Note: Written in my, Andy's, point of view, because it's easier for me. Suck it up.

9/27/11: REWRITTEN, BITCHES.

Chapter 3

"HOW IS THIS ANY BETTER?"

"Ain't it great, luv?"

...

It took Kira, the Delivery guy, and the Delivery guy's friend to first knock out Pirate!England, then repackage him. I kinda feel bad for them if he wakes up during transport. Good news is, we got an entirely new unit in place of the last one.

Though at the moment...I'm not exactly sure if this one is any better.

"Kesesese~ nice ass, wanna see my five meters?"

If you can't guess who that is, then you fail. Like, epically. Forever. What is with these units and molesting me? Next thing you know, they'll send me Russia, who'll want me to become one with him! Fuck, I hope I didn't jinx myself.

"I do!" Kira announced hyperly, immediantly yanking down his pants.

I turned around and went back into the kitchen, trying to scrape the burnt blueberry scones from earlier off the pan. I wanted nothing to do with whatever the hell was going on...

"Mein gott! Save me!" I looked down to see the pantless Prussia trying to hide himself under my apron.

"Prussia~~ Become one with Kira~ kolkolkolkolkol~~."

"She's mad! Was she raised by that bastard Russia or something!"

"Well...she is part Russian..." Andy told him. "Naw, she's naturally like that. Once you get used to it, it doesn't seem as creepy."

"PRUSSIA~~~~~!" Kira wandered into the kitchen, her blue hair flying around with static. If I was animated, there'd be a million sweatdrops on my head.

"Kira, cut it out. You're creeping even me out, and I'm immune to your brain-eating disease."

Kira seemed to go back to normal, at least, her hair stopped flying around and you could actually see her eyes without the creepy shadowy thing. "Aww, Andy! Ruin my fun! Fine, I'll stop fucking with Prussia. BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME STRUDEL!"

I imagined more sweatdrops collecting on my head. "...I was going to anyway. It's sunday, you moron. What am I, your wife?"

"...Yeah, kinda."

Arms encircled my waist from behind me. "You can always be MY wife. You do look good in that little apron. How about you wear JUST the ap-OWW!"

I growled, eyebrow ticking as I put my cutting board back down. "I'm no one's wife! Now go away so I can make dinner!"

Kira pouted and grabbed a case of beer from the fridge. "Come along, Gilbert! We shall get shit-faced while our lovely wife cooks the evening meal!"

"Hear hear!"

"FUCK OFF!" I yelled, hurling a butcher knife at her head. Unfortunately, I missed, and just left a carving in the wall.

Nearly an hour later, we all sat down at the table, enjoying my delicious homecooking of bratwurst and potatoes.

Prussia wasted no time in stuffing his face, both I and Kira going with the sweatdrop image.

"...As long as he stays quiet like this, I'll make German food every night." I sighed, drinking from my milk glass.

"Dude, it's fucking PRUSSIA. Of course he'll eat your food. Because you fucking pwn like that."

I licked my lips. "Remind me to get your laundry out of the dryer. You got work tomorrow." Kira groaned while I smirked.

"Can't I call off...? Please?"

"No. With another mouth to feed, we need the extra funds."

"Fine, but keep my revolver with you at all times, and call me if his royal awesomeness goes over the line."

"I won't give you a chance to do anything."

"You two act like a married couple." Prussia deadpanned.

"Shut up." I grumbled. "Believe or not, we're cousins. We never did introduce ourselves, did we? I'm Andy Nitedream. This is Kira Nitedream."

"Yo!" Kira flashed a V sign. "Ain't it great, luv? We're a family like you always wanted!" Kira teased me.

My eyebrow started tickign again. "I swear to god, Kira...I will fucking MURDER you in your SLEEP..."

"Kesesese~."

Kira flicked her fork at the albino, a muderous look in her eye. "A warning, Gilbert. You are on your BEST BEHAVIOR, or Mama will not hesitate to shoot you in the jewels. Because, unfortunately, he has to take you with him shopping."

