Hello, everybody! It's Souffle, back from my supposed death last month (the rumours were greatly exaggerated). It remains true that I will be less active throughout this final year of school but at the moment I'm on top of it all, and still in a Dark Souls-mood so I thought why-the-hell-not and finished the trilogy! This is the end of the main story (although I might consider doing a DLC special if people really want that shizz), but I will continue to contribute a variety of sketches to the tale in the same fashion as the first Dark Lols. Well, that's all for now. Keep chuggin' that Estus!

Dark Lols 3: This Time it's (slightly more) personal!

The giant metal door groaned inwardly, and rushed open. A cold breeze shook Solaire right down to his Orange Soapstone, but he forced himself to stand up straight. As he entered the main hall of Aldia's Keep, he noticed an enormous dragon skeleton lying flat out across the floor and stairs. As he looked at it, he noticed it seemed to move slightly. Immediately, he shrieked like a little girl, and started to run back in the other direction.

It was only when he reached the gardens that he stopped, and balled his fists in anger.

"I am a Warrior of the Sun!" he proclaimed. "I am not afraid of some dead dragon! I hast defeated thy Gaping Dragon - this fiend is no different!"

Angered by his weakness, Solaire strode briskly back inside, his arms outstretched in an obnoxious manner.

"Well?!" he cried, shouting at the dead dragon's lifeless body. "What is it, fucker?"

The skeletal dragon did not budge - not even slightly. Satisfied, Solaire moved forwards towards the staircase.

And then the dragon raised its head. "Sup," it boomed.

"Oh, spears," Solaire grunted.

The dragon lurched forward, its head breaking off as its jaws chomped hungrily towards Solaire.

"NOMNOMNOM"

Moments later, the sun had set for the Knight of Astora.

Solaire paused, his eyes now completely focused on the array of orange messages spread out across the floor in front of him. Stooping, he read the first one to himself.

Don't pull the lever, it advised him.

Solaire scratched his head in bewilderment, until he saw the relevant mechanism upon the wall at the end of the corridor. He was immediately suspicious of the message.

"Some prick doesn't want me to get the best armour in the game," he realised. "Fuck him. I'm getting that loot!"

Completely ignoring the other warnings, he darted to the end of the hallway, and threw his hands on the lever, drawing it down.

Nothing happened.

"Hmph," grunted Solaire. "Dark Trolls."

As he was about to start walking back, he saw a man standing opposite him at the end of the corridor. His head was bowed, robed in a Chaos Hood, but a deep, maniacal laughter was bursting forth from his lips.

Solaire cocked his head. "What's so funny?"

The man waited for his laughter to subside sufficiently, then jested "Do you know what you've done?"

The Warrior of Sunlight was confused. "Not really."

"You have no fucking clue, you poor bastard motherfucker..."

"Care to explain?"

The man hooted with unrestrained laughter. "You set me free! Me! Navlaan, the creator of all hexes!"

Solaire froze, his blood glaciating. His mistake was now terrifyingly clear. "Please, have mercy!" he pleaded, tears spewing from his eyes. "I have my very own son back home that I need to feed."

Navlaan roared with amusement, taking out a Caitha Chime in one hand and a Sunset Staff in the other.

"You want food?" he whispered. "Have some of my... Scraps of Life!"

The life-sapping hex ripped up the ground around Solaire, and he dropped to his knees, writhing in pain.

"What's the matter?" Navlaan soothed. "Are you... Dead Again?"

A trio of dead bodies nearby exploded in a Michael Bay fireball, showering the Astoran knight in cremated body parts and soot.

"Have mercy," he whispered.

"I hope you brought your coat," his hexer nemesis continued. "There's a forecasted... Darkstorm!"

Just as Navlaan was about to release his shadowy typhoon, he suddenly went rigidly still, and fell on his knees. Red blood gushed from his chest. Behind him, Solaire's rescuer withdrew his Iaito, and cleaned his brow of sweat.

"Death to filthy hexers," EarthScraper declared, smiling as Navlaan choked his last breath on the floor. "They are so OP. From Software needs to get a fucking grip. Red phantom cunts... shitty repetitive bosses... FUCKING KNIGHT SOULS!"

Solaire paused as he watched his saviour ranting. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Oh yeah," the Darkwraith assured him. "I do this all the time. Here's my card."

He handed Solaire a small white paper with the words 'EARTHSCRAPER, PROFESSIONAL NITPICKER, HALF PRICE ON SUNDAYS.'

"I made a whole story about it," he furthered. "It's on Fanfiction. Check it out."

Then he strode off into the distance, his armour blowing epically in the breeze.

