A/N: So, I'm glad to see that you all liked the last chapter. Once again, I don't own Inheritance and all works referenced belong to their respectful owners.
Last off, we left with Eragon moaning about his bad luck. But what if there was someone as equally frustrated, far away from Carvahall? We now bring you to take a look at the day of Durza, a Shade in service of the Empire.
Today, he was going to see that elven princess that they had captured. He walked over to her cell to see something weird.
First of all, she was wearing some sort of wig. Not to mention that, the entire cell was decorated way different from how it was supposed to be. For one, the cell was supposed to be a cold, hard place with nothing in it. Now, it had green drapes all around and there were flowers on the floor.
"What is this?" Durza asked the guard on duty.
"Eh," the guard mumbled. Durza cursed under his breath, these soldiers really needed to have more respect for him. "She said she was pretending to be Sleeping Beauty and just decided to lie down over there."
Just then, Durza noticed that there was a suitcase on the floor of the cell and it was overflowing with more clothes than he thought was even possible to stuff in such a small bag.
"Who gave authorization for her to have that in there?" Durza shouted at the guard.
"Eh," he said.
Durza screamed. Normally he would have just killed people for that sort of thing, but apparently the soldiers were on some sort of pension plan and life insurance that meant that killing them would cost way too much for Galbatorix so that total cheapskate had forbidden it.
"What happened?" the elf mumbled. She got up and took off her wig before she saw Durza. "Is that Edward Cullen?"
Durza screamed again. For some reason, he was extremely pale but his hair wasn't red like a normal Shade's. The doctor's had said that it had something to do with his family genetics, but that just meant that for some weird reason he looked like that idiot vampire from those Twilight books. Initially he hadn't even known about them until his condition and everyone started pointing it out, so then he had actually read them and he could definitely say that the whole books were total crap. Like seriously, since when did vampires sparkle?
"No," Durza muttered. "I am not Edward. I am a Shade, and in case you haven't noticed, you've been kidnapped." He glared at her. "Aren't you scared?"
"Nope," Arya said. "As a matter of fact I get kidnapped every other week, so I'm sort of used to it by now. I remember that one time that I was wearing a blonde wig and a pink dress and this weird fire breathing turtle came over who called himself Bowser. That was strange."
Durza grunted. He hadn't seen something like this coming. Then there was only one thing left to do, he had to bring out the torture devices.
"Get the torture devices," the Shade hissed to the guard.
"Eh," the guard said. "We sold all of them."
"What?" Durza said. "Who gave you that sort of authorization?"
"Eh," the guard said. "We sort of formed a union around a week ago, and we decided collectively to sell all of those useless torture weapons so we could go buy Pokemon cards."
"WHAT?" Durza screamed. "What's this nonsense about a union? Who let you organize one?"
"Eh," the guard said and handed Durza a photocopy of some document. It was a whole plan for forming a union and it had his signature on it somehow. Vaguely, Durza remembered signing something like this, but that was when he was brining the elf to her prison and wasn't really paying attention. Those guards must have sprung the document when he was distracted as part of their plan, Durza realized.
"But why did you sell the torture devices?" Durza asked.
"Eh," the guard said. "We hadn't used them for like three weeks and a then the Dragon's Rage Pokemon booster pack just came out and the budget didn't allow for it so we had to sell something."
That pissed off Durza so much that he couldn't even figure out what to say for three minutes. Then, he decided to talk to the prisoner instead.
"Listen up elf," Durza said. "Tell me all about your cities and their locations, and everything you know about magic."
"No," Arya said.
Durza was flabbergasted. "What? But that's impossible! You're in our house, well prison actually, and that means that you, as an elf have to obey what we say."
"No I don't," Arya said.
"But it says so right here!" Durza said. He held up a copy of Artemis Fowl. "This book has all the secrets of the faeries, and that includes elves." As a matter of fact, Durza had captured Arya by waiting at an old oak tree near a river under the full moon. Arya had actually came there to wash the dragon egg, but Durza didn't know that.
"Um, about that," the guard said. "It turns out that those books are entirely fictional and have no real life resemblance at all."
Durza couldn't believe it. He had put up an add on an online site saying Imperial businessman will pay a large sum of Imperial Crowns to meet a fairy, leprechaun, or elf. Most of his subsequent searches had been fraudulent, but one of them in a town called Fo Chi Min in Surda seemed to have paid off, where Durza bribed some hobo by the name of Eoin Colfer for the book which he though would solve all of his problems.
Apparently, all that effort had been wasted.
