Disclaimer: I'm not a manga-ka, so how can this belong to me? Yes, Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite Sensei who tortures us with his plot twists.
Spoiler: If you've read this far, you should know that everything here is the spoiler for the ending of Soul Society Arc
Reference: Chapter 182 & 183 (Actually, the whole thing is more or less based on 182, 183, so don't read it if you don't want to know what Ichigo is doing)
Ramblings: Yes, it's a big over-analysis of everything that Ichigo does. So it's thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts. Angst. Ha. Don't we love it.
Liar Liar
Stupid window…
Ichigo was crouching on the ledge of his room window, feeling stupid as he was locked out of his own house. He wondered if he could possibly just pass through the window since he was after all, more or less a spirit right now. He had only seen something like that once, when Rukia had just emerged out of his wall the first time they met…
Rukia…
Damn it.
Ichigo started banging on the window to wake up the idiotic Kon, who was probably having some idiotic dream, judging from his idiotic expression. He was seriously starting to get annoyed when Kon suddenly woke up, probably from his dream, rather than the loud knocks on the window that did not seem to reach his deaf ears no matter how hard Ichigo pounded on it.
Kon excitedly opened the window and started rambling, all of which, Ichigo was not interested in listening. Kon, in his typical idiocy, was rather slow in realizing that Rukia was not with him.
"Eh? Where's Nee-san?" Kon asked.
Ichigo froze, although he was expecting the question. He was glad he was back facing Kon because he did not want anyone to see the expression on his face right now. No one needed to know what he was feeling right now.
"She's in Soul Society," he managed to say, his voice betraying none of his emotions.
"What! Then what did you go to Soul Society for!" Kon yelled vociferously at him, making a great deal out of it, as Ichigo had predicted he would.
Ichigo slammed the shinigami permit that Ukitake had given him onto Kon's head and just as he hoped, the pill that contained Kon's soul popped right out and his body fell lifelessly onto the ground.
"I'm sorry," Ichigo said as he picked up the green pill, speaking to it directly. "I'll listen to your grievances tomorrow. I just want to have a good rest today."
And I really cannot deal with this right now.
Ichigo lay on his bed in his physical body, not realizing how exhausted he actually was. Not exactly physically worn out, but more of emotionally drained. He was back. This familiar bed, this familiar room, this familiar world… yet none of them could comfort him. He felt so stupid, thinking that perhaps Rukia would change her mind at the very last moment and return with him… stupid, truly, utterly stupid.
She's staying.
That's right, she's staying.
She there right now, and I'm here right now.
That's right, she stayed.
Of course she'd stay.
Ichigo turned to lie on his left side, facing his closet. The closet.
Stupid closet.
He then turned again to lie on his right side instead, facing the wall this time and his arm resting under his head.
She belongs there.
She made the choice herself…
…
Damn it, stop thinking about her!
Ichigo turned again and was back to his original position, on his back and staring straight at the ceiling.
Don't hold on.
Don't hold on.
Don't hold on.
I had to say things like, "Isn't that a really good thing?"
What crap.
It's not like it isn't a good thing or anything, but that isn't really what I wanted to say.
Damn it.
…
I didn't want to see you cry.
No… not for me, ever…
He placed the back of his forearm against his forehead. A silent sigh escaped.
What did that stupid girl do to me?
All these unfamiliar feelings…
…
Rukia…
Ichigo turned his head to look outside the window.
The sky's different without you, Rukia.
Even if I said the sky wasn't that different then.
I don't know why, but… it's just different.
"It seemed so much time had passed," Ichigo said softly to himself, "Yet at the same time, it didn't seem that long."
He sat up as he heard a lot of commotion. Then his father suddenly burst into his room with his usual flying kick attack. The usual ruckus went on in his room with his father, while his sisters, as usual, did nothing to stop their insanity. Everything was per normal. So normal, it felt strange.
The world still stays the same, doesn't it? Even though that now you're gone?
- - - - -
1st September
School had begun.
As he got dressed for school, he could not stop but glance at the closet door, as if expecting it to open at any instant. He wanted to restrain himself, but he could not stop his body from moving towards the closet door and sliding it open, only to see that there were nothing more than the extra futons folded neatly inside. His grip on the door tightened as he berated himself for his fatuous thoughts and fatuous actions. Berated himself for hoping to once again see that familiar petite figure hop out of the closet and disappear out from the window. Berated himself for opening the closet door with that hope. Berated himself for his lack of self-control.
I'll never see her again.
That's all there is to it.
So just stop it already.
He slammed the door shut furiously, unable to contain his agitation at his foolishness.
Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!
He then glance at his watch, realizing that he should stop standing there like a moron and start moving if he did not want to be late for school. He had placed back Kon into his original plush toy body, but for some unknown reason, Kon's body was in a wreck. If it was the usual Ichigo, he would have made fun of him with some sardonic comments, or just laughed, or tried to make the situation worse. But today, he did not have the energy to do that, only managing to respond with some slipshod apologies to Kon's incessant and exaggerated accusations.
As he stuffed his wallet into his back pocket, he heard something fall to the ground. He turned and picked up the protection amulet his father had given him before he left during the break. He dangled it between his two fingers, thinking that the amulet probably worked, seeing that he was still alive and kicking after all that happened. Well, though technically speaking, he was not the one carrying it. He wanted to return the amulet to his father, but his father, in his usual unexplainable lunacy, tied it to his shirt in a dead knot, saying that he no longer wanted it. They bickered for a while in their characteristic loud voices, before Ichigo left the house with the amulet still tied to his shirt, because he was unable to untie it.
That usual bickering.
The world still stays the same, doesn't it? Even though that now you're gone?
- - - - - The usual fuss in school.
Asano, with his usual loudness.
Mizuiro, with his usual polite, well-groomed look.
Even Inoue, Ishida and Chad were their usual self, greeting him in that usual manner, as if nothing had happened in the past month.
The only thing missing was Rukia's nauseating trained smile and fake high-pitched voice.
I sure don't miss that.
That's right. I don't miss that annoying little actress.
Don't miss her at all.
Everyone had just settled down in their seats when the permit scared the hell out of him when it shrieked, "Hollow!" in an exceedingly grating manner. He was really starting to question the sanity of the shinigami, but at least no one else could hear it, save for the other three people. And as a faithful shinigami he had become, he found some reason to escape from school and started his immediate mission of eliminating the Hollow.
As he gave the final slash right down the center of the Hollow's mask, he spun around somewhat triumphantly, expecting to see Rukia. Instead, in place of her were Chad and Inoue. For the second time that day, he wanted to slap himself for having Rukia on his mind again.
Stop thinking that she's here!
She's not here! Not here! NOT HERE!
As they headed back to school, Ichigo managed to crack a smile as Inoue chatted with her usual vivacious attitude and Chad with his usual companionable silence.
The world still stays the same, doesn't it? Even though that now you're gone?
But, the world is not the same.
My world is no longer the same. Now that you're gone.
- YL -
Notes: I kept wondering if I should say shinigami permit or daikousyou. Which do you guys prefer?
I don't really know if I like this chapter I've written. Kind of lacking in many things I think. But I've re-read it like... I lost count... so when you read it too many times, it just gets blurry. Any kind of comment is greatly appreciated : )