CHAPTER THREE: THE FIRST CUT IS THE
DEEPEST
Six Months Ago:
MARISSA:
I closed my locker. Everything was dark. And this was just the beginning. There was no end, there is just the start and the middle. I could spell the cheap cologne and perfume lingering in the hallway becoming one as it burned my nostrils. I could hear distant footsteps in the back of my mind, like an echo. It was Sophia.
"Find a date for the spring fling yet? I have, he is so cute and he's a sophomore.", Sophia asked in a giddy and upbeat tone. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes.
Having different guys dream about having them. I have learned to live with the fact that I'm not exactly popular or beautiful, I mean, who is? I have never been much for guys, they are all awful. They all break your heart, no matter what. The bad guys lie to you to get in your bed, but the good guys lie to get in your heart. Either way, you lose.
"No. Apparently, guys don't want to go to the spring fling with some tragic, juvenile, foster girl.", I said answering Sophia's ridiculous question.
"That's not true. You can't help guys being a little distant. Plus, guys usually are offended by girls that are naturally tougher than them."
"Count me out."
"Come on. This dance will be fun. Plus, won't it look good to your parole officer. This could get you out of probation which means we could go to Paris with grandma and grandpa Foster for the summer."
"Sorry, but I don't think that's gonna happen, Soph. I have probation for the next year."
We started to head to class. When we walked into the classroom I felt my legs stop, but my mind kept on walking. I saw him, we both did. His name was Cameron Sanders. He was a hockey player. Sophia has always had a crush on him.
"The youngest NHL player? Here?", Sophia asked sounding like a practically teenage girl.
I looked at him and he was quite handsome. His big brown eyes and his perfect skin. We were both around the same height. I felt his eyes moving closer and I looked around from his glance.
We rushed to our seats as we saw Mrs. Fucinelli walk in. "Good morning, class. This is our new student, Cameron Sanders." The whole class clapped and I couldn't help but smile.
"Would anyone like to show him around and guide him after school?", she asked looking around for people to raise their hand.
I felt a pinch at my arm and a nail digging in. I quickly moved my arm up and looked at Sophia. "Ow!"
Thank you, Marissa. It's very considerate of you to volunteer your time. Why don't you sit in that free seat next to Marissa?", Fucinelli suggested.
"Alright.", he muttered. God, even his voice sounded amazing.
I smiled at him and he smiled back. I had to resist myself from staring deep into those brown orbs. I took my glance off him and looked at Sophia who was smirking at us.
"Why did you pinch me? That really hurt.", I exclaimed.
"I need you to help him and tell him about me. Cameron and I are going to be besties. Just watch.", she explained.
I nodded my head sarcastically. Just friends? "Are you sure you'll just be besties?", I asked.
"We'll see.", she said cockily.
JESUS:
I walked into the bedroom. Sophia was brushing her hair as she looks at herself in the mirror. Sophia sighs and goes over to her bed.
"Do you have any clue to where Marissa might be?", I asked as she began to pack her school bag.
She scoffed. "I don't know where she is and really considering everything she had done to us and this family at the moment, I couldn't care any less." She stormed off and got her books from her desk and slammed them into her bag.
"How can you say that with such a straight face? Huh? She has never done anything spiteful. She's our sister and she's missing."
"It's always Marissa. Never me. It's always Marissa."
"Ok, this isn't the time for your spew for attention, Soph. She I missing. What if mom and dad file a missing person report? Don't you care?"
"Not really."
"How can you be so heartless?"
"Marissa was planning to leave.", Sophia stated.
"What?", I asked sitting down on her bed. She was planning to leave? As in run away? Sophia sighed and crossed arms.
"She was going to go to this school called Keaton. I looked it up and it's the #1 private school in the country. I overheard her talking about it last night to mom and dad after she came home late.", Sophia explained. She was planning to go to another school? That is why she's upset. Girls are so crazy.
"I wonder why she didn't tell us.", I said, trying to sound worried.
"Yeah. I confronted her last night. I overheard her talking to mom and dad last night after she came home late. They were saying how they thought she shouldn't go and she yelled at them saying that she hated them. My guess is that she snuck out.", Sophia added staring at her feet.
"I guess she just needed time to think and just went to Lexi or Cole or Kelsey's house for the night to let things cool off."
"Alright. Can you go now?", Sophia asked as I stood up.
"Can I just ask you something first?", I asked as I put my hands in my pocket looking down at her in seriousness.
"...Sure."
"The weirdest thing happened to me last night. I went to go take my pills and there was barely any left. Isn't that just a little strange?", I asked implying the thought of someone taking m pills. I saw her eyes wander down and her eyes hit the floor.
She smiled and looked at me. "Well, pill bottles don't refill themselves. So, I'd say it's normal."
"I'm not finished. Mom just got me a refill yesterday. I sure as hell know that I'm not losing my mind and think that I'm seeing things that aren't there. Then, I thought what could be a reason why my pills are almost all gone, then I thought about all that money you had, oh, and I found your earring by the basket.", I explained to her as I handed Sophia her earring. "Now please reassure me that you didn't sell my ADHD medication? I sure as hell know that you didn't get all that money from mom and dad or maybe you did. Why don't we go ask them?", I said as I started to walk off.
I felt her tiny hand grip my arm and I looked back. "Fine!", Sophia yelled.
She sat back down on the bed with her hands in her lap as she looks down unable to look at me in the eyes, to tell the truth. I saw the guilt and the pain from that guilt.
"Why the hell would you do something this risky? Do you know how illegal this is?", I scowled. "Especially since dad is a cop. Did you even think about how much trouble you could have gotten into if you had gotten caught? Did you even think of the consequences?"
"Of course I did! I just needed the money!"
"Why would you need all that money? Are you like in a gang or lose at poker or lose a bet or something? Are you like a pimp or something? Cause if that's what the issue was you knew that gambling or any of that stuff is dangerous just look at Will."
"A gang? Gambling? A pimp? Really? A pimp?"
"Sophia, I'm serious. Why would you need all that money for?"
"I'll tell you. But you need to promise me that you won't tell another soul. I met with Anna."
"Anna as in our birth mother?", I asked as I sat down on the bed.
"Why do you sound so confused?"
Confused? She abandoned us! "You met with a woman who abandoned us? I guess you missed the part where she did that. Do you remember how hard it was when she was around? Just because she was there doesn't mean it was still a stable environment. Remember when she came home with 2 different guys a night? Remember when she would use to drink, gamble and smoke in our faces?! Remember when she used us for her poker bids to see if any of the other players were bluffing or not!", I explained as I heard my own voice screeching at her.
Sophia just rolled her eyes again. "Why would you even consider meeting her after what she did to us? Why the hell would you consider it, Sophia?"
"This is why I don't tell you things, Jesus. I know you'll blow things out of proportions and make a huge deal out of nothing."
"Huge deal out of nothing?! Do you even hear yourself?! You are basically a drug trafficker, Soph!"
"Why don't you yell louder so the whole neighborhood can hear you?!"
"Do you even hear yourself? You sold my medication to our addict of a mother."
"I didn't sell her your medication. I sold your medication to people at school including Kelsey. That's why I had all that money."
"Why did you even meet her? You told mom that you didn't want to."
"I lied, Jesus! Sometimes it's easier to lie than, to tell the truth."
"And in this case? What you'll just keep lying to mom and dad? They'll be so infuriated with you. You won't win their forgiveness if they ever found you've had contact with Anna."
"Sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission."
"So, what you figured that if they gave you permission to talk to Anna, it would be easier to break the news to them?" You are freakin' unbelievable. She was never a mother to us and she never will be one to us ever.", I scowled as I began to walk off.
"Yeah, Jesus. She is going through a rough time. She is trying to get better.", Sophia tried to explain. I stopped and looked back.
"No, Soph. She doesn't deserve our pity because she'll never get better. Once an addict, always an addict."
"She's our mother."
"No! Lena is our mother. She was too irresponsible to have sex and she got pregnant. We were mistakes!", I yelled. Maybe if I say it, maybe I won't believe it, but deep down I know we were.
"How can you say that?", she asked sounding beaten as her voice cracked.
"Because it's the truth which is really easy to say, by the way." She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Why did you lie?"
"Because I didn't want mom and dad to stick their noses in my business because they would never understand. Anna needed money. This why I didn't tell you because you wouldn't understand."
"Understand? Understand what?", I asked as I rushed over to her desk. I reached for her bulletin board and pulled the picture of all three of us down and ran back over to her to shove in her face.
"Understand that Anna, the person who was supposed to love us and nurture us and didn't. She's not our mom and she never will be. A mom doesn't leave her only children for the wolves. A mom doesn't leave her children just to run off with some dumbass and screw around with whoever she wants. She left us!", I scowled out of anger as I felt my fingers quickly rip the picture in half. Sophia's eyes are watery. "She abandoned us!"
"Well, she came back for good.", Sophia added.
I couldn't help but scoff. Anna, our birth mom, left us. "Unbelievable. I always thought that you were always supposed to be the smart one out of the both of us." I said as I threw the picture on the ground and stormed off.
MARISSA:
I was sitting by the window. The sky was a new shade of blue, an inventive type of blue. I have never seen the blue. Fifty shades of blue, literally. Kelsey is typing and finishing homework on her laptop.
I looked down and I could smell her disgusting cinnamon, pumpkin tri latte. I felt my stomach fighting against me.
"I can't believe you like those frufru named coffee drinks.", I said as I took a sip of my regular old coffee.
"I love my cinnamon almond milk macchiato, thank you very much.", she said as she took a gulp from her drink.
"Whatever. I'm gonna stick to my normal named coffee, thank you very much.", I stated, taking another sip from my mug. "Yum."
"So, what happened? Why did you have to sneak out?", Kelsey asked, closing her laptop, clearly interested. I sighed looking away, trying to avoid to answer her.
"I just need to think for myself for once. I hate having no say in what to do. I understand that they only want what's best for me, but keeping me from what I want for once isn't the best for me. I just want some freedom and I feel like I'm trapped under a boulder and doing this is setting me free. Now, I can wait for someone to push the boulder off or cut my arm off from the pain. I want to go to Keaton and just because of that bitch, Zoe, I can't go there now and the worst part of all is that the person I need the most to stand by me is pissed off because I wanted to do something for myself. Everyone says 'Marissa, don't be so selfless, you are missing on so many opportunities' or 'Marissa, there are some things that you have to do for yourself'. Now, Sophia is mad because I want to go to a school that will not only help with my education but helps my future. I have never wanted anything more and when I need her here, she is mad because this contradicts her so-called happiness or whatever."
"Yeah, but here's a thing, you're not doing something you want, you're running away from something you don't want instead. Going to Keaton is what you want, right? But you are running to stand still and so sorry to burst your bubble, but this won't help you get back onto your parent's good side."
"I just need people especially Sophia to stop trying to run my life 24/7. I need some control over what I do or say and I need my parents to believe me and put their trust in me. Like, come on. You should have seen the way they looked at me as if I were a junky or... Someone I'm clearly not or don't want to be. It just hurt and this is what I need right now after everything."
"Don't worry. Sophia will come around. She always does. Just give it some time.", Kelsey said to comfort me. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. "You know once they realize you're gone, they'll have to tell your probation officer, right?"
"Calm down, Kelsey. That's only if I ran away."
"What really happened?"
"When I got home, my mom and dad were there. Instead of good cop and bad cop, it was bad cop and even more-bad cop. I smelled like marijuana and then my mom said that if I was going to act like this then I shouldn't transfer to Keaton. I was so angry at her. She has no idea how hard it was for dad to beg his parents for a loan and she has the audacity to say that especially in front of him. I have a year left of my probation then I am free forever. Who's to say that this will be only the only opportunity I'll ever get? I took it a little too far with last night, I mean. Somethings were said. Something's I said were said. I said that I hated her.", I explained as I rested my head down on the table.
"Wow. That's a bit harsh. Did you really mean it?"
I instantly looked up. "No. I love Lena and Mike. They are my parents despite what any biology has to say, I contradict it. I said I hated her... That's why I can't go back. I can't look her in the eyes without feeling guilty. She's the woman who took me in when no one else wanted me and I told her that I hated her."
"It's gonna be ok, Marissa. Everything is gonna be ok again."
"Just ok?"
The waitress walked over and then dropped off the check. Before Kelsey had even had the chance to grab the check, I snatched it from the middle of the table where the waitress left it.
I smirked at her. Kelsey sighed. I took out my wallet and then David's card fell out.
"Isn't that guy from the concert's credit card? I thought you would have mailed it out by now.", Kelsey stated as she finished her coffee.
"His name is David.", I corrected as I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "I thought I would mail it out this afternoon. I don't want to run into mom or dad."
"Ooh, you like him?", Kelsey said in a childish voice like a 7th grader.
"I didn't say that.", I muttered trying to hide my blush.
"You didn't have to. He is trouble. You know that, right? I told Sophia, you have one of the worst taste in guys.", Kelsey explained. I could tell from the look on her face that instantly regretted what she said.
I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. I sighed as I looked away. I sifted in my seat and didn't say anything. I could feel her guilty stare on me and I just brushed it off. Everyone has been walking on eggshells since April. I just wish that people would just see that I'm ok, or at least trying to be.
"It's nice to see you looking for someone especially everything you went through this year.", Kelsey added. She gave me a genuine smile and I nodded.
I thought the worst part of losing someone you care about, is thinking that you will never be able to meet someone else, someone to make you feel like the sun was something that person made in their toolshed.
"Yeah.", I agreed.
I felt my phone buzz against my leg. I reached down into my pocket and grabbed my phone out. It was Jesus.
I sighed and answered as I held the phone to my ear. "Hello?", I answered.
"Where the hell are you?", Jesus scowled. I nearly jumped. I could tell Kelsey could hear the conversation.
"Hey, Jesus. I'm with Kelsey at the Starbucks by the school.", I said answering his question.
"Come home. Mom and dad are freaking out. You know this won't help with you trying to go to Keaton.", Jesus explained.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. Before Jesus could even utter another word, hung up and threw my phone back in my pocket.
"Don't you think that maybe this is a little much? Your dad is a cop he can get a search team to find you.", Kelsey said.
"I just told Jesus where I was. Now, they don't have to panic. My mom already thinks that I'm turning into some badass, why not act like a badass.", I suggested with a smirk.
"Well, I have to get to school. Not all of us can be badasses.", Kelsey said as she began to pack up her stuff.
"Wait, can you drop me off somewhere? You'll just be a little late.", I said trying to stop her.
"Sure. Where?"
