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Part 3

The ambulance ride to the hospital is terrifying, blaring sirens that reverberate angrily through his broken mind and jolting turns that shudder through his whole body. The lights are bright and the pain is intense and everything is too much, it's daunting and overwhelming and he can barely breathe again, his lungs crackle with every inhale and his body groans with every exhale. Miss Pillsbury had agreed to come to the hospital with him and Tina had insisted on coming in the ambulance too, they're both holding his hands too tightly and wiping hair out of his face and crowding in on him, overbearing and exhausting and so sincerely caring that it makes him want to cry all over again. Paramedics are talking to him and touching him but he can barely hear, his eyes keep going in and out of focus, slipping open and shut, and all the noise, all the colours blur into one frightening presence pressing in on every side, he shrinks up trying to get away from it all but it's in his skin, locked up in his mind and forcing it's way under his blankets, consuming him completely.

He feels a fresh wave of tears prickle in his eyes as Tina tells him that Sam and Finn are following behind, everyone cares about him, really cares and it terrifies him because what's the point? What's the point when he always ends up like this, when he disappoints everyone and hurts the people he loves and he's not worth any of it. They keep telling him it'll be okay, calling him 'sweetheart' and 'honey' and they keep apologising, like it's their fault, like it's anyone but Blaine's fault. He can't bear it, he can't bear the thought that they actually waste time caring about him and worrying about him, it makes him sick. He just wants to be alone, he wants everyone to leave him alone and live their lives happily away while he withers and dies in the empty sheets. He wants his parents to stop pretending they care and his brother to not be tied to a place he hates and he wants Kurt to be happy, honestly that's the only thing Blaine's wanted since the first time he met Kurt and promised himself he would do everything in his power to make the broken boy smile. It's what Kurt deserves after all, he deserves white knights and romance and happiness, he deserves everything that isn't Blaine. Blaine just wants to stop letting other people down, it's why he didn't put up a fight after all. It's why he's letting them win.

He thinks he blacks out for a while, well he must black out because the next thing he knows he's in an uncomfortably stuffy hospital room with itchy blankets and faded yellow walls. He doesn't know whether they gave him something or he passed out on his own, or maybe he was awake all along and he just didn't realise it. But bandages and stitches have appeared on his body, Finn and Miss Pillsbury are standing on either side of his bed while a doctor talks and talks and talks, he can't understand what she's saying but he nods anyway, all the words jumble into one until they're just background noise on a broken radio. Slowly they morph into something more sinister, words that kept him awake for nights on end when he was younger 'fag' and 'freak' and 'die' and crueller words still that he can barely think and let alone say. They come back to haunt him, history repeating itself. The pain is familiar, everywhere hurts but it's not the wild fire he remembers from earlier, the red hot rampage of torn skin and broken bones, it's an ache, it's a bruise encasing his entire body, it's an inability to breathe and an itch to scream and it hurts. God everything just hurts.

But it's nice.

He can deal with pain, it's comforting in a way, it's reliable and it's friendly and it makes him feel welcomed even if he's not exactly wanted. His head's still a little cloudy, he doesn't bother to listen to what people are saying, or look them in the eye. He slips back, back into a place he hasn't been in an awfully long time, his bubble, his cocoon, his safe haven of torment.

He doesn't speak and eventually everyone realises that he isn't going to, the doctor leaves and says she'll check on him later. Miss Pillsbury says that she tried calling his parents and they didn't pick up ha that's a surprise but that she'll try again soon, and Finn says that Burt and Carole are on their way. He doesn't show any sign of understanding them, he stares resolutely at the wall in front of him and keeps his face devoid of emotion.

But inside he wants to scream, he wants to rip and claw and cry because it must be late now, it must be well into the night and a few minutes ago Tina came in and she cried and she told him she was sorry, that she shouldn't have made him come and he'd wanted to explain to her that it wasn't her fault, it was his, that these things happen to him all the time and that he's unsalvageable so it really shouldn't matter anyway. And now Kurt's dad is on his way, as if he hasn't caused that family enough trouble as it is , and he wants to be alone, he wants everyone to get on with their lives and he just wants to stop existing. He wants bad things to stop happening to him.

