If you're going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchil

After a busy start to the day, I needed some semblance of stability. And that alone could be produced by one person.

Even though I hated going to the Veterans Center, I could not help but go back from time to time.

Sam was one of Ben's few reminders and I needed to talk to him. Even if we were talking about the huge elephant in the room. That being my devastating mourning process.

I was slowly and calmly making my way through the huge hall with a slight feeling of discomfort before stopping in front of the group sessions. I tightened my grip on the keys of Kate's car before silently advancing as I could hear voices coming from inside the room.

I was quick to lean against the crack with my arms crossed over my chest as I could see Sam in full session. The latter had left the army shortly after Ben's death. He was part of a classified special project and before that, he was in the same unit as Ben and me. He had one of my best men. It was before he decided to join the air force. From that moment, Ben and I had received a better offer in the Navy.

Unfortunately he had lost Riley, his teammate during one of their missions. After that, he was almost as destroyed as me. But he was strong and saner than I was now. He had found the strength to overcome his pain and had turned the bad into a positive one. He was now leading several support sessions for veterans of the military.

I listened silently with my tight chest as one of the participants explained his daily difficulties. SPT, paranoia, aggression and all that bunch of shit that kept him from moving forward. After having lived what these men had experienced on the field, I could definitively affirm that the army was fucking with the spirit of these soldiers and even those of the strongest.

This thought strangely brought me back to some annoying neighbor. Oddly, my history classes suddenly came back to my mind. How the Captain had proudly fought during the WWII before sacrificing himself for the country. Now he was here and probably had to deal with his own troubles and learn to live in this world again. My empathic side buried deep in layers of grief and mourning almost tried to rise to the surface, but it was enough for me to close my eyes and take a deep breath to silence that futile attempt to feel again.

A deep frown appeared on my face at the mere thought. I had to stop thinking about this jerk before he ended up destroying everything I had so hard to create. I had locked myself into this sphere of apathy and could not allow myself to feel again. No, it was difficult enough like that. I could never bear to feel that pain again and again. I struggled enough daily against her.

"You know, you could sit with us instead of hovering in the dark with a deep frown."

I suddenly jumped at the familiar intervention before suddenly looking in surprise around me. It seemed as if I had been so deeply locked in my own little head that I did not even notice that the session had ended or that Sam and I were now the only ones still present.

I forced a weak smile on my lips as I walked a little in the light while remaining nonchalantly pressed against the opening. " Maybe next time. "

"That's exactly what you said the last time." The brown chocolate-skinned man reminded me before handing me a cup of coffee. "Here. You seem to need it."

I nodded in affirmation before taking the cup with a sign of thanks." I went to see Alma. An incident with a trainee."

"It's been a while since I went to see her." He confessed, lowering his chin with guilt before giving me an almost anxious look. " How is she ?"

"Like, like that. Most of the time, she remembers me. She knows who I am and Ben ... "I swallowed as I could feel my grip on the cup start shaking before checking my jaw to keep emotions under control. "She's always so interest in my social life. "

At that, Sam let a little snort amused before raising an eyebrow with a little sneer. "Who was that this time? Caretaker ? The nurse in the next room?"

"The grandson of one of the residents." I replied with a faint smile before feeling the weight of our conversation darken my mood again."Yeah. I never thought that my own mother-in-law would try to convince me to go on a date."

I stared intently at the black liquid in the cup as I bit the inside of my cheek in an attempt to keep the emotions at bay.

However, I could feel Sam's watchful eye on me making me look up again to meet his gaze almost as dark as coal. "How you sleep lately?"

"Oh, well, I'm fine." I said, avoiding his gaze as I focused my attention on the left as I narrowed my lips to downplay my words. "If you don't count nightmares, tremors, the use of drugs deemed illegal over the counter, nicotine addiction and that ball ... that empty ball gnawing at me from the inside."

A heavy silence fell on us as I turned my eyes to Sam just to squeeze my lips at the sight of his expression of pity and understanding. He knew exactly what I was talking about. He knew the effects of the loss of a loved one himself and he knew the fight I had to face daily. He was the only person to whom I did not keep this facade. I just could not lie to him, he knew me too well.

