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Chapter 3: Insights

Edward

I have no idea what I'm doing. Why can't I be 'normal'? I tried to apologize but she seems hell bent on hating me. I need to find some way of getting on her good side. It's bad enough that everyone else at school hates me. Why does the newest person, someone who's been here for less than three weeks, hate me too?

I hiked through the woods near my home, on my way to town. I took the short cut that Emmett, Jasper and I had found a few years ago. It took me in a straight line to town through the forest. It could be creepy if I thought about it at all, but I was to intent on my destination.

I had to know what she was doing.

It was dark and cold, but I didn't notice either. I knew my path and I knew where I wanted to go. Before long I was there.

Standing in the backyard of the town's sheriff looking up into her window.

It's a good thing there were no close neighbors, only forest behind their house.

Bella crossed the window at that moment and my breath caught. She pulled open the curtain and opened the window. She had her hair down and it blew in her face as the fresh air rushed into her room. She was stunning!

Not expecting to actually see her this late since it was midnight already, I turned around quickly and walked out of the yard.

I didn't want to be a pervert.

She was fascinating to watch though.

I stood just outside of the yard and looked up. I could see the curtains blowing in the breeze and hear music playing. It sounded like classical music. I couldn't be sure since it was so far away and to quiet to hear.

I figured I would wait until she turned out her lights then I would go back home. I waited and watched. She never came back to the window; I guess she likes to sleep with fresh air.

As the time passed, I considered my options. I had the weekend to hope she would forget about being upset over the scratch. I couldn't believe Emmett did that! He just walked up to her truck and keyed it! Lightly, but still enough to damage the paint. He told me to say that I did it on accident and to have her bring it to the house so he and Rosalie could fix it. He didn't understand why I was upset, thinking it was the perfect plan to get her to come over. I wanted her to be my friend, not hate me for ruining a perfectly good paint job!

Emmett thought it was perfect.

I thought he was insane.

But why was I so focused on her liking me? It made no sense. I was content with my family. I was going off to college next year and I would be satisfied there too. There had to be reason for the attraction. Everything had a reason for being; I just needed to find it.

I started a mental list for a process of elimination.

She was smart, proven by being in advanced classes.

She was outspoken, proven by her outburst when I tried to apologize to her… Twice.

She had a temper, proven by her quite rage over the scratch.

She was beautiful, proven by her male followers.

She was … everything I was not.

I could say that about almost anyone, but she was the only one that mattered. She could speak her mind and her mind was fascinating to me. I don't think she could not say something, even if it was hurtful. Could it be possible that she is just a rare, honest person? Someone who didn't know how to tell a lie?

I looked up again. It was after one in the morning and her light was still on. The music was still going, but there was no movement. I decided I had to see her. I walked back into the yard and examined the tree that was right outside of her window. I could easily climb it.

I climbed half way up before I realized what I was doing. I could go to jail for this! And it would be her father that locked me up! I seemed to lose all sense of responsibility when it came to Bella Swan because I continued to climb.

When I reached the window I called out quietly, "Bella? Bella, can I talk to you?" There was no reply. No movement whatsoever to indicate she even heard me. I moved closer, my head almost in the window now. "Bella?" I heard a soft snore.

She was asleep.

I took less then a breath before I deciding to look inside. I pulled the curtain out of the way and looked.

She was curled up on her bed, wearing grey sweatpants and an old worn white t-shirt. Her coffee brown hair was flared out over her white pillow. The contrast was simply amazing. It looked like a halo around her. She looked so peaceful and calm in this moment, I wanted to remember it forever. I turned to leave when something caught my eye. She had stacks of medical books on the floor.

Why would she have medical books?

I wanted to take a closer look but I knew that would be a really bad idea. I would just have to wait until Monday to talk to her. I left her then vowing to not come back and be the pervert I felt like.

When I got home it was almost three in the morning. I went straight to my room on the third floor and closed the door. I opened up my drawing pad and started sketching. I wasn't very good, but since I couldn't play the guitar this late, it was my only escape from my mind.

After I drew Bella, with her hair and pillow acting as her halo for her angelic face, I changed and went to bed dreaming of her.

I slept until Esme knocked on my door at noon, wondering if I was sick. I opened the door for her and told her I was fine.

"Edward, I know you were out late last night. Is everything alright?" she asked, concern showing in her green eyes.

"I'm fine Mom, just had a lot to think about." I wanted to talk about my obsession with Bella, but I was afraid she would think I was a pervert. Every mother's nightmare I'm sure.

"I don't suppose you want to talk to me about it? Maybe Emmett or your dad? You know we won't judge you, honey. We can help," she said almost pleading with me. She wanted the best for me, and wanted to protect me from the world, but I had to deal with this on my own.

I didn't need to share all of my obsessive tendencies with the family.

"I'll be fine Mom, really. I'll be down in a bit for lunch," I said as I started to close the door with a smile.

