Authors Notes: AND HERE is Chapter 3!! it's an extra long chapter… hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I am not clamp, I do not own Sakura or any other characters, except RITSU don't even know if the plot is mine… bet I ain't the first to use it… --ll
Realisations
Chapter 3: Facing Reality
You know how in pretty much every girl's magazine, there will always be an article or something about a girl who's just been dumped. You read about her rantings about her ex boyfriend and all this stuff about how he shouldn't have pulled her along if he didn't feel anything, how he shouldn't have acted like he liked her only to break her heart, or how much she hates him for making her still so obsessed about him now, that as much as she wants to hate him, it's hard, because in the end he's still her good for nothing love of her life and its hard to forget.
Well. Right now, I feel like that asshole boyfriend.
I'm such a goddamn hypocrite sometimes. Before, I would read all this and say to myself that I'll never do that, I'll never let anything like that happen to me. Yet look at me now.
I used to read those magazines and pity those girls writing them. I felt sorry for them for falling in love, and giving their hearts so easily. I used to think those ex boyfriends were such fcking jerks for hurting vulnerable girls like that. But now, in some twisted reality, it's me who's doing the hurting, and the worst part is, even though I know how much it will hurt him, I'm still going to do it.
oOoOoOoOo
There was a faint sound of a pencil scribbling away frantically on paper. A girl with auburn hair, tied up into a loose bun furrowed her eyebrows together as she finally paused to re-read what she had just spent the last 15 minutes writing. She silently mouthed it, feeling the words in her mouth as she imagined her saying them out loud. With a frustrated sigh, she re-read it one last time before furiously scrunching up the paper and throwing it to the ground beside her with all the other scrunched up balls of paper starting to pile up in her room.
She fell back on her chair, sighing. "Who knew it would be so hard to write a break up note?" She thought irritably to her self. She'd tried to make the break up as painless as possible, but it seemed, no matter how she wrote it, it still seemed to hurt a hell of a lot.
Suddenly, as if on cue, her cellphone started vibrating, somewhere amongst the scrunched up piles of paper balls. When she found it, she glanced at the screen to find 3 new messages…they were all from Ritsu.
"Oh my god…" she thought sighing to herself, she opened the first one.
"Morning my sweet cherry blossom… You didn't reply to me last night… T.T did you fall asleep again? That's the third time this week… you shouldn't stress yourself out doing too much work. Anyways, you awake now? "
This was sent to me at 8:15am, she glanced at her pink alarm clock sitting next to her bed, 12:58pm. Shit.
Reluctantly, she opened the second text message.
"Waaahhh… did Saku-chan die? Or are you still sleeping… Awww… wake up soon, I'm lonely without my cherry blossom. You're not sick are you? T.T"
A slight shiver ran down her back, as she started to get goosebumps. That just wasn't right. He was being too sweet; the kind of sweetness that felt like it was suffocating you. "I don't even want to read what the next text message is going to say…" she thought to herself.
But, she still had to read it…
"….waaahh… saku-chan died for a long time… if you've forgotten about me then……T.T…..that's okay….T.T"
She felt like puking, "I know…he's trying to be caring… but this is too much. It's as if I'm the only person he talks to…" she thought grimacing to herself. She stared at the text, debating whether or not to reply, and what she would say. But at that moment, she honestly just didn't feel like handling his sweetness. "I'll reply later…" she thought to herself, but she knew that later usually meant never.
She sighed a deep sigh before throwing her cellphone back into the pile of scrunched up paper balls, letting it drown amongst them, wishing that she could drown in them too. Then without a word, she fell onto her bed, sighing deeply.
She closed her eyes and thought about her current situation. "Why is life so cruel?" she thought growling to herself. "I don't want to avoid him, but I do…" "…ughh…this makes no sense…" She said aloud.
"Why did things have to change…?" She said sadly, while opening her large emerald eyes, staring at the ceiling above her. She had a glazed look in her eyes, as she thought about all her sweet memories of when she was in love with him. Her heart did a choke, as she remembered how she used to feel. How her heart would pound, and swoon whenever she saw him. She really didn't want to hurt him, but she also couldn't keep lying to herself.
"It's not fair…" She said, blinking the tears away, "…life really is not fair…."
oOoOoOoOo
I used to think that it was better to have a boyfriend that loved you more than you loved him. That way he would never cheat on you. But now, that I think about it, I completely change my mind. I would do anything, anything at all to get those butterflies back in my stomach.
I would do anything for me to be more in love with him, than him with me. I would rather be the one heartbroken than to have him with his heart broken.