"Regardless elf," Durza said after he had regained his composure. "You will have to- wait no, I don't mean to, just keep quite okay." Durza said this while tapping his ear like there was an earpiece there, though there was clearly nothing.
"What are you doing?" Arya asked.
"It's that guy that I'm possessing," Durza said. "He still somehow manages to control part of this body, and he goes around singing the Pokemon theme song all the time in our head and he won't stop talking about My Little Pony."
Durza spent most of an hour talking like that to Carsaig. Apparently, the guards were used to this and it was really their only source of amusement besides playing the Pokemon TCG so more guards gathered round from everywhere to see Durza arguing with himself. Arya probably could've escaped from the place like five dozen times, but thought that it would be way too much effort and that she should probably just wait for the main characters to show up.
Finally, Durza stopped talking to himself. Then, he decided that he was just going to read the elf's mind to figure out all of her secrets. Surprisingly though, he couldn't and he got absolutely nothing while trying. And for some reason, Arya had a red wig on this time.
"I'm cosplaying as Isabella Swan," she said. "That means that you can't read my mind."
"HOW THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?" Durza shouted.
Suddenly, Arya thought of something. "Do you- do you sparkle in the sunlight?"
"Of course not!" Just then, as if right on cue, sunlight from the window touched Durza and his skin began sparkling in all sorts of different colors including blue, red, and green. He then realized what had happened and turned to the soldiers assembled there who were giggling behind his back.
"Okay, which one of you *bleeped* *bleeps* put glitter into my moisturizer?" No one confessed and instead they all began laughing even harder.
Once Durza was done swearing after half an hour and had removed all the glitter from his person, one of the guards spoke up.
"We've decided as a union, that since the elf isn't going to escape, that there will be no guard duty around her." All of the soldiers, including the guard, left. Durza sighed, he had absolutely no one to talk to now. He then decided to check up on what Team Ra'zac was doing.
Durza dialed the number. Both of them showed up.
"To unite the world from-"
"YES WE GET IT ALREADY!" Durza shouted at them. That was like the millionth time that they had said their theme. "What is the status in retrieving the dragon egg."
"We have a lead sir," James said. "And we're tailing it." Durza nodded and ended the call. To be honest, he had been hoping that those guys had failed so that he could shout at them and relieve some of his rage, but he was clearly not going to get that luxury either. He just hung his head their because he had just gotten really depressed.
But then, he perked up. There was possibly one silver lining to this situation.
"So," Durza said to Arya who was still dressed up as that Twilight chick. "Wanna go out? We'd look great together."
...
...
"Get lost loser," she said.
Meanwhile, back at Carvahall Roran was watching the news on his flat screen television. Did he really care about the news? Of course not! And you wouldn't either if you lived in Carvahall. Seriously, who even cares about a town full of weed-smoking hobos?
What he watched the news for was Katrina, who was the reporter and like all the reporters on Carvahall News, dressed up as slutty as possible in order to get some viewers. Of course, that meant that they never ever said any real news, but who cared?
Katrina finally came up on the screen wearing a way too revealing outfit. "So, in further news today, most people around Carvahall continued to act like idiots. Most of the time, it did not turn out well. For further details, please consult your mirror."
Roran cheered before there was an explosion and two people jumped in through the windows instead of walking through the door, which was open, for some reason. They then began saying some sort of theme song or something while Roran went to the kitchen to fix up a snack.
"Hey, you don't just go and ignore us like this," Jessie said. "So shut up and hand over Pikabloo, I mean Saphira."
"Who?" Roran asked.
All of them then got into some sort of weird and confusing argument that no one really understood. So, that is where we leave off at this chapter.
"Wait a minute," Eragon said. "That's it? How can that be it? I wasn't even mentioned in this chapter. How can they have a chapter without me? Like hello, I am the main character of this whole story. There's no way that anyone would want to read about something from some of the other loser's point of view."
"Actually," Brom said, "Eragon, all of the books except the first one are going to have stuff from other people's POV."
Just then Eragon began flipping through Eldest. "What? There are chapters that are entirely devoted to that jerk Roran? Why?"
A/N: And so we end this chapter. Next time, we really will be focussing on Eragon more, even though nobody really cares about him.
As for that, let me address some of my reviewers by name. I would like to thank those who have continued to review, including Dragonlord Stephi and Insane PJO LOver 93. Also, cassowary, was Eragon a ripoff of Pokemon all along? I'm not sure, I mean, lots of people already think it was ripped off of Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings, but anyway, I guess the world will never know.
By the way, if you like this, do review. What was your favorite character up till now? While I like getting detailed reviews, I suppose if this made you laugh you can just type in LOL in the review box and even leave it at that.
Until next time.