"Beverly Hills.", I answered as I looked back at her. She sighed hesitantly. Beverly Hills was only a half an hour away. "Please? You owe me. I didn't say anything to your parents about the little party you had or your little crush on Mr. Turner.", I negotiated.
She sighed and crossed her arms. "Fine."
Four months ago:
I felt Jesus' leg shaking against mine. I could tell from the look on his face that he was worried. Doctors were rushing around as we waited for Cameron.
"Don't worry. He's gonna be ok. He has to be ok, I mean.", I said as I looked over to him trying to calm him down.
"Yeah, if he's seriously injured this could ruin the entire hockey season. Goodbye NHL. Hello, janitor job for me.", Jesus said loudly.
I felt the slight revolt in my stomach as I listened to him. I felt my eyes drifting over to him. I couldn't believe him. I had to fight the urge of giving him a dirty look.
I felt my friends come in. Sophia, Kelsey, Cole, and Lexi. Cole has been my best friend since I even came to Lakewood. He is like me, he isn't perfect and knows it. When his mother was pregnant, the father, Dan, left and went to play college basketball. He was known as the bastard spawn, but then found out that he was merely replaced by another kid when he found out his father got another girl pregnant but didn't run away from them.
I ran up and Cole and Sophia hugged me.
"How is he?", Sophia asked.
"I don't know. The doctor hasn't told us anything yet.", I said trying not to cry. I could hear my voice breaking. Cole hugged me.
"It's going to be ok.", he said trying to calm me down.
"What even happened?", Lexi asked.
"He fell off the railing in the stairway and we found him unconscious. Sometimes the guys and our hang out there. The guys act like idiots sometimes. He was probably just messing around. Thanks to him, the season is over.", Jesus complained as he rose from his seat. "I can reassure him that he'll most likely be out for most of the hockey season and without him, no scouts will come and I need this."
I felt the knot in my stomach uncoiling. I stomped over to him. "Do you even hear yourself?! Are you kidding me? That's all you care about? Your best friend is unconscious and that's all your worried about.", I scowled as he rolled his eyes, not even feeling guilty about what he said.
He walked away. Out of nowhere, the blue doors open and it was Cam and his doctor. I nearly jumped at the sight. He had a few bruises and scratches on his face. He had a royal blue cast on his arm which wrapped up in a sling.
Jesus raced over to him. "Doctor, is he going to be ok? Can he still play hockey?"
"He'll survive. He may have a mild concussion, but it's nothing to worry about. He also broke his arm. The bone is shattered in 3 spots.", the doctor explained trying to ease Jesus.
"What about hockey? How long will it be until I can play again?", Cam asked.
"At the least 6 weeks and at the most 9 weeks. The most important thing for you now is to get better and to let your arm heal.", the doctor suggested.
"Alright.", Cam nodded in agreement.
I looked over at Cam and saw him smirk to himself as the doctor walked away. For the past few weeks, he was upset because we haven't been spending as much time together because of hockey. He said that he just wanted time off, now I guess has an out.
CAM:
I looked ahead and I saw Marissa and her friends. Jesus was glaring at me. I knew I risked the season. The doctor walked off and Marissa jumped in my arms. Her scent was intoxicating, some kind flower and vanilla. Every day I am with her I fall in love with her more.
She eventually pulled back and a stray tear was going down her face. I cupped her face and washed away the tear with my thumb.
"I was so worried about you. How are you? Are you hurt?", she asked.
I sighed and gulped down the truth. "I'm fine. Look, don't worry about me. I'm sorry I missed our lunch date. I had to study for some major test.", I explained trying to change the subject.
"It's ok. As long as you're ok, I'm ok. Are you? Ok?"
I looked into those big, shiny, beautiful, blue orbs and I could feel the words trying to leave my mouth, but I had to force them back into their cage. "Yeah...I'm perfectly fine."
"What happened?"
I really don't remember what happened. It only came back in pieces. The doctor said that I hit my head really bad. "I slipped. I was leaning against the railing and I just slipped. Nothing to freak about.", I explained.
"Cam. You can't-fool me. I thought we were going, to be honest with each other from now on. What's the point if you're just going to lie to me?"
"What? I'm telling the truth.", I said as I heard my tone becoming aggravated.
Marissa sighed and pulled me away further. "You said that you wanted to find a way to get kicked off the team and now you almost are.", she explained in a whisper.
"Come on, Mary. I'm not some loser who hurts themselves.", I said trying to ease her pain.
"Alright then.", Marissa said trying to believe me, but I knew she didn't She sighed and we began to walk off until it hit me like a brick. I remember what happened.
I was sitting against the railing with a beer can in my hand. I had been drinking. The practice ran long and Marissa's wouldn't answer my calls. I looked around and no one was around.
The stairway was creepy. It was dark and dirty, though it is renovated. I walked from the railing to the door and looked out the little window and the hallway was abandoned. I walked back to the railing and looked down at the ground to see the 10-foot drop.
I began to rethink everything. Thought about jumping. The thought of my head hitting the ground and then everything would over. The thought of not being here and the pain in my heart just fading away like it never happened.
Out of nowhere, a group of girls came running in, giggling. They looked at me and didn't even hesitate. They left laughing.
I feel numb. I feel like I am going through this tunnel and at the end is happiness, but the farther I travel the longer the tunnel gets and the thought of happiness at the end feels like a mirage.
I reached for the railing. I felt my legs move over the railing to the other side and I felt the other leg do the same. I counted in my head and I got to one.
I felt my hands release the metal railing. It felt like an eternity before I hit the floor.
I was free.
JESUS:
The loud music was pounding in my ears. I headed over to my locker. I heard the familiar whining of Danny Masterson. Captain of the wrestling team. I looked back to what suspected victim he has had his perverted eyes and undivided attention on.
It was Lexi Chavo. One of Sophia's best friends. I had a crush on her when I was around 13, but I brushed it off. We actually became friends, but Sophia would kill us if she ever found out. She had a problem with me invading her social circle and, I guess, Lexi was a huge gap in her circle. Lexi was nice, smart, kind, and popular. She was known for people a good, little Catholic. Her parents are religious freaks, they would probably make you say a prayer to enter their house. I mean, they were bad but not as bad as the movie Carrie.
Danny had followed her from the end of the corridor to her locker. She was rejecting him like a balanced credit card. I stayed at my locker, listening to their conversation, hoping they wouldn't notice.
"How about tonight? We could go see that band at The Seven. My treat.", Danny proposed.
"No, Danny.", Lexi said as if it were a daily ritual. Probably was.
"What about tomorrow night?", he suggested. Damn, this guy could not take a hint.
I heard her groan in frustration and she slammed her locker. She looked at him with a plastic smile. "No, Danny. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm not interested in you.", she let out. You saw his reaction go from intrigued to infuriated real quickly.
"Damn, why do you have to be such a bitch?!", he scowled.
I felt my stomach revolt and the nerves in my body run away from me. I looked up and saw Danny closing in on her. I could feel the blood pump through my veins. I felt this need inside of me to do something. I jumped and ran over in front of her. I could feel her breathing on my neck, I could feel her hot breath blowing against the hair on my neck. Danny quickly backed up.
"Leave her alone.", I ordered.
"Yeah, and what are you going to do if I don't leave her alone?", he said with a devious and predictable smirk.
I scoffed as he stroked Lexi's hair by her left ear. I felt my nerves contradicting me.
