Disclaimer: Nothing Supernatural belongs to me.

Chapter 3: Sweet Emotion

You're calling my name but I gotta make clear

I can't say baby where I'll be in a year

…

Your telling me things I can sure understand

'Cause a month on the road an' I'll be eating from your hand

…

"She's hiding somewhere with warding sigils. Where the Hell could she be? I'm going to find her and kill her," a voice announced in the middle of Bobby's living room as a crack of thunder shook the house.

"Ase?" Sam asked, staring at the short beacon of rage in confusion.

"Gabriel, you must calm down," Cas stated, appearing suddenly before the trickster.

"Castiel, try to stop me and I'll destroy you too. I'm going to find Lilith and tear her to pieces. She didn't kill Ase—she destroyed her essence. There isn't a hint of her left anywhere in her body or the dimensions I've checked," the woman's voice responded.

"Hey, Dean?" Sam called as unobtrusively as he could, hoping his brother would be able to figure out what was going on. The decision to speak was apparently a poor one as Ase-Gabriel appeared in front of him with a murderous look, the lights blinking as lightning lit the sky outside.

"You encouraged her to help with the planning. It's your fault she's gone," she hissed. Castiel appeared between them.

"Gabriel, you must calm down," he repeated. "No individual is at fault besides Lilith."

"But I can't find her and I can find him," Gabriel pointed out, pointing a finger accusingly at Sam.

"Cas, what's going on here?" Dean asked from the doorway of the room, eyeing the five-foot female carefully.

"You wouldn't be able to stop me, bucko, so don't even think about it," Gabriel warned acidly.

"Ase's essence was irrecoverable from Lilith's attack. Gabriel was masquerading as Loki and reconnected with his angelic powers to save her, but was unable to do so. However, as she was his true vessel, he is now inhabiting her form and is enraged that he could not recover Ase or kill Lilith by this time," Cas explained, his eyes not leaving Gabriel's. He knew he couldn't stop the archangel, but he was hoping that his presence was enough to deter him from attacking.

"You mean Loki was Gabriel and now he's stuck in Ase's body because she's dead?" Sam hazarded slowly.

"Not dead—gone. I can fix dead," Gabriel seethed. Sam realized that the anger was starting to diminish and thought Gabriel might start to cry, so he stood up and nudged him into the seat he had vacated. Gabriel put his (her?) face in her (definitely her, if he was stuck in Ase's form. Sam knew angels were genderless naturally. But what if Gabriel thought of himself as male?) hands in a look of utter defeat. "It's like she never lived at all."

"Hey, that's not true. As long as we all remember her, part of her will be alive," Sam offered soothingly, trying to calm the archangel. Her anger had been frightening and Sam wasn't sure how any of them would be able to handle her depression.

"She liked you best of all the humans," Gabriel stated, not looking up. Sam felt a lump in his throat, but knew better than to reply. Instead, he sat beside the trickster-turned-archangel and put his arm around the small shoulders in silence.

Dean made a motion for Cas to join him and they headed to the kitchen.

"Dude, what's going on?" Dean asked.

"As I said, Gabriel is inhabiting the physical form that was Ase's. Ase was destroyed by Lilith," Castiel repeated.

"You mean that dumbass trickster Loki was an archangel the whole friggin' time?" Dean demanded in an angry whisper. Castiel nodded. "Son of a bitch. He'd better not be something else pretending to be Gabriel after all this crap."

"He is not. It is Gabriel. He had his Grace trapped and silenced. His desire to recover Ase was enough to release it, but he could not save her. However, she was his true vessel and he chose to inhabit her form in the hopes that enough of her essence would remain inside for him to reconstruct her. He—she, I believe is the correct term in this case—found no evidence of Ase's essence and seems to be distraught. She told me that Ase was the closest to family she had since leaving Heaven millennia ago," he recited.

"He—er, she—gonna be okay?" Dean asked, the anger in his voice softened. He understood something of losing his only family and he thought he might know a little bit of what the archangel was going though.

