Santana stared at their handhold. It was the only thing she could do without trembling like a leaf in the obstetric chair. Since they had arrived ten minutes ago, Santana had been holding tightly to Brittany's hand and clutched it between both of her own. She kept focusing on it: a solid and frank embrace that gave her just barely enough strength.
"Relax sweetheart, it's gonna be fine..." Brittany tried. She was worn down by stress. Her words couldn't have softened anyone Even she didn't believe them.
Santana stared blankly, her anxiousness drawing dark circles around her eyes. Around them, the empty room was painfully silent. Her position was far from reassuring. Ferguson had instructed Santana to undress the bottom of her body to prepare for the insemination and then wait for her on the chair. There she was, legs bare and naked, for minutes that seemed to take her entire life.
Their jaws tightened when the unlocking handle clinked and Ferguson came back into the room carrying a tray with the precious treasure hidden under an immaculate cloth. Santana's lips trembled and she frowned. She was crushing Brittany's fingers. It was the only thing she could hold onto.
"Relax Santana. I know it's hard, but it's just an insemination. It takes one minute and it doesn't hurt... It might work and it might not work... It's just a try. Consider it just as a try. It's completely different from last time and you know it," Ferguson tried to reassure her with honesty as she set everything on a small rolling table right close to Santana's legs.
Santana had chosen to do an insemination because it was less demanding than IVF, like she had done before. She wouldn't have to take a week off of work and she would be able to do whatever she wanted with their daughter. It was more convenient, but it had less chances of success. Consequently, Santana had on her shoulders the weight of a probable fail. There was no rule as to why an insemination failed or succeeded. There was only hope...and a hint of luck. It barely was a medical act and Ferguson knew very well that this particular status made the soon-to-be mothers contort themselves with anxiety. And Santana was no exception to the rule.
"Still..." Santana let out, her voice almost sounded like a cry.
When Ferguson was finished, she stood right in front of Santana. She gestured in large and light moves to breath deeply. "Come on, we breathe, we calm down... It's just a try..." She took few minutes to ease Santana and create a much more relaxed atmosphere. "You can take five minutes to hug if you want, do something that eases you..."
"It's fine," Santana answered in a whisper. She left Brittany's hand to dry her face from the light dew that had appeared out of stress. She took a second to brace herself, eyes shut, and grabbed Brittany's hand again.
"Alright... Put your legs in the supports and sit right next the edge, please," Ferguson fell back into her doctor's persona. Her legs trembling, Santana slid her feet in the cold supports on each side of the chair and eased herself in the right position. "It's just like a normal checkup, just a try remember," Ferguson kept talking to distract Santana from the overwhelming stress.
Santana put their firm handhold to her lips and closed her eyes. She pressed her lips against it, in a kiss that could last a long while. She focused on the warm hand against her skin and the pulsating veins drumming in Brittany's each fingers.
Brittany couldn't take her eyes off of Ferguson. She wanted to witness everything, every single step. This little train of moves busied her thoughts and that was reassuring. When Ferguson uncovered the full syringe, Brittany felt a rush of adrenaline flow. This hurried feeling woke up some strength. A baby was possibly hiding in it. That was it. She crouched and rested forehead against forehead. To make room, Santana lowered their hold on her heart, where her blood was drumming like loud cymbals. Brittany's light breathing on her face reassured Santana. Her perfume smelled like home, despite the white and ordinary room. It helped her calm her mad ribcage.
"I'm starting. Is that alright?" Ferguson asked with the most reassuring voice.
"Yeah..." Satana breathed out.
"Great, I'll tell you when I'm about to push it, okay?" Ferguson ranted to keep Santana's mind busy. Santana clutched their hands harder.
"One... two..." Brittany approached her waiting lips right against Santana's. "And three-" She put the lightest kiss when Santana breathed out. "It's in!" Brittany sealed with a longer kiss which Santana reciprocated with all her love.
Only the doctor's ministrations clinking sounds came to their ears when, frozen in their light moment, Santana and Brittany were out of the world. Santana weakly removed her legs from the supports when Ferguson asked her to so she could lay straight on the chair that, when Ferguson fixed the last part up, looked like a bed. She didn't move an inch when Ferguson took off the supports so Santana and Brittany could wait the next thirty minutes around something that didn't look like a torture machine.
"Lift your hips, please," Ferguson brought them back to Earth. She was waiting right by Santana, a heavy cushion in hand. "I need you to rest your hips a little higher," she instructed with a kind smile.
