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For one of the few times in his life, Harry had no idea what he was doing. Not being in control was an unnatural state for him and he hated it. When he left Ruth, he walked without a destination, trying to clear his head. As in most things lately, he was decidedly unsuccessful in his objective. She stirred up so much in him, he scarcely knew where to begin. He passed couples walking hand in hand, and he mentally cursed them with a vehemence that surprised himself. Even a bus lumbering past had triggered an old memory of her that in this mood he would rather have kept buried. Get a hold of yourself, Pearce. You've still got a job to do. You'll have the rest of your miserable existence to lament her. He needed to get a grip on himself, if not for his own sanity, then for the safety of his team and perhaps even the nation. His self-control, ability to think clearly, was what had kept him and others alive.
He was bitterly angry with himself for a myriad of reasons. He had been an idiot to let his emotions where she was concerned to get so out of hand in the first place. He hated hypocrisy, but he was perhaps the biggest hypocrite of all. For all his posturing about self-denial and self-control, he had let her under his defenses and was fool enough to hope. He had lied to her without meaning to; he had said that they would move on, and then found that not only he couldn't do so, but that he didn't want to. What had he hoped to achieve by running to Ruth today? There was no doubt in his mind that had anyone else been in that situation, he would've acted differently. An offer of a stiff drink and a fatherly chat would have been sufficient. Instead, he tried the bloody knight-on-a-charger routine on the damsel that doesn't want him. When he thought that he might have killed her today entered his mind, nausea threatened to overwhelm him and he had to stop and grip the railings beside him for a moment. He had to put his officers in mortal danger before, nearly every day in fact for some twenty years but he knew that her death would've finished him. There would be no rationalization, no coping mechanism that would save him from that if she were gone. When she had been in exile, the only thought that kept him going some days was that she alive, somewhere. It was the breadcrumb that had sustained his heart for years.
Harry told himself that there were still lots of details on the operation to go over, but it was nearer the truth that he didn't want to go home to an empty house. He made his way to the Grid, trying to lock his emotions away. He shrugged off his coat, loosened his tie, and poured himself a drink before settling down behind his desk. As the night wore on, he steadfastly avoided looking over to her workstation.
Beth had come to the conclusion that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. It didn't bear thinking about how Harry would react if he knew what she knew regarding him and Ruth. She was also relieved that Dimitri, on his own, had decided to give Ruth some space. The last thing she wanted to do was to get more involved in this situation than she already was. Ruth, for her part, concentrated on her work and tried unsuccessfully to not think about how good it felt to be in Harry's arms. The embrace in her kitchen was, unsurprisingly, not brought up by either of them. Harry had reverted to being coolly civil towards Ruth, but more than once Beth caught a split-second softening of his glance towards the analyst.
It was poor Tariq that nearly dropped the match into the emotional tinderbox that the Grid had become. In the midst of a briefing, there had been a somewhat pointed exchange between Ruth and Harry over the best course of action. Such a discussion was not unheard of, and indeed, was practically expected. The briefing over, everyone started filing out. Tariq, who had been sitting across from Ruth, had a smirk on his face.
"What's so funny?" Ruth asked, as she picked up her files.
"It's just that sometimes you and Harry are exactly like an old married couple," he replied.
Ruth muttered something under her breath and stormed out, leaving Tariq perplexed. Beth wasn't positive, but she was pretty sure that Harry had still been within earshot for the exchange.
A short chapter, but I hope you liked it. I have another one in my head, and will hopefully be able to get it down and uploaded soon! Please leave a review….