Chapter 3: Emily's Perspective

"Hey, Henry, I'm just going to have a shower, okay?" I called as Henry raced past me into my apartment.

"Yes, Aunty Emmy!" Henry called back, then he slowed suddenly and turned around, as if struck by a thought. "Emmy, if you're going to marry mommy, what should I call you?"

I froze in the process of depositing our groceries on the counter. "Henry, sweetie, I think I gave you the wrong idea earlier."

Henry ran up to me and hugged my legs. "I could call you mama?" he suggested hopefully. "Or mum." He affected a posh British accent. "My friend Susie calls her mom mum. I could call you that if you liked it better? Because Mommy said you went to live in London that one time. We missed you so much..."

Unsure how to explain but flattered that he'd even noticed my absence, I leaned down and picked Henry up. As I walked us over to sit on the couch, I realised suddenly that I still smelled of stale smoke and a wave of shame washed over me. What kind of person was I? Holding another woman's child, getting his hopes up, all while smelling of tobacco and thinking about his mother in a way I had no goddamn right to. Why had I offered to take him? I was nobody's mother. He needed JJ; Hell, I needed JJ...

Henry took my silence badly and I watched his little face crumple. "Don't… don't you want to be my mommy, Emmy?" he whispered, still clinging to my jacket. "Were you just play-acting again?"

"Yeah, Henry, I'm sorry," I choked out. "It's not you. If I were anyone's mom, I'd want to be yours. You know I would."

"Would you want to be my mom more if I didn't eat all your candy?"

"Baby, you know I buy that for you, come on," I pleaded, but he had already begun to cry. "Listen, I shouldn't have said any of that about marrying your mom. It was stupid of me… It's just… Don't you ever play a game and start wishing it were real?"

"All the time," Henry answered through his tears. "I play that I'm an astronaut, or that I get a puppy, or that mommy is happy..."

I was shocked by the last one. "Henry, your mom is happy, Henry. You make her happy. She loves you so much."

"I know," Henry replied but he still sounded meek.

"Why do you think your mom isn't happy?" I asked, taking his hand. "Did she say so?"

Henry shook his head firmly. "She never says she's sad but I know she is, Emmy. Sometimes she looks at me like I'm not there."

"She just gets tired, sweetheart," I tried to reassure him. "It doesn't mean she's unhappy."

"But Emmy if you became my mommy, she would have someone to kiss and hug again, except for me," Henry begged. "You could make her breakfast in bed and do dancing together and we could all watch cartoons on Saturday mornings. You could even share my room if you wanted, Emmy. Please say yes…"

My heart was breaking, listening to him talk. He was such a fun, upbeat kid around his mom, I doubted she even knew he worried about her. "Henry, for two people to get married, there's a whole lot of stuff that goes on first… And especially when it's two women… Do you understand?"

"Mommy says that sometimes girls can love girls and boys can love boys and sometimes you can love both and it doesn't matter what you choose," Henry recited dutifully. "So I don't think mom would mind even though you're a girl."

"She'd have to love me, Henry," I whispered. "Like, really love me. You can't force it to happen." I knew I shouldn't be discussing this with him, but there was something about his gorgeous blue eyes-JJ's eyes-that made you want to pour your heart out to him.

"I know mommy loves you, Emmy!"

I smiled at his insistence. "I know she does too, sweetheart - just not in that way. Do you mind if I have a shower now? I'll turn on the TV."

Henry agreed but I knew he wasn't any happier. Still, I needed a few minutes to myself, and as I stood underneath the spray of the shower I couldn't stop the tears from coming. What kind of guardian was I? What did I think I was doing? No kid deserved me as a mother, least of all JJ's sweet little boy. And yet I longed for it. I was already picturing Saturday mornings sat on the couch with one arm around Henry's shoulders and the other around JJ, snuggling into my side. I imagined what it would be like to sit around my kitchen table with those two, eating dinner and exchanging stories; or eating breakfast. I'd put a pot of coffee on for JJ before she was out of bed and she'd wake to the smell, come in, and wrap her arms around my waist, kiss my neck, and then Henry would walk in wearing his stripy flannel pyjamas, rubbing his eyes, and I'd pour Lucky Charms into a bowl and ruffle his hair… Soon the silent tears had turned into sobs and I had to turn off the shower and bury my face in a towel to muffle them. Nothing less compelling than the fact that I had a small kid, sad and lonely, waiting on my couch could have convinced me to leave the bathroom. As it was, it took me only a few minutes to pull on my own pyjamas - my most conservative silk button down and pants - and return to find him.

