My Time Of Dying
By Breech Loader
Breech: Just wanna say. In this story, Sonic and Scourge are both 21.
This one was written with Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" playing.
Chapter Three: Somewhere I Belong
It's been three days now. Sonic's uncle set up a bed in the spare room and… I haven't moved from it in three days, except to shit. To be honest, I'm scared. I don't trust myself to leave it…
"Still in there, boy?" His Uncle Chuck appears in the doorway, "My boy is out on a scouting mission. Nobody here to pander to you today."
"Huh…"
"Unlike him, I'm not bringing you your meals, lad. There's a glass of water by your bed. If you want to eat, come down. Breakfast is on the table. Made a guess and made you what Sonic likes. I make it every morning anyway. Chilli Dogs."
I shrug, "Good guess."
He leaves me, and I'm glad. I miss Sonic already though. He'd bring me breakfast, and lunch, and dinner, and stay with me most of the time. And that just reminds me that I'd feel bad about causing him trouble when it's so damn pointless for me to even be alive.
I get out of bed. Guess I don't have a choice.
Chuck's at the table. Old man doesn't look too surprised to see me. I sit at the table and start poking at the pile of Chilli Dogs – yes, I do like them best. And no, I'm not hungry. Except I am. But I don't feel like eating. I just sit there and wish I had some purpose in life other than busting up decent people.
"So, boy, what did you really comehere for?"
"If I told ya, would it change what you believe?" I sigh and put a whole Chili Dog into my mouth and start chewing. And chewing. And chewing…
"What with those bandages on your wrists, it might," he tells me, "And if it doesn't, it's nobody's fault but yours."
"You're just like my Uncle Chuck, y'know?" I'm speaking with my mouth full, because I still haven't swallowed yet, "He was always thinking he knew best too. Telling me I was a worthless little punk and I'd never amount to nothing. Then he went off to explore the world while dad used me for a fucking political tool to look like a family man. Haven't seen him in years. With any luck he's dead…"
"Boy, I don't know how you talk on Moebius, but when you're staying in this house you'll mind your manners!"
I shrug, "I hate my life." I consider spitting the Chili Dog back out, but what the hell, I don't really deserve to eat but I swallow anyway and head out to sit on the bench outside, all alone with my face in my hands. Everybody who passes by hates me. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be anywhere.
I'm crying again like a weakass. Not loud, but just sitting there and trying not to let anybody see how completely pathetic I've become. And not doing very well at it either. After a bit, I lie down on my side and start hating my dad for a while. Feels better than hating myself, anyway.
I could tell the difference. I could always tell the difference.
Dad never paid any attention to me. Well, kinda. See, being a good dad makes you look like a Family Man, and family men get all the cool popularity shit. So yeah, he'd take me with him to the political rallies, and he would get up and give speeches about how "I understand how you feel; I'm a family man myself." And he'd hold me up and hug me and shit. And everybody would clap and cheer. And then we'd go home.
He invited the interviewers to my sixth birthday party. My seventh, I was taken to a parade in his fucking honour. My eighth, he was in goddamn Downunda. I got a phonecall from his secretary.
He didn't show at my first school games, when I ran the track before most of the kids had gotten past the starting line. Or at my fifth baseball game, when I was the only guy on the opposing team. When I got good marks, he'd pat me on the head and say, "Well done son." Then it's back to paperwork.
First time I got into a fight, I got busted up real bad. I didn't know what to do, y'know? Got handed the shitty end of the shit stick. And a lot of times after that. He wasn't sorry for me. He was pissed. Kept telling me I should face up to them
Got better at it though. Turned out the less bruises I got, the less he complained.
And then the first time I won and I won good, I came back and figured dad would quit bitching about how I should face up to the bullies.
Turned out the kid's dad had gotten there first. Dad was so pissed that I had 'started a fight'. Went on, and on, and on.
And I'll tell you this – it was the most attention he'd paid to me since I'd accidentally caused a car crash a couple of years back.
Yeah, he noticed when I got into fights and kicked their asses down to the ground. Noticed when I started lifting things in shops. Noticed when he had to bail me out for hacking into that car and taking it for a ride. Noticed the hell out of me when I stabbed that kid at school and got kicked out.
And he was really begging for my attention the day I-
No… don't wanna think about that…
Just curl up and pretend I can sleep…
"Hey, Green Boy?"
I look up, "Sonic?"