Burt and Carole arrive, Miss Pillsbury tells him she's going to go home now but she'll keep trying for his parents, she awkwardly pats him on the shoulder and leaves. Carole tells Finn to go home and get some rest too, so he does with a sad look and a 'see you later man'. Tina left hours ago, still crying.

'Oh honey.' Carole sinks into the chair next to his, gripping his hand tight in her own and stoking at his cheek, it's nice. And then he hates himself because they shouldn't need to be here, he shouldn't be enjoying the fact that he's inconveniencing them, they shouldn't even be able to look at him without hating him for what he did to Kurt, he can barely look in the mirror himself.

'Who did this Blaine? You tell me who did this.' Burt's voice is calm and low, his eyes burning with the same passion Blaine's seen a thousand times in Kurt's. He's intimidating, fists clenched, and body trembling with rage, voice solemn and sinister, and not for the first time in Blaine's life he thinks that he wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of Mr Hummel. 'Who did this Blaine?' It's almost a shout and Blaine withdraws at that, curling in on himself and trying to hide the stray tears that have started to run down his face again. There's only a couple but he can feel them everywhere, marking his face and singeing his skin and showing the whole world just how weak he is.

'Leave him be Burt, he can talk to you in the morning.' Carole squeezes his hand and gives him a warm smile. Another tear falls.

'They can't just get away with this.' Burt's pacing, hands clenching and unclenching, his whole body strung up tight like a string about to snap. Blaine tries to blink back tears and ends up letting more fall.

'Stop it look you're scaring him.' He's not. The only person Blaine is afraid of is himself.

'Just tell me Blaine, nobody's going to judge you or think any less of you, just tell me kid and I'll fix, I'll make sure that those… I'll fix this you hear me.' Blaine shakes his head hysterically, trying to throw away the voices and the people and the feelings. He curls up into Carole's side, more because she pulls him to her than anything else, but he presses his head into her chest, shaking it vigorously all the while, and he grips her hand until his knuckles turn white. He hides up against her.

'Look what you've done.' She hisses at Burt, who continues to pace along the sticky white floor. 'It's okay Blaine honey, you don't have to talk right now, you're probably tired. No one's going to hurt you anymore, we're here to help, just go to sleep and we'll sort everything out in the morning.' Gently, she lifts Blaine's head from her shoulder and lays it to rest on the lumpy hospital pillow; she draws his blankets up around him and smooths his hair down as he wordlessly lies back to sleep.

Blaine wakes to the persistent murmuring of familiar voices, they sound worried and strained, forcing themselves to be quiet in the already constricting silence of the room. He keeps his eyes shut and his body still, desperately trying to hide the fact that he's awake. And then he hears it, high and soft and devastatingly beautiful.

'I can't believe I let this happen to him.'

'Kurt, how is this in any way your fault, you weren't even there. The only people to blame are those ignorant-'

'I don't know I should've called him I shouldn't have let him go I should've never let him transfer to McKinley in the first place.'

'This is not your fault. '

'Whose is it then, you don't know, the police don't know, someone has to pay for this someone has to-' Blaine feels the bed sink as Kurt throws himself onto it. He knows from experience that Kurt's fisting his fingers in his hair and covering his face in his hands, sinking down further onto the bed where he probably already knows Blaine isn't asleep.

'This is not your fault and this is not his fault, you're good kids, right now you just need to let him sleep. I'm sure he'll be happy when he wakes up and sees you.'

'Yeah I bet he'll be overjoyed to see the boy who broke up with him in his hospital room.'

'Why did you come then?' The room is quiet for a very long time. Blaine can almost feel the knowing smirk Burt is giving his son, he can definitely feel the sorrowful eyes Kurt is turning on him.

'I'm going to help Carole with the coffee. Maybe he'll talk to you when he wakes up.'

Blaine hears a door open, the sudden whoosh of ringing phones and mundane chatter, and then there's an ominous click and he's swallowed by the vacuum of silence once more. There are a few more minutes of both of them waiting out the other until finally there's a whisper in the air.

'Blaine I know you're awake.' Blaine hides, rolling away and pressing his face into the pillow. He screws his eyes shut and covers his ears like a petulant child in an attempt to block out everything. He feels a hand rest lightly on his shoulder, not pressing him for anything, just waiting. After a while it starts to move slowly, softly, rubbing up and down his arm in a way that he really wishes wasn't comforting.