But, life is cruel that way. I don't blame anyone but myself for the feelings disappearing. All I feel is regret. But I still can't help but wonder to myself sometimes as I'm lying on my bed at night. What the hell happened? All my feelings, emotions, my love, once so vibrant and strong, how did they suddenly fade away into thin air just like that? Or maybe, they had already started fading away a long time ago, I was just reluctant to realise it until it had nearly all faded.
For the following weeks, I reduced the numbers of texts that I would send to Ritsu dramatically. I hadn't done it on purpose, it just happened. I didn't want him to find out my true feelings, but as the days went by, I became more and more obvious.
Going on msn, I would usually appear offline, just so he wouldn't know I was online. Harsh, but I really didn't know how to face him. I tried to talk to him like normal. Trust me, I really tried. But all that did was lead me to realise just how much I had fallen out of love with him.
I guess in the end, all these subtle ways of avoiding him, were just new ways for me to run away from all my problems. I had always been doing that; when things got tough I was always first to run away. When mum had cancer, I simply ignored it, pretending it wasn't there. When she left us, I didn't accept it until 2 months later. For those 2 months, I just pretended that she had gone on a very long modeling trip and would come back soon. Of course, that never worked.
I loved to run away from reality, because sometimes, reality really sucks, and you just can't help but create a small, imaginary fantasy land for yourself in your mind where everything is okay. Of course I knew that running away will take me no where, but that doesn't stop me because it's easier that way.
Fighting with your heart and brain is one of the most difficult fights you can have with yourself. My heart is telling me, just give up, you don't love him anymore. While my brain says, there's still hope, don't give up on him, you'll only break his heart. Usually, my brain wins. It has more control over my body anyways.
I tried to negotiate between the two, but because I was so afraid of seeing the hurt look on his face, I kept listening to my brain and ended up delaying it for longer and longer… Until it got to the point where other people started to suspect something was up. Even Yamazaki, who was quite clueless when it came to love, even his own, started to suspect something was wrong. I looked at my group of friends, who were all suddenly looking at me curiously, wondering if what Yamazaki had just pointed out was real or not. I put on my best smile and simply said,
"Nothings wrong….hahahaha….Seriously, you guys think too much…." I laughed trying to sound reassuring. Tomoyo had her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow at me.
"…So…. Nice weather we've been having lately eh? Hahaha…" I did not just use the weather line. OH CRAP… Tomoyo is so going to see through this.
"Ahh, yes, it is quite sunny. Did you know the ancient Aztec used to worship the sun as a God…" And with one line, Yamazaki was on a roll. I sighed in relief; at least now people were distracted.
I glanced around and noticed Tomoyo eyeing me suspiciously, then suddenly said.
"Oh, Sakura, didn't we have to go to that meeting today?" she said loudly, while tugging at my arm urgently.
I looked at her, deeply confused. "What mee- OW!" I yelped as Tomoyo suddenly elbowed me on my side hard while giving me that look.
"..Oh… yes!" I said laughing fakely, "THAT meeting…yeah… hahaha… we're late…so bye!" I managed to say quickly before Tomoyo practically dragged me away.
When we were a safe distance away from the group, she loosened her iron hard grip. Who knew she was that strong.
She looked me straight in the eye. "Sakura, what's up…?" She asked with a serious tone.
I avoided her eyes. "Oh nothing much, although I think Touya might finally ge-"
"No… not that. What's up with you and Ritsu?" She said cutting me off. Her eyes filled with concern. I stared deep into her amethyst eyes, searching for the right words to explain the emotional rollercoaster I was going through.
"It's…complicated…" was all I could think of.
"I've got time." She said simply.
I let out a heavy sigh. "Well…." I started. I turned away from Tomoyo and started to walk slowly off towards the cherry blossom trees.
"…the thing is, I've been having this fight with myself lately…" I said, hoping I made sense. "I mean, Ritsu is really sweet, and he is really nice and all…. But… but…." I trailed off, struggling to find the right words.
"---but you just don't like him in that way anymore." Tomoyo finished for me.
"Yeah! That's right… I know its mean… I didn't want it to happen… but…" I said, trailing off again.
Tomoyo looked at me comfortingly, a sweet smile forming on her face. "Don't be sad Sakura; just tell me everything, from the beginning." So I did. I just opened my mouth and let loose my emotions that I had been trying so hard to suppress. They all just started spilling out of my mouth, eager to finally be heard by the ears of someone other than myself.
"…aww, but that one's really sweet…" Tomoyo gushed, while reading one of Ritsu's many long text messages.
"It is NOT!" I protested, "It kinda creeps me out…" I said, shivering slightly. "Imagine if a guy said that to you." I said, trying to make her understand.