"It feels like hell, Sam."

I could feel the tightness in my throat preventing me from breathing, the weight on my shoulders and soon, Sam's firm, muscular arms were around me. I let myself be comforted as I would soon be holding my arms around his middle. I was careful not to spill my cup as I was using my free hand to squeeze his shirt into my fist. I could feel his soothing caresses along my back to take some of my burden.

Not useful but I had to give him a point to try.

Finally, he pulled away, letting me lift my chin to plunge my foamy brown orbs into his brown-coal eyes.

"I know that everything I say will have no effect on you. You have always been too stubborn for you own good. Ben was the first to say it." He whispered with a hint of laughter at the reminder and a sharp look in my direction. "But there is a better world after all this trouble. And if there is anyone who can overcome this ordeal, it's you, Commander."

A sad smile appeared on my lips despite everything as I took in his comforting words, sincerely hoping he was telling the truth.

Unfortunately, I was not sure I could really believe him right now.

He put a chaste kiss on my forehead, taking care to stay a little longer than necessary before I stepped back to give me room to breathe. I leaned against the crack again, taking a long sip of the hot coffee between my fingers.

The pungent liquid eased the feeling of my tight throat a little before transferring my eyes to Sam with a nostalgic smile. "Ben hated coffee. He always made me buy these little packs of herbs to infuse."

"Yeah, I mean what Americans don't like coffee, right?" Sam replied with a laugh to make a joke.

I let out a breath of laughter before shaking my head in agreement as I could feel the tears behind my eyes. "It was awful. Whenever he did, the apartment stank for hours of sandalwood and all these vegetarian herbs."

"God, I remember." Sam agreed, shaking his head with a grimace amused at the memory. "He had done it once in the camp."

I let a new hiccup of laughter at the booster before giving him a hilarious look. "And Jerry who thought it was medicinal herbs."

This time, Sam let out a straightforward and straightforward reminder that the image of a Jerry applying Ben's tea herbs to his feet resurfaced behind our eyes. It was sincerely one of our best memories of operations together. When everything was still simple for all of us. Even before Ben and I discovered our feelings for each other. It was just the strangeness of a dysfunctional group of men under the orders of a woman. We were one of the most frantic subjects in the base. Not only were they headed by a woman but they also had their own lot of strangeness. We were the most effective outcast group at the base and that was what I liked most about them.

Finally, the rest of the conversation focused mainly on banalities like the progress of my work, the effects of the roommate on my lonely trends and the well-being of Robbie. It reminded me that I had left the clinic without really preventing her.

I was cursing right in our conversation, effectively interrupting Sam in his tracks."What's the matter ?"

I left a grimace as I looked up at him knowingly. "I forgot to tell Robbie I was leaving the clinic."

Sam immediately let out a whistle with eyes wide in mischief as he shook his head with pity."Hmmhmm, I don't want to be in your place. "

"Bitch." I insulted, with a bored look, receiving an incredulous scoff of Sam.

"Seriously? Bitch? That's all you got ?"

I wrinkled my lips as I could feel the smile on my lips before pointing my index finger in his face."I remind you that not so long ago, I was your back-up."

"So what? What are you going to do ?" He challenged with a mischievous spark in his warm brown orbs.

I narrowed my eyes at him with slight annoyance before pushing me out of the crack with boredom. "I hate you."

"C'mon." Sam replied at once with a burst of laughter before trying to put his hand on my shoulder just to widen his eyes as I made a point of retreating. "Oh man, you didn't dare."

"Yes. Yes, I did."

Soon enough, we found ourselves in an almost uncontrollable laugh. I stood against the crack to support myself before looking up at the agreement of my only laugh. It turned out that Sam was staring at me with a fond smile on his matted lips.

I raised an eyebrow in sign of question receiving an immediate response from the brown to the buzz cut. "It feels good to see you laughing."

I let my broad grin diminish in a simple smile at this information before nodding my head in agreement. "Yeah, that's good. "

As usual, I ended our conversation by promising Sam to come to the next session. Obviously, he gave me his faithful 'don't bullshitting me' before letting me go with the simple request to pay care a little more about me. This promise, I could hold it.