"Edward, there's someone here to see you. She said something about getting her truck fixed?" Esme said hesitantly.

"OH! I'll be down in a few minutes, let me wash up first," I said, starting to panic. It had to be Bella. Why is she here? I thought she was going to send me the bill? I thought she was going to Jacob Black's garage to get the paint matched.

I closed the door and half ran to my bathroom where I jumped in the shower while it was still cold and washed as fast as I could get my hands to move. I jumped out and brushed my teeth and ran my fingers through my hair. I never took more time than that on my hair, it just did what it did.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt, pulled on my socks and black hiking boots. For once, I didn't stand in front of the mirror and check myself half a dozen times to make sure everything was on. For once, my compulsive ways didn't interfere with my wanting something. I just ran out of my room, to anxious to see her.

Bella

I had no idea why I was here. I could just go to the local garage and send him the bill for the paint job, knowing that he could pay any amount that Jacob Black decided to charge. He was notorious for over-charging. Pulling up to the house, I knew any amount Jacob would have charged me would be pocket change for the Cullen's.

Their house was a three-story mansion, with glass walls on the first floor. It was absolutely amazing! The landscaping was immaculate and absolutely gorgeous with its simplicity. The grass was perfectly cut into a checkerboard pattern, the driveway went in a circular design into the back of the house, and the front door was a simple glass door that just invited everyone in.

It was like there were no secrets once you walked through those doors.

I parked in front of the house, thinking my truck was so out of place here. I looked around wondering if I should just leave, but I'm sure they heard me coming from the highway a mile away. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

I made it to the front door without falling on my face and hesitated. Should I knock on the door or ring the bell? I am so over thinking this! I rang the doorbell. Almost immediately I saw a man that looked like he should be in a GQ spread come to the door. His blonde hair was combed back, not a strand out of place, his ice blue eyes looked comforting and friendly instead of creepy, like most people with his coloring, and his demeanor was instantly one of welcome.

He smiled as he opened the door. "Hi, you must be Bella. I'm Carlisle, Edward's dad. Come on in." He stood aside to let me in… I felt like an idiot for being here, but he was just so, happy, how could I not go in?

"How do you know my name?" I asked like an idiot. I'm sure everyone knew about the new girl in town, I'm sure everyone knew everyone else in town for that matter.

"Everyone knows you," he laughed. "Don't worry, we all just like seeing Charlie glowing as he has been for the past month," he said as the horror surely showed on my face.

"I came to see Edward, is he here?" I asked quietly.

Why did I come?!

I should leave!

Run now while you still can!

"Yes, but he's still upstairs. Esme went to get him. He might be awhile since he has a routine that he absolutely sticks to. So why don't you go on in, Emmett and Jasper are playing chess. They cheat in so many different ways, it's hilarious to watch!" said Carlisle with a warm smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," I said, wondering what "routine" Edward had to stick to before coming down.

"Carlisle, please."

"Carlisle," I smiled as I walked in. He showed me to the living room, which was huge! I passed a mahogany staircase with white carpet. The living room had plush white carpeting too, with a brown leather sofa, brown leather recliner and a plush green beanbag in the middle of the room! It looked oddly right being there, even if it was completely out of place with the rest of the house.

"Hey! If it isn't Charlie's angel!" exclaimed Emmett before erupting in laughter. Jasper joined in his laughter as if it were contagious.

"Cute, I haven't heard that one before," I said sarcastically, but I smiled anyway, it was cute.

I sat down on the beanbag since it looked comfortable and watched as they played chess, ready for a long wait as Dr. Cullen had suggested it would be. I laughed at what I thought were blatant attempts at cheating, but it turned out that they had their own rules, and each game was different. It boggled the mind to watch it.

Just as the game was getting down to the last few pieces, Edward came running downstairs. It only took about a half hour.

"Hey! If it isn't Sleeping Beauty!" exclaimed Emmett, erupting in laughter again. I started to laugh with him, but I noticed the atmosphere in the room changed. Emmett and Jasper both looked at a wall clock behind Jasper, Dr. Cullen stood off to the side of the room, while Edward mumbled something like "shut up" to Emmett.

Dr. Cullen shook his head slightly in Emmett's direction before ushering Edward into what I could only guess to be the kitchen.

As soon as Edward was out of sight, Jasper whispered, "that was quick. Was he really asleep?"

Emmett shrugged and looked at me. "Maybe Charlie's angel made him speed up the process," he smirked. I shuddered slightly; I hope they weren't talking about what I think they were talking about!

Gross!

At that moment, I heard Edward say a little to loudly, "Stop! Will you leave me alone?" He then stormed into the living room, running his hands through his hair. He seemed to be talking to himself under his breath.

"Hi Bella, what are you doing here?" he asked obviously disturbed, but I couldn't figure out why.

