Chapter 3:

My Everything (Johnny)

I'm in love.

There's a boy who holds me when I'm scared or sad or just plain lonely. He has dreams that float around in his green-gray eyes day and night. He likes to lose himself and find himself in movies and books. He loves his brothers and his friends unconditionally. He likes sunsets and chocolate cake and the smell of grass on warm summer days. He's not quite sure who he is, but I'm sure.

I'm in love, and it's painful and wonderful all at once.

Ponyboy is the one constant person I have in my life. The other Greasers are there for me too, of course. But things with Ponyboy are different… He just understands me in a way the others don't. I can talk to him about anything and he listens. He holds me together when I feel like I'm falling apart.

I realized I love Ponyboy almost a month ago. We were out in the lot together, looking up at the stars. I wanted to die, and I told him. But then, as this beautiful boy tried his best to comfort me, I knew that I couldn't kill myself. I could never leave Ponyboy Curtis behind because I just couldn't possibly get on without him. He's not just my friend; he's my everything.

Now I watch him on the beach. He's doing cartwheels on the sand, laughing all the while. His laughter is the richest sound I've ever heard; it fills me up and makes me feel like a whole person. He looks over at me and grins. My heart feels like it's going to fall out of my chest.

"You getting a sunburn, kiddo?" Dally asks me, squinting in the sunlight. "Your face is all red."

I shrug, unable to stop myself from smiling wide.

"What's with the goofy grin?" Dally's heavy brows knit together in thought, and then he smirks knowingly. "You know, you've been acting real funny lately... You've got the hots for someone, don't you?"

The warmth drains out of my face. I glance over at Pony, but he seems to be far enough away that he didn't hear. He and Soda have been showing off their tumbling skills a little distance away from us while I've been sitting out on a towel with Dally and Cherry. Cherry looks away, pretending she didn't hear Dally, but I can tell she did.

"Let's take a little walk, Johnny," Dally says to me, grinning.

He puts his arm around my shoulder as we walk down the beach. I love when he acts like this, like he's my big brother or something.

"So who's the lucky broad?" He glances back at the others. "Is it Cherry? Everyone seems to have a hard-on for her."

I shake my head.

"Nah, it's someone else."

He nods slowly, seeming to realize I really don't want to say who it is.

"Okay. Well, whoever it is, she must be a total knockout to have caught your attention. I was beginning to think you would never get interested in girls."

He laughs so I laugh too, but in a nervous sort of way.

"So are you gonna ask her out, man?"

"I don't know… If I did, I'm not sure the answer would be yes."

"Hey, you've gotta give it a shot. What have you got to lose? And it's about time you get yourself a girl. You're gonna start feeling real hot and bothered soon if you don't find someone to take care of your, uh, needs."

"Geez, Dal," I mutter, hot embarrassment spreading through my body.

"It's true, kid. Getting into someone's pants is the best thing you can do to clear your head. But you've gotta remember to be safe, okay? When you go on a date with this girl, make sure you come prepared, if you know what I mean."

"Yes, I know what you mean," I say with exasperation. He is really making me very uncomfortable.

"And when you're ready to get in there and do your thing, don't get nervous. It'll come naturally to you as long as you don't freak."

"Okay, Dal, I get it. Thanks for the advice and all, but I'm not even thinking about… that, not right now."

"All right, buddy. I just don't want you going in blind when the time comes. I'm sure your old man didn't talk to you about this—mine sure didn't bother. But I want things to be different for you. So if you need to talk about anything, you can come to me."

There's an almost fond look in his eyes as he says this to me. Dally always has seemed to have a soft spot for me, but it's still pretty rare that I see that coldness leave his eyes.

"Thanks," I say, smiling. "I think I'll tell this person how I feel. What can it hurt, right?"

My breath catches as soon as the words leave my mouth. It could hurt a lot. It could hurt the best friendship I've ever had. But I've got to tell him. I might explode if I don't.

He smiles back and ruffles up my hair.

"Good for you, Johnnycake."

Then I say, "But you've got to tell Cherry how you feel about her."

He shakes his head and chuckles.

"Johnny, girls like that don't go for guys like me."

"You could try. She seems different from the other Socs."

"Even if she is different, she still hates me. You've seen how she's always yelling at me."

"I haven't seen her yelling at you today. You should just ask her out and see what happens. Maybe she yells at you because she likes you. I mean, you pick on her because you like her, right? So maybe it's like that."

He shrugs.

"I don't know, man. I guess I'll do it if it means you'll ask out your girl."

I smile again.

"Sounds like a deal."

He smiles too and says, "I have never seen you smile this much, kid. Keep it up."

I guess I really never have smiled this much in my life. Of course Pony has always made me happy but I've been especially giddy ever since I realized how I feel. I haven't felt dark in a long time. Death hasn't wormed its way into my head once since that bright night in the lot.

I think loving him has really saved my life.