~So this is the last chapter of Still. i gotta say thank-you to LC Riots for 313. she's totally the reason this story progressed from the beginning scene to this last chapter. i want to decdicate this whole thing to you for being an awesome reviewer & an equally amazing writer. i hope you enjoy it ^-^ As always i love feedback so please take the time to review if you took the time to read it. Thanks!~
~Chapter 3~
A heavy silence hung between the two wrestlers as they rode the elevator up to the 5th floor. Alex waited for Matt to slide the key card through the lock. He'd pictured this night going so differently when he boarded the plane in Orlando. He had envisioned a night full of lips and tongues in places and on skin that had missed meaningful affection. He had envisioned a night full of blanketed conversations and the safe harbor of a lover's arms. Instead he'd gotten struck down by the night's stars and was beginning to wonder if holding onto his own rising star was really just holding him back. Matt threw the key onto the stand and dragged his hands through his short dark hair, tugging not so gently at the ends. Alex followed him in; the door clicked loudly behind him. The younger boy kept his back to the door and Alex.
The TNA competitor opened his mouth to suggest that he should just head to the airport now, but when he caught sight of his WWE counterpart's taut arms around his stomach and bowed head all thoughts of leaving disappeared. Alex knew the smaller boy was chewing his bottom lip, a gesture that always meant he was overwhelmed. Alex's heart acted on its accord and he found himself instantly behind Matt; placing soothing hands on his tense shoulders. The boy flinched and began to step away, causing both of them to feel something crack inside their chests.
"Matty." Alex fought out through his sudden dry mouth. "Please."
The boy turned around looking up with huge shimmering eyes. "I just can't… I can't do this anymore… And I can't not be with you… I don't know what to do… Tell me what to do Tricks." Big salty diamonds started to slip down smooth cheeks.
"Baby," Alex pulled him against his chest trying to hold the boy together.
"This hurts so much," Matt mumbled out.
"Listen to me," Alex pulled back to cup his hands to those wet cheeks. Steeling himself against the possible pain he was asking for he found a pair of dark eyes and gathered the words. "Tell me what you want the most. I can go… You can have Hennigan. "
Alex watched those eyes squint in confusion then darken to nearly coal. Matt shoved the older boy away from him. Alex actually stumbled a bit, barely getting his footing and avoiding falling backward.
"How noble of you; to give me to Johnny. Never mind what this is doing to him."
"I don't care about him," Alex interrupted. "I'm trying to do what you want."
"What I want," Matt scoffed. "You really think I want John Hennigan."
"Well you clearly wanted him tonight… And I know you've had him other times."
Matt's chin dropped and his stance shifted, the words knocking him back.
"You're not gonna deny it?" Alex demanded.
"No." The younger boy's jaw set and he squared his shoulders. "Denying it isn't going to make it go away, is it Alex?" He spat the same words out that had nearly destroyed him once upon a time ago.
"Don't," the older brunette implored casting his face down at the blow.
"Why? Does it hurt you to hear?" His voice was strong, but had an unmistakable tinge of pain underneath.
"You can't keep using that against me. You hurt me too!" Alex yelled back. "You just left me… You didn't even think twice about leaving TNA."
"You told me to! You encouraged me, said it was a good opportunity. You can't hold something you told me to do against me. And it's not like I didn't fucking try… You were just too busy falling into Sabin's arms."
"What was I supposed to do? You killed me when you left; Chris was only trying to help."
"Yeah," the younger boy scoffed with a roll of his eyes, "help you right into bed."
"Don't put that on him! You… I… I felt like you just abandon everything we had. I was lonely."
"Well so was I. I was in a whole other country and all I wanted was you. And you were back here with Sabin. I had to hear it from Daniels, you didn't even tell me."
"I told you why…" Alex pushed his hands roughly through his short hair. "It wasn't anything but comfort and when you came back we were so good. I didn't wanna fuck that up."
"So just lie to me for a year!"