"What a swell guy," Solaire whispered, awestruck.

Face-to-face with another boss fog door, Solaire felt eerily contented. He was used to the buttrape by now, and tended to somewhat enjoy it.

"Fingers crossed for something small, easy and entertaining!" he cried, pushing through the mist.

Upon entering the room, he saw an enormous creature unfurling itself, spreading its wings and tail to full length, and screeching as the sun shone off of its red scales.

"Jimminy jeepers," Solaire reacted. "It's a wyvern!"

The wyvern's roar came to an immediate stop, and he looked at Solaire, his reptilian face twisted with wrath.

"Are you serious, Sunbro?" he growled. "I'm a fucking dragon! Can't you read my health bar?"

Solaire peered at the onscreen declaration of 'Guardian Dragon.' Certainly, everything seemed above board, but there was something not quite right...

"You have two legs," Solaire pointed. "Therefore, a wyvern."

The wyvern snarled. "You fucking mythos nerds are so annoying! Who gives a shit! It's a video game!"

Solaire folded his arms, resisting the bosses' attempts to silence his criticism. "Hey, we're talking about developers who use obscure creatures like Gemini, Golems and Basilisks... Are you seriously saying they didn't know the difference between a dragon and a wyvern...?"

"Just fight me," the wyvern groaned. "You fucking faggot."

The Dragon Aerie was, quite possibly, the most incandescent visage that Solaire of Astora had ever set his sun-soaked peepers on. Wyverns - DRAGONS! - gliding gracefully through cloud-penetrating apexes of mountainous turf... It was... magnificent.

"I think... I think I'm home," Solaire whispered.

Immediately, he set his summon sign down near a rock, and lay back, feeling the warm air seep onto his fatigued armour.

"What could possibly be wrong here..." he wondered. "There's no invaders, no suicidal titanite lizards... And definitely no motherfucking Ruin Sentinels... Ahhh."

Then, he heard the footsteps. A flail of energetic pounding feet. His paradise was interrupted! Who would dare?

Opening his eyes, he laid them to rest on the most horrendous sight of his entire life. One of the Sinners Rise explosion groupies was sprinting towards him, autograph book in arms, and screaming and yelling. He had a tattoo of Solaire bulging his bicep all over his naked torso, and wore several Sunlight Medal necklaces around his shoulders.

"Solaire!" he wailed. "I'm your all-time biggest fan! I finally found you!"

The Warrior of Sunlight was on his feet and running already, but when he reached the nearest rope bridge, he found himself between a 'rock-hard' and a hard place, as a wyvern rose up from beneath the structure and tore it to ribbons.

"Dude!" Solaire yelped. "Not cool!"

"You broke my eggs you son of a Smelter Demon!" the lizard retorted. "And then you put them in an omelette! Is that how you get your sick kicks?"

Solaire started to shake as the approaching sound of the running groupie grew in pitch fervently. "Please, man. Or lady. You've gotta helpeth me!"

"You ate my babies!" the wyvern screeched. "Go fuck yourself!"

And then, it took off, leaving Solaire behind on the edge. He took a look back at the oncoming threat, and then down at the endless gorge, and, without even hesitating, threw himself into the abyss.

"Hey... Hey?!"

The enormous, emaciated dragon bowed its head slightly to investigate the source of the faint, irritating sounds.

"What?" it croaked, booming loudly despite its innumerable age.

Solaire balled his fists. "I was told I needed to talk to you!"

The dragon frowned. "You're going to have to speak up, lad. I'm ancient!"

Solaire cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted. "I'm supposed to get an item from you or something?!"

This time, the dragon seemed to hear him. "Oh, right. One second, whippersnapper."

He began to fiddle around with his person, as though looking for an item, when suddenly, he lurched backwards, as though stunned by something.

Solaire was puzzled. "What is it?"

The dragon didn't reply, but about five seconds later, he wrinkled his nose violently, before wrenching open his mouth and sending a veritable geyser of snot towards Solaire. The torrent swept right through him, and he dissolved into ashes on impact.

"Aaaaaaachoooo!" the dragon sniffed, rubbing at its snout with an enormous mattress of a tissue.

He looked around, but couldn't see the young chap he had just been talking to.

He sighed. "Damnation! I am so OP..."

Some time later, Solaire stood before the corpse of a dead giant - a relic entwined within the branches of a small archtree.

"So," he muttered, holding out his GameFaq in front of his face. "Insert the Ashen Mist Heart here, and I can go into an optional area. Nice!"

A cough from beside him drew his attention from the giant.

"Oh," he said. "Hey, Benhart."

