave, "we'd helped you out a lot sooner.") and they backed me in to the wall, swarming around me, angling for a better view ("Who knows?" murmured Kanaya. "Maybe he can draw in some customers?").

I threw my hands up in front of my chest, my voice panicky and high pitched. "Whoa, whoa, w—wait a minute, you guys, I—"

Eridan, who was the closet to me, grasped my face in his hands, silencing me. A secret smile curved his lips. "Y'know, Kan, that's just what I was thinkin'."

Bullcrap it was, I sneered, struggling in his vice-like grip.

Eridan sailed over my bafflement. "That's right, you heard me! You, my friend, have shown all the indicators a becomin' a full time host!"

I finally shook off his steel grip and stumbled further into the room. The high bloods stood attentively; I wondered when one of them would deliver the punch line of this sure to be joke.

"Me? A…a host?" I cleared my throat. "T-That's… I—I don't think my…I have to study—the exchange program won't let my GPA slip past a—"

"The Host Club operates during school for only a few hours," Kanaya interrupted. "Before and after, that time is yours. It's certainly less demanding than being our guppy fish; you would've been expected to be an our beck and call 34/7."

Beset with the image of Dad answering the phone at three in the morning because Eridan couldn't find his pants, I shook my head in exasperation. "This is fucking insane."

"So it's settled!" Eridan clapped his hands, voice ringing with absolution. "Startin' today, Vantas, you are an official member of the Host Glub!" The delight in his voice was so palpable it was more or less a separate entity. "I will personally take you on as my protégé. If you can manage to rustle up 100 customers, we'll completely forget about your eight million boonbond debt to us."

My ears perked in interest. Eridan's grinned widened, aware of the affect his words were having. No more debt, huh?

Every eye trained to me, the anticipation thick in the air. I swallowed.

"Only 100 customers?"

There were at least five hundred girls today.

Eridan nodded.

"And you'll completely forget my debt?" Because if you don't…

Kanaya smiled.

A moment passed, and I fiddled with the cuffs of my suit. It's only been a day, and they've already given me a brand new uniform. For free! And it's temporary, after all…

Decision made, I bit my lip and nodded.

"Okay. I'm in."

~*O*~

Karkat is also now open for business!

~*O*~

"So, Karkat, what do you do in your spare time? Do you have any hobbies?"

"Tell me, what kind of products do you use for your hair?"

"Yes! It looks so soft and clean!"

I am so out.

The three trolls surrounding my table smiled in a friendly and open way, oblivious to my spastic smile and twitching face muscles. My mind drew a complete blank. Those assholes made this look so easy!

What the fuck am I supposed to say?!

"So why did you join the Host Club, Karkat?"

"Uhh…"

The trolls giggled with delight and enthusiasm, leaning in closer so as to better hear my story. A nervous, sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach as I tried to not blurt out something stupid and asinine (an accomplishment on my part).

All I have to do is draw in 100 customers, and the debt is repaid in full. Stop making this so difficult for yourself, you fuck weasel!

An idea hit me. As if splash of ice water ran down my neck, I straightened up, my thoughts clear and determined.

I know just the story.

Across the room, Eridan Ampora peeked over the edge of the couch, trying to get a better view of his latest addition to the Club. Like a loyal knight, he awaited the chance to go and rescue his little guppy fish. The poor bastard looked miserable, obviously not used to being the center of attention.

Don't worry, Karkitty. Daddy's here for ya.

Eridan smirked.

An expression of icy shock crossed over Vantas' face, though it quickly faded into one of steely determination, then of pained resignation. Before Eridan could question the strange occurrence, Karkat had launched into his life story.

Eridan's jaw went slack.

"I see."

The three trolls' faces were solemn, even regretful, as they regarded the somber gaze of their Host. Karkat had retreated into silence, expression distant and sad.

"Your mother was a legislacerator for His Tyranny," the other troll continued when Karkat couldn't, "before a riot broke out during court ten years ago and she was killed."

"I remember those riots," whimpered the indigo blood, her eyes watery. "I was just a teensy grub at the time, but I remember. Oh, how can people be so savage…?"

"You must've been so young. Who did the cooking and cleaning?"

"Oh, um, I did them myself," said Karkat. "Mom was a wild cook, and she would let me help out in the kitchen sometimes. It was a lot of fun, especially when the recipes turned out all right." Karkat's eyes grew distant again, lost in memories. "It wasn't an easy childhood. Life in the city was hard, and Dad could never land a job because of his status, so we often didn't have money for food. But, somehow…"

At this, Karkat smiled, unaware of the spell bounded expressions casted his way. "I dunno, I guess I turned out okay."