"Well…" She paused and thought about it. Then she scrunched up her face. "Okay… well if you put it that way maybe that would be a bit extreme…" She said. "…Even for an extreme romantic like myself." She said laughing, finally agreeing with me. I laughed along with her, but then I remembered my current situation.
"So Tomoyo, what should I do…?" I asked in a near desperate voice.
"Saku-chan…..you have to tell him as soon as possible, otherwise, if you leave it any longer, it will only make it even harder to tell him…" Tomoyo said with a concerned voice, looking me straight in the eyes.
"…I know…but… how? And when?" I asked.
"That my dear Sakura is what I'm here for…" Tomoyo said with an evil glint in her eyes.
"What are you planning…." I asked with a questioning look.
She simply grinned and said. "After school. My house."
oOoOoOoOo
"…okay let's try this again…we should start off with 'I have something I need to talk to you about…." Tomoyo said while walking around her huge bedroom holding onto a small beige coloured notebook.
The whole room was a mixture of lilacs and baby pink. It was as huge as my lounge at home, maybe bigger. Her large ensuit bathroom, had a spa AND a sauna. She had her own sewing room, where all the clothes she designed and made were. To top it off, she had her own big screen TV, stuck on the wall right in front of her lavender coloured bed, with a DVD and VCR player below it. I sat lazily on her comfy bed, breathing in the faint smell of lavenders.
"Wait…." I said suddenly. "But if I start off with that line, wouldn't that make it obvious that it would be bad news, which would make it obvious that I want to break up with him?" I asked frantically.
Tomoyo sighed. "Sakura, you think waaay too much."
"But…" I started.
"It's for the best..." She said cutting me off. "Okay… let's run through this…" Tomoyo said brightly, "Okay, I'm you and you're Ritsu…"
"Okay…" I cleared my throat. "Oh… Sakura, I love you…" I said in a ridiculous mimic of Ritsu.
Tomoyo giggled, "I see you're getting into character…"
"Okay…" She clears her throat as well. "Um… Ritsu, I have something I need to talk to you about…" Tomoyo started in a soft voice. I don't really sound like that right?! I shook off that thought as it was my turn to act.
"Yes Saku-chan, what is it?" I replied in a soppy low voice.
Tomoyo clasped both her hands together, and held them at her knee as she looked down and said quietly. "The thing is, for a while now; I've been thinking….about some stuff…" She looked up, staring at me with sad eyes.
"I…I don't think things have been working out between us lately…." I pretended to gasp dramatically and look hurt.
"The thing is…" She continued, her face looked so serious, I almost felt sad as well even though it was only act, and then out of the blue she said. "I'm lesbian."
I looked at her, shocked. Then at the same time we both started cracking up. I was laughing so hard, I almost had tears streaming down my face. She was laughing just as hard.
"TOMOYO!! …hahahaha… those weren't the lines…" I managed to say between my laughing.
"I'm sorry…hahahah… I couldn't help it…" She said desperately trying to suppress her giggles.
"That was so random!" "I'm not really going to say that am I?" I asked, still giggling.
"Only if you want to…" She said in a teasing tone.
With that a whole new rounds of giggles came up. I was laughing so hard, I was practically snorting as I imagined his reaction if I did tell him that.
We both then fell back onto her bed, still giggling like idiots.
"Okay… as much as I would like to say it…" I said in a sarcastic voice. "I don't think I can." I said in short breaths from all my laughing, my sides beginning to hurt.
"Firstly, it's not very believable." I said giggling slightly. "And secondly, it could really hurt him, especially his male pride." With that we both started bursting out laughing again.
After a while of laughing, we both finally managed to calm down and stared motionless at the lilac coloured ceilings above. I let out a heavy sigh as a sad look crossed my face. I could feel the tears coming.
"Tomoyo-chan…I can't help but feel so guilty right now. I mean, how can be so happy now when I'm potentially going to scar someone for life." I cried sitting up and burying my head in my hands. I can't believe I was joking around about something so serious.
Tomoyo sat up with me. "Sakura… you know I hate to see you cry…." She said solemnly while putting a hand gently on my back.
"Look, I know it's hard, but it'll only hurt him more if you don't tell him." She said. She was right. I had to tell him soon.
"Yeah, I know. Don't worry. I'll tell him." I said turning to face her, I pushed away all my feelings guilt. "I'll tell him tomorrow."
oOoOoOoOo
That night, going to sleep was harder than I thought. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see Ritsu, and remember all the good and bad times during the relationship we had. The guilt was so strong it was gnawing away at my heart slowly, but painfully. I finally managed to drift to sleep in the early hours of the morning with a pair of earphones blaring away loudly in my head, pushing all thoughts of Ritsu away and distracting me from reality.