I only did that anyway. I lived in a monotonous loop in order to keep deep inside me the raw emotions that I did not want to face any more. Apart from a plausible overdose or an accident related to my work, I doubted I would have to face death anytime soon. It may have been a horrible thought pattern for some, but I had long since abandoned the idea of living happily.

Now, I just lived and to be honest, it was already a huge fight daily. Breathing and continuing as if nothing had happened, was the only goal of my days.

When I returned to the apartment, I was almost ashamed to admit that I was relieved when I saw Kate's note telling me she had an emergency at work. It meant that I could spend the whole of my Saturday brooding without having to worry about the effect it had on my roommate. She said nothing but I knew that Kate's attempts to take care of me were purely an act to distract me from my depression. And as much as it would warm my heart, I'd rather stay locked in my room to track down my next target.

Unfortunately, it looks like tonight was going to be one of those nights again. I had just turned on my pc a new beep of notification was on my screen. I leaned over the keyboard immediately, glancing continuously between the screen and the keys before feeling a little bitter grin on my lips.

Declan Monagan. It was the end of his little flight in the shadows.

This time, there would be no super soldier to stop me and I was not going to stop until I got the image I needed. Which meant that I probably would have to go spinning.

If I believed his schedule and where he was, there was little chance he would leave the building before dawn. Now I could try to sleep a bit but I already knew what would come out of it. No. A good spinning in an uncomfortable and dilapidated car was definitely more attractive than any sleep thought.

I was going to need some snacks.

Steve could not stand the thought of his empty, lifeless apartment. He always felt a little more depressed at the thought of having to go back inside the chosen apartment, decorate and probably watch by the Shield. Especially after a day like this.

He knew it was an attempt to adapt him to the new world, but he could not help but feel like to be trapping by the Shield. And in a sense, he was.

He did not really know when he had really started to feel that way with the organization. He had worked with them during the Battle of New York and had almost felt alive again as he had fulfilled his role as a soldier but it turned out that he never really worked at the same level as with Shield. He was somewhat bitter about the lie of the organization. They had used the tesseract as the Germans had tried all these years back.

After that, they used him to shoot these videos for New York students as Senator Brant had done to sell war bonds. They were all politicians in the end who wanted to exploit him.

It was therefore no surprise that he had distanced himself from the Shield. He was not really a soldier anymore and he could make his own decisions. He was no longer a real soldier in the sense of the word. He no longer belonged to the United States.

But they had found a way to get him back under their control. Even before he could really understand the implications of his agreement, he had become that soldier again under their orders.

He had only signed the contract because Fury had told him that he had found Peggy. She was his one and only goal. He had not really thought about the consequences when he took this plane from New York to Washington DC. And now, it was not even sure that coming to DC is the best option. Of course, he was longing for his friends and all the more so for Peggy, but after seeing her like that, getting older and lying in bed in the retirement center, he knew it was not the life he should live. He should also be in a bed like her. Aging with her and not emerge from an ice block seventy years later to become the world's first superhero.

This kind of thinking made him depressed and anxious. He needed to move. He could not go back to his apartment. Not yet.

He gave a last look at the building housing his impersonal apartment before turning his heels in the opposite direction.

He kept his head down in an effort of discretion before pushing his fists into the pockets of his jeans as he let himself be carried by his feet.

Unsurprisingly, his spirit returned to meet Peggy earlier in the day. It was not the first time he had visited her. He had been warned from the first day of her pathology. Alzheimer. He vaguely knew the effects. 'Some good days and some bad days', the nurse. Myers told him.

This disease was already present in his day. It had made him more anxious the first time he had visited her. If she had not recognized him, he did not really know what he would have done. He probably would have fled. It did not seem worthy of the great Captain America but it was not really who he was. He was Steve. Even with all these improvements produced by the serum, there remained this little guy from Brooklyn who simply could not turn a blind eye to an injustice despite his deplorable health.

Granted, he emanated more confidence and assurance now but he was still Steve from Brooklyn under rugged exterior. And most people today seemed to forget it. That was probably why he missed his friends even more.

Anyway, he had never really experienced one of Peggy's bad days and he felt lucky rightly.