Though the trolls appeared somber and remorseful, each of the girls were squealing inside, wanting to reach out and groom the troll as if he were stray puppy. "Um, Karkat? If it's alright with you…could you perhaps sit with us tomorrow?"

"Oh, yes!"

"You've been so kind, Karkat, we'd love to sit with you!"

Karkat's eyes widened. "I-I would really appreciate that, ladies!" he stuttered, flabbergasted; but as the girls chattered excitedly amongst themselves, a tiny, devilish smirk flickered across his features.

Hook, line, motherfucking sinker.

Eridan was, for lack of a better term, dumbfounded.

"That little minx," he murmured, still processing the episode in his mind. "How is he so popular?"

Kanaya, having also watched the entire exchange, retorted sagely, "Why, he's a natural."

"No training needed," the Strider twins added from their spot near the couch. Karkat continued chatting with his customers, completely at ease and unaware of the many eyes trained to him. No trainin' needed, Eridan mulled. So much for rescuing his little kitty-cat like the knight in shining armor he was. His lower lip jutted at the thought.

"Eridan, have you forgotten about me already?"

Eridan straightened up, forcing thoughts of the recruit out of his mind. "Oh no, Ath, don't be so cruel. I was just concerned about our newest Host, is all."

The girl was smiling, but she looked far from happy, a notion that struck him as odd. "Well, that much is obvious, Eridan." She glanced at him through the lashes of her eyes. "You sure have been keeping a close eye on him, though."

"Of course, I have to, Ath," he replied, oblivious to the suspicious glint in her purple eyes. "I'm trainin' him to be a gentleman, like me." A brilliant idea struck him, and Eridan snapped his fingers, garnering attention of the boy in question. "Karkat, come here for a minute," he stated, beckoning the troll forth.

Confusion palpable, I bid my customers farewell and sauntered over to the couch, wondering what the sea dweller wanted from me this time. "You rang?"

Eridan smiled, his hands folded in his lap. "Karkat, I'd like to you meet someone." He held his hand out to the purple blooded troll that sat next to him. "This is my regular guest, Empress Athina Rossetti Blaine. She's a good friend of mine." My eyes widened in surprise, recognizing the cold stare of the girl from earlier. Eridan was unaware to the tension, waiting to see how Karkat would react to the introduction of such an esteemed customer.

Keep your head on, Vantas. She's just another customer. Just smile and nod.

Incling my head somewhat, I smiled politely and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Madam."

Eridan went still, his eyes calculating and cold. Before I could react, I found myself buried in the sea dweller's purple vest. "That was so cute!" Eridan squealed in my ear, joyfulness radiating off his person. My screams were muffled in his uniform as I tried breaking away from the maniac. "Your bashfulness was so good. Super good! AMAZINGLY GOOD!"

"E-Eridan…?" murmured Athina, quite perturbed by the display of affection.

Finally breaking away, I sucked in a deep gulp of air, my face having turned a dull shade of blue. The insane sea dweller still had a steel grip around my waist, however, shouting in my ear ("YOU'RE SO CUTE!"). Out of options, my eyes scanned the room before landing on the muscle-beast obsessed idiot with broken glasses. I had no choice.

"EQUIUS!" I screamed, kicking and thrashing in the grip of the sea dweller. I was aware of his hot breath on my neck, and a furious blush bloomed on my face. "EQUIUS, GET THIS VIOLET PSYCHOPATH OFF OF ME!"

Equius was still, and for one horrible moment I thought I'd been left for dead, but without warning, a severe look crossed the blue-blood's face. A moment later, I had been ripped away from Eridan's grasped and held high off the ground, Equius' large hands fastened under my armpits.

The room went quiet, shock rippling over every face.

The fourth light bulb had come to life

The blush crept up my neck and around my ears as Equius scrutinized me. Underneath his broken glasses I could see his blue eyes flickering between my uniform and my face. A decision reached, he relaxed, though his grip was as firm as ever, much to Eridan's distress.

"Now, E—Equius, be gentle, you don't want to break our recruit in half," he murmured, color returning to his face.

I gazed imploringly at Equius, begging him to not put me down.

"Come on my little paw," Eridan cooed, holding his hands out eagerly, "let daddy give you a big hug!"

"I've already got a crazy fuck nugget for a dad, I don't need another one."

Eridan's face softened as he tried to pry the engaged troll from his overzealous colleague's grasp, unaware of the chilling expression adoring the regal face of Athina Blaine. Even les swas he aware of the malicious gaze she sent the commoner, her mouth twisting with ill-concealed spite.

This won't do.

This won't do at all.

