Coming Out
Chapter 3
A/N: So originally, this was supposed to be a two shot. I'm pretty sure I marked it as complete when posting rather than in progress, and I had every intention of stopping with chapter two, leaving it open ended and what happens open to readers interpretation. However, there was a review asking for an update and I did have this floating in my head after the completion of the last chapter. I intend for this chapter to be the last one.
On another note, I don't respond to all my followers' reviews individually, but I will address some of them within the Author's Notes of my chapters. There was one stating they didn't believe Elliot would react to Luca being gay the way he did, and really didn't seem to like the way his character in the last chapter was written. I am fully aware of what Elliot's beliefs are in the show itself, but I sometimes like to switch things up in fiction.
As someone who is gay, I know that it is not by any means a choice and coming out to certain people isn't easy. As unfortunate as it is, not everybody is able to love and accept their child or loved one being gay. My intention here, in writing Elliot the way I did, was for the sake of the story; to show that it isn't always easy, and sometimes when people come out they find acceptance from people and places they least expected it, while those they most expected to accept them have a harder time with it or don't at all. I couldn't possibly please all of my readers, and I'm sorry to have disappointed any of you, but I will always write and continue to share in hopes that there will be something else I create that may appeal to you. I appreciate all feedback regardless, and thank you all for your follows and your readership.
"Mommy, why is Daddy mad at Luca?"
I sat cross-legged on my daughter's carpeted bedroom floor, brushing the long blonde hair of one of her many Barbies, and tying it into a high ponytail.
"What makes you think he's mad?" Her eyes had a sadness in them I hadn't seen before as she stopped trying to squeeze a dark skinned doll into an almost-too-tight fitting dress, glancing at me before fixing her gaze on to the floor.
"Luca's at Auntie Alex's and never comes home with me, and you and Daddy don't act the same. Did Luca do something bad?"
I set down the doll I had been dressing and sighed, running a hand over my face, not knowing for the life of me how I would come up with an explanation that would satisfy my overly inquisitive child.
"No, Lills, he didn't do anything bad."
"Then why doesn't he come home?"
"He and Daddy just need a little break from each other for a while, but he'll be home soon."
"I miss him."
"I do too," I said, hoping that the part I had told her about her brother returning home would be a truth that occurred sooner rather than later.
###
"You want some breakfast? I know it's a little late, but I was craving breakfast food. I made way too much. You've been in here working forever, I figured you'd be hungry."
Not waiting to hear her answer, I placed the heaping plate on the corner of her desk anyway, figuring she'd either realize how hungry she was upon seeing it, or eat it later.
"Aw, thanks love, I'm starving."
I smiled, watching with amusement as she dug voraciously into the huge stack of pancakes doused in syrup in the middle of the plate.
"You're welcome. What are you working on, anyway?"
"Oh, y'know, lawyer shit."
"I couldn't do what you do."
She looked at me quizzically, raising an eyebrow and cocking her head to one side. "Why not?"
"I don't know. Just, the shit you see everyday; people being raped, beaten, abused, murdered, sometimes at the hands of their own families. I don't know if I'd have enough self control not to kill them myself, never mind sitting with them and hashing out plea bargains and shit."
A smirk played at the corner of her mouth that I could still make out as she sat, scribbling furiously, on a stack of legal papers she'd temporarily abandoned her pancakes for.
"I have my days, trust me. I'd like to strangle some of them, but then there are the few that get caught up in the mistakes of others and suffer for it, and I'd like to think that maybe even if they aren't completely good people, they're not entirely bad either. I think some people can be helped and some people do change."
I sat on the couch across from her desk and looked intently at her.
"Do you think Dad can change?"
Watching her mouth open and close repeatedly, I knew she was undoubtedly trying to choose her words carefully, either hoping she wouldn't say the wrong thing or attempting to come up with a response that would hide how she really felt.
"Luca, he loves you. I know he does."
"He's a douche."
