Karel-Sword Demon

He has been an angel and a devil. But no, he is not a fallen shooting star. Romantics, I am speaking to your group! No, he is not a fabled samurai who jump from cliffs to the rescue of helpless young screaming damsels with a swish of his hair. No, he is not a hairier Hamlet, so all the Ophelias out there; continue to drown yourselves in despair. And no, neither is he Jaffar; so do not start having any ideas, Matthew Ostia.

He is, however, one of the most artistic and suave demons of all times. His name is but a whisper, but for everyone's sake today, I shall scream it out loud.

"Ladies and gentlemen and those who belong to neither category, please put your hands together to welcome the SWORD DEMON! KAREL!" (Cameras start flashing enthusiastically as the curtains part gracefully. "Ohh…ehh…everyone, it appears like we have a last-minute request from our distinguished person-in-question. Please put away all cameras and electronic devices that may interfere with our guest-of honour's echoes, for all he can hear now are click, click and click, which is bad, for usually, it signals that dinner is served…" (All cameras stop flashing instantly.)

Now, back to our introductions to this mysterious person. He is known as a demon, and indeed he is a demon. Very few people have ever seen how he looks like, for practically all of them die before they utter another syllable. However, our fearless reporter, in return for a bribe of 500 million gold, smeared himself all over with garlic and survived on a meager diet of garlic bread for three weeks, managed to take a close-up photograph of the Sword Demon. The first photograph of the Sword Demon in the history of demon kind is hot of the press and do remember to take a close look at it.

"Gentlemen, do hold on to your ladies, for this charismatic Sword Demon has been known to cause fainting symptoms amongst those of the female gender. Oh! I see that that lady there has fainted! What? Oh, right, it is the sister of the Sword Demon. Never mind…"

Ahem, we shall direct everyone's attention back to the famous Sword Demon here. Ladies and gentlemen, please examine the Sword Demon's perfect mouth. No, it is not a joke. Please examine his fabulous mouth, which I bet 500 million gold and four doughnuts that none of you have. The main attraction of the Sword Demon is in his mouth. If you take a close whiff at it, you can smell the aromatic scent of rust, stale water, iron and mould on top. Yes, it is a highly aromatic combination. Ladies, or those in between, who wish to purchase a bottle of this exclusive Sword Demon mouth-dribble scent, feel free to order from the Sword demon at the price of half a litre of blood per bottle. The secret behind maintaining the sweet scent is the Sword Demon's personal habits. After dinner, Karel, as observed by our reckless and greedy Black Fang reporter, partakes in a licking of the face. Standing over a bowl of mercury (remember that his reflection cannot appear on the normal mirrors), he licks his face with ultra-long and ultra-fat two-metre tongue and cleans the leftover blood from them. In that was, he puts perfume onto himself as a daily routine and without any of those troublesome little messy bottles that shatter at the break of a heart. Isn't it wonderful? Of course, those who wish to try, feel free to do so. But, but, but I recommend you, before doing anything else like licking the mirror instead of your face, purchase the two-metre extendable tongue powder. It is guaranteed to work. Made from a fine mixture of bear bones and iron shavings and bits and pieces from Marquess Hector's rent Wolf Beil, it leaves your tongue as swollen as new. We have pictures here painted by our blind painter Lowen, who carefully observed the tongues of screaming, kicking and thrashing volunteers who swallowed the powder very willingly under the threat of having no beer. And just look at their tongues, especially this one! It is from an Ostian berserker. And please ladies and gentlemen, study its gorgeous length. It is long enough to practically go around the world twice!

Oh right, sorry for the advertisements. Karel's tongue is also extremely interesting in the way that it has sharp thorns that are retractable. Do you remember our last guest, the Angel of Death, who had retractable hair? Yes, our new guest here has retractable tongue thorns. Our researchers have shown that Karel has received this trait from our dear assassin Matthew's pussycat, which is incidentally named Leila the Second. It is almost certain that he received the genes from it, which can only lead to one thing: that Karel had already taken Leila the Second's blood before and dyed it selectively for desired genes and implanted it into himself with the utmost sophistication of self-modification. Whoo hoo! What a demon! With his tongue, he licks up blood from wounds and pours them down into his throat. The good part is, he never gets HIV. Or rather, he has never heard of HIV so no one can accuse him of getting it.

Right, and last of all, his complexion is one fantastic aspect of him. He is always 100 percent snow white and….

Okay, sorry folks, Karel is hungry and needs to go hunt for prey. In fact, he is really hungry. So, I suggest that all of you clear off before he comes… Well, at least I'm offffff!! And stay tuned for our next guest: Hector the Butter!

Okay, this is short. I don't like it being this short. But I am running out of...AHHHH TIMMMEEEE OUTTTT!!

Sorry, I'm just trying to be wild.

Apparently the guidebook is rubbish.

But Hector will be up nevertheless, followed by our favourite tragic couple, the thief/assassin couple, Matthew and his girlfriend's ghost.