They parted to let Ferguson slide the cushion into the best position possible. Santana kneeled to get a comfy position, her legs glued together.
"Are you feeling comfortable like that?" Ferguson asked.
"Yes..."
"Really? 'Cause you'll have to wait thirty minutes straight, so if you need another cushion or something, just say so."
"I'm fine," Santana blurted in a low voice.
"Okay, great." Ferguson grabbed a little timer she had carried in. She set it and put it right in their line of sight on the minimalist furniture. "I leave that here... Don't stand up before it buzzes." She took the little tray back, the empty syringe standing proudly in the middle of other devices and started to head out to leave them a moment together. "I'll leave you now. I'll be in my office if you need anything or if you have any questions," she explained with a smile and closed the door behind her.
Brittany came closer and, arms open wide, brought Santana into a hug. They remained motionless, snuggling into each other's neck for minutes that flew over them. Not a word, not a smile... They just waited, hugging close in each other arms, praying that it would work.
When the timer buzzed an infinity later, parting felt like a wrench. Brittany softly let go and Santana started to stand up, moving herself, legs-first, out of the bed. Santana felt heavy. Her legs and stomach seemed to bear the whole world's weight. She had no reason to be careful, no reason to worry about her every move... yet she put her feet on the ground as if she were walking on clouds. Her lazy steps barely grazed the tiled floor.
Mimicking her motions, Brittany followed her closely with the same care, as if they were tied by an invisible thread. They just couldn't stay away from each other, not even for a few feet. She adjusted her dress and sat to put her shoes back.
Santana felt incredibly dizzy. It felt like everything she might do could influence the result of this try. Even sitting to put on her shoes seemed risky. There was no reason to worry at that point, but her heart couldn't stop crying a whole river of hope.
Brittany helped her slide back in her cardigan. "Are you ready?"
Santana nodded. She was too overwhelmed to speak. Slowly, they made their way to Ferguson's office, a couple of doors away. Brittany naturally took control over the situation. She was the one supporting, the one taking the stress with a poker face so Santana could lean on her. Consequently, she was the one to knock on Ferguson's door, her arm protectively snuggling over Santana's shoulders.
"Come in," Ferguson spat loudly. Brittany opened the door with a moist hand. Ferguson immediately stood up when she caught sight of them. "Come in, take a seat." she said with a smile pushing the chairs a little away from her desk.
They sat quietly and sobbed a little inside when they had to let go of each other. They stared blank waiting for the doctor to explain the rest of the procedure.
"So... I prepared everything for you," she said pushing a sheet toward them with a large reassuring smile. "You'll have to do a blood test in twenty days exactly, here's the prescription. They'll send me the results and I'll call you after so I can tell you if it's positive or not. Anyhow, we'll make an appointment, and we'll figure the rest. Is that okay?"
"Yes," Santana croaked through the heavy and quiet atmosphere.
"If you're worn by the wait, you can do pregnancy test, but not before fifteen days. If you do it before then, it might give you a false result. I'd advise to wait for the blood test. It's the only thing that can provide a 100% accurate result after twenty days. But I can understand how excruciating it is so... Not before fifteen days, understood?"
"Yes," Santana answered. Ferguson raised an eyebrow at Brittany, waiting for the confirmation that she wouldn't let Santana do it before, at all costs.
"Crystal clear," the blonde agreed. Brittany grabbed the prescription and folded it to put in her bag.
'I guess that's all for today. See you in twenty days then?" Ferguson stood up and offered her hand to be shaken. Brittany went first and Santana barely even grazed the doctor's hand, too weak to shake. "Come on... Courage!" Ferguson's happy voice burst through their weird mood, as the doctor tapped on Santana's shoulder.
Santana cracked a smile as she headed out quietly.
"Thank you," Brittany said when Ferguson was about to close the door.
"You're welcome, Brittany."
The blonde resumed protectively holding on Santana's shoulders. She walked her out, embracing her so very tight, so she could forget the heavy weight making her feet drag on the hallway floor. Not a single word was spoken in the car. Santana rested her head on Brittany's shoulder as the blonde drove them home and stroked her thigh once in a while. As soon as they reached home, Santana went straight to their bedroom and curled up on the cover like a little poor thing, without even taking her shoes off. When Brittany had finished taking her coat and shoes off in the entrance, she joined her and sat on the bed's edge.
"Is there anything you want?" Brittany cared.