"What 's this about!" I shouted, slamming my fist on the table.

"You want people to think we got a fucking Nazi in our house!" Kira demanded. "He can't go out in just his uniform! He can borrow my clothes for tomorrow, but he needs his own."

"Got it Pa! I'll be good for Mom!" Prussia grinned, swallowing another mouthful of food. And apparently missing the entire 'Nazi' comment.

"That's my boy!" Kira gave him a thumbs up. I balked.

"WHAT. THE. FUCK!"

"Dinner was delicious. Thanks, luv!" Kira kissed my forehead out of nowhere and disappeared when she saw me inching for my steak knife.

"...Where's the alka seltzer?" I mumbled, abandoning the table and wandering over to the cabinet above the stove.

The next morning dawned bright and cold. We got Prussia set up in the guest bedroom last night. Yet, somehow, he manage to wander into my room and fall asleep in my bed. In just his underwear.

Kira burst into the room with the gun loaded and ready at my loud scream, to find me NOT clutching my blanket and breathing hard. She DID find Prussia on my floor in his underwear. Poor bastard had it coming. Kira jack-slapped him and threatend to 'blast a cap in his little white-boy ass' if he didn't move it upstairs 'ASA fucking P'.

Coffee is the drink of the gods.

"Did you have to hit that hard, Pa? Jeez, I told you I don't remember how I got there." Prussia was still whining, dressed in a blue button-down shirt and worn-out jeans. Kira was wearing her 'paper-pusher's uniform' except wore BLACK slacks, just to piss off her boss who demanded KHAKI.

"Which tie are you wearing today?" I asked when I set down a stack of flapjacks in front of the two 'men'.

"FUCK YEAH! YOU'RE AWESOME MA!" Prussia shouted, immediantly drowning them in syrup.

"Thinking Death Note. To match my pants. But I'm pissing off bossman enough today, so I'll just wear that blue one your mom gave me for Christmas. This fucking sucks, man."

"Get over it. Another forty years, then you can retire and we can live off your 401k." I sighed, slipping into my seat with a basket of strawberries and a cup of coffee.

We were too tired to act like our normal selves, which is the daily routine for us in the morning.

"Do you want the car or bike today?" Kira asked, standing up to make sure her papers were ready.

"I'll take the car. Too cold for the bike, and Prussia doesn't have any leather." I stood up to take the tie from her and tie it properly.

"Kesesese~! You really do act like a married couple! You're mushier than when Spain started taking care of that little brat!"

Kira grinned and shrugged while I groaned and backed off. "Hey, I am in the market for a wife, but I have to wait until a better job comes along that don't discriminate. Gotta go. See you guys later!"

"Have a good day, Pa!"

I looked at Prussia weirdly. Guy just fitted in too well...he was almost OOC...did he already catch Kira's brain-eating disease?

I grabbed bis manual off the counter and went to refresh my coffee.

"Hey, Ma!"

"I'm not your mom." I deadpanned. He just waved it away like it was nothing.

"What're we doing today?" He asked. I groaned when I remembered.

"We're going shopping, so when you're done, get your shoes on." I told him, not noticing him sliding out of his chair.

"BOO!" He shouted right next to my ear. And no, I did NOT scream, or spill my coffee all over myself.

"WTF, MAN!"

"KESESESESE~~! That was awesome!"

It was almost sundown when I looked over from patting a space empty of snow and freshly turned dirt at the loud roar of Kira's old, restored '92 Honda.

"Honey, I'm home!" Kira called out, swinging her leg over. "...What're you doing?"

"NO ONE, makes me spill hot coffee on myself..." I muttered.

Kira was silent for a moment, then freaked. "OMG, DID YOU KILL PRUSSIA!"

"..."

"Fuck. You're explaining to the company why their test product is 6 feet under."

"Deal."