Disclaimer: Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris. Jessica Hamby belongs to Alan Ball. I'm just stepping up because Bill needs to die.
NOTE: This Sookehverse is the same as 'Niall and Bill's Adventure' and 'Tissues.' As I cross-reference a bit, you might want to read both when you have a chance. Don't worry. They're funny. Bill was in full Angst Whore mode in 'N&B.' Niall wanted to throttle him. Eric's high-handedness really comes out (LOL!) in 'Tissues.'
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Bill Compton had just made his seventh trip carrying recyclables to his car. Since the recent installation of a deluxe recycling room in his former kitchen, the recyclables had been piling up.
Why would Bill get rid of his kitchen? Well, as a 165-year old vampire, Bill had no need for a kitchen. So out came the appliances and cabinets and in went storage bins.
Lots of storage bins.
A bit of a compulsive organizer, Bill had indulged in a number of IKEA purchases including large interlocking bins. Bill now had several bins for paper (separate ones for glossy, computer, and newspaper), plastics (separated by number), metals (not silver, of course), cardboards, and glass (separated by color). Overall, Bill was very pleased with the tidy organization of his recycling room.
That is, he was pleased until he realized IKEA was a Swedish company. Then he was angry.
Swedish, he snorted. Like Eric.
Eric was Eric Northman, the Vampire Sheriff of Louisiana's Area 5. Technically, Bill reported to him. Bill was not exactly Eric's employee. Bill was Eric's underling.
Ah can't stand the word underling, Bill thought.
And Bill couldn't stand Eric Northman.
Eric, Bill sneered silently to himself. With his keen wit and lighthearted ways. Chiseled features and GQ good looks.
Ah hate him, thought Bill.
Just thinking of Eric made Bill very upset. It was because of Sookie.
Ah, Sookeh, Bill thought as he added up his True Blood bottle deposits. She was mah one reason to have a kitchen.
Sookie, a human, had been Bill's girlfriend for a few months a couple of years earlier. It was during their time together that Bill's kitchen saw its most frequent use. Sookie would occasionally prepare meals for herself and eat in Bill's kitchen.
At the time, Bill found himself often disgusted by Sookie's habit of eating. They would often fight about it.
Sookie didn't understand how Bill could drink blood, live in a musty home, and sleep in dirt, yet be bothered by a little oregano?
Bill, however, was relentless in encouraging Sookie to brush her teeth and use Scope. Sometimes he would hide a stick of Dentyne in his briefs so she would find it eventually and get the hint.
Sookie would argue with him, saying that her dentist told her she was brushing away her enamel.
And so the issue continued to fester and prompted more fights. Sookie would act all frustrated and annoyed. Bill, however, regarded it as foreplay. For Bill believed, deep down, that Sookie secretly enjoyed fighting with him.
Now, however, they were through. In fact, Bill was incredulous when he realized it had been nearly two years since their last coupling.
Ah, Sookeh.
Despite his recently renewed sexual relationship with his vampire-sister Judith, Bill still missed Sookie.
Sookie was so alive. Beautiful. Bronzed. Buxom.
But now she was Eric's.
Ah, well. Ah must continue to be the strong man that Ah am.
Bill stood stoically with his arms crossed over his favorite 1985 LeTigre polo shirt.
Pulling himself out of his mental wanderings, Bill went up the porch steps to lock his front door.
One can never be too careful these days. There are many crazies lurking about.
Bill got in his car, started the engine, and sat quietly as he waited for the engine to warm up.
Ah wonder if the Piggly Wiggly True Blood deposit machine is fixed. If not, Ah will have to go to the 24-hour Wal-Mart in Monroe. Ah know it is important to recycle, Ah just wish it were a little more convenient, Bill lamented. Ah don't have all the time in the world.
Once the engine had stopped racing, Bill was ready to go. As he pulled out onto Hummingbird Lane, Bill made a right. Though it was out of his way, he wanted to make sure Sookie was home. He figured he'd just pull into her driveway and confirm that her car was there.
Turning into Sookie's driveway, he saw that Sookie's car was there.
There was a second car there as well.
Bill made a face.
It was a brand new gas-guzzling red Corvette. It could only belong to one person. There was only one person in the area that drove such an environment-destroying ostentatious monstrosity.
Eric, Bill groaned. Ah cannot tell Sookeh what to do. She is a grown woman and if she wants to throw her life away on Eric, then Ah can't stop her.
Bill did a K-turn on Sookie's property, and pulled out on the road to head for the Piggly Wiggly.
Hm, it's been a while since Ah have listened to mah Gregorian Death Chants CD.
Bill popped in his CD and hit play.
The sound of wailing monks quickly filled the Cadillac's interior. Bill nodded his head in time to the music as only he could do.
Ah love this music.
After a few minutes Bill approached the traffic light. Bon Temps, being rural, did not have many signalized intersections. So this was one of the few. Bill could still recall getting caught at this light the night Sookie was taken by the killer fairies. He was only happy he was able to save her from the killer fairies before it was too late.
Bill saved Sookie by calling Eric and saying, "Eric, you must call Niall." Bill figured Eric would not have thought to call Niall—Sookie's great-grandfather and the last fairy prince —had Bill not told him to do so.
Of course, what Bill didn't know was that Eric and Niall had known each other for hundreds of years. The two, fearing their poor comprehension of American slang would be their undoing, had taken an ESL class together during the 1970s. Eric, concerned that his true nature had been revealed when someone asked him if he were ready to "get down," had responded by killing that person. Niall, similarly, had killed a man for shouting "Fairy!" as he had walked past wearing a flowing robe, his long hair upswept in a ponytail.