Unfortunately, today was the end of his lucky brand. At first, everything was as usual. He and Peggy had met as usual and talked about what they could have been. Then there was this sudden change in her expression. A kind of complete emptiness. For a moment, he wondered if it was really Peggy in front of him. She was almost unrecognizable without her usual smile and that spark of fire in her eyes.
It was enough for him to call her so that she suddenly turned to him with a start of fear. She was afraid of him. It was a shock for him.

Almost instantly, Nurse Myers made her entrance as Peggy seemed to be agitating more and more. She had tried to reassure Peggy before asking Steve to leave the room with that famous expression of empathy. He had followed her without a word, much too shocked to even really record what had happened.

The nurse Myers or apparently Robbie, as he had heard his neighbor calling her, had turned to him in the hope of wiping his visibly dejected expression. She seemed to know what she's doing. And he had almost felt reassured as she explained to him that it was one of the effects she had told him about at their first meeting.

Only their attention was soon to be quickly entertained as a familiar face for the two of them had burst into the lobby.

At that moment, Steve had been beset by two contradictory emotions. One was mistrust. He almost expected to see his neighbor brandishing a Shield badge. And the other, the confusion as he saw the slender brunette heading towards the nurse Myers without even considering his presence.

She had seemed highly and undeniably panicked. An expression that had not yet been given to see on her face. The few times he had met her, she always seemed to alternate between a frowning and aggressive face as she threw him insults.

At that moment, she seemed totally different from the person he had met. He was quick to understand the subject of her concern as she began to draw questions after questions about a certain Alma. And then, he saw the thrill in her limbs. She seemed about to collapse.

The simple thought made him suddenly frown as he remembered the reaction, she had provoked in him. He had almost felt compelled to join her to help her stand up. He was still somewhat disturbed by this thought when he thought about it now. It was not his kind to ignore someone's distress, but his neighbor had been a kind of bully with him since they met. She even managed to get a good hook in his jaw the other night. He had clearly underestimated her. He was not about to make the same mistake again.

Anyway, that was probably why he had decided to follow her even though his jaw could still feel her phantom fist. She had obviously not hit hard enough to cause him any real damage, but she had definitely taken him by surprise. He really had to remember that the women of that time were not the ones he had known.

Nevertheless, as shocking as it was for him. He was sort of enjoying that way she had to treat him. As if he was not the Captain but only just Steve, her neighbor she thought was boring.

At the simple realization, Steve stopped short in his steps without even realizing it. He really had to feel lonely if he ended up appreciating the rough and probably antisocial behavior of his neighbor.

Kate, that was understandable. She was kind, caring and he would lie if he said he was not physically attracted to the pretty blonde. But his other neighbor was practically all the opposite.

Nah, he could not appreciate such a character.

"Ice cream. Ice cream. Cream-ha, ha, there you are!" I mumbled under my breath as I scampered the small aisles of a small local store close to my target before stopping in front of the cooling tank.

I put my basket already filled with junk food on the floor before opening the glass door to recover the object of my desire. Unfortunately, there was only one pot left and it was at the top of the shelf. Now, I was not really what we could call small or even out of shape. With my five-seven and my athletic build due to my army years, I was far from considered small or even fragile but for some reason still unknown, he always seemed to build those damned shelves for a population of giant.

An annoyed expression soon bowed the lines of my face as I literally had to hoist myself on the tip of my feet to catch it before I let a breath as I could feel the tips of my fingers a few inches from the pot.

"Damnit, I'm almost there. Still a little bit." I winced in a forced voice as I could feel a slight pressure of pain in my shoulder and feet. "Just a little, little-hey! "

I fell back on the soles of my feet as a large hand entered my field of vision before stealing my pot right under my nose. I let an indignant expression regain control of my features as I quickly turned on my heels to face this little fucker.

Unfortunately, I definitely did not expect to face my superhero neighbor nuisance.

The latter still seemed ignorant of my presence as he read aloud the flavor of ice cream."Cookie dough? I'm not sure I have yet tasted this flavor before. "

"Yeah? Well, it will not be tonight." I questioned him as I snatched the pot out of his hands with an attitude.