Santana shook her hand half buried in the pillows. Brittany cracked a smile. She went to take her shoes off, Santana barely helped. She then leaned closer and tried to take her coat off but Santana refused to move, mindlessly afraid that moving too much would lead the insemination to a complete fail.
"Come on, Santana, please..." Brittany insisted, pulling on her sleeve.
Santana complied before resuming her sad position. Brittany pulled a cover over them and took her back in her arms.
"I love you," Brittany breathed out in the secrecy of their embrace. She put a playful and light kiss on her nose, cracking a smile.
Santana relaxed just enough to regain speech. "How did we do this last time? How did we manage those freaking twenty days?"
"I don't know... But we did it once, so we can do it again," Brittany said lightly.
Santana breathed out, exasperated. "For your information, I'm not leaving this bed for the rest of the day."
"No problem as long as you make room for me, 'cause I'm about to fall off this bed," Brittany kidded. Santana peeked around, she was right in the middle of the bed. She pulled herself until she reached her side of the bed, the one she had been sleeping in for years. "Much better!"
"Will you still love me if it fails?" Santana asked on a worried tone.
Brittany puffed. "I didn't know inseminations could get you high..." She giggled and snuggled closer.
- o -
In the guest room, Chloe woke up feeling nauseous. She had called her sister in the middle of the night after a party she attempted had turned into an alcoholic orgy. She had been feeling too sick to even think about coming back to her own apartment, all the way across the city. Her sister's place was just a few blocks away and it had seemed much wiser to take a cab for a five-minute ride to get there. Considering the extremely late hour, Brittany had just given her a cover to curl into and, very wisely, a bowl - just in case Chloe would have been tempted to ruin the carpet.
Curled up in the cover, she was feeling too sick. She went out of the room with the cover on her shoulders, looking like a snowy mountain on her, and headed the kitchen swallowing back over and over again to calm her upset stomach. When she reached the heart of the house, Brittany, Santana and Sophia were eating their breakfast reverently. In complete silence.
"Hey..." Chloe managed to let out between two mad breaths.
"Good morning," Brittany said speaking for the three of them.
Chloe took a seat and stared at them. Even Sophia, a true and irrevocably bundle of energy, seemed dull. She was eating her breakfast eyes locked on her plate as if she had been through the biggest scolding her short life had ever known. She mimicked Santana's mood, deep in thoughts and with shifty eyes on the other side of the table.
"I'm sorry to have stormed in here like that last night..." Chloe apologized.
She thought it might be her fault. Maybe she had woken Sophia, and maybe the little girl had been a pain in the ass all night. Perhaps she had been too drunk to even realize the loud mess she could have caused and how it might have caused Santana to be very irritated.
"Don't worry, it's fine," Santana answered hurriedly, her tone as strict as when she was scolding their daughter.
"It's better to know you safe in here," Brittany confirmed with a tender look that didn't last long nevertheless.
"Really, I promise it won't happen again. This night was a terrible mistake and I shouldn't have burst in her-"
Brittany tapped on her sister's hand, sitting just by her, trying to be reassuring. "Don't worry," she insisted.
Sophia bit her lips, wondering. "Mama, can we go to the zoo tod-"
"No, you have school," Santana cut firmly, dissuading her daughter from even thinking about negotiating. "Are you finished?" she inquired with the same tone.
"Yes," Sophia answered, almost pouting, trying to cope with her mama's bad mood. Santana stood up taking her own plate and went to take her daughter's.
"Leave it, I'll do it," Brittany said hurriedly.
Santana let her plate hit the table in a loud and careless noise. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Aspirin?" she asked Chloe trying to sound kind. Chloe was taken aback because she didn't even seem angry at her, just... extremely irritated for whatever reason.
"Hm... Coffee's good," Chloe weighted her every word to navigate the obvious storm.
Santana walked to the kitchen counter looking like a ghost. To reassure her sister, Brittany threw her a kind smile. Even she was in a terrible state of mind, but she had to make up for Santana.
"How was the party last night? Was it at least nice?" Brittany inquired to chat and actually distract her sister. She honestly didn't care about her sister's party. All she wanted was to spare Santana some grilling time from her sister, always so curious.
"Oh yeah, that was really good until I met my old friend Vodka," Chloe relaxed.
"Ouch..." Brittany pitied her. "Vodka's the worst for that..."
"Yuppers, that plus the beer, and rum and-" Chloe felt nauseous again, "Anyway..." They'd better switch subject before she threw up.