'I'm sorry.' He whispers, face still pressed almost painfully into the pillow. The words come out as a jumble but he knows Kurt understood, the hand freezes on his forearm and he hears a quiet intake of breath in the uncomfortably silent room.

'Why are you sorry?' It takes him even longer to reply this time, he's trying to regulate his breathing and still his thoughts and stop his eyes from betraying him, in, out, in, out. He scared of what his voice will do when he uses it, he hasn't spoken since the incident, since the only words he could manage were screams and pleads of forgiveness, but when Kurt whispers out a broken 'Blaine.' He takes a deep breath and begins.

'For hurting you. For hurting everyone. Just… I'm sorry, that all I ever do is cause people pain, and I'm sorry that I ruined the dance for Tina and I'm wasting everyone's time. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that you're here and I'm just sorry.' Blaine still doesn't turn round, he can't look at Kurt, he won't look at Kurt, he just stares at the floor and listens to his own jagged breathing.

'Blaine.'

'Don't.' It's surprisingly harsh, it scares Blaine a little, his voice is rough and angry, he feels fire run though his veins and catch in his throat, he wasn't aware he could feel this much anymore. It's terrifying.

'You're not wasting anybody's time. Listen to me, I want to be here for you, and nobody is angry or disappointed with you, they love you and they care about you and I'm so sorry that you think they don't because it's like you can't even see how wonderful you are, how caring and sweet you can be, and how you're always there for everybody. Trust me honey, people want to be here for you.'

'You don't get it, that's the problem they shouldn't. I'm so useless I wish people didn't care about me because then I could just di- then I wouldn't be wasting anybody's time.'

'Don't say that Blaine. Don't you dare say that!' Blaine can't see Kurt but he knows that his eyes are dark, that his lips are set in the same way he's seen Mr Hummel do a thousand times. He can tell that Kurt's teeth are gritted together, and that he's staring at the back of Blaine's head right now, willing him to turn round. But he won't.

'But it's true.'

'Blaine I- the doctors- I have to ask. The doctor's said that there were… cuts… on your arms that couldn't have been from the fight, they said they were deep and Blaine honey I thought you were over this I mean… I'm sorry. I just, I can't imagine what would cause a person to do that, well I can, I've lived it, but it makes me sick that you're going through it, that you couldn't reach out to anyone, that you have to hurt yourself to feel better. I feel like I've failed you, I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you but I'm going to be here for you now and we'll get through this don't worry, It'll be okay I'm so so so sorry. I don't know how to help you but I will. I promise.'

'See, I'm just hurting you and I'm ruining your life and I'm sorry. It's not your fault, you shouldn't be here I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.' Blaine lets out a sob , quickly burying his face once more in the pillow to hide the one's that will undoubtedly follow. Even so he knows his body is shaking, and his hands are winding together pulling at his skin and tearing at his hair and then all of a sudden they're not. They're wrapped up in soft, warm hands that hold them tight against his chest and he's still crying, he's full on sobbing and his whole body's trembling but Kurt's there, and he thinks Kurt might be crying too which only makes him cry harder but at the same time the other boy is warm and strong and he has his arms around him. Kurt pulls Blaine close and thanks the stars that Blaine goes easily, he wraps his arms around the smaller boy, trapping him with his back flush against Kurt's chest, and he just holds him. He rubs at his arms and he whispers useless words against the back of his neck and he cries, not as violent and despairing as Blaine is, but there are tears all the same and the choking, hopeless feeling of being trapped that he hasn't felt since before he even knew Blaine. It makes him sick to think that Blaine knows the taste of it too. They rock slowly, it's a good twenty minutes until Blaine's sobs turn into despondent kitten mewls and jolting hiccups.

'You are not ruining my life. You are the best that ever happened to me.'

'I'm sorry.'

'You don't have to be anymore.'

Kurt doesn't know what to do and he doesn't know what the future holds, but he knows that right now Blaine needs someone, and he's willing to be that person, he wants to be that person. So they lie close together and they hold hands and they hide in the broken glass and shattered dust of lives that have been torn apart. And they hope, beyond hope, that eventually they can make it out of this alive. Even if they're scarred.

Thank you all so much for reading, tell me what you think.