The big blond still seemed ignorant of the identity of the interlocutor in front of him as he hastened to apologize. "Oh, I-I didn't want to take it. Well, I just wanted to ... help you. "

He seemed finally to take notice of my presence as he looked up to meet my face before quickly composing his sorry expression in boredom.

"Oh ... neighbor. "

He gave a simple nod in recognition before giving me the coldest treatment I knew as he walked around me with his lips pursed.

The fuck-

I immediately turned on my heels with the ice cream still in my hands as I watched the broad, muscular back moving away from the aisle in total disbelief. Who would have thought that the infamous Captain America could be so wild. I assumed that even he could become tired of my remarks and rude behavior? I knew that all these rumors and advertisements were lies. He was no more virtuous or superhuman than any man.

I shook my head as a tiny smile threatened to cross my lips before quickly putting the jar in my basket. I did not really have time to worry about the virtuous Captain's mood swings.

With this decision made, I stuck my basket in the joint of my elbow before heading in indifference to the cashier. The latter seemed barely aware of my presence until I noisily put my articles on the counter. I held a petty smile as he jumped at my action before giving me a gloomy look in response. Conversely, I just ignored him as I piled a few more items before resting the basket on the side under the incredulous eyes of the cashier. He eyed the stock of junk food in front of him before raising an eyebrow as he skirted the pile to gauge me. Meanwhile, I began to absently tap my nails on the countertop in impatience.

The little pimply red seemed to take notice of my mood as he rolled his eyes from a forest green before he started scanning my articles. I was so focused on my little childish game with the boy that I did not even notice the soldier patiently waiting in line behind me. A glance shared between the curiosity and the same disbelief of the cashier as he eyed the amount of food before him.

Finally, I threw the articles distractedly in my bag before paying the cashier with a sarcastic smile plastered on my lips. I held a slight grimace at the new load of my backpack as I put it by readjusting the straps on my shoulders before making my way outside. However, the captain's familiar and serious voice stopped me on the sidewalk. I took a look as he made a semblance of discussion with the kid behind the counter before finding the need to confront him for his little act of earlier.

For some reason, his first-class little behavior bored me. Hence the reason why I decided to wait for his release.

Without further ado, the tall guy with wider shoulders than the entrance soon entered. I could feel his hesitation as he saw me on the edge of the sidewalk before he took a step with the intention of getting back to his side of the road.

"I knew you were a fucking hypocrite."

It had the gift of challenging him as he immediately turned on his heels to give me a split look between disbelief and annoyance. "I beg your pardon."

"You're a hypocrite, neighbor." I accented the term as a sign of a little reminder to his jab in the store as I turned on my heels to face him.

Ok, so maybe I was a little extra right now but the little cunt had ignored me.

His bewildered expression soon gave way to irritation as he took two long strides in my direction. If I was not so focused on his ocean-blue eyes turning strangely towards the color of the bottom of the ocean in annoyance, I might have been intimidated.

"You know, I tried to ignore your behavior because Kate told me that you were acting this way with everyone." He said in a tone split between reprimand and confusion. "But I'm seriously starting to think it's personal."

This time, I raised my eyebrows as I could see that the Captain who had so graciously let my attacks through for the last few times was finally done with my shit. Obviously, he was much more than the outside of a perfect gentleman.

A new little smile of amusement seemed about to surface as I pointed my index finger in the general direction of his face."See? Hypocritical. Everyone describes you as the perfect gentleman out of time. A gallant gentleman determined and dedicated to his country when you're just like us. You come from the past? You sacrificed yourself for your country? And then what ? You're still alive, right?"

Strangely, my jab seemed to cause quite a different reaction on the blond as he quickly dialed his bored expression into a surprise and almost guilt. I felt almost a feeling of guilt as I thought I saw a spark of sadness behind his shady pupils, but I was not long in taking my eyes off the thought. I could see his Adam's apple go up and down as he seemed to catch his breath as if I had hit him right in the guts. As if I had just broken through his abominable little secret.

I raised my eyebrows expectantly as I seemed to lose more and more interest in his character. It appears what I had been thinking about at home was not as interesting as I had hoped. Maybe he was really what they said.

When it seemed certain that I would get nothing more from the blonde, I decided to just leave the conversation.