Bored, Sophia started to drum on the plate with her spoon. "Go play in your room, Sophia. And I don't want to hear you," Santana ordered, less than two seconds after the irritating sound came to her ears. Sophia didn't need to be told twice. She was already jumping out of her chair to escape the bad mood in the air.
"Not so fast, give me a hug first," Brittany said, trying to compensate for Santana's hard tone. Her little girl threw herself in her arms, and they cuddled. Brittany allowed herself a moment, breathing the reassuring smell of her daughter's hair. A lump tightened her throat. Sophia pulled away - too soon if you asked Brittany - and left immediately. Brittany pulled herself together and resumed her discussion.
Chloe was taken aback. Usually, Brittany and Santana stood together when Sophia was being naughty. It seemed that this time Santana was the problem, not the little girl who, for once, seemed pretty calm. Chloe tried to figure what might been up. What an ordeal considering the thick fog her mind was set in.
"Did she get her period or what?" Chloe asked whispering.
She might have not whispered low enough. Santana let a mug fall on the countertop, almost hard enough for it to break. She rested both hands on the counter, offering a full view of her back, her sad shoulders falling and her tense neck. She pulled herself together and filled a mug with coffee, and eyes down, put it in front of Chloe.
"Here's your coffee. I'll just go back to bed if you don't mind," Santana tried her best to warm her cold tone but lamely failed. Without a look, she headed out.
Chloe was too absorbed by Santana's bad mood to realize that her sister had fell apart right next to her, and had pulled herself together immediately. Brittany put her fork down. This morning, her appetite was barely existent, but now it was all irrevocably gone.
Brittany coughed to swallow the lump in her throat. "Yes, she did." Chloe was too sick to think about something to answer and consequently, break the heavy silence her comment had put them in. "She just... she has been sick all night. Stomach cramps..."
"I'm so sorry Britt, you could have told me on the phone that she was sick, I would have figured something else!"
Brittany fought back her sorrow, standing up and starting cleaning. "No, really, it's fine. She's just having her period, no biggie," the last words scalded her tongue. "I'll just go see if she's okay," she said putting the plates in the sink.
"Yeah, sure."
"Okay... Just... Do whatever you want, okay? Feel free to take a shower or eat or... whatever..." Brittany had hard time finding her words, the lump in her throat was holding them all. "Live your life. Don't mind us..." Brittany left the kitchen, leaving her sister alone with her coffee and her skeptical thoughts.
When she entered her bedroom, Santana was curled up in under the covers, only her black bun could be seen. She joined her, exactly the way she had held her all day long on the insemination day, exactly how she had been holding her all night long after Santana had broken down crying when, just coming back from the toilet, she announced her period had come two days early.
As soon as she hugged Brittany back, Santana's cries resumed. She sobbed against her chest. They both knew it could fail, but they had never experienced it. Santana was feeling so empty... and useless. Now unfit to conceive despite the beautiful daughter she had carried. She was devastated.
So was Brittany. Santana's cries were breaking her heart, already knowing some scars would remain from this. She couldn't hold back anymore, her own tears poured down her cheeks.
"It was just a try, we can have many others..." Brittany sobbed out, trying to find some hope somewhere when they felt like they had lost a possibly child. "Just next month, we just have to wait until next month to try again," she kept repeating the same words she had chanted all night.
"But it failed Britt... It failed..." Santana cried out. Her sadness weighed too heavily on her shoulders to even start to think about another try just yet.
Brittany cried even more, when Santana was speaking those words her mind screamed incessantly. She had no words and no reassuring gestures left. She had no strength to try to reassure her after a night spent drying their tears. She held her even closer grabbing Santana's hair, almost too strongly to be sweet. But neither of them knew was tenderness anymore. Only the darkest shade of sorrow colored their every motion and thought. Only sadness and disappointment were left to be lived.
- o -
Sophia was nodding off in Brittany's arms, while Santana, Sam and her were finishing their dinner. They couldn't feel more down. They had tried three times, and had ended up with three fails. They had stopped crying. They were at a point where they hadn't any more tears left to cry. The disappointment colored their hearts with dullness, weariness. Santana felt as if her body was betraying them. The feeling that she seemed not able to conceive anymore depressed her. She couldn't give her family the baby they all wanted, and her uterus seemed on strike for a reason she didn't know.
"... and if tomorrow's try fails too, we're in for IVF'," Santana explained, embittered. She shrugged sadly and played with her empty glass of water to keep her mind busy. It was obvious she didn't have any faith left. "And if the IVF doesn't work either, I honestly don't know what we're gonna do... Maybe we'll stop trying for a while, or maybe Brittany will try," she thought out loud about all their options if indeed, she couldn't irrevocably conceive at all.