"I might do this.", I scowled as I felt my arms push Danny. He almost fell to the ground but caught his balance.
He scoffed and was laughing. "And I might do this.", he responded as he pushed me back and I fell to the ground.
I quickly got up. We were both ready to fight as I clenched my fists and raised them as he did as well. One part inside of me felt ridiculous.
"Yeah, come at me, crackhead!", Danny scowled.
I was diagnosed with ADHD. People knew people knew I took medication for it too. Some people called me a crackhead and some called me popper. I felt all the blood in my veins run cold. I looked at him and I could feel my eyes turn darker. I felt my legs running before me. I tackled him to the ground. I was on top and I started punching him.
I heard Lexi screeching in the background for us to stop and I saw people crowding around us, no one stopping us.
Danny pushed me off him and he started punching me. I saw above us someone grip Danny off of me and I saw someone pull me up off the ground.
It was Henry. "Foster's Office! Now!", he scowled.
CAM:
Someone said that "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we're still alive." I just hope that's true.
The day where everything my heart shattered was today. It was a normal day like others, but different in another way.
It was spirit week. The school throws a fundraiser for charities. Each grade has to play part in the clash of the classes which is a game against the freshman, sophomores, juniors, and seniors.
I had a red bandanna on my head. I looked to the left and I saw the most beautiful girl in the world, Marissa. She had a green bandanna. She always had the biggest smile in the world. She had the prettiest blue eyes you could look at. She always had this warm feeling that made you always want to be around her.
I smiled at her and she smiled back. I felt my smile drift when I saw him. He tapped her shoulder and she looked back at the popular, 'hot', brooding, blue-eyed, Cole Sawyer. They have been best friends since forever. They have always been close friends.
I felt my stomach grow sick. I clenched my fists. They were both smiling and talking. I hated the fact that he was one of the few people besides me who could make her smile. I felt my heart crawl up my throat and felt it rapidly beating. I felt the blood in my veins boil.
I felt the anger flow from me as I saw her turn around and face away as he tied the bandanna around her forehead.
I looked over and saw Jesus aside me. The referee blew his whistle and everyone got to their positions.
"Cam, you ready?", I heard Jesus ask.
I was looking right into Cole's eyes and he didn't see the anger within me. No one did. I saw him glance back at Marissa as well did I. She smiled at me, I saw her innocence.
I looked at the referee and he blew his whistle. I looked back at Cole and I felt my elbow reach forward and clam into Cole's eye.
"Fight me!", I screamed over and over again.
I felt my fists plunging into Cole's face and I could feel the dents it left. He was trying to push him off me. I couldn't only hear my yelling and Marissa's as she yelled for me to stop. I felt a flip switch and I heard everything.
I lifted my fists from his bloody face. Cole was on the ground with his hand clung to his face, cringing in pain. I heard the gymnasium filled with gasps and whispers. I stopped and looked around. Marissa was on the ground looking at Cole, pushing me away. The referee fan over.
Marissa, Cole, Jesus and I were dragged to Mrs. Foster's office. It was dead silent between the four of us. I could feel them all glaring at me. Marissa was icing Cole's face.
"What the hell happened out there in the gym?", Lena scowled after slamming her office door shut. I shuddered in fear.
I looked back to Marissa and she was looking at me in fear. I went to go touch her shoulder, but she moved away from my touch. I could tell she was scared.
Before I could say anything, Jesus spoke up. "I don't know. All I saw was Cole started the fight.", Jesus said as he looked at me and nodded his head. He wanted me to lie. It had only been a few days since my arm healed.
"Cole?", Lena asked looking at him.
Cole scoffed. "It wasn't me considering I'm the one with the black eye.
"I just want the truth.", mom scowled.
"Well, I guess my arm just slipped.", Cole lied. I stood there for a second. I have never lied about something like this. It just slipped out of my mouth as if I were telling the truth. It sounded so genuine.
"That's bullshit and you know it!", Cole said slamming the icepack on the desk revealing his black eye and gashes.
"It happens!", I defended.
"That is horse shit and you know it! You are just jealous because I was hanging with your little girlfriend."
"Get over yourself.", I scowled.
I looked over and I saw Marissa, completely embarrassed.
"Ok, fine. Why did you keep yelling at me to fight you?", he asked as he stepped closer to me.
"That's enough!", Lena scowled. I felt shivers go down my spine. I shook my head and scoffed, brushing what he said off.
"Marissa, do you have anything to say about all this?", Lena asked, looking at her.
I looked over at Marissa who evidently looked back at me. She was looked torn and I looked at her with hope. I could tell she sensed my hope. She looked back at her mom who was put on edge. I saw her gulp.
"I don't know what exactly happened, all I know is that it was like a flip in Cameron switched. He just lost it.", she admitted. I felt my heartbreak. She ratted me out.
"Cameron initiated the altercation?", Lena asked trying to specify the situation.
Marissa looked back at me with regret and disappointment within her eyes. "Yeah.", she said looking away.
"Well, Mr. Sanders, you are going to have an in-school suspension and you are off the hockey team for the rest of the season.", Lena stated.
"Mom.", Jesus said looking at her.
"I'm sorry, sweetie.", Lena stated.
Jesus scoffs and storms off. I heard him mumbling calling her names that if I said I would have soap put in my mouth. Lena stormed off as well as Cole.
I looked down and Marissa was sitting there in shock. She was staring in space. I sat down next to her and I put my hand on her shoulder. She quickly removed it.
"Marissa-", I began to say as Marissa cut me off.
"Don't.", she said so, softy. I saw a tear run down her soft skin. I hate the fact that I made her cry.
I cupped her face and used my thumb to remove the stray tear. "Marissa, I don't know what to say."
"Believe me, Cam. You really don't want to say anything now.", she said as she pushed me away and ran off.
"Tell me what I can do to make this better.", I said, wanting her, and her forgiveness.
"Answer this for me. Did you intentionally shatter your arm to get off the hockey team? Is Cole right? Have you actually lost it? I've seen people go insane.", she asked.
For the past few weeks, I have been thinking more and more about that day. Was I just messing around and what I saw was just a mirage or was I suicidal? But I began to feel like wanting to do it again and again but imagined if I never woke up or just pictured the world differently without.
"Yeah.", I admitted. I took a deep breath. I looked and saw Marissa close her eyes as another tear ran away from her lids. "I'm sorry about what happened. I was just jealous."
"No. You scare me! I told you this before. Cole is one of my oldest friends. I told you this. We are just friends. Yes, he told me he loved me, but as a friend, as he brother. The fact is that I trust you completely, but you can't trust me... I can't be with someone who can't trust me, because I need someone to trust me, because if you can't trust me then you can't want me. I want to want someone who will want me back. I can't be with someone like you! You scare me! That wasn't jealousy. That was craziness.", she scowled as she began to cry. I felt her heart ache and the pain in her eyes intensify.
Marissa ran out of there and I heard her sobbing. Part of me wanted to let her go and cool down, the rest of me wanted to have her in my arms.
That's what I am, craziness. I felt a groan leave my mouth. Not only did Marissa leave, but she left me.
I felt my hands rest against the desk. I took a deep breath. I could not feel anything but anger and contempt.
MIKE:
It was warmer today. I was accompanied by Stephanie. It started out as a quiet morning, now it will be a quiet and awkward morning.
"So, Will called.", I said trying to break the awkward and dead silence. "Yeah, he was all upset about being grounded."
