Humans were originally made to be naked. Did you know that? I mean, not just at night but like…all the time. I kid you not. Seriously, whatever happened to loin clothes and fig leaves? Something easy to move in and breathable…that's not too much to ask for, is it? I express this sentiment to Al, but instead of agreeing heartily with me, like he's supposed to, he laughs. And asks if I have my knickers in a twist.
"Oh, but I'd know if you did, wouldn't I, Rosie? I mean, you're trousers… they're just so tight," And he's off laughing again. Trust Al to find the humor in the obliteration of my dignity. I have half a mind to bring up what I shall now refer to in public as The Incident in the Common Room. But I'm the best sodding cousin and best mate ever, so I won't.
"Could you at least pretend to support me in my day of ruin?" I ask, not bothering to look at him, but rather concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Oh, and also breathing without popping the button off this denim corset. Seriously, all this thing is missing is some whale bone. Albus shrugs and stuffs his hands in his pockets.
"I wouldn't call this your day of ruin, Rosie. Look at everyone," he jerks his head in the general direction of the carriages, "and by everyone…I mean Malfoy." My cheeks heat up at his very name and I fight the urge to glance in his direction.
"Rosie, seriously. Look now or miss the best moment of your life forever."
"Oh, stop it Al," I retort, snapping my gaze to where Dominique has just gotten into a carriage, "there is no way Scorpius would ever…" I trail off as I take in his expression. Oh wow. He…he's staring. And not like, off into the distance or anything. Scorpius is actually staring at me, Rose Weasley, awkward and mousy lunatic extraordinaire. I feel like fire and ice is running through my veins as his eyes slowly drag over me.
But then again, the trousers could have just cut off all circulation. I wouldn't doubt it. I'm all tingly and nauseous. I am either hopelessly and ridiculously in love, or I have small pox. Considering there hasn't been an outbreak since we shimmied on over to America and infected their natives, I'm betting on the former.
"Nnnnrf," I manage to squeak out and my hand flies up towards my mouth in an effort to keep any other odd noises from coming out. I realize that my mouth has been hanging open unattractively right about the same time our eyes meet.
He looks like he's about to wet himself. And not in the mentally- challenged- I- can't- control- the- muscles- in- my- urethra kind of way. More like the I've-just-been-caught-doing-something-pervy-and-am-now-appropriately-shocked-slash-in-for-it kind of way.
I'd laugh in utter triumph if at that moment I didn't notice my mouth was still gaping with my hand awkwardly half way up in the air at the same moment he decided to become conscious of exactly what he was doing and glare AK-47's at my face.
"Scorpius are you coming or not," Dominique is whining from inside the carriage. I can't see her, but I can bloody well hear her. The boy in question takes a moment longer to radiate hate from his pores, and then gracefully climbs into the carriage behind her. I'm nearly jealous at his fluid movements. I've fallen out of those contraptions on more than one occasion.
"Of course, Dominique," And with that the little door snaps shut with an air of finality, signaling my moment of supposed glory is at an end. I can literally feel my face falling. I mean, I know my jaw was already familiarizing itself with the floor, but now my whole face is. I shouldn't be depressed about it. Not really. It's only my life and all.
"What a twat," Al mutters not very quietly while pulling me over closer to the dwindling string of carriages. Filch, Merlin knows how he's still alive; gives me a lecherous once over before deeming Al and I fit to proceed into a carriage. I shudder and Al looks appropriately uncomfortable.
"Right," I scowl, as our thestral powered buggy takes off, "this is ridiculous, and I've had it." I know Dominique is going to kill me for this, but things have gone too far. I seriously cannot spend another moment tarted up like this. All for a boy. Honestly, I should be shot by hairy feminists.
Better yet, they can induct me. I'll stop removing the hair from my pits and legs, I'll burn my bra and run about with my tits all exposed.
"Rosie?" Albus seems a little wary as I dig through Dom's bag with unnatural ferocity, the thought of my silky white bra on fire looming indiscreetly on the horizon.
"Shh!" I growl at him, not even feeling the tiniest bit of remorse. "Aha!" I yell in victory, "So I've found you my old friend," The hair tie makes a satisfying snap as I weave it through my hair and pull it tight.
"Oh, Rosie. You do know Dom is going to murder you, don't you?" I contemplate for a moment before pulling the hair band out and sliding it over my wrist.