~*O*~

The afternoon bell chimed, signaling the end of the school day. A few of the students whooped unenthusiastically as they collected their bags, all but ignoring the teacher as he droned all of the homework assignments one last time. I was the only one who remained seated, scribbling sloppy reminders on my hand with a black sharpie marker.

Need to hit the supermarket later, we're all out of milk. If I take the bus, I can save time, but if it gets caught in traffic again…It'll be safer to walk, but I still won't get home till six at the earliest, and I won't have time do to the Alternian Research Assignment. I angrily scrubbed the note off my palm. Better start that tomorrow, the Algebra and History papers can't wait. Gonna be another long night, but can't stay up too late because there's that Cherub Psychology test tomorrow morning and FUCK I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT—

A light smack on my shoulder awoke me from my anxiety-ridden doze.

"Dude, you alright?"

"You look like you're going to have a heart attack."

Dirk and Dave Strider were gazing down at me with identical expressions of mirth and mild concern, their bags slung carelessly over their shoulders. I shook myself, trying to discreetly hide my vandalized hand.

"It's none of your fucking business," I mumbled, though it lacked heart. The twins seemed to notice this, as Dirk (I was almost sure it was Dirk) clapped a firm hand on my shoulder.

"Well, you take it easy, alright?"

"Yeah," Dave (yes, that was most definitely Dave) remarked, "don't push yourself so hard."

"See you later, candy corn."

I refrained from comment as the twins collected themselves and headed out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. A few moments of silence passed as I struggled with my vague feelings. Sighing, suddenly feeling old, I rose from my chair and groped around for my backpack, surprised to find nothing but air.

My bag was gone.

Panic struck me, and searched the expanse of the room, looking under every desk and chair. That bag carried my wallet and all of my textbooks and homework assignments; if I lost it now or if it had been stolen, I would be so unbelievably screwed.

Just my fucking luck, I snarled, overturning one of the desk drawers.

Something caught my eye. Wondering if my luck could possibly be any more rotten, I wandered over to the gaping window, my eyes landing on the decorative fountain that rested in the courtyard. Truly a magnificent piece of art, but what caught my interest were the contents floating in the pond.

I must've left the stupid thing back in the fucking music room and must not've realize it. After all, it would be too easy for someone to pick it up and toss it out the window, as if it was rubbish. The thought bothered me more than it should have, and as I ran out of the empty classroom and rushed down the hallway, a definite frown creased my forehead.

"Oh. It's you."

So lost in my thoughts, I was unaware when I ran past the too still figure of Athina Blaine, her face shrouded in afternoon shadows. How something as simple as words could be filled with such malice was beyond me, and I found myself halting in my tracks, frozen to the spot. The girl smiled coldly, not once looking my way.

"You must really enjoy Eridan fawning over you like that," she continued, her eyes trained to the window, "but you must know how stupid you look to the rest of us. After all," and her smile grew ugly "you'll always just be the scum of the hemospectrum. Never forget that."

And then she just walked away, soon disappearing behind a corner, her footsteps fading in the distance. My thoughts went reeling, processing her words. A beat passed, before I continued down the long hallway, ignoring the way my body trembled.

A half an hour later, I found myself ankle-deep in the reflection pond, sweat dripping down my forehead as I struggled to locate my missing wallet. The other rescued contents lay sprawled to the side of the pool, alongside my shoes and shocks, air-drying and exposed for all to see.

You must really enjoy Eridan fawning over you…

—scum of the hemospectrum.

Never forget that.

Perhaps it was wishful thinking. Kanaya had said the gray uniform helped the customers "forget where exactly I stood amongst them." But apparently some people haven't forgotten.

And neither will I, for that matter.

These bucketspewers will never change.

I forced the thoughts out of my mind, focusing on recovering my wallet. If I didn't find it, Dad and I would be completely without food for the rest of the week. Expression grim, I redoubled my efforts, arms achy and weak, legs trembling.

"Hey, lowblood."

At the sound of the voice, I straightened up in shock, almost falling back over in to the pond. Eridan stood at the edge of the pool, his mouth taunt. Damn bastard snuck up on me! "You realize that swimmin' in the fountain is against protocol, right?"

I tried to scrounge up some excuse for my compromising position. Too late, Eridan noticed my soaked bag, his violet eyes widening. "Your bag…why is it all wet?"

"L—look, don't worry about it. I've got it, alright?" I snapped defensively, returning to the rippling pond. "I'm just going to fucking starve if I don't find my fucking wallet is all…"

Silence.

Figuring the sea dwelling rat had scurried off and left me be, the sound of rustling clothe, then the gentle splash of water took me by surprise. Taken aback, I looked up in time to see Eridan stepping into the pond with, his pants and sleeves rolled up to keep them dry. His cape had been discarded on the ground next to my bag.