"She will recover her full strength, but her psyche may require longer. Her Grace indicates she has made a pledge to kill Lilith and her focus will remain on that goal until it is completed. Her Grace will remain altered by the pledge until she has avenged her companion," Cas explained. "She will not 'be okay' more than you would be if your closest friend had been eradicated from existence."

"Man, that sucks. You think she's going to hang out here or go join the Host?" Dean asked.

"She will likely remain here. The Host would be unlikely to understand her emotions and they would expect her to immediately resume the role she once held," Cas answered. "Whether she remains in this group or travels elsewhere on Earth is uncertain."

"So we've got a depressed archangel in the group now, great," Dean groaned, trying to pass it off as irritation. Cas gave him a quizzical look, recognizing the falsehood in his sentiment. Cas felt certain he understood Dean enough to know that the human was upset for the archangel and for the loss of Ase, but Cas had yet to understand Dean's penchant for passing off all his emotions either in silence or as irritation. After downing a glass of whiskey, the hunter asked, "So what do we do now?"

"We continue to hunt Lilith. That has not changed."

…

When they woke up the next morning, Gabriel had the kitchen table covered with pancakes, waffles, syrups, and pastries. Sam, the first one there, nearly turned back, but Gabriel saw him and smiled.

"Morning, Gigantor. There's coffee and breakfast," she (he? Sam really needed to ask because he was going in mental circles trying to figure out which he should use) stated, stirring what appeared to be more pancake mix. "Help yourself."

"Uh, thanks," Sam stated, cautiously going to pour himself a cup of coffee. It was beyond odd to know that Ase's body was now filled with an archangel instead of a simple trickster, especially with the moments where their personalities and expressions overlapped enough that it looked like Ase again. Sam wouldn't admit it, but he'd had the beginnings of a crush on the little trickster and it was disconcerting to see her tiny form bustling about with a super-powerful archangel-who-had-been-male-when-they-met-him inside. And he knew it was only going to get more confusing if they tried to introduce the archangel as 'Gabriel' when they met others who didn't know.

"Er, Gabriel?" Sam asked, halfway hoping the archangel wouldn't pay attention.

"What is it, kiddo?" Gabriel responded, not turning away from the waffle maker.

"Er, it's going to be hard to convince people that your name's Gabriel now that you're, y'know, female," Sam hazarded. Gabriel froze.

"I'll say that I was supposed to be born a boy and my parents didn't want to change it. Using female pronouns should be enough to make people ignore it. Easy as that," she (finally Sam knew which to use. Or did Gabriel mean only in public?) answered after a moment, removing a burnt waffle from the maker. Sam pretended not to notice.

"Yeah, I guess that could work. Do you need Dean to forge some documents for you or can you do it yourself?" he asked. Gabriel turned around and looked at Sam.

"I can make them. I don't have much else to do before we get another hint on the hunt," she stated, big eyes full of emotions angels weren't supposed to feel. Sam restrained himself from hugging the archangel again with a reminder that it was freakin' Gabriel, not some human soul seeking comfort from another. "Anyway, I'm going to be around causing trouble, so I may as well do some things myself."

"Like making enough food to feed an army?" Sam suggested with a smile, gesturing towards the piles of food on the table.

"What are you talking about, Sambo? I intend to eat most of that myself," Gabriel replied, the corners of her rosebud lips turning up in a smile. Sam shook his head when the archangel turned around. This was going to take some significant adjusting time.

…

It took less than a week for the hunters to realize mentioning Lilith was a dangerous game. On the one hand, they needed to keep hunting her. On the other, Gabriel looked ready to explode with rage each time the demon came up. Once they calmed her down, the quiet dejection would set in. A startling lack of sweets and the sight of an occasionally quivering lip would bring down the entire house and leave everyone walking on eggshells. Castiel would often join them for research around these times, keeping an eye on his sibling to be sure nobody was harmed and recovery was in the works.

In the end, it was Sam that came up with an idea for getting Gabriel out of the house long enough for a meeting. Sam pulled her to the side one afternoon to speak to her privately.

"Hey, Gabriel, don't tell Dean, but there's a new candy store half an hour away and I wanted to go there to get something for him, since his birthday's coming up. Could you come with me so it won't look suspicious? He knows I don't eat much candy," Sam asked, unleashing his patent puppy dog eyes. Gabriel looked at him with pursed lips, trying to determine the truth behind the request.