"Yeah, and?", Stephanie asked as if there were anything else I had to say. I looked over to her and sighed.
"It's just, I have full custody of him. I... I mean, you only see him on weekends. I am his father. Who the hell put you in charge of my son?", I said trying to explain the point.
I heard her scoff and I looked over to find her glaring at me. "What are you talking about? And the last time I checked we were both his parents. Not you and that replacement you got.", Stephanie scowled. I stepped on the break and I didn't care where we were.
"I'm his father and I have legal custody. I was willing to do this "every weekend visit thing", but considering what happened. I think it would be safer...I just think he should stay with me. None of these weekend visits.", I compromised explaining my position in this situation.
"What are you talking about?"
"It doesn't matter. Lena and I have decided to not ground Will.", I stated.
"I already told him he was grounded. Mike, this is a way for him to learn that his actions have consequences. Now he knows what mistakes are harmless and mistakes that are perilous.", she explained. I scoffed and realized that she was right. I felt torn. I didn't think he needed to be grounded, but there should be a boundary between right and wrong.
I rushed into the house leaving the front door open for Stephanie. I rushed to the kitchen. I could smell the cooked vegetables. Len was already cutting up carrots and slices of celery and puts it in a pot. Italian classical music was playing in the background.
"Hey, honey.", Lena greeted kissing me on the cheek.
"Stephanie's behind me.", I warned.
Lena instantly looked up. "Why is Stephanie behind you?", she asked.
We hear footsteps and we see Stephanie come in. I saw Lena start cutting up carrots and celery. Her back instantly stiffened at the sight of Stephanie.
"Oh, good evening, Stephanie.", Lena said, oobviously annoyed.
"Stephanie just has a few words to say about Will's punishment.", I announced for the reason why Stephanie's reasoning of being here.
"I thought we weren't planning to punish him.", Lena said reminding me of the conversation in the car this morning.
"Well, Stephanie thinks we should ground Will."
"I already told him he was grounded.", she explained.
"Well, we can unground him.", Lena stated. We heard footsteps and it is Will. He spots us and sighs. He looks worried.
"Hey, mama, mom, dad.", he greeted as he placed his school bag on one of the kitchen table chairs.
"We're kind of in the middle of something here. Can you up to your room and give us some privacy please?", Stephanie asked trying to get rid of him.
"Sure.", he said as he began to leave and head upstairs.
"Hey, buddy. I just wanted to say that you aren't grounded.", Lena said to him as she saw him going upstairs.
"What? Really?", he instantly stops and looked back I shock.
"No.", Stephanie contradicted.
"Why do I even have to listen to you, mom?", Will said as he snapped at Stephanie. Oh boy.
He walked down and over to us. Stephanie looked at him surprised and her back stiffened.
"Excuse me?", she asked.
"Will.", I said in a warning tone.
"No, dad. Seriously, mom? Why should I listen to you? You're never around and when I am with you, you're at work all the time. When you call, it's like every 2 days and they're 5-minute phone calls. So, why mom? You're doing a half ass job as a mother.", Will scowled.
"Will, I think you should go upstairs.", I said in a warning tone.
Will scoffed and grabbed his school bag. "Let me know who I'm supposed to be taking orders around here from now on.", he said going upstairs.
"Just great.", Stephanie mumbled.
"We think that will knows the consequences of his actions.", Lena explains.
"I really don't care about what you think especially towards my son.", Stephanie said to Lena.
"Steph.", I said in a firm tone as I stood between them.
Lena scoffed and put down her knife. "Look. Will's just as much as my son as he is yours.", she sad trying to clean the air.
"Yeah, but I'm his mother and Mike is his father."
"What is the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I know what you mean.", Lena said with her arms crossed. I sighed then took a deep breath. I looked over. "So, what do you think, Mike?", Lena asked me.
"You know that I think that Will is just as much as your son.", I said.
"I know. What about his punishment?", Lena asked.
"I think that Stephanie has a point.", I admitted.
I sighed. Lena glared at me in disbelief. She threw her bag on the counter and Stephanie stormed off as well Lena did in anger.
Four Months Ago:
I remember the day. Clear as water. The feeling in the air was different that morning. I felt it. The sun shined differently. The aroma of the ocean water smelled heterogeneously. Everything was diverse from the day before.
I felt an ache in my stomach. I was still on edge from the day before. Cam was officially kicked off the team. Coach has one rule, and that rule is fighting. One fight and you are off the team.
I was running late to practice that morning because of Sophia. She had been working on this science project and she had made a plant from something that can't produce life. She made the impossible happen.
I rushed to the front of the school. It was rainy that day. It smelled awful and the sky was this repugnant type of grey.
Sophia was behind me carrying the weight of her school bag, dance bag, and coffee tray. I continued walking over towards the greenhouse. I walked with one foot going ahead of the other.
I put my hand on the door handle and pushed the key through the hole, but only to find it already unlocked. I looked around to see if there were any broken windows or broken glass.
I looked through the windows, but they were dirty to see anything. I looked back at Sophia who was on the phone talking to some friends.
I sighed and opened the door slowly. I began to walk in and I looked around. I saw a broken plant bowl. Soil was everywhere. I saw a red liquid. There were droplets.
I felt my heart thumping through my body. I stopped and I felt my knees buckle. I fell to the floor and I knocked over a few plants. I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces. I was breathless. I felt the humanity inside of me screaming and crawling out of me and away from my skin.
I began breathing heavily. I felt every flow of blood in my veins fly through my body rapidly. I could feel tears leaving my eyes.
It was him. I couldn't stop staring. It was blood. It was his open flesh. I looked and discovered a razor blade. I saw the cut from the wrists. He cut deep in, blood was still pouring out of him. I could see the vein and the open skin from within the arm. I saw the change in his eye color and the paleness of his skin. He was surely dead. It was Cam.
I couldn't stop. I gripped onto my chest and I felt myself screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt like I was drowning and people were just standing around, throwing no life preserver. Or except in this case, it was Cam who had no preserver.
"Jesus!", Sophia called in a concerned tone. I quickly looked back as I heard her running towards the door. I moved back far from the table. "What's wrong?", she asked once our eyes met.
I forced my head from glancing back at the body. I was out of breath and I felt the pain lingering in my body and I could tell the ache was radiating.
"Get out! Don't come in here! Call 9-1-1!", I screamed. Sophia stood there in fear. She had never seemed so frightened. "Now!"
She gasped and ran out in fear.
The echoes of my screaming were stuck in my head on repeat. It was a soundtrack. I stared at the trophy case from inside the classroom. I was part of the student council and we were discussing the memorial.
Sophia was there sitting at a desk. She was speechless and distraught like the rest of us. Kelsey was there as well. From the dumbfounded expression across her face, she clearly had no idea what to think, she was disgusted and upset at the same time.
I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. I was so angry about him getting into the fight with Cole. After I left my mom's office, Cam wanted to talk to me. He explained that he was jealous of Cole and Marissa's relationship. I scolded and reprimanded him for fighting over something like that. I mean, if you are going to get in a fight, fight over something worth fighting for.
I said he was stupid and an ass. He was trying to hide back the tears. I was so angry. He said that he didn't care anymore, he really wanted to quit hockey for himself and Marissa. Then something inside me snapped. I scowled at him, saying that I didn't care about junior high romance and that, that I needed to get a scholarship. I told him to grow up and to stop crying like a baby.