"What?" Brittany's eyes went wide. "We never talked about me doing anything. And even if this insemination fails, IVF worked last time so I don't see why it wouldn't work a second time-"
"But my mechanics are broken so..."
"Santana..." Brittany breathed out. How hard it was becoming to maintain some hope in her heart.
"Why haven't you tried an IVF after the first try then?"
"Because my obstetrician said it was better like that. Like... trying for four inseminations, and then switch to IVF. I mean, with Sophia around, it would be a little heavy to deal with IVF 'cause last time I was pretty useless for a week, but I guess we won't have the choice soon..."
Brittany breathed sadly. She was feeling so empty-handed on that one. There was nothing she could do to help, instead of trying to reassure Santana. But the brunette refused all help, all support. All Santana was doing was fending Brittany off with the fact that nothing had worked.
"Listen, there's still tomorrow," Sam tried, "And even if it doesn't work, I'll do a second donation for another round of tries. Don't worry about that, really."
Santana's shoulder fell down an inch, so disappointed in herself and feeling guilty, "I'm sorry Sam... It must be so emotionally demanding that I can't even imagine ho-"
"Seriously, it's fine," he said with a reassuring smile. "I knew this could happen when I agreed, so it doesn't make any difference to me," he grabbed Santana's wrist in a friendly hold and stared deep in her eyes. "Really, I'll stick around until you guys get this baby."
Santana's eyes started to wet. Seeing that Sam would support them until it worked was the only thing that could fill her heart with some reassurance.
"You're gonna get that baby whatever it costs, you understand? At all costs," Sam said glancing back and forth between Brittany and Santana, trying to cheer them up. He emptied his glass with one gulp. "Come on girls, I think we've tortured ourselves enough for tonight. Tomorrow's a brand new day," he said standing up and they followed, Brittany struggling not to wake Sophia up.
"Yeah, this one will enjoy her bed tonight," Brittany attempted at kidding, her baby dead asleep in her arms.
"It's gonna work one day, I'm sure," Sam said poking Santana on their way to the exit.
Santana puffed. "Perhaps."
- o -
They're losing faith, Ferguson thought. The syringe in her hand for the fourth time in a row, she observed the scene in front of her.
Brittany was holding Santana's hand, as usual, but she didn't even know if it was out of habit considering how... weak it was. Santana was breathing sadly, already convinced it would fail. Brittany was deep in thought, nervous, but there wasn't a single drop of adrenaline in her look. It had all faded away, as the inseminations failed again and again. It was actually heartbreaking to see them like that. Only Ferguson's inner professionalism was keeping her from almost yelling at them, ordering them to keep hoping. However, the friendship they had gained out of this was beating louder and louder in her mind. They just looked so sad... After all, no one in the room would report to the Hospital's director if Ferguson did something highly unprofessional.
"Brittany, you want to push it in?"
Their faces livened up a bit. "I hm... Is that possible?" Brittany stammered.
"It's against the rules but whatever," Ferguson admitted in a cheerful voice. "I think we can break the rules for the last insemination..."
"Do you want me to do it?" Brittany asked her wife with hope finally tainting her voice.
Cracking a smile - very rare lately, Santana nodded. "Please..."
Brittany had already let go of their handhold to stand near Ferguson, right in front of Santana.
"I just need to set it in, and we're good, just a sec," she explained. She inserted the syringe, put it in the perfect place. "Here, hold it like this," she instructed.
Brittany's suddenly shaky hand slid right between Ferguson's and the syringe so the doctor could let go without them losing the right position. The syringe in her hand finally sent adrenaline in her blood.
"Yeah it's perfect like that. Then you need to empty it in one firm push. It's whenever you want, I'll just.. wait here..." Ferguson said turning around to leave them in their own bubble.
Brittany gazed at Santana. This little twist added something special to the situation, something more intimate. Even if she wasn't holding her or kissing her, not even grazing her skin anywhere, they couldn't feel more bound. She threw her a large smile, her face cut in two by her grin. She raised an eyebrow, eyes melting, quietly asking for Santana to tell her when she wanted Brittany to seal the deal. Santana took a deep breath and nodded in a barely noticeable head move.
With her other hand, Brittany pushed all the contents in until the syringe stopped. She stared at the empty syringe she was holding strongly for a second, taking in what she had just done.
"It's in," Brittany whispered, too overwhelmed to move.