The expression on her face changed suddenly from one of perplexity to amusement, her lips becoming somewhat contorted; It was obvious she was trying (and failing miserably) to conceal laughter.
"He definitely can be one, yes. Really though, his intentions are always from the right place."
"How is it possible to look at anyone's intentions as good, when they've disowned and denied their own kid?"
"Like I said honey, being in the job I'm in, I've seen a lot of losers. There are a ton of bad people, but there are also some people who make bad decisions because they don't know any better, or don't know how to cope. I don't agree at all with your father telling you to leave, and he can be an idiot, but I don't believe he's a bad person. He may just not know what to say. You could talk to him."
"And say what? I can't tell him I'm sorry for being who I am. The realization that I'm gay was a difficult one to come to, but I won't apologize for it just to placate him."
"Nobody expects you to do that, Luca. But if nobody makes the first move, things'll just stagnate. There's not much you have to lose now, is there? No matter what happens, you know you still always have your Mom and I."
The attorney in Aunt Alex did a damn good job of convincing people she was in the right, even when they so badly wished she were wrong.
####
"He's so tiny."
"Except for his cheeks."
I watched by her bedside in the stodgy little hospital room that smelled heavily of bleach and antiseptic as she stared intently down at our newborn son.
"Yeah, he's got chubby cheeks."
"Definitely doesn't get it from me."
She looked up at me then, and I became quickly aware that even though he didn't have either of our cheeks, he did bear a striking resemblance to Olivia.
"I think he looks like me the most, but he has your nose, El."
His little face puckered into a look of disdain, he wailed a short cry as if to protest his mother's declaration.
"Uh-oh. Disagreeing with Mommy already, are we?"
"Oh you wait, it's only getting started."
I heard the familiar voice before I saw the body that held it, and didn't have to look up to know who it was. Alex Cabot stood leaning against the doorjamb, smiling across the room at my wife and the bundle she held in her arms.
"Hey," Olivia said, looking over at her as she crossed the room and seated herself at the side of the bed I was not occupying. "You wanna hold him?"
"You bet I do."
As I watched her take him carefully from his mother's embrace and tuck him protectively into her own, I was in awe of how easy it all seemed to come to her. With no kids of her own, I wondered for a moment where she'd gotten the expertise which now made being with our son seem so effortless to her. As his father I was obviously protective, even just having met him, but I was scared beyond belief. What if I ruined him? Liv and I were now responsible for keeping this beautiful little pink thing alive, happy and healthy for at least the next eighteen years of our lives. Being in the job we both had, we knew the world wasn't always as pleasant as we wanted it to be. There were things I never wanted my kids to know even in passing, never mind see or learn for themselves. Fear was not something I detected on Alex's face as she held and rocked our son, and I envied that. I couldn't stand the thought of ever seeing my child hurt, or being the cause of that hurt myself.
"Auntie Alex is gonna spoil you, Luca. Yes, she is. I'm your favourite, remember that."
"God, don't brainwash the kid," I said, laughter creeping into my voice.
"Oh, whatever. Seriously though, he's perfect."
"Thanks," I smiled warmly at her, in the back of my mind wishing my firstborn could stay this innocent forever.
####
"Elliot? Are you listening to anything I'm saying at all?"
My wife's exasperated tone echoing off the walls of the adjacent kitchen pulled me out of my recollections, and I quickly tried to remember something she'd said to me before I'd slipped into daydreaming that I could recount to her to prove I had been listening.
"Yeah, you uh.. you and Cragen were talking about you putting in some vacation time soon. I know."
She cocked her head to one side, looking at me as if I were crazy.
"What? No. I said this thing with Luca staying at Alex's has gone on way too long. I've been over to see him at least twice a week and I know he misses you. You should go talk to him."