The faintly-Scottish warrior raised his head, pretending as though he hadn't seen him. "Solaire! Have you taken a gander at ma sword, lately?"

Solaire could give fewer fucks, but decided not to shun jolly conversation. "Uh... yeah, it's pretty nice."

"Pretty nice? It's a work of art. Been in ma family for generations! It's sexy as hell, pal."

"Uhh, yeah..."

"Sliced from the tail of the Paledrake, I'll have ya know. Bet you wish you had a sword like mine, eh?"

"I guess..."

"Ya guess? Ya fucking know it, mate. Just LOOK at it!"

Solaire finally lost his temper. "You know it's a fake, right?"

Benhart didn't blink. "What?"

"Your sword. It's a replica."

"You what, matey? It's a bona fida Moonlight Greatsword."

"It's a bona fake-a Bluemoon Greatsword. Don't believe me, try using R2."

Benhart folded his arms defensively. "I don't wanna use up the durability," he stammered.

"I've got repair powder. Do it."

Benhart looked nervous, but did the attack anyways, producing nothing but an overhead slice, without even the faintest glimmer of moonlight.

Solaire smiled smugly. "Told ya."

Benhart frowned. "...have ya seen my shield?"

Solaire smiled as the last of the abyssal phantoms plummeted into the endless chasm, and was consumed by the perpetual darkness.

"Good riddance, ya filthy Havelmonster," Solaire laughed, before throwing himself into the abyss, clearing the third and final Dark Chasm dungeon.

"Ah..." he whispered, soothed by his successes. "Now to get the Yellow Swag Crown and get the hell out of here!"

The loading screen ended, but Solaire was not at the Chasm entrance. Instead, he was in a large, circular cavern. A foreboding chill ran down his spine.

"Dafuq is this?" he pondered.

He walked out into the clearing, and a shadow, previously cast upon the cave wall, moved out to greet him, unfolding its pseudo-angelic wings and glaring ominously at Solaire.

The knight of Astora was stunned by the creature's ethereal, bewitching beauty. "What... are you?"

The being responded in a bass-dropping boom. "99 Int. 99 Faith. 0 Mercy."

Solaire lowered his head in despair. "Oh, lord."

"I am the Darklurker," it continued, raising its hands high in a sinister fashion. "I lurk in the dark. Prepare your anus... cause that's where I'm lurkin' tonight!"

Solaire rolled as a barrage of Soul Spears flew past his head.

"How abot sum Forbidden Fun?" the Darklurker cackled, firing off a trio of the infamous pyromancies.

Solaire ran to the back of the room, and cowered behind his shield.

"Bare hands, no catalysts," the Lurker boasted. "Don't even need em'."

Solaire stepped to the side as a Flame Swathe/ Dark Orb typhoon swept through the ground where he had been standing previously. Panicking, he reached for his chime.

"Fukn miracles," Darklurker chuckled. "Y don't u go to Lindelt, fagt?"

Solaire closed his eyes to shutters, and launched a Sunlight Spear.

Darklurker froze to the spot as the projectile thudded through it. Then, it growled. "Half health. Not bad, scrub."

Solaire put his hands on his hips, and laughed heartily. "Now I know how to beat you!"

The Darklurker burst into laughter. "Guess again, sunlight faggot."

Then, before Solaire's eyes, the Lurker folded in its wings, and performed mitosis, creating a horrific mirror image of itself.

"Are you kidding...?" Solaire wailed.

"Prepare for trouble," the first Lurker chortled.

"...And make it double!" his cohort finished.

Solaire's eyes went wide as he read the item description for his newly-acquired Ring of Binding.

"Well, that would have been fucking useful," he remarked. "...Fifteen bosses ago!"

The fog wall ahead of him beckoned like a wispy cloud finger. With a deep breath of anticipation, he pushed through the mists.

A booming, regal soundtrack blasted into his eardrums as he walked down a long, red carpet. A golden figure with a long, red plume stepped out of the shadows at the end of the hall and into the golden light.

"Oh no..." Solaire whispered. "Not again."

The Old Dragonslayer rushed the Sunlight Warrior with his somewhat-familiar spear, but he dodged to the side, and stepped behind a pillar to hide.

"What's the matter, Solaire?" the Dragonslayer purred, sweeping around in a search for his opponent. "We were having such a nice Dark Souls 1 throwback!"

"Where's Smough?" Solaire asked.

Ornstein bunched his shiny fists and pouted. "What, do you think I need that fat shit to pose a threat? I'm a knight of Gwyn! I am worthy!"

Solaire was about to step out from the pillar when Ornstein coughed loudly, and a ball of shadows burst from the mouth of his helmet.

