A/N: The I am the Doctor and you are the Daleks bit comes from a recording someone did of Matt Smith saying the line and it is so cheesy and over-the-top that I included it here as a joke. If you want to hear it, go to You Tube and search for Matt Smith audio As The Doctor.
Chapter Three
Ah, if only every abduction could be child's play. I follow my nephew who goes into the house briefly and tells me he'll be right back since he has to use the loo. While I wait, I grin when I hear the sounds of laughter outside. My wife sticks her head out of the kitchen when she hears Christopher yelling at me to wait on him.
"Have you been rescued yet?" she asks.
"Nope, just waiting for Doctor Doom to use the bog," I say as I walk towards her.
"Oh. Well, I guess even bad guys have to pee too," she replies.
I breathe in the aroma of cooking food as I near the kitchen. To my delight, I can smell chorizo meat and usually that means she's making tacos with it. My stomach growls just thinking about it. My wife is a wonderful cook and it's because of her that I've developed a taste for southwestern, Mexican and tex-mex cooking. All those years of helping her dad in their Navajo tourist business certainly paid off. If it wasn't for my super-fast metabolism, I'd probably be as big as a hot air balloon by now. I give the love of my lives a kiss and glance over her shoulder. Yup. Chorizo tacos. My stomach growls even more which makes her giggle.
"Almost done, my love," she says, tickling my chin.
"Good, because I'm famished. I want nothing more than to tuck into those tacos," I reply.
I turn her around and pull her close to me, kissing her neck while she sighs contentedly. God, I love this woman. Every year that I spend with her, it just keeps getting better and better. Course, by Gallifreyan standards, I married my wife when I was a toddler which kinda makes me more of a dirty old man than I already am. But then again, she was human when we married so if I go by that, she wasn't a toddler and I'm not a perverted man who marries child brides. But then again, my wife only became an adult twenty five years ago which means up until then I was a perverted man who married a child bride and…um…best not to think about it, it's making my head hurt. Anyway…my wife who is most definitely an adult by human and Gallifreyan standards leans back further into me and turns her head so her cheek is on my shoulder, giving me the pleasure of staring into her beautiful face. The face of an angel as far as I'm concerned.
"Your brother," she murmurs with her eyes closed. "Think he'd be up for taking the children for awhile?"
"I s'pose so, why?"
She smiles. A gorgeous smile that makes my hearts leap in my chest.
"Mmmm, cause I wanna go someplace where we can be along, just the two of us."
"Ooo, I like that sound of that, my butter knife."
She giggles at that.
"I'm glad, my…black and tan," she says.
"That doesn't mean husband if you're trying to use Cockney rhyming slang."
"Well, I'll use my own rhyming slang then. Big fat sore!"
I frown.
"Do what?" I say.
"Doc-tor, big fat sore, see I rhymed your name."
She squealed when I started tickling her armpits.
"Ahem!"
I freeze and turn my head. Christopher is standing right behind me. Mister Perfect Timing has his hands on his hips giving us both a disgusted look.
"Hey! You're s'posed to be my prisoner, not doing icky, girly things with a girl!" he says to me.
I let out a melodramatic sigh.
"Sorry, my precious, gotta go get a button on the brain."
"No!" Rain says, spinning in my arms, "no, spare him his life, I beg of you. Spare the Doctor's life!"
"I'm not the Doctor, I'm Spongebob. Chas is the Doctor today."
I laugh at the odd look on my wife's face.
"Spongebob?" she says, amused. "Really?"
"Yes, his name is Spongebob and I'm Doctor Doom."
"Oh, Doctor Doom, have mercy on Spongebob, I beg of you!"
Christopher rolls his eyes when both of us break down in a fit of giggles at that. He grabs my hand, presumably to get me away from the icky girl before I get girl cooties or something like that.
"No!" Rain says melodramatically as Christopher pulls me towards the door, "oh please for the love of God, spare Spongebob and his square pants!"
I laugh when my wife breaks down in another fit of giggles at that.
"Farewell, my wife, tell Patrick the starfish I fought the good fight!" I say as Christopher practically tears my arm out of my socket in his haste to get me out the door.
"Farewell, my beloved Spongebob!" she says before Christopher herds me out and slams the door behind us.
"Phew, that was close. I had to get you away from Aunt Rain cause you were acting weird," Christopher said to me once the door was closed.
"You really don't like girls, do ya?" I ask him.
He shrugs.
"Eh, they're alright, I s'pose. I just think boys are better, is all," he replies.
"Well, if it wasn't for your mum I might have died several times so don't dismiss girls so easily," I say to him.
Christopher nods.
"My mum is the best," he says.
"Yes, she is and now…shall we get back to the opening me up and putting a button on the brain."
Christopher nods and giggles. He takes my hand and leads me back around the building. I laugh when I see my brother grab Rose and pretend to snog her passionately while the children giggle. He gives me a shocked look and pushes her away.
"I wasn't fraternizing with the enemy!" he says hurriedly. "I wasn't kissing her; I was giving the robot a genetic transfer so she'd function better."
"Yeah, right," his son says as he pulls me over to the tree. "Get up and work, you lazy git!"
"Yes, Master," he says in the moronic tone of voice as he gets to his feet.
Christopher makes me sit down by Rose and pretends to shave my head.
"My hair!" I wail while Rose giggles.
"No, Son, stop! Not the hair!" Rose joins in.
"Nope, gotta put a button on the brain," Christopher says as he pretends to shave. "Busy, busy, busy."
I look at Rose.
"Hear that? Doctor Doom is busy, busy, busy," I say to her.
I glance around.
