Summer returns
After Kelly and I broke up, it was hard, but with Kelly it never really felt like the end. It always felt like a break and we would find each other again. I used this time to focus on Erica.
Then Brenda was leaving. She was one of the first people to have my back. I always found it easy to talk to her. But she was leaving when I needed a friend. At that time I always thought we'd be close. I thought she would always be there to talk to. I never believe that even she, would be a thing of the past. We eventually drifted apart. She didn't feel like the person I could say anything to after that.
Everything was a downward spiral from then on. My world fell apart when I lost Kelly. Suzanne and Kevin conned me for everything I'm worth. But what was worse than taking my money? Taking Erica. My last chance of a family. I couldn't believe it. This could not be my life. I spent that summer going crazy. Isolating myself. I don't think I had spoken to anyone from back home. Not even Iris. The only contact I had, was a dealer. It was time for me to return home. I needed my people. Kelly. The only person that makes me feel alive. Happy to be alive. Brandon, my brother. So I returned.
Bevery Hills, 90210
Back home. At the zipcode. I still sucked at handling my pain. I hadn't spoken to my sponsor in months. I hadn't made any effort whatsoever. I couldn't. I had lost the will to try. Even when I saw people I loved, I couldn't be happy. I was gone... so far gone. Seeing Nat. The true father figure for all of us, kids. I couldn't even show him how much I missed him. I wasn't living, I was barely surviving. I was just... waiting on that thin line between life or death, waiting for some strong winds like the Santa Anas to push me on one side or the other.
Then I saw Jim and Cindy. I resented them. I couldn't face them. If I had listened to Jim, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so screwed over. But I couldn't admit that. Admit defeat? No way. I was rotting in hell. I didn't want to see them. Naturally, Nat was the one guy who'd put me in my place. He was always setting me straight when I needed it the most. But those words cut through me, "You can't blame her for going to Brandon."
May the bridges I burn light the way
You ever felt that moment when your heart drops down into your stomach? Well, I was about to. Kelly with Brandon. Kelly, wearing red. Kelly with Brandon. Kelly kissing Brandon. I couldn't believe it, my best girl... my boyscout... together. I had never felt so betrayed in my life. I finally understood exactly how I hurt Brenda. Losing your first love sucks... but losing the person who is supposed to be your last? horrific.
I couldn't take the pain. Why does misery love company? I needed something... something strong. And if you go to the dirty bars that I've seen in my life, you will find it. I had gotten high when I was younger but I had never succumb to hard drugs. And boy, did I need that. There... I got the alcohol covered... I got drugs... I needed one last painkiller to numb this aching feeling. Sex. But this time, I couldn't just pick anyone. If I had, I'd be thinking about Kelly the whole time. No. I needed a professional. And I found one.
Before you judge me here, just remember, my life had fallen apart, I was drunk, high and in despair. I couldn't think clearly, I was just trying to avoid the pain. And Kelly shows up at my door. I didn't want to see her face. How dare she come over and act like she wants to talk... help me out? no thanks. I had to hurt her. I know how immature that sounds, but in the state of mind I was in, that was all I could think about. I want her to feel the way I feel. She has to know what she did to me... and catching me with a hooker, felt like the best revenge.
I had met Valerie after that. She could handle a casual relationship. Even if it wasn't enough, she understood that, that was all I could offer. There was something about her though, that made me tolerate her presence. She was desperate for a family too. I could feel that. We both were. And it felt nice to be around someone that could relate, someone that wouldn't judge you.
Intervention
Waking up after the high, I felt a little shook up. Cindy was at my door. But I hadn't drowned all my senses in alcohol and drugs. I knew why she was there. She was being a mother. Maybe I couldn't admit that, but I knew.
But walking into the Walsh house to find everyone there trying to help me. Bullshit. Look at them on their high horses, feeling better about their own lives as they pity me. Brandon and Kelly sitting there, trying to support me? Get lost. They were the last people to be helping me, they are a part of why I'm even here. I did appreciate Steve being there though. He and I had many differences, and did butt heads quite a bit, but he was a good guy. For a rich, popular guy, he was humble, he was genuine. But it was David and Donna that convinced me to go to rehab. David, even though he felt more like Kelly's brother than a friend, I admired how close they had gotten, they considered each other family. David was a pure, good soul. He was there for me when my father died. I was there for him when he had his drug problem, and yet again, he was returning to favour. I knew his reason for being here that day, was genuine. And Donna... she may be Kelly's best friend, but she always felt like a little sister. People underestimate Donna, but she's wiser than most. For Donna, life wasn't black and white... she saw the grey. She could point out the perspective you could never see. She was always understanding, and if Donna thought something was a good idea, you can bet your asses, she was probably right. She'd review things from all angles before making a decision. Smart girl. And thanks to those two, I went to rehab.
Rock bottom
You couldn't have expected me to not be reluctant though, right? Forcing me into a gloomy, depressing institution. With a chatty roommate?! It was too much too soon. I couldn't handle that. I needed to escape. So I did.
It was only after my car accident, my near-death experience, that finally encouraged me to get help. My thoughts in that moment were, I still have something to live for. It's not over. I'm not finished yet. Kelly and I aren't finished yet.