"Yeah, I know. But that doesn't mean I still can't stick it to the man!" I cry, punching the small space of air above our heads. I nearly start singing about 'Suffering for Suffrage".
"You. Are. Retarded." Al sighs, leaning back into his seat. I shake my head at him. Another idea has hit me, cancelling out all liberated breasts related thoughts.
"Never fear Albus. I have a plan. Muah." I pretend to twirl a long black moustache with villainous intent.
"I reiterate," He grumbles into the plush interior.
"Don't you even want to know what it is?" I demand. If it was possible, I would have been standing, hands on my hips, toe tapping impatiently, as I attempted to tower over his six foot frame with my slightly shorter 5'3'' one. And trust me; if there are short women who can tower over ridiculously tall men, it's the Weasley-Granger women.
Mum can do it, Aunt Ginny's got it down pat, and Nana Weasley can probably cause Grandpa Weasley to have a hernia. We're skilled, what can I say. And Mum and I are the absolute best because we've managed to master it while sitting down. Oh, yes.
"I don't have a choice, do I?" Al groans at me. I tower menacingly from my seat for a little added effect.
"Alright, alright," He puts his hands up I surrender and I clap my hands excitedly. Al is simply divine. Always listening to me when I concoct brilliant schemes and calling silly blonde boys on their levels of twat-ness and douche bag-ary. But I digress.
"So," I begin, leaning forward conspiratorially, "I have a plan." He leans in too, humoring me whilst heavily rolling his eyes. I nudge him with my foot to cue him.
"Fine," He sighs," What's the plan, Rosie?" I let his half-heartedness go on the grounds that I'm a genius and he needs to hear the call of action, a mix between a hunting bugle and Batman saying, "To the bat mobile, Robin!". Or something.
"Right," I whisper, looking around us to make sure no one is listening in. I see Al smack his forehead out of the corner of my eye, but again, I say nothing. "I call it The Epic Rosie-Trouser Salvation." He looks at me like I'm asking him if I'd like to buy vitamins online. But I'm quite proud of the assignment name I've come up with so I ignore him, as per usual.
"Here's how it's going to go. Since I happen to be appropriately disguised it will be a simple task to infiltrate. Measures of stealth and precaution will still need to be taken, of course."
"Oh, of course," Al mutters. I silence him with a raised eyebrow. That's another charm I learned from mum. We call it "The Threatening-I-Think-I-Just-Pissed-My-Pants-And-Will-Now-Happily-Do-Whatever-You-Command-Eyebrow Maneuver". Albus nearly whimpers in his seat and I smirk. Check and mate.
"Okay, we disembark at the station," I start. "Then we quickly and succinctly make our way down the main street towards the Three Broomsticks. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's a bit risky with so many people but I'm well enough disguised that the mission shouldn't be compromised." I tap my fingers on my knees before continuing.
"Then, as we casually, but still quickly and succinctly, meander towards the downtown area, I will pause and stare in the window of Honeydukes. You will then complain loudly about going to Uncles George's shop. But you will not say 'Uncle George's Shop' under any circumstances, do you understand? My cover will be blown!"
"So, basically we're just walking around Hogsmeade like any other weekend?" I fight the urge to use a blood chilling combo of the towering while sitting and terrifying eyebrow maneuver.
"Then," I plow on, not even dignifying him with a response, "I'll get miffed with your whining, and say something along the lines of 'Well fine then. Go ahead to that silly joke shop. I'll be in Madam Malkins. Maybe if I feel like it I'll meet you at the Three Broomsticks after'. So I'll storm across the street, enter the store and buy a new pair of trousers with the galleons I nicked from Dom's trunk this morning." I finish, waiting for Albus' applause. It never comes.
"Well, what do you think?" I prompt, "We'd meet at the Three Broomsticks after, as I've said." I can see the corners of Al's lips twitching and the laughter he's trying to hold back.
"You're ridiculous, Rosie. Was there any reason you couldn't have just said: 'Hey, Al. Can we please hurry and buy me some new trousers when we get there because I can't breathe and all the blokes will be able to see a clear outline of my arse and thighs?'" I cross my arms and lean back into the carriage to sulk.
"I thought it was pretty good," I mutter into my chest. Al grins.