I couldn't stop feeling what I felt. I couldn't stop, but feel what I knew was a fault of his actions. I had the image of every single moment we had together as best friends.
"It's official everyone, all the spirit week events are cancelled until further notice.", Kelsey said as she sat down on one of the desks. I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
"Why?", a girl asked, clearly not caring about anything?
"Because someone died.", another girl explained.
"But we were having some much fun. Now it's over because some died.", Danny said. I could help but grow more infuriated. I looked to the left and saw Sophia roll her eyes. She was staring in space.
"Guys it's not my decision. Foster made the call.", Kelsey hollered.
"So the whole student body has to suffer because of what one student decided to do.", Danny responded back to her.
"Ouch. A little much?", someone asked.
"I am sorry. But suicide is selfish. Didn't he think about his family and friends?", Danny said trying to explain his opinion.
"Well, me and Kelsey talked to Mrs. Smith about what we should do about all of this. She mentioned when a student... passes on or does something like this that the school usually holds a candlelight vigil for students, friends, and family members who are grieving. So we are going to organize one for this evening.", Lexi explained.
"As a way to start the healing and open up discussions.", Kelsey finished.
"That's a hell a lot of candles.", Danny joked. I swear I could I could hear him laugh, but then took it back immediately. I looked back and I could see the several glares he was receiving. "Hello, candle store. What you're all sold out? That sucks because we got this candlelight vigil going on"., he acted out as some type of joke. Sophia scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, so... I'm not really good with this kind of stuff...", Danny added, his tone settled as he realized this was a serious matter.
"I just don't understand. Why did he do it? Why did Cameron kill himself? I just don't get it. He was popular and had a good life.", a guy asked, trying to find an explanation.
"Obviously he was depressed.", Lexi added.
"Yeah, ok. If he was depressed why didn't he just reach out for help?", Danny asked in an incredulous and repugnant tone.
"I don't know. Maybe he felt like he couldn't. Maybe he was under a lot of pressure."a girl said trying to make sense of the situation.
"I guess will never know.", Sophia said.
I felt the anger growing within me as everyone shared their opinions. They were just opinions. Some felt sad, other felts conflicted, some felt concerned, some wondered, and others were angry. I felt the blood boil inside my body explode.
I kicked the chair within under my legs. I stormed off and I ran towards the trophy case. I stared at Cam's picture. MVP of the year.
I felt people staring. I could feel my breathing run heavy and strain in my lungs grow rough. I felt like I was in slow motion. Like a movie.
I turned back and I saw Sophia run out. I rushed to the metal chair and I lifted it. And within the pain, anger, jealousy, and guilt, I threw the chair and I watched as I saw it crash through the trophy case.
I felt tears running down my face. I looked and I saw everyone staring at me.
"Jesus, It's gonna be ok.", Sophia said trying to calm me down. I saw the tears running down her face. Her heart was breaking.
I looked at her. Everything is going to be ok? Nothing is ever going to be ok again. "What? "It's gonna be ok"?", I asked trying to see if that is what she truly said.
"I don't- I- I don't know what to say.", she mumbled.
"Say it's our fault! Say we failed him! You and me! We were one of his best friends!", I scowled as I felt my voice break.
"Me?", she asked.
"You knew he had problems! You told me what he said! He was crying and upset! Why didn't you say anything?! Why didn't you do something?! You should have done something! You did nothing!", I explained as I saw her cry even more.
MARISSA:
I unlocked the door. The sun had set already and the street lights had been on for hours. It was quarter to 11. I looked into the foyer and saw the emptiness. I walked in and closed the door behind me and then rested my keys on the table.
I looked into the dining room to my left and saw it was completely empty. I looked to my right and nearly jumped when I saw mom and dad running in. I felt mom's warm embrace when she pulled me in for a tight hug.
"Sweetie, where were you? We were so scared and worried.", she asked as she looked up at me. Dad hugged me as well. He was upset and hurt.
"You are freezing.", she said, rubbing my arms and feeling the coolness of my skin.
I felt the ache seeping through me. I caused this much pain. I pushed away from their embrace and bolted for the stairs.
"I'm going up to my room." , I stated.
"Excuse me? Where the hell do you think you're going?", I heard a gruff voice call out.
I stopped and quickly turned back. It was dad. I walked back down the stairs and stopped at the last step. I looked at my dad and his eyes turned from fear to fury in a matter of seconds.
"To my room to go to bed.", I answered, crossing my arms.
"Mike., Lena said in a pleading tone.
"No, Lena. I am tired of this. Do you have any idea how worried we were about you? We had no idea where you were. We had to hear from Kelsey that you were all the way in Beverly Hills with some guy. You don't get to come home last smelling like marijuana, sneak out, skip school, and go off to some party then come home as if this were some hotel, young lady.", he scowled while moving his hands around and trying to prove something.
"I really don't care. If you want to kick me out then kick me out. If you want to reverse my adoption then reverse my adoption.", I yelled back.
I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors made a disturbance complaint. I was so upset and annoyed. I stormed passed them and rushed into the living room.
I felt my breathing roughen. I began to think about it again. I forgot what dad said about thinking about it less and less, but I couldn't. I felt the ache in my heart metastasized, while my heart grew smaller. I felt the rush of my feelings for Cam. The feeling of likeness and beauty. The feeling of calmness. The feeling of the feeling of wanting to love.
I felt them stare at me. I felt my chest pound and the beating grow rapid. I began to take off my jacket, but the sleeve got caught on something. I felt my mind go haywire. I began to rip the jacket off.
"I hate this house! You guys are just trying to figure out what ways to bring your perfect Marissa back.", I scowled. I saw them and they were looking at me with their full attention.
"But you know what? I'm not the only one who needs your attention. Want to know why Will gets in trouble, you put all your focus on fixing me, but I don't need it, I sure as hell don't want it. Sophia, she is so desperate, she craves for your attention. I mean, got damn it! She was put in an art gallery in the most amazing summer program in the country! She drew you guys a damn picture, and you guys didn't come! You have these children who sincerely believe that you don't love them! I mean, they are trying to communicate. They are all speaking. But what aren't you listening to them?", I began to yell.
I felt like they spent their entire time trying to make my life the better half of theirs. I feel like they push away Will, Jesus, and Sophia to put their energy towards me. Sometimes, it feels like they only come home to me. I wasn't the only one who noticed. Sophia has always felt this way. I think this is why she was upset, not because of our friendship, but because of the need for being wanted.
""Why aren't you...riveted?! Why are they the most important thing for just one damn night?! This desperate cry for attention is for you guys! It's for you!", I scowled, feeling my voice crack as I raised my voice while I pointed my finger at dad. He stopped and stared in disbelief. He was speechless.
"We love them all.", he said. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Good, God, Marissa. You throw that word around, but you have no idea what it means.", he responded back.
"Maybe, I don't. But maybe Jesus, Sophia, or Will don't either...", I began to explain.
"I provided your world, and theirs.", he scowled.
"That doesn't mean you can just shatter it! How do you feel, when you get to stop slumming it with them and get to help or fix me, or when you have something else to do."
Dad sighed and put his hands on his hips. He began to pace, thinking. Mom looked worried, not knowing what to do.
Dad stopped. "I know this has been hard for you, but you know what? You are a kid. You don't have to worry about anyone. You think when you screw up, you're responsible? No. We're responsible, because you are a kid. You are responsible for no one.", dad tried to explain.