"Ohmigod!" Solaire roared, outraged. "Dark Magic!"

Ornstein started to panic. "It's not what you think..."

"Oh?"

"I'm... I'm sick..."

Solaire grunted. "I'd damn say you are... And to think, I respected you. We all did. FanFiction reviewers flipped shit over bad portrayals of you. You aren't deserving of that plume..."

Ornstein bunched his fist around his spear. "I'll show you respect!"

The Golden Knight rushed Solaire.

The fog wall at the Throne of Want flickered like a barricade of white, fluffy clouds.

"This is it," Solaire thought to himself. "The end. The end of Dark Souls II."

This was the final boss. There could be no doubt about it. The decor of the area was twisted and intimidating, and summon signs glistened all round the doorway.

Cracking his knuckles, the Warrior of Sunlight pushed through the fog.

As soon as he entered the throne room, he was blasted by a rendition of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song. He heard footsteps behind him, and turned to see a flash of colours - a veritable palette of doom.

"Absorbent and yellow!" The Throne Watcher sang merrily, sinking his sword through Solaire.

"Yeah," the Defender chimed in. "And no, this is Patrick."

Solaire was incredulous. "The final boss is a gank squad?!"

"That's right!" the Watcher retorted. "Vendrick instructed us to stop you from reaching the Throne, oh queen of darkness. Are ya feelin' it, Mr. Krabs?"

"W8 wot?" Solaire cried, wriggling on the end of the Watcher's blade.

"We've got you now, Nashandra. Then it's time to pass my boating test."

Solaire scrunched up his face in fury. "Do I look like a Nashandra to you?"

"He's right."

The two Throne bum buddies turned just in time to be sliced in half by a piercing laza beam of souls. Their faces frozen in anguish, they dropped, disembodied, to the ground.

The queen of Drangleic stepped out of the shadows. "Nashandra... that would be me."

"Oh shit, oh shit," Solaire bumbled. "Final boss hype!"

Nashandra swung her Scythe of Want, but Solaire simply rolled under it, sinking his sword through her torso. Screaming in pain, the final boss of Dark Souls 2 crumpled into a heap upon the floor, and YOU DEFEATED flared across the skyline.

Solaire started to laugh. "No, seriously game... Where's the final boss?"

"That WAS the final boss."

The man's voice stopped Solaire in his tracks, actual shivers bouncing along his spine. He knew who he would see when he looked around before he even did it, but when he did, he was indeed correct in his assumption.

"Hidetaka Miyazaki-san," the Warrior of Sunlight mouthed. "Is it really you?"

The god of video gaming nodded his head gently. "Yes, Solaire. It is I. Your creator."

"Where were you the whole fucking game?!" Solaire shouted.

Miyazaki was taken aback. "I-"

"It was horrible! There were no i-frames, tons of shitty repetitive bosses... I... WE... Needed you!"

"I was on a higher level, my child."

"You're gonna need a better excuse than that, bud."

"I was making the true successor to Demon Souls, exclusively for Playstation."

Solaire stopped dead. "Alright, I'm sold."

- DARK SPIRIT YUI TANIMURA HAS INVADED! -

Miyazaki looked eastward, a sad glint in his eyes. "I must go now. Something evil this way comes."

"Wait-" Solaire cried, but Miyazaki had already dropped to his knees and Black Crystal'd before he could even finish his sentence.

A new voice swept through the room. "Wt r u, fkn casul?"

Solaire started to shiver. "Giantdad?"

The red invader stepped out into the open. He was geared up in full Havels, and held a Santiers Spear in both hands.

"Not today, bithc," he proclaimed. "I'm Yui Tanimura, the game designer."

Solaire didn't respond for a few seconds, but then he could hold himself no longer, and, releasing a cry of outrage, he charged Yui.

"This is all your fucking fault!" he wailed.

Yui chuckled, and snapped his fingers. An Executioners Chariot fell out of the sky from just above Solaire and crushed him into a puddle of blood.

The B-Team leader put a Cuban Black between his smirking lips, and with an another snap of his fingers, summoned a purple Smelter Demon, who lit the cigar with its furnace.

"It's good to be king," he whispered.

Dark Lols II has been brought to you by the Dark Souls 2 DLC Trilogy.

Buy the season pass today!

U get cool stuf like re-skinned bosses, Artorias' fukn sword and... and... nd u cn talk to Vendrick and that.

Buy today!

All buys made today get an additional weapons pack with the ten-bolt Avelyn and re-textured broken thief sword!

Buy today!

Why haven't you bought today?

Are you... a freakin' scrub?!