When I got back, he was on the phone to his mom. "Yeah, I know, I brought my toothbrush," he insisted. "I promise, mom!"

When he saw me he smiled and I was so unspeakably grateful for the reassurance. Swallowing, with a little difficulty, I mimed asking for the phone.

"Mommy, Emmy wants to talk to you!" Henry chimed obediently and the phone was handed over.

"Jayj, how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine, Em. I wish I were home," JJ sighed. "Henry sounds like he's having fun. You must be doing a good job. Thanks again for taking him."

I grimaced slightly. The kid was a good liar. "Hey, it's no problem," I replied, triying to sound upbeat. "You know I love Henry." I gave the little man a wink as he grinned up at me.

"Great, well, the good news is, I should be out of the hospital by 8 tomorrow. I was thinking I'd run home, have a shower, and then come take you and Henry out to breakfast?"

"You don't have to-"

"Em," JJ interrupted. "I want to, okay?" Her voice was firm, but when I didn't protest again, she continued more lightly, "Besides, how often do I get to spend time with my two favourite people at once? Anyway, that's all I called to say - hope you two have a good night. But don't have too much fun without me!"

I tried to keep smiling reassuringly at Henry but in fact my heart was beating fast. Was I really her favourite person next to her son? "We'll do our best," I replied. "Henry, say bye to your mom now."

"Bye, mommy!" Henry shouted obligingly. "See you tomorrow!"

"Bye, Henry," JJ called back. "I love you both. See you tomorrow!"

I knew I was blushing as I hung up the phone and Henry called me out on it.

"Mommy said she loved you and now you're blushing," he declared without wasting a second.

"She said she loved both of us, Henry," I corrected him.

"But you said she'd need to love you to marry you and she does," he insisted. "Emmy, why don't you wanna marry mommy. It'd be so good!"

I know it would, Henry. I know… "I think you and me and your mommy need to talk about this tomorrow," I deliberated.

"Are you going to ask her to marry you?"

"Henry, no!" I knew my voice was getting desperate now. How did JJ do it? How did you argue with him and win without hurting him? I suddenly realised how awful it must have been for her and Will to explain their divorce to Henry. No wonder she'd been desperate for it to work out… "Henry, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to snap. It's just that it's complicated. There are things that people have to do together before they get married, and me and your mom haven't done any of those things."

"You mean like kissing and going on dates?" Henry asked, nodding maturely. "You could do that. I could come too! Maybe we could go on a date to watch Iron Man again!"

I smiled, neglecting to mention just how much kissing had gone on between his mother and I last night. "Do you like Iron Man, Henry?"

The little boy laughed happily. "Silly, Emmy, you know Iron Man's my favourite!"

"Oh, you're right!" I exclaimed, feeling a little more in my element now. "I was just checking because look what I picked up the other day…" I pulled a new DVD from my shelf and held it down for him to see. "Iron Man III - you haven't seen it right? How do you feel about watching it with me?"

Henry's eyes lit up and I knew he was about to say yes - very enthusiastically - but he stopped himself. "Um, mommy says we should sleep early tonight," he replied instead. "Plus, I kinda want to wait to watch Iron Man III with you and mommy… Is that okay?"

I ruffled Henry's hair lightly before placing the DVD back on the shelf. "That sounds perfect, sweetheart. Let's start dinner instead."

Come on, Em. You need to figure this out, I pleaded with myself as I climbed into bed. With Henry lying in the next room, the stakes seemed so much higher than they had when JJ and I were joking around at the hospital. Do you love her? Could you have this life and be happy with her?

