I hope that this is an unnecessary disclaimer, but I'll say it anyway: I do not dislike Thane. Like the first chapter, this story is written around a Shepard who is extremely cold and... well, emotionally scarred. She doesn't like a lot of people. Her fighting with Thane is a moment where she lets the mask she wears slip.
Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this chapter on the whole. I like certain details, but I wonder if I give too much away and if it's too clue heavy. If anyone has an opinion I'd like to hear it.
Oh, and if you're curious as to why this chapter follows Kasumi instead of Thane (the logical choice) there are two reasons. First, it is more fun to write from Kasumi's point of view in my opinion, and also I needed someone with an intense curiosity and penchant for puzzle solving to pull off what I wanted in this chapter. I also wanted to keep a certain level of distance from both subjects (Shepard and Thane). Enjoy.
~N.Q. Wilder
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Redemption
Savoring the feel of paper crinkling between her fingers, Kasumi turned the page in the book she was reading. As she took a deep intake of breath, she could smell the warm, musty odor of the ancient relic; a mixture of dried glue from the spine, the old leather cover, and years of traveling from hand to hand had marked the book with a distinct scent that the thief found oddly comforting. Other people probably thought a desire for these old books was a silly inconvenience, but of all the things that Kasumi owned her books were perhaps the most precious.
She was completely absorbed in the book when a sudden crash of metal striking metal jarred her from her reading. Head snapping up, her eyes darted around the room quickly to identify the threat, but she found herself alone on the observation deck. Eventually her eyes rested on the far wall, the one that separated her room from the life support deck where the assassin, Thane Krios, spent his time. The noise must have come from there. Resting the book on the couch as she rose, Kasumi crossed the room and pressed her ear to the wall to listen in. She could hear a loud, although muffled, voice coming from the other room.
It must be Shepard, Kasumi thought, although the realization was startling. No one visited Thane except the commander, and she could hardly imagine Thane shouting. Yet, it was almost as impossible to imagine Shepard shouting at one of the squad members outside of battle; but Kasumi could see the woman shouting if someone was doing something detrimental to the mission. But what could Thane have done to endanger the mission? He always seemed so relaxed and had never questioned the commander's orders. He must have done something though, Kasumi concluded. Shepard wouldn't shout about anything personal. Yes; more likely that Thane did something he shouldn't have.
Shepard was nearly as secretive as Kasumi when it came to her personal life. Ultimately, the thief had mixed feelings about Shepard's clandestine nature. On the one hand, as a professional in her field, Kasumi had to admire someone who so diligently guarded their secrets and maintained focus on the goal. But as the commander's subordinate Kasumi couldn't help but feel uneasy and concerned. When Cerberus had offered her the contract, she had been curious about the famous Commander Shepard and intended to see what was so special about this woman, but had also resolved not to become another mindless admirer. Well, at least I'm not mindless, Kasumi told herself with a grin. There was something fascinating about the woman, and maybe it was the mystery, but Kasumi could also see how destructive the commander's behavior was. Either Shepard was so emotionally reclusive and asocial that she kept a tight lid on all of her personal feelings, or she was keeping distance from others out of necessity. Biting her bottom lip as she thought, Kasumi concluded that the first option was unlikely. Shepard was far from socially inept since she had a magnetism that drew people to follow her. But the second option... it was certainly possible.
And Kasumi wanted to know the reason Shepard kept her distance. There was nothing she couldn't steal after all. Even if the vault was the commander's head, Kasumi would find a way in to discover the secrets.
I might as well start by investigating this little mystery, the hooded woman thought as she sidled over to the corner of the room. Pressing her hands against the ceiling, she found the panel that slid aside to reveal an entrance into the duct system and pulled herself up gracefully. Although it was only a matter of feet to reach a slatted vent that looked into Thane's room, Kasumi moved slowly so that the assassin wouldn't hear her moving through the small, metallic space. Before she reached her destination, she could hear Shepard's voice more clearly and the commander sounded pissed.
She only caught the end of what must have been a rant. "- for your actions?"
Thane's reply was calm and level like always, but he certainly sounded alarmed by Shepard's outburst. "Drell see it differently. It is hard for you to understand." Kasumi reached the vent and peered down into the room, while still taking care to stay in the shadows so that the assassin's keen eyes wouldn't pick her out. She activated her cloaking device just to be safe. Thane sat with his hands folded on the table, staring across at Shepard who was standing with fists at her side. Behind her was an overturned chair leaning awkwardly against the wall. That must have been the source of the noise, Kasumi thought. Obviously, whatever had upset Shepard had caused her to rise to her feet unexpectedly and send the chair tumbling back against the metal wall.
"No," Shepard growled, a threat lacing her tone. "You can't say it's different and leave it at that. It isn't different!" She slammed her hands down on the table and glared at him. "You are responsible for every action you take, just as I am responsible for the things I do. There is no difference."
The thief raised an eyebrow and studied Thane for an answer. What had he done? Even in battle, Kasumi had never seen Shepard so angry. But surely, she would have heard if Thane had done something to endanger the mission. If it was really that big of a deal, Kasumi was sure she'd have heard about it.
"Shepard you have to understand," Thane answered diplomatically, though there was an audible strain to his voice. "Drell believe in a soul distinct from the body. As I understand, humans also believe this. We just take it more literally. My body may kill people, but my soul does not."