"Yeah, sure. You wanna go now?" Gabriel asked, nearly making Sam betray himself with a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, just let me grab some car keys and we can head out. Er, you don't mind if we drive, do you? I need to get out of the house for awhile," Sam admitted, glancing toward his brother, Bobby, and Cas guiltily.

"No problemo. I've got all day," Gabriel answered easily.

"Great, thanks, Gabe," Sam replied, smiling before he turned toward the living room. "Hey, Bobby, what car can I borrow? Gabriel wants to go to the candy store and I need to get out of here for a little while."

"Third key from the left, red truck behind the house," Bobby instructed gruffly without looking up.

"Thanks, Bobby. Anybody need us to pick anything up while we're out?" Sam asked, heading toward the display of keys by the door.

"Bring home some beer and pie," Dean instructed.

"Seriously, dude, you're going to turn into pie if you keep it up," Sam groaned, opening the door for Gabriel before he left. As soon as the door closed behind them, Bobby, Dean, and Castiel gathered at the dining room table.

"Grab that box on the top shelf, would ya, kid?" Bobby requested, gesturing at one of the shelves. Dean got it and handed it to Bobby, who opened the lid and began scattering papers on the tabletop. "This is what we've collected in the past few weeks."

"Thanks for keeping it locked up, Bobby. God knows we don't need any more drama from Gabby," Dean remarked as he took his seat and began looking at some of the papers. Castiel watched Dean for a second, trying to determine if Dean truly discounted Gabriel's responses or if he was merely trying to make it appear so.

"She hasn't shown her face since Florida. There aren't a lot of signs big enough to suggest she's back," Bobby commented, throwing down the paper he had been perusing. "You think maybe Gabriel got her and didn't realize it?"

"No, she was left alive. It is more likely that she has gone into hiding. An archangel has the capability to kill her and Gabriel has sworn to do so," Castiel stated. "She will be difficult to find and she may delay her return considerably, although she will not wait forever. Freeing Lucifer is more important to her than her life, but she must ensure that he will be freed before she is killed. She has already broken thirty two seals."

"So what do we do? Can we try to block her from opening other seals or what? Where's Heaven taking a stand on this? What do they think about Gabriel?" Dean asked, setting down his papers.

"We've gotta keep doing what we've been doing, kid. Cas already told us there are too many seals for us to protect them," Bobby pointed out.

"Heaven is focused on that task and searching for Gabriel. They want him to return to the Host. I believe our best course of action would be to continue looking for Lilith. If we discover her location, Gabriel will kill her," Cas answered.

"How are we supposed to find her if she's got sigils keeping her from being detected? C'mon, Cas, we can't work a miracle," Dean whined.

"Contrarily, Dean, I believe the group in this house has witnessed or been part of more miracles than most," Cas stated. "All we can do now is keep looking for signs and keep Gabriel effective for the moment Lilith is found."

"Sounds like we're using Gabriel," Dean remarked, sounding uncomfortable by the idea.

"If you ask me, it's about time we started using angels instead of them using us. Besides, this is what Gabriel wants. We aren't pushing him—her—whatever—into this," Bobby said. "We need to focus on finding that damn demon. Is there anything you haven't tried, Cas? We've only got so many options available to us as hunters."

"I may be able to pick up a trace from her last known location, although that is dubious given that Gabriel did not find her. It is possible that a trace could lead to her and Gabriel overlooked it due to rage," Cas offered.

"Just be careful and call us if you get a lead, okay? It won't help us any if you get hurt," Dean warned brusquely. Castiel looked at him, recognizing the attempt to hide sentiment, and nodded.

"I will return once I have ascertained whether or not this is possible," he stated before popping out of the room.

…

"So do you still have all your trickster powers or have you just been using your Grace to mimic them?" Sam asked as Gabriel set about eating a bag of cotton candy they had purchased.

"Trickster powers. They're all still there—maybe stronger now," Gabriel answered.

"You mean now that…?" Sam prompted cautiously.