I sighed as I felt my breathing become weak. I felt a tear going down my face. I felt the air building up and I felt the pressure releasing.
"Just..Breathe. Come and sit down and we can talk.", Lena said pulling me to the couch. I felt my body sink down with her.
"So, there are these two twins in a womb, a boy and a girl-", mom began to say. What is she talking about?
"Are you telling a joke?", I asked, obviously becoming angry.
"No, no. It's a story.", she corrected. I nodded. "So, these twins are happy. They're fed, they're warm, they feel safe. But they're outgrowing their space and they realize this can't go on forever. So they start thinking, "What comes next, what if it's cold or lonely, what if we're not together, what if there's nothing at all"? So, then the girl looks at the cord. This cord that has fed them, has nourished them, this cord that they can't possibly conceive could be attached to anything else. And she says, "Well, we have no proof. All we have is this."
I laughed and stood. I shook my head and laughed sarcastically. I looked back and saw her confused reaction. 'All we have is this'? What the hell is that supposed to mean? That I shouldn't be upset that my boyfriend is gone? That I should just forget it ever happened and move on.
"No. Wow, that's deep. So, it's like life after birth. Hopeful. All right, what do you want? Why do you guys care? I've heard all of your platitudes. I got them, I know. "He's in a better place." And, "This is all a part of a master plan." Heard that one, too. Here's my favorite. "God looked down and saw the most beautiful rose, so beautiful that he picked it to have it in Heaven all for Himself." Then there's the science, biocentrism, and we're all living and dying in infinite universes all at the same time. And then the religion, the Christians and their salvation, and the Buddhists and their Samsara, and the Hindus and their 41st sacrament. And you can't forget the poetry. Oh, the poetry. "To die is different from what anyone supposed "and luckier." Walt Whitman, can't forget about that guy. And, "Rage... Rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right." Thomas.", I explained.
"Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream...", I began to sing. "I got it. I got it! It all basically says that death is a natural part of life, we shouldn't hate it, we shouldn't fear it. I guess we should just accept it, right? That's it? I get it. Here's the thing. It's all a bunch of intellectual bullshit because he's not here. He deserved more time than what he was given!", I scowled. I could feel the words ripping right through my eternal soul.
"You think you're the first one to lose anything? You think, that whatever you feel in your heart, I don't also feel it in mine? That Jesus doesn't feel it in his either? Or Sophia? Or Will? Or mom's?", dad asked trying to figure out what I am feeling. The thing is, he can't know what I am feeling, because he can't understand it.
"You didn't know him. Okay? I know him. You didn't find him, Jesus did. It's just... you're just so... tragically blind that you think the one of your children are just gonna hang themselves...", I explained.
"Marissa.", Lena said trying to calm me down.
"Can you guys just ground me so I can go up to my room already?", I asked, looking away. I felt my throat ache from the strength from holding back my tears.
"What's going on with you and this boy Kelsey was talking about?", mom asked concerned.
"David makes me feel normal, like I'm alive. He doesn't see some lost and distraught puppy. He sees an actual person. Is there something wrong with that? Me wanting to be happy again?", I asked.
I can't remember a time when I was last happy in the last three months or even before that. I don't feel joy. I tried. I tried telling myself to be happy. I tried to grieve and wallow. I tried to let my heart rebuild itself with a cast. I tried to rebuild the life I call home. I tried to feel happy again. But, I don't. I feel numb. Like everything is just moving by me so quickly and there is nothing I can do to stop it or slow it down. I feel nothing.
"It's scary!", I scowled. "Marissa. It's scary for us, but mostly for you to be hooking up with some guy you barely know. I know you may feel like you have to replace Cameron to feel happy again. Marissa, you can't replace Cameron."
"Why not?!", I scowled from the top of my lungs. Why can't I find someone to make me feel like the sun was something they built in their tool shed or that love is not a void or faded echo that is only brought on by fate or rare factors of such a power by a God?
"He broke up with me by killing himself! I thought that the less I thought about him the more the thoughts would fade.", I began to explain as I felt my body open up. I felt like a butterfly coming out of it's cocoon. I began to run breathless as I felt the sobs pouring from my mind and soul.
"I can't stop thinking about him! I feel like I'm never going to be happy again and everyday it just keeps getting worse and worse. I can't do this anymore. I can't miss him anymore! I don't want to!", I said as I felt my knees buckle. I fell to my knees.
"Everything's going to be ok, Marissa. Calm down. Cameron is in a better place with Jake. Cole is playing hockey. Jake is playing t-ball…Just breathe...", mom said.
I felt the breathing and the flow in my lungs slow down. I felt the pain release and the calmness settle.
LENA:
I poured a glass of milk. I saw the moon peak through the window. With every sunset, there is a sunrise. Now it felt like the run was never coming again.
I felt the mood in the room grow intense. I felt the room grow darker. I looked up and saw Mike standing at the counter.
"I am sorry I ambushed you this evening, Lena. All right? This was something that Stephanie felt very strongly about, obviously.", he said apologizing. He looked down at me hoping for me to say something.
Ever since Cam's death, she has been so calm and gentle. She didn't act like glass, nor did she want to be treated like it. She was the strongest person I knew. It was as if everything she has ever been pained from just erupted from her inner core.
I met his concerned look and then I immediately looked off. Not only did the worst pain from Marisa explode, but it transferred to me. But Mike humiliated me. He took Stephanie's side over mine and made me feel like I was just Will's replacement.
"When you feel like talking to me, Lena. Let me know.", he said, starting to walk off.
"I thought we were on the same page. I thought we agreed. I've never felt like such a stepmother in my entire life.", I exclaimed in anger.
"Lena-", he began to say before I cut him off.
"And just so we're clear, I am done disciplining Will if this is the way it's going to be. I'm just going to be good-time stepmom from now on. You want some candy, Will? Sure, help yourself! Want some cigarettes? Smoke it up! Lung cancer be damned! Want some booze? No? How about some crack? Marijuana? Heroine?", I yelled, swaying around a knife in my hand.
"Oh, wow. Point taken. Please put down the knife.", he said. I sighed and put down the knife, leaning against the counter with my back facing the sink and window. "You're scaring me. Lena, come on, love."
"What was I supposed to do? Stephanie is Will's biological mother who wants to be part of his life. This was a big decision and we didn't include her in it. Can you imagine how you would feel if something like this happened with Sophia or Jesus?", Mike asked, as he walked over to face me, leaning against the sink.
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. The situation is completely different. Stephanie has no relation… biological relation to them. I mean, neither do we, but Stephanie isn't their mother or step mother or foster mother or adoptive mother.
"It's not the same thing. Stephanie is not the twins' mother.", I stated, with a stern tone.
"Obviously. You know that's not what I meant. You would not like it... If parental decisions were being made without me... without you."
"Yes, I get that, but in what world is it ok for you to take Stephanie's side in front of me?"
"I didn't take her side, Lena. I simply said-", he began to say before I cut him off again.
"You humiliated me.", I stated, explaining my reasoning for being so upset.
"I'm sorry, that is not what I meant to do. But you asked, what was I supposed to say?", he asked trying to look for the right answer.
"You lie, Mike. You lie.", I said, pushing off the counter.