What on earth is this about? Kasumi wondered. What does philosophy have to do with this argument? Did Thane kill someone that Shepard wanted to keep alive?
"Don't give me that bullshit!" Shepard snapped. "You make your own decisions, no one makes them for you. I've killed a lot of people. I've hurt people. I've done terrible, horrible things." Shepard spat out the words quickly, but also emphasized what she had done. To hear the commander admit to so much harm made Kasumi shiver. "And you've killed people, Thane. You've hurt people. You've done terrible things. But the difference between us is that I own up to what I have done. When I die, it will be with all those sins upon my soul." The look on Shepard's face was so grave that Kasumi suddenly felt ashamed for eavesdropping on the conversation. If the commander caught her listening in on this outburst... there was no doubt in Kasumi's mind that Shepard would make her regret it. Immensely.
Still, she couldn't tear herself away from the argument now. It seemed obvious that what Shepard was saying was important, as well as a major slip-up. Her rage had gotten the best of her and she was revealing something of herself that no one else was ever meant to hear.
"You know, at first I thought we were a lot alike, Thane," Shepard said as she began to pace back and forth. Her posture spoke of a barely contained anger, a predator stalking and biding her time. "When you killed Nassana you said that you had to pray for your wickedness. But now you're telling me that you don't feel any responsibility for the lives you've taken. Well, which is it, Thane?"
The drell shifted his shoulders slightly before answering, obviously weighing his response. "My employer killed Nassana. My body was simply the tool that was used. The prayer for the wicked was to purge myself of any wrong doing I might have accidentally done along the way. Anything that might not have been done directly out of my employer's will."
The commander's eyes were narrow slits when she shot a fierce gaze at him. "Unacceptable," she spat, as if the word tasted toxic in her mouth. "Stuff like that can't just be erased. You can't just say you're sorry and expect to be forgiven. Do you think the mother's of the soldiers I sacrificed on Torfan would forgive me if I told them I was sorry? How about Ashley's sisters? Would it make any difference if I said I didn't want to sacrifice their sister? They'd still hate me, and rightly so. We have to carry the people we kill with us, Thane. There is no forgiveness for people like us."
The drell sat silently, staring at Shepard as if she had transformed into a different person. And in a sense she had; at least, she was no longer the same woman Kasumi had known before. To hear Shepard speak now, it almost seemed like she were uttering some kind of religious dogma - though her stance on there being no forgiveness was counter to most religious doctrines. Yet, the similarity still felt eerie coming from Shepard. Kasumi had always pegged the commander as a woman completely removed from belief. Now, that same woman stood talking as if she knew something other people did not; and that something was far beyond the physical world. Does this have something to do with the fact that she died once already? Kasumi wondered. Maybe she does know something other people do not.
Still standing across the table and staring intently at Thane, Shepard suddenly blinked rapidly as if she were surprised to find herself on the life support deck. Obviously it had just dawned on her how much she had let slip and she was uncharacteristically wide-eyed and unsure. Kasumi leaned forward intently to see if the commander would try to back-pedal on what she had said or if she might become angry at her own outburst. Then the commander's green eyes were gazing intently in Kasumi's direction and the thief instinctually shrunk back. Her heart pounded wildly as she wondered if Shepard had seen her and dread sat like acid in the pit of her stomach. But the commander's stare passed over the vent and scanned the rest of the room just as intently. Kasumi realized, with a great deal of relief, that Shepard must be thinking about the hidden monitoring devices in the room placed there by Cerberus. No doubt the Illusive Man would see the video of that little rant, not to mention Miranda too. By her pained facial expression, it was clear that the thought did not please Shepard.
With slow, deliberate movements, Shepard bent down to pick up the chair she had knocked over and righted it at the table. Even from her view up near the vent, Kasumi could see the tight line of her jaw and her thin lips. Then, with a bitter tone Shepard said, "Forget what I said, Thane. Do whatever makes you happy. It isn't my place to tell you how to live your final days." Despite the semi-apologetic nature of the statement, it sounded far from repentant. Kasumi could almost hear the mental kicks Shepard was giving herself for being so careless with her secrets.
Before Thane could reply, Shepard moved past him and headed for the door, her fists clenched at her side. Kasumi stayed where she was for a while, just watching the drell who seemed equally as confused and disturbed by the event as she felt. Her brain felt like it was split in two: the logical half trying to piece together all the new information she'd learned, while the emotional half felt sympathy for the woman she had come to respect. It seemed abundantly clear now that something was tearing Shepard apart on the inside. Something that as time went on kept rising to the surface, threatening to overcome her. And she carried it alone - maybe because she had to, maybe because she didn't know if anyone would understand - and she would continue to carry it alone.
A sense of helplessness filled Kasumi as she realized that she couldn't help Shepard. Even if she could figure out what Shepard's secret was, she wouldn't be able to save her from it. And it was unfair. All she could do, as selfish as it was, was hope that whatever it was, it wouldn't destroy Shepard before the commander defeated the Reapers. The irony of it made the thief want to slam her fists against the walls of the ducts.
Shepard was the only woman who could save everyone in the galaxy, but no one in the galaxy could save Shepard.