"Time's up. You gotta go back."
"What? But you said-"
"You're dangerous, Scourge. Seriously, even you know it. We had a vote. Unanimous."
"But… you… Why?"
"Hey, Sal's my girl. And the Princess. Gotta stick with her. You'd do the same."
"Well, yeah, but I'm not you-"
My hands are cuffed. I can't run. They drag me to the Star Posts, "Save us the trouble and don't call again, Scourge."
"NO! Don't send me back, they'll fucking kill me!"
"So? You wanted to die, didn't you?"
They slam something into the back of my head… everything goes black… and when I open my eyes, I'm strapped to a table and looking up at a very familiar sneering mockingly at me.
"Fiona?!"
"I told you not to come back, Scourge. Nobody wants you. But I'm actually kinda glad you did. We all warned you. So now… we're gonna finish the job you started."
"NO! OH GOD, NO!"
"But don't look so scared, sweetie! We're not gonna do it fast…"
The table swings back, and I go straight into ice water and start screaming but the water's everywhere in my mouth and nose and eyes and I'm freezing cold and kicking but I can't stop screaming and screaming. They bring me up for a few seconds and I'm blinded by the water and paralysed by the ice and oh god, I can hear them laughing and they're slapping me mockingly.
I hack up enough water to beg.
"Oh GOD! PLEASE! PLEASE, NOT LIKE THIS! NOT IN THE WATER!"
And then the table swings me back again, into the black and the cold and the wet, and it's like I'm dying, but I can still hear them.
"Take it, Scourge! Take it!"
"Wake up, Scourge! Wake UP!"
And I'm screaming and clawing and kicking at thin air and soaking wet and choking out water.
"OH GOD OH GOD PLEASE NO!"
"Scourge! Dammit, Scourge, wake up!"
"OH GOD! OH GOD! Oh… oh…" the world comes into focus and it's… just… Sonic… He's got an empty bucket in one hand and I'm soaking wet. He's shaking me. But I'm not strapped to a waterboarding table on Moebius… it's just evening in nEW Knothole, lying on a bench. I lurch to sit up and grab him.
He holds me carefully, "I got back from the mission and you were asleep, so I left you. And then after a bit you started screaming and screaming. You were kicking and lashing out like crazy…" he nods aside, "You caught Rotor a kick in his big gut. We tried to hold you down but then you got worse. You wouldn't wake up even when we pinned you and shook you."
"So Sonic ran to get water," the fox-boy adds to one side, "It took two or three buckets… Scourge, do you often have nightmares like that?"
Only when I forget to take Kintobor's medication… "I… I…" And why are they giving a rat's ass anyway? "Does it matter?"
They're looking at each other. Was I that bad? Fiona would just start yelling at me and kick me out of bed for waking her up.
It's clouding over now anyway. You know how dreams are. Things are completely impossible and there's huge gaps, but you still think they're real. And then they go away but the fear… yeah, the fear is still there, and you want to remember… "Was I saying anything?"
"Not really," Sonic sighs, "Mostly just a lot of screaming."
"Then forget it…" I stand up and head into Sonic's house, throwing myself back on the couch and grabbing a cushion to press to my face. I try to press it hard enough to stop breathing, but it's harder than you'd think. I should know; I've tried before. Every time you pass out, you let go of the pillow and you start breathing again.
Sonic snatches it off me, "Okay, so… do you normally scream like that in your sleep?"
I sling my legs over the end of the couch, "Don't know. I'm asleep, remember?"
"Then I'm gonna take that as a yes," he sits down, "Scourge… come on. I didn't ask Sal to let you stay just so that you can be suicidal on Mobius instead of Moebius."
I look up at him, and he turns me a bit, so I'm laying with my head in his lap.
"I didn't leave Moebius," I sigh, "Fiona kicked me out. We split, but it was her who dumped me. I don't blame her; I was going downhill anyway. Like I said, who wants a depressed junkie King for a-"
"Woah, slow down, Green Man," Sonic stops me, "You're telling me that Fiona kicked you out of your own dimension, which you are supposed to be the king of, while you were going through… all of this?! I knew she was a bitch, but…"
"Don't you watch the movies? The bad guy doesn't get the girl," I look away from the blue blunder, "And for good reason."
"You could have told me that sooner."
"Yeah. Now you feel even better, right?" I sit up, "You're Sonic the Hedgehog, and you can have any babe you want. I'm Scourge, and I can have any babe I want, provided she hasn't got work in the morning."
