Runaway
Part 3
He stared at the wooden cross, at the name inscribed on the metal plaque adorning it, emotions surging up inside as he did so. He missed Jackson so very much, more than he thought was possible. Coming here, speaking his thoughts out loud was a comfort of sorts; it was what they called cold comfort he supposed, because in the end it didn't really help, nothing did. Still he'd miss coming here; he'd miss this remote means of contact, all he would have of Jackson would be memories after today.
"I'm not going to be able to come for a while..." Not even he could lie to a dead man, "I won't be coming again, but that doesn't mean that I've stopped loving you or that I've forgotten you because I haven't, I won't, I never will. I just can't be here anymore. It's too hard... I can't do it without..." He had to stop to wipe away a tear and decided to change the direction of the one sided conversation, "You don't have to worry about your mum, she'll be fine. I promised you I'd look after her and I did, I did my best anyway, she threw a bit of a wobble before the trial but she's alright now... as alright as she could be after losing you. She thinks we did the right thing but I... " No, he wasn't going there either, he'd only get angry, angry with himself and angry at Jackson and he didn't want his last visit to his grave to hold any negative memories. "Anyway your mum's got Bob now, he's been a good friend to her, he's been so supportive, and Paddy will keep an eye on her too... so like I said you don't need to worry about her... or me. I know what I'm doing."
He got to his feet, he didn't want to draw the goodbye out, he didn't want to prolong the agony. He knew the longer he was here the harder it would be to walk away. He fingered Jackson's name, lovingly caressing it but that just wasn't enough for him so he leant down and gently pressed his lips against it, whispering 'I love you' as he withdrew from the goodbye kiss.
The cross wouldn't be here for much longer, it was just a marker until the headstone was set in place, he wouldn't be around to see that... he could imagine it though, he knew what was to be carved into it, that his name was to be there too. He hadn't liked the idea at first, not after what he'd done and he'd told Hazel not to put it there but she wouldn't listen. But now he was happy... well not happy... pleased to be able to leave something of himself behind with his boyfriend, with the man he'd loved... still loved so deeply, he didn't want to desert him completely.
He told himself not to look back and he didn't, he just forced his reluctant feet forward and out through the churchyard gates. That was the hardest part done; now he just had to get through the rest of the day.
/
Everything was so far going to plan, for once going his way. Cain would be leaving work earlier than usual, was going with Debbie and Sarah to the hospital, the little girl was ill, or so they now believed, she needed blood tests and all manner of investigations. While they were gone he would be in charge of the garage, he had the keys, and one of those keys opened the petty cash box. Petty cash! It actually held sizable amounts of cash, and he'd be helping himself to it. That was one way of turning Cain against him, making him wash his hands of him, making him want to forget all about him. Debbie couldn't afford to lose the money but he knew Cain would replace it one way or another so he wasn't going to feel guilty about taking it. He wouldn't feel guilty about helping himself to the Woolpack's takings either, his mum owed him for all the years she hadn't been there... and anyway it would drive home the message that he really was no good, that it was time for her to give up on him. Getting his hands on that money could prove a little more tricky, but he knew he could do it, he hadn't lost any of his nerve or cunning, and like Cain they wouldn't notice it missing until he was long gone.
He still had to get some essentials from home... from Paddy's. The older man had stopped by the garage earlier, wanting to check on him, knowing he had to have heard him and Rhona arguing. He'd been relieved to see him, wanting to one last time; still he'd lied barefaced to him, told him he was fine, that everything was ok, that he'd be working late so not to hold tea for him. That way he wouldn't get wind of the fact he'd left, not until he was miles away. He'd get what stuff he needed later when Paddy was out on his calls and Rhona at the clinic with Leo. It was just a regular check up today, to make sure he was gaining weight... he would have liked to see him grow up but that wasn't going to happen now.
Three o'clock had soon come and he'd watched Debbie carry her daughter to the car, she was so pale, a sickly worrying colour, he knew there was something very wrong with her. He told himself it was something she'd recover from, and told Cain he hoped everything went alright but he could tell by his uncle's face that he was expecting some worrying news. He couldn't dwell on that though, he had to put his family and friends to the back of his mind, he had to try and forget them.
It was eight o'clock now and he was well on his way to wherever it was he was going. He'd been thumbing it and was now keeping a long distance lorry driver company, not that he was any kind of company right now, his mind kept straying to what... to who he was leaving behind... they were probably starting to wonder where he was by now...
In the end his plans hadn't gone quite the way he had in mind. He'd opened the petty cash box but all he'd taken from it was what he was entitled to... his wages. There had been a time when he could easily have stolen from his own family but not now, when the time had come he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He hadn't been able to steal from Cain, he hadn't been able to steal from his mum either, but he had been able to turn his back on them, on Paddy, on Hazel... because he truly believed it was the right thing to do.
TBC