"Hey, where'd the Doctor go?" I say to Christopher.
"He's being tortured right now. He'll be back later," he replies.
"He's being tortured right now. He'll be back later," I say to Rose.
Just then we hear the most ungodly scream ever.
"NO, YOU CAN'T TORTURE ME! I'M THE DOCTOR!" my son shouts while he stands behind the tree on the other side of the garden.
I look at Rose.
"Yes, I often say that as I'm being tortured," I say while she laughs. "Unfortunately, it usually doesn't help."
"HOW DARE YOU!" my son bellows. "I SHALL REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE FOR THIS!"
Rose laughs.
"I don't think you've ever said that before," she says to me.
"No, I usually don't go to the police after I've been tortured. I sort out the problem on my own."
Rose watches while her son pretends to cut open my head.
"HEY, DOCTOR," I scream. "MY HEAD'S BEING OPENED UP OVER HERE!"
"NO, I MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!" my son bellows.
I look at Rose.
"I'm gonna start talking exactly like that and see what happens," I say while she laughs.
Just then, my son runs around the tree towards me.
"I'LL SAVE YOU, SPONGEBOB, AND…"
I laugh when Alan intercepts him and sweeps him off his feet.
"I got him, Master!" he yells out.
"CURSES, FOILED AGAIN! BUT I MUST PREVAIL! JUSTICE DEMANDS IT!"
"Where the hell does he get this cheesy dialogue? Soap opera on the telly?" I say to Rose while she snorts out laughter.
We watch while my son pretends to grapple with Alan.
"Yeah, I really do need some popcorn now, mate!" I call to my brother as he pulls my son down on the ground and pretends to punch him in the face.
"There we go, all finished," Christopher announces as he steps back.
"You mean I have a button on my brain," I say with mock horror.
"Yeppers and now to push it!"
"Hey, Doctor, he's gonna push the button!" I yell to my son.
"NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT…"
"Too late!" Christopher says as he presses on my head.
He begins to make whooshing sounds as he waves his hands around.
"See!" he says to everyone. "The void is opening up! I won!"
Alan looks where he's pointing.
"Not much there so far," he says. "Where are all the Daleks?"
Sokanon hops up.
"I'll be one!" she says.
"Me too," Namid adds, getting up.
"What about you?" I ask Rose.
"I'm a robot slave with a button on me bum. I can't be a Dalek."
"Oh yeah, sorry, Robot Slave. I forgot," I say.
We laugh as my two daughters run around shouting EX-TER-MIN-ATE as loud as they can. My son runs over and thrusts his finger at them.
"NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I SENT YOU BACK INTO THE VOID! I SAVED THE WHOLE OF REALITY FROM YOU. I AM…THE DOCTOR…AND YOU ARE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"
Rose and Alan bend over laughing as Chaska gets to the A in Daleks and draws it out in a long scream that makes me cringe.
"I do not talk like that!" I yell at him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-LEKS!" he finishes up.
"Okay, hold it!" I say, getting up from the ground and going over to my son who is giggling. "I've sat here and listen to your daft interpretation of me but I have to protest because I would never say anything like that to the Daleks, ever!"
"But I was just telling the Daleks who I am," Chaska says.
"They know who I am. I'm the one that sent them into the void," I say as I tickle him. "I don't think they need to be reminded and if they do, I wouldn't draw out the word Dalek for two minutes straight!"
He laughs harder and Namid, Sokanon and Christopher run over as I continue to tickle him. Alan runs over and joins in while Rose shakes her head and laughs while she watches us. While we're doing that, my wife comes around the corner.
"Okay, I don't know what's going on out here but supper's ready and I think you better stop screaming at the top of your lungs and come eat before our neighbors call the cops and have you arrested for disturbing the peace."
"Tacos are done!" I yell joyfully as I stop tickling my son.
They laugh when Alan gets up at the same time and we play fight, pretending to shove one another out of the way in our haste to get inside. Rain watches us go for a moment before turning to the others.
"Better go in there and get some before they gobble them up," I hear her say.
Me and Alan burst through the door, laughing as we slow down. We look at each other and notice we're a bit dirty.
"Better go clean up a bit," I say to my brother.
"After you, dear brother."
"No," I say, "after you."
"P'eh, and leave you alone with the tacos? I think not," Alan says.
"I won't touch the tacos! You, on the other hand will have them devoured in two seconds flat!"
"Well, since I'm you that must mean you're talking about yourself," Alan counters.
Rain and the others walk past us.
"Come on, children, and by children I mean the two big, thin kids with the ruffled hair. Come and eat," she calls to us.
"After you, old man," Alan says to him.
"No, after you," I reply as Namid stops beside us and listens.
"Age before beauty," Alan says.
"Clone before original," I reply.
"Crinkly before smooth."
"Who you callin' crinkly?" I say with mock anger.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Crumblie, thousand apologies," Alan says.
Namid giggles as I let out a growl and bop him in the nose.
"Oi, watch it, I had work done!" Alan says, clasping his hands over his nose. "It cost a fortune to get this beak!"
"You're gonna think beak when I peck your eyes out, Cloney Boy!"
"Bring it on, Geriatric Wonder!" Alan says while Namid giggles.
I sigh and pat my daughter's head.
"Don't mind us, love. We're a couple of old loony birds," I say as I put my arm around her shoulders and we all walk to the kitchen.
"Yeah, but at least I'm not a crumblie loony bird!"
Everyone laughs as I let out a loud roar and begin to chase him around the room. We run for about twenty seconds before I job back over to my daughter. Alan falls in behind us while the three of us enter the kitchen and go get us some tacos.
THE END.