I looked around me to see the familiar buildings of my school towering around me. It was the middle of the day and the sun was shining brightly. The school itself was empty. No one was here, no one was ever here. I felt myself walk the familiar route towards the back field where a lone figure stood. He had his head held down, his dark hair tumbling over his face, a depressing aura around him. I already knew who he was, Ritsu.
I opened my mouth to start speaking, but it only came out as a muffled cry as dark clouds suddenly engulfed the sun and rain suddenly started pounding down furiously into the ground. The rain was falling at such a force that it felt like a million needles stabbing at me. I looked up, realising I could barely see Ritsu in the downpour. All I could see was a faint outline of his shadow in the rain.
Then, I heard his voice, so faint it was barely audible. But somehow it was still loud enough to penetrate above the sound of rain pounding on the pavement. I looked back at Ritsu, to find I couldn't see his figure anymore; he seemed to have vanished in the rain. I tried to pick up where his voice was coming from, but it was all around me. His voice was so sad; I could almost feel the heart break in his voice.
"Saa-kuuu-raaa… my sweet, sweet cherry blossom. Why don't you love me anymore? Is it because of another guy? Or am I not good enough for you… why'd you leave me… you were my first love. I opened my heart to you; you were the only one I could trust. I gave you everything I had to offer… I loved you so much yet you felt nothing back. You're selfish, how could you hurt me like this…" Those lines, I had heard already so many times, I could practically mouth them.
"I thought you loved me. You were the first person I had truly opened up to…. I gave you my whole heart. That was how much I loved you. I don't even know what I did wrong… Don't worry about saying sorry, because you'll never have to see me again…"
I woke up with a start. My heart was racing. I was breathing heavily and sweating cold sweat.
I looked at my pink alarm clock, 6:08am. I could still feel the numbness of the raining pounding against me, his words ringing through my head as I remembered the vivid dream.
It was very much the same as the others, yet it was also so different.
I got out of my bed slowly and made a move towards my bathroom, my movements slow and sluggish. I squeezed my eyes shut as I reluctantly turned on my lights and felt the bright light glaring at my eyes. I let my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness and stared deep into the mirror.
My face was as pale as snow. My breathing was shallow. I recalled the dream, and remembered his last words. You'll never have to see me again… It was different to all the past dreams I'd had. It didn't make sense; I didn't want to make any sense of it.
I peeled off my pajamas and got into the shower. I had a cold shower, relishing the numbness of the ice cold water hitting my pale skin, taking away all feeling, then turning it back to warm, washing away any remnants of the dream.
Feeling the warm water hit my ice cold skin was comforting, I could feel myself again. But that also brought back the realization that today was the day. Today was the D-day, the day I've been dreaming about for so many weeks, the day I've been having nightmares about. Hopefully, it wouldn't turn out like my nightmares… I mean, they're just dreams. Right?
I ate breakfast quickly and rushed out the door before Touya could even start calling me Kaijuu. I gave dad a kiss goodbye and walked off. I walked swiftly, feeling the cold morning air cut at my exposed skin. I tightened the scarf around me and was glad I decided to leave my long auburn hair down today. Even though the wind would probably mess it up and annoy me to hell, I was glad it could at least keep my ears warm.
I reached the school within 15 minutes. As I walked inside the school corridor, feeling the rush of warm air conditioned air hit my ice cold cheeks, I was immensely surprised to find hardly anyone at school yet. This was new to me since I was hardly ever on time to school, let alone arrive early.
Sadly, school passed by painfully fast. Before I knew it, it was already home time. Usually I would have been joyful, but this wasn't a normal day. I had hardly even managed to pay attention in any of my classes. I tried to distract my thoughts by school work, but my brain just wasn't functioning.
As I left my last class of the day, I quickly ran up to Ritsu who was passing by and asked him to meet me behind the science building after school. He happily agreed. My heart did a pang, and I immediately felt the guilt rushing back to me as I saw his clueless smiling face, that probably wouldn't be smiling in an hour.
I found Tomoyo waiting for me at my shoe locker, with that knowing look in her eyes.
"So…are you ready for this?" She asked standing in front of me looking me straight in the eye, her amethyst eyes filled with concern.
"Honestly…? No and never will be." I said, but quickly added "But for the sake of mine and his happiness, I'm willing to make an exception" before Tomoyo could protest.
Relief filled her face as she said sincerely, "don't worry Saku-chan, I'll always be here for you…okay?"
