iWon't Listen

Chapter 2: Last and Certainly Least

The silence is shattered in to a million fragile pieces as the shrill whistle blows.

I wince and cover my ears with both hands as the whistle's sharp and piercing sound fills the football field once more. It's so loud, so horrible that I think I can actually feel it's ringing in my bones, its eagle-like cries seeping in to my skin. Oh, how I wish my bones were as light as a bird, so hollow and slim. But I'm strong enough to withstand a silly piece of metal. I've experienced worse in my fifteen years. I can handle anything.

The flashback starts then, there's no way to stop it. There never is. Once it begins I'm forced to wait until it ends… ends like it did when I was actually there. It's all so clear. A stupid birthday party ended in disaster… almost exposed my secret. So amazingly vivid it was like it was seared onto my brain forever with something white-hot, like I was branded with the memories like cattle.That was two years ago.

I shiver despite the warm weather April has brought along with its rain. The air is so still, so calm this time of year. The flowers are in full bloom, bright and colorful, their petals soft and delicate. Summer is just around the corner. It's so close, it's like I can taste the sweet blackberries on my tongue, smell the smoke from the barbecues that are yet to come. Maybe I'll actually eat the tender, juicy steaks this time. Maybe I'll-

NO! Ana causes my thoughts to halt, skid to a stop before they can fully form. You're better than that, stronger than that. As usual, Ana is right. Ana is always right.

I think back to the day it had really begun. It was a week after the roller skating incident, everything had calmed down. I had managed to elude discovery, my secret had remained intact as it currently was. I had been checking out some of the Pro Ana sites and discovered Ana, short for Anorexia Nervosa. She had merely been a term, an abbreviation. But to some girls she was known as another term. Inspiration.

So by the time I had logged off, Ana was born. And soon she wasn't just in my head, she was outside of it. I pictured her standing next to me, her long golden blond waves mocking my own stick straight brown mess. She would taunt me; remind me of all I was not on her little toothpick legs. Ana helped me.

"Carls, aren't you gonna eat that sandwich?" Sam had asked on that same day as she took a huge bite of her own. I imagined her taste buds singing as they make contact with the ham and cheese on white bread. If only she knew about the carbs that were in that. I bet then she wouldn't be so smug.

I knew I was in danger so I conjured up a look of disgust that spread across my face like wildfire. The perfect excuse came to me like a psychic having a vision. "You do realize that you made these, right? You haven't washed your hands since fifth grade!" I had laughed and playfully tossed a plump green grape at her. She had snickered and dropped the subject, forgetting all about the point she had been trying to make.

"Daniels, McHenry, you're team captains. Pick your teammates." Coach Henley instructed though it was hard to understand what she was saying with that whistle clenched between her teeth.

I stepped back, knowing I wouldn't be first. I hadn't been first in anything it seemed for a while now. It wasn't that I was bad at sports, just the opposite. I wouldn't be able to get up and run in the mornings, or do crunches on my bedroom floor to the point of exhaustion in secrecy if I had no athletic ability. It was just that the teams were always chosen by the girls who looked the strongest, the toughest. Naturally, Sam was picked first.

Time flew by until it was only me and Karen from my English class. Karen? Karen looked like she wasn't capable of pulverizing an ant, so scrawny was she. How had I ended up with her? Her name was called, she abandoned me with nothing more than a sympathetic smile. I deserved it. I wasn't skin and bones like she was. I envied her, in fact. Our fans on iCarly may have commented on my weight loss, but I knew the truth. It wasn't enough.

Of course not, Carly, Ana agrees as she shakes her head disapprovingly. Of course not.