"Yeah. She's gone, but her body had the innate powers of tricksters and fairies, especially for dreams. Now that it's my vessel, I've got those powers too. As if looking out from her eyes every day wasn't bad enough," Gabriel snorted, closing the bag of cotton candy absently. "I'd risk altering her form back to my usual one, but it scares me. Yes, an archangel can be afraid—or at least I can after so many centuries on Earth. I worry that if I changed her form, I would forget some detail when I changed back and wouldn't notice. If that kept occurring, one day it wouldn't be recognizable as the same. This is all that's left of her."

"Oh," Sam murmured quietly, not realizing the enormity of the situation. He'd been caught up in thinking it was bad looking at Ase's body all the time. He couldn't imagine being trapped in it. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

"Sometimes it's like I can almost sense the imprint of her. It's certain expressions, certain reactions. I just wish there was enough that I could gather to send to Heaven. Then she would be safe but I could still see her. Instead, she's scarcely more than a memory," Gabriel sighed, looking out the window. Sam hesitated for a moment before putting his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said simply. He knew it wouldn't change anything, but he hoped it would be enough. Gabriel stiffened at the touch, but didn't pull away and Sam counted it as a small victory. The archangel needed the comfort of a friend and Sam knew it. He remembered when Gabriel had tormented him with Tuesdays before leading him to believe Dean was dead. He'd turned ruthless because he hadn't accepted the help of friends. He didn't want that to happen to Gabriel. Part of him wondered why he didn't want the archangel to suffer like he had, but Sam reminded himself that an archangel could be a lot more dangerous than a boy with demon blood.

"Thank you," Gabriel stated softly, not looking at Sam. "I know this hasn't been easy for you either. I saw the way you looked at her."

"Yeah."

"I promise I'll burn Lilith away the second I find her. I'm going to pour my Grace into her to find the information I need and burn her until she doesn't exist. I will erase her existence as she did Ase's and I'll recover Ase and send her to Heaven. There has to be a way."

"D'you…Does…D'you think God ever listens to prayers?" Sam asked uncertainly, glancing at the archangel in the seat beside him. Gabriel sat perfectly still for a moment before taking Sam's hand from her shoulder into both of her own.

"I think He hears them, Sam," Gabriel said softly. "I think He answers them sometimes and I think He should answer yours more than most. You've put more faith in Him than half of Heaven's angels and they don't even have the free will to choose not to believe."

"Dean's always mocked that about me," Sam stated, wondering at the hammering of his heart. Gabriel chuckled quietly.

"I did too, at first. I learned a lot about you at Broward County," she admitted. "You never reacted like I expected you to—well, I expected some of it. I knew you'd keep trying to save your brother and that you'd do everything in your power to bring him back when he was gone. I didn't expect you to keep saving people along the way. It was like each time you took a darker turn internally, you did more good for others. It surprised me. And then you sent out a prayer so loud I couldn't help but hear it—a cry to God to let you save your brother before He sent you to Hell for the state of your soul. You sounded like you were trying to make a deal, but there was so much faith in your prayer. You fully expected Him to listen and agree."

"You heard that?" Sam asked, pulling his hand away self-consciously. He'd been private about his prayers since he was little—he could only feel horror that one so heartfelt and hurt had reached the ears of another. Gabriel sighed.

"Sometimes angels can hear prayers—we always hear the ones addressed to us, but sometimes we hear ones intended for others if God wants us to. Usually it means we're supposed to step in for him. You didn't really think I messed up after so many Tuesdays, did you?" she asked, smiling softly.

"You…You let yourself get caught? Because of my prayer?" Sam asked breathlessly. It changed the whole scenario in his mind—the archangel's warnings suddenly so much more meaningful. Gabriel hadn't just tormented Sam and warned him without understanding. Gabriel knew what Sam had gone through, to some extent.

He would later wonder if that's the moment he realized he kinda sorta didn't mind the archangel being around that much. Things became muddy the moment Gabriel got his vessel.

…

A/N: Fem!Gabe is a temporary state for those who were worried, 'kay? Contrarily, if you were all about it, don't fret yet; she's sticking around for a few chapters first.