I smiled back, "Thank you Tomoyo-chan…I'm just really not looking forward to seeing the hurt look in his eyes you know?" I said painfully.
"I know" She sighed, pulling me into a hug.
"We don't blame you Saku-chan… What needs to be done, will be done." She said reassuringly.
I hugged her back, thankful she was my best friend and glad she was here for me now. I pulled back and looked straight into her eyes. "I'll go find him now."
Before I could walk away, she stopped me. "Wait, Sakura."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Just remember, whatever you say to him. Say it from your heart…"
I continued walking towards the science buildings, "I will…"
oOoOoOoOo
I walked slowly, feeling the ice cold air brushing against my skin. The sky was a dark grey that looked almost as grim as I was feeling. I was immediately dreading what I was going to do.
When I saw his smiling face, I felt a sudden stab of pain in my heart. I smiled lightly back at him, at least I tried.
"Hey Saku-chan, so what'd you call me out here for anyway?" He asked, smiling unknowingly.
I looked at his smiling face, so clueless about my true intentions.
"The thing is…" I started, avoiding eye contact with him, "I have something I need to talk to you about…" I said, looking down, as if I was talking to my feet instead.
"Yes?" He asked, looking extremely confused but still as clueless as ever.
"The thing is…" I started, with a small quiet voice.
"…I don't think I can keep lying to myself anymore…"
The smile on his face was gone, as he slowly began to realise what was going to happen.
"I've changed…. We've both changed…"
His face went dark, his face blank of expression and emotion. The only thing that defied him was his eyes. His cold grey eyes, leading straight to his heart, showing the pain he was feeling.
I continued in an even quieter voice. "…I don't things will work out between us…." My breath hitched as I stared deep at the ground, waiting for an outburst of some kind. But there was none. Just silence.
As a moment went by that felt like an eternity, I dared to look up at his face, but immediately regretted it as I saw the pain in his silver eyes, tears threatening to spill. Everything went blurry as tears filled my eyes. "…I-I'm …. Sorry…." I managed to choke out before turning around and walking away.
Suddenly, as if to fit the mood, the dark clouds grew heavy and started pelting down big fat droplets of rain onto us, drenching us, as if crying for us.
The rain just came and fell, but I kept walking briskly, not caring that my clothes were sticking to me, or that I was probably going to get a bad cold from this. I just kept walking.
I wasn't even sure where I was heading.
I didn't care, anything, to get away from this moment.
Automatically, my legs led me to my favourite area, the cherry blossom trees. Even drenched in rain, the Cherry Blossom trees looked beautiful.
As soon as I reached the trunk of the old tree, I collapsed as if from exhaustion, then all my unshed tears that I had been holding back, came pouring out, mingling with the rain water that dripped down from my hair.
My heart seemed to burst out in pain, as I remembered his sad expression. I just cried, letting all my pain and guilt flow out. Everything became a blur, as I ignored the time and the rain. I just sat there underneath the tree, crying my heart out.
I don't know when I had stopped crying, it felt like I had been crying forever. My eyes and throat hurt a hell of a lot. My nose was dripping with snot and rain water. I had a headache the size of Antarctica. And my clothes were starting to feel really uncomfortable. I didn't have a mirror but I was sure I looked like hell.
But even with all this, I didn't really mind. The rain washed away not only my tears, but my pain and guilt, leaving me strangely relieved, as if I could finally breathe properly again.
When I finally decided to go home, it was already 6pm and my brother was on the verge of calling the cops on me.
Touya took one look at my tear stained face and immediately freaked out. He thought I had been hurt or something. I explained to him simply that I had broken someone's heart and I was just punishing myself for it. That only made him even more agitated.
I was relieved, when I finally managed to reach my bedroom and immediately fell onto my bed in exhaustion. I grabbed my wireless phone and called Tomoyo, to tell her everything. It was over now. I could finally breathe again.
Strangely enough, I never did have to go through the whole awkward post break up situation. Because the very next day, I found out he had moved to the other side of the country because his dad had some urgent business call. Like my dream had predicted, I never saw him again.
xXxXx
A/N: And that is the end of an extremely long chapter. Haha. That's why it took so long to update, because I was too busy writing this long chappie. 4800 words! Woo!
Hmmm im worried it may be slightly emo-ish. Tell me! Haha
Also I want some good, honest critiques about what you liked and didn't… constructive critism please
Anyways, after this, we'll probably be moving like 3 years in time to the future. Heh… and hopefully, that's where…SYAORAN finally comes in XD yay.
I also wanna thank you reviewers thank you sooo much for reviewing. I really appreciate it.
The continuation of this will be in Falling in and out of Love, where the REAL story begins.