I knew without a doubt that I could. It was JJ who had pulled me through all those lonely days when I was on the run - staying up all hours to play online Scrabble across time zones with her. I could always tell when Henry was at her side, helping - his words were shorter, more innocent, as a child's should be. It didn't matter though; our games were never about the final score. I wondered if it would be easier to get my feelings across using Scrabble...

I forced myself to remember the kiss in the alley. Honestly I'd been trying to forget about it, at least until everything became a little clearer.

God, it had been hot... It had also been necessary, I reminded myself. It never would have happened if we weren't on a case. And yet this morning, at the hospital, JJ had asked me twice to kiss her again. I wanted to kick myself for having frozen up, but I'd been filled with fear. Was she joking, or even worse, was she laughing at me? We'd been teasing each other this morning but the more time passed, the less sure I was that JJ had reacted the way I remembered. Yes, she'd been the first to kiss me, but hers had only been light, chaste kisses. I was the one who'd taken it further. And Hotch had seen! I wanted to dig myself a hole and crawl into it. He must think I'm totally pathetic; they both must... I'd told JJ I was gay. Fuck. There was no mistaking what I wanted from that!

I groaned loudly, forgetting Henry was next door. Shortly after, I heard the patter of his footsteps and then saw his head peeking into the room.

"Aunty Emmy, are you okay?"

"Yeah Henry, I'm sorry," I answered, sitting up. "Can't you sleep?"

"I miss mommy," he admitted quietly. "We're you having a nightmare?"

"No, no, I was just thinking," I promised. "Go back to sleep."

I watched his eyes flicker back the way he'd come and his little nose crinkled. "Can't I sleep with you tonight?"

What was I supposed to say to that? There was no way I was making that kid go sleep in a strange room in a strange house all by himself if he didn't want to. At least, that's what I told myself as I held out my arms to lift him onto the bed. Immediately Henry pressed his face into my chest and clung on, his tiny arms barely coming all the way around my sides.

"I love you, Emmy! Don't be sad!" He whispered.

I only just caught the muffled words but when I did it felt like my heart was sinking and swelling all at once. This little boy isn't yours, Emily! I tried to tell myself. You're going to regret letting him in.

But then, like mother like child, Henry had wormed his way into my heart a long time ago.

JJ arrived at my door just after 9:30, looking like she'd run there. She must have been out of the hospital as soon as she could find a doctor to sign her off. More tired than I realised, I'd managed to shower and dress Henry already but was still in pyjamas myself. I thanked my lucky stars that I'd chosen my most conservative pair, because I was already feeling self-conscious about my 'parenting'. Henry sat at my kitchen table with a big glass of juice and a comic with the sound of cartoons drifting in from the next room.

"I'll put on some coffee," I offered hesitantly as I smoothed my hands over my pyjamas. What's that look in her eyes right now…?

"Coffee would be great," came JJ's grateful reply. "What are we reading Henry?"

"Emmy bought me a comic at the shops," he declared. "And she's got Iron Man III on DVD and we're all gonna watch it sometime!"

I blushed at JJ's silence, thankful my back was turned as I fussed needlessly with the coffee. Then, all at once, it was like my fantasy of the night before was being fulfilled. JJ's arms were around my waist before I realised she was even behind me. I tried to keep my body from tensing in surprise. When she spoke, I felt her breath against my neck.

"You do too much for us, Em."

I beat down my first instinct of brushing her comment aside and turned my head to give her a small smile. "JJ, I could never do enough for you and Henry," I replied honestly.

I watched as her eyes fell to my lips, now easily within reach, but was unsurprised and actually pretty relieved when she pulled away. We didn't need to confuse Henry any further than we already had. Still, the feeling of her arms around my stomach, warm through the thin layer of my silk pyjamas, was not one I would be forgetting easily…

"Well, breakfast is my treat," JJ retorted, throwing a grin at her son. "I hope you don't mind IHOP."

Seeing Henry's face light up, all I could think was that I could get so very used to this.