Unfortunately, it was not counting on the almost imperceptible murmur of the blonde. "You're right. "

"What? "

"I said you were right." He repeated more forcefully, making me strangely take a hold on one of the straps of my bag as he seemed to come to life in the hustle and bustle." I may have made some sacrifices back then, but I didn't give up as much as others did. So, you're right. I still have my life."

His statement and the truth behind his words touched a chord in me, as I could not help but think of Ben on that moment. What he had just said, the implication behind his words were the same as I thought every time I thought of Ben. Sam called that, the survivor's guilt.

Personally, I thought that this syndrome was a real bullshit.

However, I could not let this simple stranger see how his speech affected me. I could not let him see that he had touched a sore spot in my shell.

So with a simple arched eyebrow, I crossed my arms on my chest with attitude before changing my posture completely to approach the subject. "It looks like a pretty serious problem, neighbor."

"Steve. My name is Steve." He recalled unnecessarily as he resumed his confusion at my change of tone.

I raised my hands in surrender before shrugging my shoulders. "Whatever you want, Steve. "

"You're always so-"

"Irritating? A bother?" I suggested to him clearly relieved that the serious atmosphere seemed dissolved.

Steve frowned at my choice of adjective before crossing his broad biceps on his even wider chest with slight attitude. "I was going to say impertinent. "

"Afraid to say a bad word, huh?" I teased myself in spite of myself with a smirk smirking again at the blond with my mood swings.

He immediately gave me a disapproving look at my affront before shaking his head. "I can swear. I only learned that it was not appropriate in front of a dame... women."

At the agreement of his use of retro word, I simply could not help but leave a snort calling the blond immediately. "You say ... oh my ... say it again."

He narrows his blue eyes on me at the sight of my mocking expression before turning his head to the side letting me see a slight smile in spite of myself.

Unfortunately, the strangely relaxed atmosphere between us was soon interrupted by the sound of a notification from my phone. It reminded me why I was there in the first place. I immediately dialed my expression in a face of pure neutrality as I grabbed my phone in the pocket of my cargo pants before going through my connected system to see that Declan was in the building.

I immediately closed my phone before looking up at the Captain just to see that he already had his eyes intrigued on me. "Well, as interesting as this conversation is, I'm going to have to end it. I must leave now if I want to catch my target and correct your fuck up."

"My-what?" He exclaimed, seeming reluctant enough to cut the conversation short, it would seem before giving a look of recognition."Wait ... you'll follow this man."

I slammed my middle finger against my thumb in agreement before giving him a flat expression. "Yep. I should thank you for the extra work."

An expression of guilt immediately crossed his carved features before he took a step in my direction. "Wait. "

I frowned impatiently this time as I could see hesitation and uncertainty dancing behind his pupils. He seemed to glance over his shoulder as if he seemed to make a decision before turning back to me.

"I can come ?" He asked suddenly shy making me raise my eyebrows in surprise as he swallowed in embarrassment. "I mean ... it's my fault if you have to start your mission again. I must help you correct my mistake."

"I thought we had established that you were not the perfect gentleman they describe." I remember with an arched eyebrow raising a slight uncertain smile from the blond.

He raised his broad shoulders, resting his hands on his hips before reaching for his neck in embarrassment. "Some old habits are harder to get rid of, I suppose."

I wrinkled my lips as I really gave a thought to taking him with me before giving him a scrutinizing look from head to toe. I did not like working in a team. Hell, I had not had such a long conversation with a semi-stranger for years.

Nevertheless, there was something that made me entertain his proposal."What proves to me that you're not going to screw up yet?"

The Captain winced at my word choice again before shrugging his shoulders. "Nothing."

"I don't work in a team." I recollected as a way of dissuading myself from accepting this stupid idea.

"Well, we will not work as a team. I don't really know the job of a private detective. Let's say ... Well, if you accept, I'll go with you." He corrected, giving me an uncertain look before quickly grinning as he hastened to retrace his steps. "Or not. Because you absolutely have the right not to want me-"

"Oh god, just shut up." I muttered in annoyance as I rushed at the tall blonde before surprising us both as I closed my fingers around his wrist before pulling him with me.

It was a bad idea.