"Scourge… there's something I should probably tell you about that," I don't turn, "Yes, I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, and I could have any girl I wanted. But that's the thing. They all want Sonic the Hedgehog. That's all they want."
"But you're a nice guy who respects chicks," I point out.
"True, but I'm also super-famous and ultra-cool, and I save the world all the time. That's what they see. And that is the real me, but it's not all there is. It's weird but… I worked that out when you came to hit on all the girls. Y'know, way back when you were still blue."
"You what?"
"You're super-famous and ultra-cool too," he grins, "And you can kick the ass of anybody who isn't me as well. And you tricked all those nice girls into thinking you were me, because that's all they see. If they saw more than that, then…" he shrugs, "Well, I'm kinda going through a chick-less phase right now."
"Then how'd you get Sally to-" I brush it off, "Never mind…"
"You don't have to schmooze chicks to get them to do something, Scourge."
"Not in your dimension, maybe…"
"True…" he smiles, "Do you have a bat called Rouge in your dimension? She's kind of a skank here so…"
"I don't know… Never met her there," I sigh, "Good guys are bad and bad guys are good but… You've met O'Nux? Total douche. Complete loser. I wasted him real good, then kicked him out of the dungeons just to show him just how totally useless he is. Sometimes things get weird…"
I'm not sure what he's saying now. I'm kind of ignoring him anyway. Because somehow I know that he's trying to comfort me, and knowing that makes me feel better than actually paying attention to any of the words he's actually saying. To make sure he keeps on talking, I nod and hum vaguely.
He's warm and strong, and I don't feel so cold and weak. I roll onto my side without really thinking about it, and because it just feels better, it's the side that faces him. Probably shouldn't be facing this way, but he doesn't complain. Smells good…
And now he's stroking his fingers through my quills. Fiona never really did that – at least not properly. She didn't have the experience with hedgehogs to do it without slicing her hands off. But Sonic's good at it. Just my head-quills at first, then all the way down my back. I'm not sure if he even knows he's doing it, but he's doing it right, because for the first time in months I can feel my quills relaxing.
I want to hold him… and I want him to keep holding me. So I just… sit up on the couch a bit and… well, I put my head on his shoulder. I wrap one arm around his back loosely. He sinks his fingers right in past my quills and caresses the skin, and I feel a slight tremble pass through me.
It feels good.
"Feeling better?"
"Yeah… a bit…" I pause, "I could still use some more though."
There's a pause in the movements of his hands, and I know it's all my fault. Things generally are. I look up and… he's blushing. I realise how that must have sounded. Ah, crap. He's a guy and I'm a guy and…
And I'm the bad guy anyway, and I'm not seriously thinking of the good guy like that, am I? No, I can't be. But it wouldn't matter if I did, because I am the bad guy and I don't get the girl, even when the girl is a guy.
"Crap. Sonic, I didn't mean it to sound like… uh…" I hate doing it, but I pull away from him. I don't even know why I did that. Guys shouldn't be with guys; that's just fucked up. Damn, I fuck things up without even trying. People try to be nice to me, and they get their lives ruined for it.
He grins, obviously embarrassed, "Okay, so this is awkward, but-"
I ruin everything for everybody. I could've stayed here and kept my hands to myself and my mouth shut and things could've just been okay, and nobody would have been trying to kill me – well, they might, but at least less people than usual. And I could've been close to him, and I might feel like there's somebody out there who gives a shit, and it would be him. Except… except…
"No. I should go. I'll be back when…" Oh man, I don't want to leave this place, but I can't stay here… I don't belong here, "I'm just going out, okay?"
I head out the door.
Fast.
When this began, I had nothing to say,
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me,
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind,
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel,
Just stuck, hollow and alone,
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own,
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real,
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long,
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real,
I wanna find something I've wanted all along,
Somewhere I belong…
And I've got nothing to say,
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face,
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind,
What do I have but negativity,
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me,
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone,
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own,
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real,
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long,
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real,
I wanna find something I've wanted all along,
Somewhere I belong…
Breech: Yeah, Scourge is kind of homophobic. Well, we can't ALL be open-minded. He's not sticking around to be seduced. On the other hand, depression is a harsh mistress, and he's not exactly popular on Mobius… so he might get into trouble…
And since this is all Scourge's POV, who knows what Sonic's thinking? Well, I do…