Chapter Three: Lunch
Having lunch first is nice. You don't have to starve through recess and you head out to the playground with a full stomach. The only downside to the fourth graders, who had lunch first and then were sent out to play for recess, is that they had to share it with the first graders.
To the first graders, the fourth graders (except Karkat, obviously) were giants that could squash them, so of course, they basically praised them. To fourth graders (including Karkat because he has a sort of Napoleon Complex), the first graders were gnats, easy to step on and very annoying.
It was strange that the fourth graders held themselves above the first graders when they were the same. They still traded Pokémon cards, they all had Webkinz, and they all still believed in Santa Claus. It was just that the fourth graders were smarter and bigger (except Karkat, again) than the first grades. They could find some common ground, its just that size (not Karkat) and grade were different.
But first graders were persistent still to please the rulers of their school. Only Dave figured out how to abuse that power.
"Go and buy me a cookie Johnny," Dave ordered a small first grader as he chewed on his sandwich.
"M'name'th Ben," the first grader, who was missing both of his front teeth, corrected Dave.
"Yeah, and here's a dollar," Dave gave the first grader a dollar. "Go."
The first grader scurried away to the snack line to get Dave's cookie, leaving his friends astounded.
"Can . . .can you even do that?" Karkat asked Dave.
"What do you mean?" Dave asked with his mouth full of sandwich.
"Are you allowed to order first graders around like that?" John restated the question.
"I dunno," Dave shrugged. "I just met that little guy yesterday at recess and he was willing enough to let me order him around."
"Thmart," Sollux commented with his lisp.
"When are gonna get braces Sollux?" Karkat asked his friend.
"I dunno. It jutht matterth what the orthodontitht thayth at my next appointment," Sollux replied.
"I have to get braces," Karkat grumbled. "I heard the hurt a lot."
"Yeah, Dirk had to get braces," Dave began to tell a story. "And he said that it hurts, but the worst part is when they have to get the mold of your mouth because they fill it with this nasty stuff and the mold is always too big for your mouth so you're basically choking or something like that."
"I don't wanna get braces," John whimpered after hearing that story.
"And then you can't eat things like popcorn or caramel because one time Dirk ate a Twix and ripped out half of his braces," Dave explained. "I wasn't there to see it but he says it happened."
"I don't wanna get braces," John repeated in a smaller voice.
"I got da cookie for ya Mither Thrider," Ben came back and handed the chocolate chip cookie to Dave.
"Thanks, go eat lunch," Dave informed Ben and the first grader scurried away. "Gotta love first graders."
"But Dave, if Dirk got bratheth, doethn't that mean you're gonna have to get bratheth too?" Sollux asked Dave.
"Well," Dave set is cookie down, not even getting to take a bite out of it yet. "Poop."
"So all four of us have to braces," Karkat grumbled. "Wonderful. We'll be the Metal-Mouth Wonders."
"And we'll start a band," Dave objected. "You and John can already play the piano, Sollux can play the elbow, and I can do all the sound effects."
"It'th called an oboe dumb head," Sollux corrected Dave. "And do you think that I can play the oboe with bratheth?"
"I dunno," Dave shrugged. "I've never seen an oboe in my life."
"Why'd you even start playing the elbow?" John asked Sollux.
"Oboe," Sollux corrected John. "And it hath two reedth. It wath that or the baththon, the heckelphone, or the tharruthophone."
"Heckelphone? That sounds like Statler and Waldorf's instrument," Dave joked.
"Thut up that'th not funny," Sollux told Dave. "You watch too much Muppet Thow."
"That's only because it's Dirk's favorite show next to My Little Pony," Dave argued. "So it's either puppets or ponies and the puppets are funnier."
"Tharruthophone?" Karkat asked.
"No, tharruthophone," Sollux tried to correct Karkat.
"That's what I just said," Karkat replied.
"No, it'th the tharruthophone," Sollux tried to explain. "I lithp tho thothe 'th'th are 'th'th."
"I think he means . . . sarrusophone?" John guessed.
"Yeth," Sollux agreed with John.
"Yeah bros," Gamzee came over to the table and inserted himself in between Sollux and Karkat.
"Gamzee!" Karkat exclaimed. "Where were you!?"
"I got lost mothertrucker," Gamzee replied as he started to mix his lunch together on his tray. It turned into a disgusting soup of chocolate milk, chicken nuggets, a broken up cookie, blueberry juice, and cheese Ritz.
"How do get lost in this school?" Karkat protested. "We've been going here since we were in kindergarten! And it's a small building."
"Well I was looking at some mothertruckin colors on this wall out over there," Gamzee pointed off out of the gym, almost hitting Sollux's head, but the lisping fourth grader managed to duck out of the way.
"You mean the new mural," Karkat sighed.
"Yep motherfucker," Gamzee replied as he dipped his hands into his lunch soup and used his hands to scoop it into his mouth. "Ah. Mothertruckin miracles."
"I'm gonna go and throw up," John moved to the other end of the table so he didn't throw up from Gamzee's miracle lunch.
Dave looked at Gamzee's lunch and then stated, "Okay, you're hearing this from the kid who collects dead things that have been flatten in the road and all of their guts splattered everywhere, but that it seriously disgusting."
"You're going to get yelled at one of the lunch monitors for doing that again Gamzee," Karkat warned his friend as he continued to eat. "If you throw that away now I'll share my lunch with you."
"Nah, it's completely fine mothertrucker," Gamzee discouraged Karkat. "Eat your miracle lunch and I'll eat mine."
"Well," Sollux sighed. "Here cometh Lunch Monitor Thlick. I'm movin down."
"Me too," Dave agreed as both he and Sollux fled to the other end of the table.
Karkat was left with Gamzee as he continued to eat his disgusting lunch with his hands as the lunch monitor; Mr. Slick came over to the table.
"What's going on here again?!" Mr. Slick exclaimed. "Did you make another mess!?"
"I'm just eatin the mothertruckin miracle Slick-Bro," Gamzee replied and Karkat did a major face-palm.
"Throw it away then go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. And don't call me Slick 'Bro'!" Mr. Slick growled and walked away.
"I gotcha Slick-bro!" Gamzee called after the lunch monitor.
"And I thought first graders were horrific," Mr. Slick grumbled as he walked away.
"I told you so," Karkat grumbled under his breath as Mr. Slick walked away.
"I'll be right back Kar-Bro," Gamzee got up and began to walk towards the trash when he tripped over one of his untied shoelaces and the "miracle" lunch spread all over the floor and Mr. Slick's new shoes.