" Oh, it was. And we're going to do it, of course." I perk up a bit and grin at my cousin. He's top notch, really first rate. I'd even go as far to say 'bees knees'. I smile widely back at him. My mood has severely improved since my little run in this morning with Mr. McGorgeous and or Mr. McCold-as-Ice.
I pull back the little black curtain and peer out the window. We've nearly arrive and I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. We're out onto the snowy streets in no time at all, my boots crunching underneath me.
"And so it begins," Al whispers, a boyish grin etched into his features. Merlin, I adore that boy.
"Righto," I link my arm through his and we traipse, quickly and succinctly I might add, down the road. We're getting some stares, I won't lie. Enough for me to hastily remove my arm from Albus'. I certainly don't need any awkward rumors in the morning. Because, much to my dismay, I think people are actually recognizing me. I guess the fiery red hair is sort of a giveaway. And I thought we were being so stealthy.
I stop, right one cue, to gaze into the window of Honeydukes, taking time to look at the chocolate displays. I feel Albus taking a breath to begin his lengthy complaining, but right as he opens his mouth, someone beats him to it.
"Rosie! Great Scott, is that you?" Well if people didn't know who I was before, that loud shout of familiarity was enough to do it. I spin around, sliding some on the ice that's collected on the ground.
"Whoa, steady there," I look up into the grinning and somewhat stubbly face of one of my dearest friends.
"Hey, Teddy, you need a shave!" I call to him before hugging him tightly around the waist. Oh yes, Teddy Lupin, Uncle Harry's Godson and practically family. He's my favorite person that doesn't have the same blood as I do. No joke.
"You look good, Rosie. Different, but good," He grins, changing the color of his eyes as he speaks. I blush at his comment.
"Well, Dominique got to me. But I'm on the way to Madame Malkins as we speak to invest in some new trousers with some money that I pinched off of her." He ruffles my hair affectionately.
"That's my girl," I beam with pride up at him.
"Did you get my latest letter," I prod. He nods solemnly.
"I know I didn't respond, but things have been busy at the Ministry…" Teddy's an auror and a total badass one to boot. But I frown in worry.
"Anything I should be worrying about?" Albus laughs beside me.
"Aw, come on Rosie. Ted can handle anything petty criminals throw at him." Albus is in awe of our 23 year old adoptee almost as much as I am. Teddy laughs appreciatively.
"Thanks, Al. But it's more the paperwork I've been bogged down under. Good times." He checks his watch.
"You two wouldn't have time for a butterbeer would you? On me?" I look wistfully down the road where I know Madam Malkins is waiting with a soft pair of jeans that would hang loosely on my hips.
"Well, I did sort of need those trousers…" I taper off.
"Look, Rosie, as a guy, take it from me. Keep the jeans." He winks and my face puts my hair to shame.
"Teddy Lupin, that's enough out of you." He and Al chortle to themselves as I seethe in embarrassment. Are the pants really that noticeable? I'm getting used to them I guess. I'm taking shallower breaths and whatnot.
"Teddy!" I hear a screech from behind me and pull my hands tightly over my ears. Dearest Dumbledore what was that? I peek over my shoulder and nearly choke on the air I'm trying to force into my lungs. Dominique and Scorpius. Scorpius and Dominique. They're standing like…right behind me. I spin quickly so I'm next to Teddy. I hope the feeling that I'm shaking is only mental. Teddy puts a hand discreetly on my elbow as he grins at Dom. I guess it wasn't then.
"Dominique, lovely to see you. Great Scott, you've grown again, haven't you?" That's another great thing about Ted. His endearing use of the phrase 'Great Scott'. Yeah, someone watched a few too many BBC dramas as a kid. He gives her a one armed hug and I feel a little smug. He totally likes me better. Teddy takes a good hard look at Dominique and the present company.
"So, who's your friend, Dominique?" His tone is curious, yet slightly cold. Pfft, like he doesn't know. I've only written to him every day of term since first year about Scorpius Malfoy. But I love him for not being obvious about it.
"Oh, how silly of me," Dom titters, "This is Malfoy, my boyfriend." The corners of Teddy's lips turn down a fraction of a millimeter. I doubt anyone notices but me.
"Malfoy is it? Pleasure," He holds out a hand and the two shake stiffly.