"H—hey, you don't have to do that," I said, voice quavering with shock as he began searching the shallow depths of the pond.

"Don't be ridiculous." He had removed his glasses and tucked them into his breast pocket, his violet eyes sharp. "A little water never hurt anybody right? Besides," he moved through some of the algae and lily pads, his expression alert, "people are always sayin' I'm drippin' with good looks."

He smirked at his own little joke, completely unaware as I stood there, staring at him like some slack-jawed fool. The sea dweller made a sound in the back of his throat ("Aha"), and straightened up, my drenched wallet in his hand. "Is this what you were lookin' for?" he offered, winking ever so slightly.

—won't forget where I stood among the others—

—scum of the hemospectrum—

"What's the matter? You're starin' off into space. Hey," a goofy smirk crossed Eridan's face and he waggled the wallet under my nose, "you're not fallin' for me are you?"

"D—don't be ridiculous!" I spat, snatching the wallet out of his palm. Eridan chuckled, before growing quiet again, his brow creased.

"Why was your bag in the pond, though?"

"Um…"

The fishy prince wouldn't like hearing that his girlfriend was a crazy psycho bitch, so I kept mum on the subject. "I wanted to see how far I could toss it out the window. The rose bushes were my target, though." Eridan's eyes narrowed further. He looked so different without his glasses and that stupid cape. Smaller, somehow. "What do you think, fish breath? It's none of your damned business!"

Rather than become offended, or even angry, he laughed again. "You're quite the character, Vantas. Don't change for anythin', alright? Life would get boring without you."

Shocked into silence, heat crept under my collar as Eridan moved closer, nimble fingers reaching for my tie. "Jeez, Vantas. Haven't you ever tied a tie before? You looked like you tried to strangle it…"

Jaw flapping uselessly, I coughed when he glanced up from his work. "Umm, n-no, not really. Dad always dressed me like a fucking girl when I was a kid, sooo…"

Much to my embarassment, Eridan chuckled. "I'd really like to meet your dad. He sounds like a great man."

"He's a fucking idiot, is what he is."

Eridan was silent to my retort as he redid the tie, fastening it around my neck. "There we go. Picture perfect." He smoothed down the vest of my uniform. The heat crept further up my neck. "Gray is a good color on you, you know? Adds a bit of mystique." He grasped my chin and tilted my head up, his lips pursed. "Not too crazy about the contacts, though…"

For one crazy, stupid, brainless, completely fucking asinine moment, I thought he would lean in closer, he was so fucking close already, before he suddenly smoothed down my hair and laughed. "Look at us, splashin' in the pool like a couple of misbehavin' grubs. Pretty shoddy of two esteemed classmen, eh?"

In a sudden bout of claustrophobia, I took a mighty step back, clearing my throat.

"Y-yeah…"

We stepped out of the pond, both of us collecting our belongings, Eridan's cape tucked under his arm and glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. "I'll show you how to properly don a tie, sometime. It's one of the first things you have to know if you want to be a gentleman."

"Right…"

Under the pretense of tying my shoelaces, I remained seated at the edge of the fountain, watching as Eridan grew smaller and smaller down the pathway. The wallet was secured deep within my pocket, wet bag slung over my shoulder. Only when I was positive the sea dweller was out of sight, I rose from my seat and walked in the other direction.

—how stupid you look—

Life would get boring without you.

—scum of the hemospectrum.

Don't ever change.

I snorted, unable to deny the stubborn smile that curved of my mouth.

"Fucking idiot..."

~*O*~

EDITED—THE FUCK—OUT OF THIS CHAPTER! D:

—

*Athina Blaine is an original character I invented a while back. Not sure where I got the Rossetti, though; guess it just felt like it needed more syllables. Originally I had this mega story planned for her and two other of my friends' characters. When I was fishing up cast members for Host Glub, my friend recommended I use her, since dearest 'Ath' was kind of a cold-blooded bitch, and because she was going to be Eridan's initial love interest in saidticular story.

Oh yeah, I went there.

—

Welp, there's my two cents of the day. Have I imbued any of you with the delightful feels of EriKar yet? No? …maybe I'm trying too hard.

Either way, I'm really proud of this chapter! I think it's the best one thus far! It's my favorite, at least. Redglare as Karkitty's Mom, can you imagine? And we all know who would play the part of Haruhi's transvestite of a dad~ *gigglegigglesnickersnort*

I envision one more chapter left for this tale, plenty of more room to disappoint you guys! See you then, and may Lord Hussie be with you! ;D

~DM-sama