Resident Arms
Chapter 3: The Sons of Sparda
Sparda was not having a very good day; not only did his pot roast burned, but he was just told off by a short Legolas-looking man in a funny hat. After that little incident, he had fallen into a depressed state, which is unusual for a happy-go-lucky demon lord like himself. He decided to just try to forget the situation and watch a little Telemundo….because that's what he calls it…he calls it Telemundo. "WELL AT LEAST I STILL HAVE YOU, STORIES!" said Sparda as he turned the T.V on just in time for As The Planet Namek Turns. "OH, GOOD!" said a particularly excited Sparda. "I DIDN'T MISS IF THEY WERE GOING TO FIND OUT IF JARDIN WAS THE SON OF SAPURU OR IF THAT TROLLUP, PENDARA ADMITS THAT TRENDE, SAPURU'S EVIL TWIN, IS THE ACTUAL FATHER!" Just as Sparda uttered those words the T.V signal went out and all that was left was the sight and sound of static. 'OH. MY. GOD! I AM HAVING THE WORST DAY EVER!" Unbeknownst to the Demon Lord, his day will continue to go down that road.
After a busy day of biological research, guestbook revising, and complete global saturation Wesker finally found some downtime and was reading the paper, when all of a sudden a boy with white hair, wearing a long red coat, and carrying a gigantic sword came crashing through the door, completely demolishing it and the glass windows around it. "WHAT THE HELL!" Yelled Wesker as he got up from his seat, but the young man paid no attention to him. Wesker was about to get ready to choke a bitch when another boy came lunging through the hole after the first one. This one looked almost identical to the guy he was attacking only his hair was slicked back and he had a long blue coat. Blue pulled a katana from seemingly out of nowhere and crossed swords with red, both looking at each other with intense hatred. The finally broke free of this and began exchanging blows; both matching each other's speed with ease. Both of their auras began to gain vast amounts of power when a voice called out from the exterior. It was no ordinary voice, but a voice of extreme frustrated anger.
"HEY! STOP! IT! BOTH OF YOU!"
The two boys stopped and looked in the direction of a female with long blonde hair that was clearly annoyed stomping towards them. The woman grabbed both of them by the ears and then walked towards Wesker. "Ow! Heey!" yelled Red in immense ear pain.
"Moooom, Stop it!" Yelled blue, trying to loosen her grip. The mother retaliated by pulling harder while getting closer to the counter.
"Not until both of you calm your asses down!" She yelled. Without batting an eyelash, she turned to Wesker and her voice changed into a peaceful tone. "I am so sorry about this." She apologised to Wesker.
"You're…sorry? Those hell spawns just hulk smashed my building!"
"I know, my husband will pay for the damages, he is one of your tenants actually. We were going up to meet him, mister…?"
"Wesker…alright…" sighed Wesker. "What's your husband's name?" Wesker then brought out his guestbook and opened it.
"His name is Sparda."
Wesker stopped looking through the book and looked back up at the woman with a puzzled look on his face.
"Sparda?"
"Yes."
"1301 Sparda?"
"I guess…"
"Huge booming demon?"
"Sounds like him."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"…Really?"
"YES! I boned a demon! What the hell don't you get about that? How do you think they got so powerful?"
"My god, Woman! Did they just shoot from your loins?"
"Look why don't you mind your damn business and let us go up." She then turned to her boys and pulled them closer. "Now, Dante" she said to the one in Red, "Virgil," she said, looking at the one in blue. "Tell Wesker you're sorry!" They both looked at him with disgruntled looks on their faces and quietly apologised in unison.
"…sorry…"
"Sure, whatever, just go away." Said Wesker as he sat down and began reading the paper again. The three got in the elevator (with Dante and Vigil shoving each other most of the way) and made their way to room 1301. She frantically knocked on the door until the Demon Lord answered.
"YES, WHAT DO YOU WA…EVA?" He said in a somewhat panicky voice. 'W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"What am I doing here? Oh, I don't know…It might have something to do with these two walking atrocities that you help make!"