"Lupin, am I correct?" The smooth tones of Scorpius' voice send a shiver down my spine. And I happen to know it's not the arctic draft seeping in through the thin layer of my jacket. I stare at him shamelessly.
"Thought you weren't going to Hogsmeade, Weasley," I hear him say awkwardly. I see a semblance of courtesy here and Dominique is looking smug, so this must have been at her demand. Even so, I turn pink at the attention.
"Erm, I wasn't. But I needed a few things." I think about the looser pair of pants that are sure to be hanging on a rack in Madame Malkins. There are a thousand other things I'd love to talk about with Scorpius right now, preferably alone. However, this tiny little conversation has me soaring on the highest cloud.
"Right. Well, we better go. Right, Dominique?" Dom turns to him and smiles.
"Of course, honey." I practically gag out loud and hack up something undesirable onto the snow. I can see Al is snickering and Teddy has changed his eyes to a creepy red as he surveys Scorpius. I think I just saw Scorpius gulp. When Teddy turns back to Dominique his eyes are back to blue.
"Tell Vic she better owl me from Paris tonight!" Dom nods as she is pulled away by Scorpius who looks over his shoulder one last time.
"Oh, Weasley?" He calls out and my eyes widen. He's addressing me. Oh, crap what do I do? Should I look him in the eye? No, I'll be buggered for sure then. I'll turn into a horrible puddle of mush. But I do it anyways, eyes wide in question.
"Nice trousers," He smirks, and with that he and my cousin disappear around a corner.
"Told you so," Teddy leans forward and whispers in my ear. I jump a mile high, I swear to you.
"Did that just happen?" I whisper back. I look first at Teddy, then at Al, then back again to Teddy. They both nod, as I begin to fully understand.
Yeah, Scorpius Malfoy, boy of my dreams, has checked me out. Twice. And he's liked it. I take back everything I said about these jeans. They are beautiful and lovely and who cares if I can't breathe and or want to die when I wear them? It's all worth it if Scorpius ogles my arse. Twice. And likes it.
I mean, I'm still never wearing them again. Well, maybe just on special occasions. Can you blame me for liking the attention? I think not. Scorpius is only the most amazing person in the world that's not related to me. Besides Teddy of course.
"You still in there Rosie Rose?" I hear Teddy ask as he puts a hand to my forehead.
"I think she's gone into shock. Or a catatonic state," Al doesn't sound worried at all. If I really had gone catatonic that boy better be at my bedside praying for my soul. Because Lord knows with all the thoughts I've had about Scorpius Malfoy in correlation with my pants, well I need all the help I can get. But I digress.
I let out a giggle, very unlike me if you know anything, and throw my arms around Teddy's neck. Also, so very unlike me. Poor Teddy stands there awkwardly (That's usually my role. Huh, who knew?) and sort of patted me on the back.
"Alright there, Rosie Red?" He's got at least a dozen little nicknames for me. Sweet really. I feel like it's his presence here that has brought me and Scorpius together at last. Okay, sure Scorpius and I aren't really together in any sense of the word, but hey, don't rain on my parade. I mean, he totally spoke to me like a minute ago. If that's not progress I don't know what is.
"Rose Hermione Weasley!" A deep voice booms and I turn from my position, which is currently draped around my older mate. I look a little bit down the road and in the words of Teddy, Great Scott! My parents, my freaking parents are standing there, Dad weighed down with shopping bags. Or at least he was. They're now strew about his feet as he has seemed to become very shocked and angry and agitated all in one second.
My mum is kind of shaking her head at him. I might have even heard her mutter, "Oh, Ronald," but I can't be sure.
"Young lady," He yells, while striding over, "just what do you think you're doing?" I've already removed myself from the slightly misleading position it was in. I know how this looks to him. I mean, Teddy Lupin has been around our family forever and Dad knows he's mad about Victoire, but at the same time, he's really the only non family male I relate with. And that's got Dad's wand in a proverbial knot.
"H-hey, Uncle Ron," Teddy stutters. Dad is breathing pretty heavily and I notice where he's looking.
"What in the hell are you wearing?"
"Er, listen, Dad," I start but somehow find myself unable to finish. He looks like he's waiting for some kind of…explanation. And a good one too.
Oh, piss on a stick am I in for it now.