I realized that when I was writing this chapter, was like I was writing a journal entry. I went through something tonight and there were my emotions, and I wrote it just like that. This story and I have more in common than I thought.

Day 3

I feel like I'm chasing something invisible and I can't take it anymore. First I'm angry, then sad, then angry and I feel so depressed. I can't fucking take this anymore Kendall, and I can't take writing in this fucking journal. I haven't ate anything since you left and I threw up twice this morning and I'm still not hungry. I haven't been out of the room since yesterday, even when Logie and Carlos tried to get me out. I'm becoming pissed at you, and I wanna say that I fucking hate you, the way you let me down but I can't bring myself to it. Everybody's sad and shit and I can't fucking take it anymore Kendall. It's like this room is a fucking torture device and every time I look I see you leaving me. You ever thought about what would happen to me when you left? Just leave me high and fucking dry why don't you? You don't understand what you mean to me, and it hurts. You haven't called or texted me or even your mom for that matter and I hope you don't expect me to be okay with that. You're giving me two roads here, and both are bad, I'm slowly losing my fucking mind here. You don't understand, you just don't understand; I hope you're having a nice fucking time in Europe. Kendall, please come back because I don't want to say it.

I closed the notebook and rushed to the bathroom as I threw up. My hair was a mess, my hands look smaller, I'm not really sure. I laid on the bathroom floor and thought about 3 days ago, when I bit my lip and felt the pain there was nothing like it. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I saw a pathetic, desperate, boy who's just begging the attention. I angrily yanked up my sleeve. The nearest thing was a shaving razor, which I had to fix the blades so it could actually cut me. I held it and slid it across my forearm; I stood and watched the blood seep out. I've been cut free for a while, until now. I did it again and the lack of pain was exhilarating, like going up a rollercoaster, waiting for the drop. I waiting for the blood to seep through the broken skin, and I did it again. I had to put more pressure on this one because the razor was dull. I sunk down on the floor and watched as the velvet liquid leaked from my arm, I sighed. It felt good to get these emotions out, as I watched the blood; it hypnotized me and there were no worries. None about Kendall, or me or Mama Knight, it was like my safe haven. I started to wash the blood away, and wrap it up with gauze, before I pulled my sleeve down over my arm. I feel guilty, like all those talks and getting rid of all sharp objects in the house never worked. I walked back into the bedroom to see Logan on the bed.

"Again?" He asked, I got nervous. Sometimes Logan guessed things before I even thought them, and that's how well he knew me

"What?" I asked him, I was getting a little dizzy and my hearing was in and out

"That you vomited?" He asked, I nodded and walked slowly over to the bed , my head was pounding. I just pushed it aside "James, you need to eat something, because if you don't you're going to-" I heard a big thump and then everything went blank.

My body felt sore, and I couldn't move my left arm. I sighed

"James" I heard a chair scoot back and I felt someone's eyes on me. I opened my eyes to see Carlos, clutching his helmet over me. I was in a hospital, and I hated it.

"Hi Lolo" That was the name we gave him as kids, he liked it because he said it reminded him of his pet monkey which was never really his.

"Jamie, why'd you cut yourself again?" He said, this was where the 'Diamond' really stood out

"What're you talking about?" I asked him

"I saw your arm!" He said, loudly. I hated being caught because it only made me more shameful of what I've done.

"I'm sorry" I stared straight ahead of me

"But, I thought you were done. You've been cut free for like almost two years" He commented. I'm an epic failure, thank you

"I was, but I just..never mind" I said to him, as he stared intently at me

"NO!" He shouted, and Mama Knight and Logan jumped "Jamie, you've been my best friend since we were in diapers. So either you're going to tell me why you did it, or I'll hate you forever" He had tears brimming his eyes, as I had mine. How was I going to tell him I was broken? So broken, not even his beloved super glue can fix.

"You go shatter a glass and tell me how you fixed that" I shouted angrily at him, he tears spilled and I blinked and my tears came rushing down. I stared at the wall as Logan ushered Carlos out of the room, trying to calm him down.

"James, what's this about? What made you boys so upset?" She asked me, I just kept staring at the wall, clenching and unclenching my fist.

"James" Her small hand slid into mine, I looked up at her and she had that look in her eyes. Like she's losing a son "Please talk to me James, I'm beginning not to know what to do anymore" That was a first for her, because she always knew what to do in any situation

"He's not coming back" I mumbled softly to myself, she rubbed my hand

"Yes, he is" She said, I shook my head no

"He hasn't called or texted and" I started telling us and she shook her head furiously

"Damnit James, he's coming back!" She shouted, more tears ran down my cheeks

"He's not" Her lip started trembling as she pinched them together.