Mike sighed and began to walk off. He then turned back. "Ok, I'm sorry. It's not easy for me either, you know. It's no fun playing peacekeeper between you and Stephanie when you're acting like Israel and Palestine. It kind of stinks. Look, Will has three parents, period. No getting around it. I agree that Stephanie had no right to contradict you. I know that's not what she thinks, I really do. And we're all just trying to do our best to figure this out. I'm going to go talk to Will. All right? We're ok for now?"
I sighed. He was right. Will has three parents. It has been so hard. Will sharing us all. I don't want to steal Will away from Stephanie, I just want the best environment and stability for him.
"We're good.", I answered.
"Great.", he said, nodding.
I looked back down and saw the phone. It reminded me of earlier. Patricia called me earlier. She wanted to inform me that Mike forgot a check for Marissa's tuition.
I felt my stomach turn to knots as I saw him turn away and start to walk off.
"Patricia called.", I said. I felt the tension boil. Mike stopped and looked back with his eyes full of shock and guilt.
"She said that you forgot to claim the check for Marissa's tuition for Keaton. Now, please explain to me what she means."
He stopped and he tried to say something. His mouth opened, but then closed. He was always so proud.
"I asked my mother for a loan. We couldn't find a way to pay for it and if we didn't Marissa would lose her spot.", he explained.
I laughed as I began to walk off. I was hysterical. He made me look like the enemy. After doing something that ruins his pride, I suggested to not send her to Keaton.
"Oh my god. So I told Marissa she couldn't go when you had to beg your parents for their charity. You let me do that without knowing.", I began to scowl in anger and fury.
"I wasn't going to take more shifts. You guys already complain about how I am never around! We have four teenagers that have to go to college soon.", he scowled back. I could feel the tension within his tone.
I shook my head. I have never felt so humiliated and betrayed. I couldn't help but shake my head. We stood there for a second. It was dead silent.
"Now, what are we going to do about Marissa?", Mike asked breaking the dead silence. "Are we sending her to Keaton or not? Because we cannot keep doing this to her. She has been through hell. We can't keep giving her this hope and then taking it away."
"I don't think this is the great time. She just had a mental breakdown, she is not in the right state of mind.", I explained.
"How she wasn't happy and when we showed her that letter she was the happiest we have ever seen her been in months.", Mike said as his voice grown louder.
"I just... she talked about suicide like... I'm worried about losing her.", I said as I felt my voice breaking. I could help a tear falling down my face.
"I am too, but Marissa is too smart for that."
"Are you sure about that? Kids like Marissa do these things all the time. The parents never expect it."
"I know our daughter."
"Really? Are you sure?", I asked as I saw him begin to walk away.
I heard him scoff and turn back. He shook his head and walked back over.
"She would never subjugate herself to that much harm, Lena.", he exclaimed with a riveting tone.
"You don't know that. No one knew that Cameron was going to kill himself.", I said as I felt my voice rising.
"Neither did he."
"I don't know. Marissa has had the worst year of her life. Her boyfriend killed himself. Of course, she hurts. She just needs some more time and keeping her from all this stress will help her."
"She just needs her life to be stable for once so she just doesn't go into the pressure zone."
"So what, are you saying? She should go?"
"Yeah. Did you see the look on her face when she said she got into Keaton? I saw it, she was the happiest she has ever been. Did you see that?", he asked.
I felt my heart constrict. I couldn't help but pull the image of her face, that damn face when Marissa found out she was accepted to Keaton. Her famous smile that lit up a room.
"Don't you dare try and make me feel bad. We are trying to help her! I don't want to see her unhappy!", I yelled.
"I don't either! But you know what?! Keeping her at that school doesn't make her happy! Do you ever hear yourself, Lena?! What if this we're the twins?! We would do the same! If we keep her at this school this would make things worse! She needs a fresh start."
"Well, I don't want her to be hurt again! Every day I look into those I eyes, I see a broken and dead person on the inside... I don't want to lose my child!", I said as I felt a release. I felt the constriction and pressure on my heard go free. I felt tears trickling down my face.
Mike shook his head as I saw him walk over to me hugged me. I looked up at him and looked into those hazel eyes of his.
"If you don't let her go. If things don't change... you will.", he said with such a calm voice.
MARISSA:
What is your "why"? Why did you even get out of the bed this morning? Why did you eat what you ate? Why did you wear what you wore? Why did you drink what you drank? Why drove you to this very place? Why did you come here?
I think that we are here to connect, and that life is about people and how we connect, not just to people, but to things. Let's start here.
I looked out the window. The sun had never been close. I felt like the sun was shining on us as if we were the attention of the spotlight.
I walked into the hallway and then down to the kitchen. I saw Sophia at the kitchen sink staring at the counter. It was completely silent that you could hear a pin drop.
"Why?", I heard a soft voice break the dead silence. I looked over and it was Sophia. She didn't look at me.
"Why what?", I asked wondering what she meant.
"Why did this have to happen?", she asked, still staring out the window. "Why does terrible things happen to good people and good things happen to terrible people?"
"Ironic, isn't it?"
"I'm sorry, Marissa. I should have been more supportive. I should have been there for you.", she said. I could see the tears fall down her cheeks. I quickly hugged her. "I'm sorry for being so upset"
I sighed. "I want to make things right between us. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was worried about how you would react. I know I have been selfish a lot lately. I know that we all could have done something to help Cam and that I've been using his death as an excuse, but I can't be trapped by him anymore. I blame myself every day for his death and for Jake's death and I just need to see the sight of happiness again. To me, happiness and hope is blind for me. I just want to be happy again.", I said softly as I felt a sense of relief as I felt my face become wet from the dripping tears. "I can't remember in the last few months where I was happy and then I was happy again."
"Do you want to even go to Keaton?", Sophia asked.
"I want to go to Keaton more than anything. All my life everyone has said to do stuff for myself for once and I want to do this one thing.", I said as I began to wipe the tears off my face.
"Alright."
"Good morning.", we heard a voice call out.
We looked back and we saw a very surprised and happy mom and dad. They were still in their sleepwear.
"Good morning.", I said.
"So, Marissa, me and your father have talked, you can go to Keaton.", mom said.
"I can?", I asked surprised.
"We felt that it would be unfair to you and this last year has been awful for you. We just want to see you happy again.", mom explained.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much!", I said, jumping up and down as I felt a rush of happiness flow through me. "Come on, Soph, I want to show you my uniform," I said dragging her up the stairs.
We got to the top of the stairs. "Oh wait, I forgot something. Be right back", I said as I went back down the stairs.
"You changed your mind?", I heard dad ask.
I stood there, trying to be quiet acting like I wasn't there.
"Why?", he asked.
"Remember when you told Sophia when she was getting her appendix taken out on Christmas that "Nothing bad happens on Christmas"?", I asked. "Well, in this case, nothing bad happens on Sunday."
Khalil Gibran once wrote: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy, and you would accept the seasons of your heart. Even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with his own sacred tears".
I know this was long, but this was a little darker and I understand. The next chapter will involve Marissa's first day at Keaton. The next chapter we will further meet Cole Sawyer, Nathan Sawyer, Karen Clearfield, Dan Sawyer, Peyton Gellar, and Brooke Richards.
- Laurie
I know it has been not that long since my last post. We go further into Marissa's depression which results in an eating disorder. Sophia has to choose whether to let someone take the blame for her past or take the blame herself.
ENJOY!
All copyrights go to One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls, and Warner Bros.