Recalling Niall, Bill wondered briefly how the fine old gentleman was. He thought they had gotten along quite well during their search for Sookie.
As he sat waiting at the light, Bill leaned forward.
Hm, it really is a rather long light.
Bill looked to the left and to the right. He did not see any vehicles approaching.
He wondered how terrible it would be if he were to run the light? Bill feared losing his driver's license. He found it hard to get around Bon Temps by hovering. He was actually much, much slower than a Segway. Bill's top speed was only about 5.0 mph. The Segway iSeries topped off at 12.5 mph.
While Bill constantly fretted about losing his driver's license, he couldn't understand how Sookie's brother still had his. Bill believed Jason spent half his time drunk. The other half— like this past Sunday evening—the man just seemed borderline retarded.
Bill, frustrated that he was still stuck at the light, finally decided he would just go through the intersection. It wasn't as though he were blowing through it at high speed. He would continue to cautiously check for other vehicles as he inched his way forward.
Thus resolved, Bill moved his foot from the brake to the accelerator.
Inch. Look.
Inch. Look.
Inch. Look.
Just at that moment a tractor-trailer turned onto the road.
Bill happened to be looking in the other direction when the truck appeared.
Then something happened.
Bill felt the music. He shut his eyes in ecstasy. Moaning, Bill was caught up in the reverberating sounds that both pleased and pained him.
Ah love the vibrations as they make my member tingle.
Hubris and joy of Gregorian Death chants taking over during those final moments of his undead existence, Bill's eyes were shut in peaceful reverie as his soul sang and his penis tingled.
The tractor-trailer, slamming into Bill's black Cadillac, proceeded to rip the top off of Bill's vehicle in seconds. The undercarriage of the tractor-trailer, a blanket of steel and iron, seemed ready to caress the former farmer's neckline.
Until the moment that the undercarriage decided that Bill needed to die and then it proceeded to slice Bill's head clean off.
By the time Kenya and Kevin arrived at the scene, all that remained of Bill was a dirty pair of Dockers and a LeTigre shirt.
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Back at Sookie's house, Sookie and Eric sat on the sofa in the living room watching local cable news.
"Lover, I am telling you they interviewed me."
"Uh-huh. We've been watching this for hours. This local news is boring. Let's put a movie on."
"Wait a moment. Isn't that Compton's sad vehicle?"
Squinting her eyes, Sookie looked at the TV screen. She hit the mute button so the voice of the newscaster suddenly filled the room.
"And in other news, the horrific jack-knifing of a tractor-trailer filled with Dockers destined for the Monroe mall resulted in Dockers strewn everywhere at this intersection in Bon Temps. No one was injured in the accident."
"Except," the other newscaster injected some of that special brand of humor only taught at newscaster school, "all those people not knowing what to wear, desperately clamoring for their Dockers."
Newscaster laughter filled the air.
"Yes, well, let's hope they've got it covered— by now."
The two newscasters laughed uproariously at their banter. Not done, there was one last piece of the puzzle.
"An obviously abandoned old model Cadillac at the scene was left damaged."
"Eric!" Sookie turned wide-eyed to her boyfriend. "Do you think Bill might have accidentally got his head chopped off?"
Eric, in the meantime, was pumping his fist in the air triumphantly.
"Yes," he replied simply.
Considering the matter, Sookie frowned.
"I am so glad I didn't pay for that jerk's electrical wiring. He would've died still owing me money!"
"Relax, lover."
Sookie threw a bemused-yet-challenging look at Eric. She didn't say a word.
"Oh, yeah? My wife wishes to be difficult?" Suddenly Eric's long form was stretched on top of Sookie. "You know I have ways of making you relax."
"I know," she grinned.
A/N:
Ha. Did you spot the lemons?
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE:
Affynity deserves a lot of credit. More than just for feeding me ideas. Maybe "creative consultant" is a good term. For one thing, she came up with the subtitle and the 1,001 figure and it didn't even occur to me to say "uh, that's pretty ambitious." So I continue to write, relying on her faith that together we can do this. We can kill Bill. 1,001 times.
I found out yesterday my sister-8 years my junior-doesn't know Mr. Bill! I posted a link to real Mr. Bill. I was surprised to learn Mr. Bill's creator is actually from NOLA. How fitting is that?
PIMPAGE (LOOK AWAY):
I am going to do something I've never done before: pimping one story in another story. This is because I've never had two multi-chapter stories going on simultaneously. ROTSS. I can tell a lot of folks don't make it past Chapter 1. My advice: Skip Chapter 1. JB's all whiny and emo. I get it. You can even skip #2. You can follow along from Chapter 3 easily enough or start at Chapter 12 (this is where all the Stackhouses are home). Bill is in rare form in ROTSS. As a human, he can annoy the shit out of people during the day too. Amelia, Hoyt, and Hunter are plotting 'Teacup' Stackhouses. Pam is snarky. Eric is a little emasculated at first but he finds his balls. Sookie's a barracuda. And Russell Edgington is my revenge on AB. Okay, plug over.
Reviews welcome. Tweet me ideas too! I'm still on Twitter as Miral_SVM.
NEXT UP: Oh No Vampire Bill! Eric installs a 10-foot high white picket fence at Sookie's house. Uh-oh.