"You offered to fix my scratch, remember? I thought I would save you the outrageous bill you would get from Jacob's." I heard Emmett try to hide his laugh as a cough; it didn't work. I glared at him, "What?" I demanded.

"Nothing, nothing! It's just hard to believe my brother had it in him," no longer trying to contain his merriment. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he laughed. Quiet Jasper had a smile and was shaking his head. Edward was beet red and mumbling to himself again. I was the only one not in on the joke.

"Well, if inside jokes are how you treat your guests, then I should go. I don't appreciate being the butt of a joke that I understand." With that I got up to leave.

Just then Dr. Cullen walked in. "Gentlemen! Do we act so poorly in front of guests?" he questioned them. It was a silent authority he held over them because they immediately stopped laughing and glaring at each other.

"Sorry Bella. That was rude of me. The joke is on Edward, not you. If you get to know him, you will understand that scratching your truck is not something my brother is capable of doing." Emmett then turned to Edward, "Sorry man!"

"Bella, would you like to go outside?" asked Edward quietly. I nodded and followed him out the back door. We stopped under a large tree when he turned to me.

"I'm sorry about that Bella. I will ask Emmett to fix the scratch but I thought you would be more comfortable out here, away from them. Please excuse me for a moment." He turned and walked back inside.

The yard had no fences. The only thing separating the yard from the forest was a creek that ran along their property. The yard was riddled with trees, like it was part of the forest. Absolutely peaceful.

Edward came back outside fidgeting with his t-shirt and running his hands through his hair. He looked really uncomfortable.

"He said he could have it looking like new in an hour. Would you like to go for a walk while you wait?" I nodded.

"Are you ok Edward? I know I should have called first, but I had just left Jacob's when I decided to come here. He really is nuts trying to charge what he does!" I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, that's part of the reason why Emmett likes working on our cars. He figures he can get loyal customers who are willing to pay reasonable prices." He was still fidgeting, and walking almost sideways, watching me. He was making me nervous.

"Edward. Are you ok?" I stopped walking and faced him.

"Yes. No. Yes. I don't know." Edward looked really uncomfortable. He took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. His green eyes no longer held the darkness that I saw on our first meeting. He looked scared, almost like a frightened child. "I don't get many visitors."

"That's ok, I don't usually visit anybody," I laughed. "I'm not the easiest person to be around. I don't have much of a filter between the brain and mouth so I don't get invited to very many places either. I don't mind though, I'm not the social butterfly that my mother wants me to be. It's part of the reason why I'm here with Charlie now." Why was I telling him this? I couldn't seem to stop talking. "My mom married Phil earlier this year and wanted to drag me around with her to all of his 'stately' functions. Phil's the local DA in Phoenix." I really needed to stop talking. I shook my head and decided to get him to talk. "So, what's your deal? Why are you so anti-social?"

"I, uh… I have some personal issues that make me unpleasant to be around at times." He looked at me with those green eyes again. "I have OCD and Paranoia. It usually takes me about an hour before I can leave my bedroom every morning. I have a strict routine that I have to follow. I have no control over it."

"And the Paranoia? Is it delusional or Paranoid Personality Disorder?" I asked quietly. I was completely taken off guard by his honesty.

He looked surprised. "PPD. How do you know about it?"

"I'm studying different types of mental illness. I want to specialize in it, so I started early. I am taking most of my college prerequisites already so I can get a head start on it. The mind fascinates me."

"Oh. So are you using me as your personal guinea pig then?" he asked bitterly.

"No. I had no idea you had PPD or OCD. I was told you were anti-social, but I never saw the signs of either one. You seem to only be with your family, but that could be because it's harder to make friends with people who don't understand your higher IQ. I didn't even associate you with having a mental illness. You hide it well," I smiled at him hoping to put him as ease. I now understood his rotten behavior, but I didn't understand why he didn't have the usual symptoms.

"Thanks," he said dryly. We continued to walk around catching a glimpse at the almost fabled sun.

Again, I felt the need to talk. To tell him things that I never, ever speak of.

"I had a sister that suffered from schizophrenia. Since the day she was diagnosed two years ago, I started studying it. I had to know what was causing it, what helped, what didn't, what could I do to make it easier for her. She eventually decided that her ex boyfriend was out to get her and that no one could protect her. The problem was, she had no ex boyfriend. She never dated anyone. She was in her college dorm when they found her. She had slit her wrists the night before." I had no idea why I was telling him all of this. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't face the looks of sympathy from other people but it would be a hundred times worse coming from him. He understood.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know how hard it is to live with PPD, but I also understand that there are things out there to help me. Your sister sounded like she didn't trust herself or her family enough to help her. My family has no secrets. It's how I am able to trust them so completely. It's the only way I can survive in a house full of people who are all happy and love life. Jasper and Rosalie grew up with us, so I am able to trust them as much as I trust my other siblings. They are just an extension of them. There are no secrets in a house made of glass."

I looked into his green eyes and nodded.

He understood.