You should go talk to him. I knew she was right, I knew I should. I was his father, for God's sake. It's not like he could get a new one if I wasn't going to be one to him, I just felt so conflicted. My child had just told me he was gay. I had dreamed of him being married, us having grand kids, all the normal things a father wants for his child. Now, I knew my son would have to go through hell and back and jump through hoops just to be treated with respect or achieve any of those things. It didn't matter how much progress had been made in the world, I saw the hate in it every single day, and it pained me to know that my son would experience it in any capacity for the way that he was.
"I know this isn't easy for you, honey. I know that. Even if you flew off the handle when he told you, I know you don't hate him. We have gay friends, we've dealt with all kinds of people from all walks of life in our work. Some parents have a harder time accepting that kind of news from their children, but you have to know this isn't a decision he made. It doesn't change who he is, and he still needs his father, probably more than anyone else right now. Please talk to him. If you don't know what to say, go over there anyway. It's a start."
Opening my mouth to say something, I closed it again when a knock at the door caused Olivia to move away from my line of vision and out of earshot. I heard muffled voices before seeing Alex and Luca make their way into the room.
"I brought him here. It was my idea for him to talk to you, Elliot. Please, listen to him." She squeezed his shoulder, and he stepped forward coming closer to me before speaking, Alex and Olivia leaving for another room providing us the privacy they believed we needed.
"Hey Dad."
He made eye contact, but struggled to keep it, trying to look anywhere but at my face.
"Hey, kiddo."
I watched him drag his feet back and forth across the floor, what he said next made almost inaudible by sounds of his shoes connecting against wood.
"I missed you."
"I missed you, too."
He looked directly into my eyes for the first time since he'd been there.
"Do you hate me?"
I thought back to the day he'd been born, images flooding my head, and looking at the young man he was now in front of me, hoping I hadn't fucked up irreparably.
"No, Luca. I don't hate you. I couldn't ever hate you even if I wanted to."
"Then why did you say such awful things the night I left?"
I ran a hand over my face, cautiously picking my next words, hoping that they'd be the right ones to fix the damage, or at least start.
"Sometimes bud, even though parents are supposed to love their kids, it's not so easy. I have seen people do horrific things to their own families that I tell myself I could never dream of doing, but then I sometimes think of their situations, and wonder if I'd actually do any differently if I were as desperate as some of them claim to be. You can tell yourself over and over what you feel, what you think, but when certain things come to be and you have to put those ideas in to practice it becomes a totally different ballgame."
"So, even though you have friends and know people who are gay and support them in their lives from a distance, it's harder to accept the feelings you had when I told you I'm gay because I'm your own kid?"
"Right. Look, Luca, the things I said to you were horrible. I know that now, but in the heat of the moment I was a dick, as per usual when I get upset. Since the day you were born I had plans for you, ideas about how your life would go, and I think every parent goes through realizing their child may not live their life exactly how their parents imagined they would, whether they're gay or not. I want you to be happy, but more than anything I want you to be safe. I see so much hate and ugliness at work, that I want to protect you from all of it. I know I can't, but I'll always want to. No matter how much the times change and how many doors are opened, there are people out there who will make your life more of a hell than I'd ever like to think about for you being gay."
"I know that, Dad. But I'm gonna have to deal with it. As hard as it may be for you to hear, there have already been times I've been targeted for people thinking I was gay. Now that I'm out to you, and will soon be out to other people, there will be many more times that I come into contact with people who don't understand and just want to be malicious, but you don't need to be one of them. No matter what you're afraid of, I'd like to think that you and Mom raised me well enough without sugar coating things so that I'd grow up and be able to handle myself. Lilian too. We need you on our side, not against us."
You don't need to be one of them; we need you on our side, not against us.
I let that sentence roll over and over in my brain, and realized I hadn't done so bad. I'd had a hand in this boy being able to articulate himself to me as well as he was. As much pain as the world held, most of it didn't last forever. The choices we made had a hand in fixing many things, sometimes even the ones we never knew needed fixing in the first place. I made a decision, sitting across from my only son, to go down the road that would eventually lead us closer together.
"Tell me about Jarrett..."