"I'm a mother, ever if I got a call saying he's dead; I'd still look for him to come back because I'm a mother. Mother's never lose hope about her sons, never" She wiped away a free falling tear "And I'm not giving up on Kendall, because he's coming back, because I'm a mother" She said, and tried to catch another tear, while I just let mine fall

"And I'm not giving up on you!" She said, her cloudy green eyes stared at me and I could tell through those familiar eyes that she meant what she said.

"But-" I began

"James, just talk to me. Please" She said, I looked at her and she was desperate to help me, to learn what was wrong, to try and help me.

"I cut myself today" I told her, she shut her eyes tightly and squeezed my hand. Of course she knew about previous cutting but I've never told her that, ever "James, I don't want you to feel that you can't talk to anyone, because you can talk to me. James, I see you as my son; I know what you like and what you hate, what pisses you off, and when you feel vulnerable" She said

"I know how much you love Kendall, and I also know how stubborn the both of you are. James, I am always here for you; Logan and Carlos care for you just as much as I do" She said, they were still in the hallway and I could hear his sobs.

"James, when you feel this way talk to me, please. I don't want you to do something you later regret, and I don't care if you have to tell me something completely inappropriate, you can talk to me about anything" I squeezed her hand, I have her. Her support, her love, her encouragement not to do that again. It may not completely stop it, and she's not replacing Kendall but the woman he came from sure as hell counts for a lot. I swallowed a thick, heavy lump in my throat and sighed.

"I feel selfish sometimes" I mumbled to her, she reached her hand up to stroke my bangs away from my eyes

"Because you're angry at him for leaving?" She asked, I nodded "Sometimes, I am too" She said, She squeezed my hand, queuing my to continue.

"Yes, and when I think about it; he's doing something so unselfish" I said, she patted my hand

"Somethings have a hefty price to pay" She said, more to herself than to me

"But is it worth losing him?" I asked her, she squeezed my hand

"You'll have to ask yourself that" Carlos and Logan came slowly shuffling in the room, and Carlos was sniffling.

"I can't" I stared at the corner, not again. Again, the tears slowly crept upon me. Was I really going to just become numb? Numb enough to where I don't feel anything anymore?

"I feel relaxed when I do it. I'm not worry about you, or me or Kendall" I told her, she sighed

"Sometimes, crying is best James" I looked at her

"Maybe, I guess" I said to her, she squeezed my hand

"One of my sons is halfway across the world, I don't want to lose another" She said, I wrapped my arms around her, she was like my mother. Everything she said to me, I know she would never say unless she was really concerned about me, and really care about me. Hugging her made me feel, safe as if she was my security blanket, or my safest teddy bear. I didn't want to let her go, afraid that if I did, then she would leave, just like Kendall did. I felt her chest rise up and down, she was crying.

"Don't make me lose another" She moved my hair from my forehead, and pressed a kiss there. I held her tightly, she was like an anchor, a tether, a nail keeping me in place and sane in reality.

"Come over here boys" She said to Logan and Carlos, and they wrapped their arms around us. She kissed both of their foreheads, and kissed mine again.

"I don't know what I'd do without you boys" She said, I hugged her even tighter. This was my family, that cared, and made me laugh, and cry and do some of the stupidest things I've ever did in my entire life. I don't know what I'd do without them, Logan and Carlos they were like my brothers; I treated Katie as if she was my sister, she acted like it. Fake teasing, playing, arguing like cats and dogs, just because we felt like it.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I sobbed and Mama Knight's arms on me tightened, I never wanted them to be disappointed in my. All I ever wanted was for someone to be proud of me, to be proud of what I've done and accomplished.

"I'm so proud of you Jamie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Carlos weeped. I can't blame him for getting angry with me, I was used to my parents getting angry with me over the stupidest things. I let one arm loose from Mama Knight and wrapped it around Carlos. I've never heard my real parents say they're proud of me, all I hear is 'You've could've done better' and after a while, I tried to be perfect. The perfect straight son, who plays football and go through girls like an assembly line, and doesn't like hockey because it's not a 'real man sport' and it never worked, it just broke me more. Even through all this pain, I don't regret moving here with the boys; I didn't have to be straight as a pole, or watch football and ignore hockey or fuck girls because that's what my father wanted. I could do me, I could be myself, I could be the real James Diamond.