CHAPTER 3 : There's no one else to blame.

I never got to know why Luka came to my apartment. I already had a fake excuse on why I wasn't there when he came, just in case he ever asked. But he never did. It probably wasn't so important then…

I was exhausted. I was a ghost. The old Abby was gone. Was there even a new Abby… Probably not. I was dead inside. Eating a slice of bread a day, throwing up at night. I spent all of my breaks smoking as many cigarettes as I had time for, alone. John was ignoring me still. Luka was busy. Susan was talking about a girl trip, about drinking a bit in a bar and about traveling. I was alone with my pain. It was out of my control. I wish I could scream for help and not be stuck in this body, half alive. Sometimes, I would hide in the toilets and press my nails in my skin. I did that between two patients, to make sure I was still there, somehow. My arms had cuts on them, bruises and some nail marks. They were getting as bad as my legs. How upsetting was it to slowly die in front of my friends eyes… But there was no one else to blame. I made it happen.

- And I found the perfect hotel !

Susan took me out of my thoughts.

- Yeah.. That's… that's great.

I had no idea of what she was talking about.

- I know ! It's gonna be a very nice time.

She smiled to me before taking a new patient file.

I stayed there, unable to come back to reality. The thoughts in my head often took priority on what was surrounding me. I could see people moving around me, I could tell I was stuck in my thoughts.

- Abby !

Luka's voice took me out of my thoughts. Again. They are gonna notice I thought. No they won't. They don't care. You're all alone Abby. All. Alone.

- Sorry.

My voice was only a whisper now. Kovac looked at me quietly for a few seconds before taking a patient file and walk away. Jerry looked at me, probably thinking I was weird. I left to hide in the doctor's room. I sat on the chair next to the window. Tears were filling my eyes. I could see the reflection of my face in the window.. I could see the huge dark circles under my eyes, could see just on my face how destroyed I was. How was it possible that I was the only one to see it. How could no one see I needed to be saved. Slowly, I stood up. I took my bag, a few things in my locker and left. I left quietly, without being noticed. I was gone in a few minutes. Just like that.

Walking in Chicago's streets, with no idea of where I should go, I contemplated all the solutions I had. Not many. And one kept popping inside my mind. I only had one good, definitive option. The best option to finally be done with all of that pain, with all the suffering that I was experiencing since weeks.

I went back to my apartment. I drank a beer or two, and sat on the floor half naked. Without my loose clothes my body looked awfully sick. The number of cuts and bruises was impossible to tell. There was way too many. This view was making me sick. I was not looking at a patient. I was looking at my own body. I was the patient. I was so tired. Crying a bit, I grabbed my cutter. I looked at it for a few minutes. I knew what it meant. I reached that point. It was time. I had to finish with it. I wanted to be loved. But no one would ever love me. Not like that. And I was not gonna recover. After few minutes, the tears calmed down. I had to do it. I slowly cut my left wrist. The blood was rushing out of my cut, already forming a puddle on my bathroom floor. I screamed in pain and cut my other wrist. My phone rang right when I finished. I looked at the screen and saw his name. Maybe I was getting a chance to say goodbye…

- John ?

My voice came from far away.

- Abby… You left early ?

Pain was horrible and I started to have a hard time keeping my eyes open.

- Abby ? Why are you crying ? Abby ?

- It feels like the end… I whispered.

I turned to lay down on my back. I could feel the blood puddle getting bigger and bigger, I could feel my body laying in it. I could feel myself go.

- Abby what the hell have you done ? I'm coming with Luka !

- Too late.

- Keep your damn eyes open, you hear me ? You stay awake.

I could hear panic in his voice. I could hear him scream Luka's name in the ER, I could hear them run. His voice sounded like from so far away…

- Abby talk to me !

I think it was Luka. I was not able to talk. I was leaving my body. I felt it. It was time. So I let go. I let my eyes close, and I let the pain take the control. And quickly it was finished.

Luka and Carter were leaving the County when Abby stopped talking.

- Abby talk to me ! Screamed Luka.

No answer.

- Abby please… Please talk to me.

Luka was begging. The couldn't be too late. They couldn't have missed that. They couldn't let her go like that. They just could not. She had to stay alive. She had to keep breathing.

- Abby…

Carter took the phone.

- Abby I'm sorry I was upset. I'm so sorry. Please, talk to us. Please, keep your eyes open. We're coming to help you.

The silence from the phone was terrifying. There was no sound anymore. They took Carter's car. The phone was still on, both of them were completely silent to hear any sound from Abby. The whole drive they hoped for anything. A whisper, cries… Anything. But all they had was silence. They finally arrived to Abby's apartment. They ran in the stairs as fast as they could, and broke Abby's door. The apartment was dark. Empty. They walked to the bathroom and slowly opened the door. They both stopped. Taking a second to observe the scene. Abby was laying in a giant puddle of blood, both wrists cut open. Her body was extremely thin, full of bruises, scars and cuts. Bottles of alcohol were on the floor, a cutter covered of blood too. Carter called 911 while Luka and him grabbed her wrists. They both exchanged a very worried eye contact.

- It doesn't look good. Whispered Luka.