And the fun begins. Happiness is around a nearby corner, I promise. Review please!

Disclaimer: I do not own HxH, if I did the shounen ai would be openly stated.

Gon.

Killua was staring at him, had been for a number of minutes. The raven haired teen was pointedly ignoring it, focusing on sharpening another stick to skewer food on over the fire they had yet to build. Silence had fallen between them a couple of hours ago, starting out companionable but growing stale and tense all too soon. He didn't understand why. But then Killua had turned to face him, his gaze holding a determination that Gon was not familiar with but knew would cause him trouble.

He was pushing him.

To his credit, the young Hunter hadn't so much as peeked over at the light haired teen since he had noticed. His aura did enough to give him away without having to look. There was a nervous edge to it, a bristling that caused Gon's to shudder, the feeling reminiscent to the caress of static electricity.

He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that all Killua wanted was for him to return the gaze. For some reason, that scared him more than anything.

Killua wasn't about to back down anytime soon.

Gon couldn't help but to fidget under the intense stare. The scrutiny was close to unbearable, as if those pale blue eyes were hunting for his secrets in every one of his movements. He shuddered when he felt Killua blink slowly at him, sensing the fluttering of his eyelashes, the wisps of hair that slightly obscured his view. Without even turning to him, he knew exactly how Killua was looking at him.

He wondered if Killua had ever noticed him looking towards the other like that. He knew he had.

He was offered a sort of quick reprieve as he put the sticks down, getting up to collect the tinder they had managed to find earlier in the day. Killua looked away as he retreated, ensuring that the rocks surrounding the fire pit were close enough to keep the heat contained, but when Gon returned, intent on keeping his focus on the task, Killua was back at it. His hands shook slightly as he worked to light the fire, noticing out of the corner of his eye how his friend's foot inched closer to his. He almost glanced up at that, startled by the thought of Killua initiating anything other than a playful touch, but it never came.

Suddenly, Gon felt an immediate need to get out of his own head. Both knowingly and naturally, he looked up.

He was not met with haunting blue, as Killua had turned away.

There was an overwhelming emptiness that filled the spot which held his anxiety, his mouth going dry and eyes dulling. It was a sick twist of fate that with the absence of Killua's gaze Gon felt himself seeking it, wanting to find what was hidden behind the ice in his eyes.

It wasn't fair and worse yet he knew it, hated it, but that didn't mean he could change it. Just as much as he couldn't change the clenching in his heart when he realized that this avoidance was intentional. He stared dumbly at his friend, taking in the other's tense body language, knowing that he was its cause.

Killua.

With Killua looking at him, Gon felt anxious, but when Killua refused to meet his eyes Gon's whole world felt wrong.

It was with great restraint that he kept himself from reaching out and grabbing the other's hand, only the fear that it would evoke the reaction he wanted keeping him from acting. Instead, he clenched his fist, a frustrated feeling bubbling to the surface. He couldn't stand to look, couldn't stand to be looked at, but found himself trapped in the desire for both.

If this was adulthood, then growing up was an act of cruelty.

There was a shifting next to him, and he watched with twisting agony as Killua seemed to shrink at his gaze, curling in on himself in small ways that Gon knew were parts of his defense. His face was blank, but the slight crinkling around his eyes, what little of them he could see, showed clear discomfort. Gon wanted to yell, wanted to apologize and simultaneously blame him, wanted to hug him or hit him or something just to confront the fact that nothing was right.

Nothing was as it used to be.

He knew he was the cause, and that only made it harder to deal with. If Killua had a problem, he would have pestered him, joked around about it until the younger teen had eventually caved and then told him everything was alright. He would have put an arm around him, pulled him against his strong shoulder and told him that it didn't matter, that Killua was Killua, the Killua he had wanted in his life from the very beginning, and nothing would change that.

But when Gon had a problem, the world turned on its axis and collapsed. It had happened before. He was afraid of it happening again.

A small part of him wondered why Killua never said anything, why he was so willing to go with Gon's flow and accept whatever he had to give him, be it good or bad. The rest of him was grateful; grateful that Killua was willing to give him a chance to work through it even if he was hurting because of it.

Gon hated that he was hurting him, but more so he hated that he knew he was hurting him.

"Here," the first word to break the silence, but they still avoided each other's eyes. Killua was leaning over the small fire, skewering small fish on the sticks that Gon had shaped and placing them near the flames. Gon just watched as he worked, poking at the cindering kindling that was closest to him.

The night passed as such, eating in the no longer friendly silence, both of their minds focused inward, on themselves, on each other, on why, suddenly, they were no longer them.

Gon almost missed the sad, tired sigh that slipped past Killua's lips as they parted to prepare the ground for sleep. It was quiet, but his keen hearing picked it up, listening to everything the small gesture said and held. That night was the first in many that he did not look at the other in sleep, staring up at the stars, disturbingly awake.

If he kept this up, Killua would surely leave.