"WHAT ABOUT THEM?"
"Well, that's ALL you've helped with! I've had to deal with them for too long, they're your problem now!" Eva nudged them into Sparda's apartment and began to walk away.
"BUT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM?" Sparda called out to Eva.
"I'll give you a hint: Don't buy them freaking swords, Dick!" Eva then proceeded into the elevator and disappeared behind the doors. Sparda rubbed the corner of his eyes and silently cursed himself as he shut the door and turned around only to be face to face with his two sons.
"SOOOOOO…HOW'VE YOU BEEN?" said Sparda desperately trying to move away from the awkwardness.
"Nothing much." Responded Dante "Actually, quite recently, we just came across our absentee father and have been forced to live with him in his rat infested hellhole of an apartment…but I might have told you that one before…."
"OK, I GET IT, STOP BEING A SMARTASS!" complained Sparda.
"Well, he's an ass, so you're half right." Said Virgil
"You're just jealous, Vagil!" Dante shot back as he stuck out his tongue.
"In what reality would I be jealous of you, Dumbte!"
"Shut up! I'm not stupid!" Retorted Dante as he pushed Virgil out of irritation
"Well, don't reference me as female genitalia!" Virgil said as he pushed him back
"Jackhole!" he pushed back.
"Deadbeat" he pushed back.
"Douchebag" he pushed again.
"Scum" he pushed again.
The sibling rivalry finally went too far and they pulled out their swords and began fighting again. Dante swung Force Edge at Virgil's face but he easily jumped out of the way as Dante's sword smashed into Sparda's T.V set. As Virgil was gliding downwards towards him, he pulled out Yamato ready to attack, but Dante pulled out his pistol, Ebony, and shot a bullet toward Virgil who deflected it into Sparda's autographed picture of Tom Jones and landed and immediately rushed towards his brother. The clashed swords once again in a desperate struggle to gain the upper hand.
"HOLY CHRIST, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS CRAP TODAY!" said Sparda. He walked up to his sons and separated them by picking them up and throwing them to the opposite sides of the room. "OK SERIOUSLY GUYS, YOU GOTTA STOP BREAKING MY STUFF! LOOK WHY DON'T YOU GO AND CHECK OUT YOUR ROOM."
Virgil got up and dusted off pieces of Sparda's mahogany coffee table from his coat. "Don't you mean check out our rooms?" he questioned.
"…NO."
"Well, I see no problems happening with this situation." Said Dante with only a hint of sarcasm. He got off of Sparda's prized fichus and followed the rest of his family into a small room with a bunk bed inside of it.
"Dad…why do you have a bunk bed already? Questioned a slightly confused Virgil.
"OH, I FIGURED YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE SICK OF YOU TWO AT SOME POINT AND DUMP BOTH OF YOU HERE AT MY DOORSTEP SO I GOT IT JUST IN CASE."
"Oh…oh thank god." Said a relived Dante. "He walked towards the bed and began to climb the ladder. "I call the top bunk."
"You can't have the top bunk, Dante." Said Virgil as he grabbed him by the arm. "It belongs to a true son of Sparda."
"Oh, for god's sakes Virgil, we're twins!" yelled Dante. "There is no possible way you could be a true son of Sparda if I'm not!"
"…Well…I'm the oldest."
"By like 30 seconds!"
"Exactly." Virgil said as he pulled him from the ladder and began to climb up himself.
"Why are you such a dick?" asked Dante as he forcefully traded places with him.
"Call me what you wish, you're still not getting the top bunk."Said Virgil as he pull his brother down.
"We'll see about that!"
The two brothers repeatedly pulled each other down and slapped each other's hands away trying to claim the top bunk for themselves.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Said a rather irritated Sparda. "YOU GUYS ARE, LIKE, 27! HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!" Sparda didn't wait for an answer to his rhetorical question and walked out of the room to leave his offspring to their own devices.