"I didn't lie to you! Besides, you never mentioned Hennigan. I never would've known if he hadn't fucking told me. And then Jeff telling me how much he cares for you; like I wanna hear that shit."
"So you can take comfort in Sabin but I'm not allowed to have anyone? You wanna talk about killing you; you fucking destroyed me Alex." Matt bit hard on his bottom lip to stop it from quivering.
"And I'm sure Hennigan just couldn't wait to swoop in and take advantage," the older boy accused.
"It wasn't like that. Don't say that about him," Matt's eyes narrowed.
"Really, so you fell into his waiting arms willingly then. Is that how it happened Evan?"
"You're unbelievable." Matt turned back to the window.
"Are you happy now?" Alex inquired after a moment of deafening silence. "You got your revenge? And yes it fucking hurts… Is that what you wanted?"
Matt whipped back around; fire burned in those smoldering eyes. "If that's what I wanted then I would've done it a long time ago. I could've when I first found out."
"Then tell me what you do want," the Detroit boy shouted. "You aren't making any sense right now, what do you want from me?"
"I want you; I've always wanted you! But I want you like before…. Before Mexico, before Japan, before Sabin, before John… Before everything," he finished in a tiny whisper.
Alex closed his eyes against the threat stinging them. He rolled his head up to face the ceiling wishing the answers or at least something akin to hope would wash over him. He got neither; instead when he opened his eyes again he saw the boy that owned every piece of his heart had turned his back to him once more and this time his shoulders were shaking.
"We can't go back Matty," he said softly. "We keep trying and we just can't."
"I know. But I love you. I can't…"
"I know. I love you… so much."
Matt turned back around, "so what do we do?"
"…Maybe we've hurt each other too much." Alex finally answered.
A choked gasp filled the room.
"I'm sorry Matty," he hung his head.
Almost immediately Alex felt a pair of frantic arms wind around him. Matt held him tightly digging his face into his chest. Alex reciprocated the embrace tangling his fingers in the boy's hair. He dropped butterfly kisses against the side of his neck and ear. He knew he needed to be the stronger one, he just doubted that he could. He squeezed the boy in his arms and tried to swallow the thick lump clinging in his throat.
"Matty-"
"No… no don't." He pressed himself closer into the older boy.
Alex's eyes started to leak, warm wet drops slipping down his face falling onto Matt's neck and shoulder.
"I don't want to… but I don't know how to make it right this time."
The younger brunette whimpered like the words caused him physical pain.
"Baby, listen to me... You mean everything to me. But you're gonna soar Matty… Up among the stars." Alex's words had to compete with his sobs now. "And you deserved to be blinded by them for a while...instead of lost in the dark."
"No," he argued hysterically pulling their foreheads together so he could stare into a mirror of his own hurt. "You are my light…. I don't want the stars, I don't want Hennigan, I just want you…. Please just want me like you used to."
"I always wanted you Matty," hot humid breath ghosted against flushed cheeks.
"Then why…?"
"I don't know. I was so lost without you beside me. I was scared; you were in Mexico experiencing so many new things. It was supposed to be us… but you got to go without me," Alex tried to explain.
"You were jealous?"
"No, it was just… You didn't need me anymore."
"Of course I needed you Tricks. You're the whole reason I even went to Mexico. I just wanted to make you proud of me."
"I was always proud of you Matty. I just felt like I was losing you."
"And Chris was there," the shooting star whispered. "Just like Johnny."
"Yeah, guess so."
Alex dropped a kiss into dark hair; just holding onto the boy for all he was worth, afraid to let go in case it really was the last time.
"How do we fix this Tricks?"
Alex tightened his grip around a leanly toned waist. "I don't know baby. I'm not sure we can."
"But if we love each other than why can't we?" Huge fawn like eyes blinked up at him taking him back to when they were just kids hiding under the blankets fumbling a first kiss.
"Sometimes love just isn't enough. Besides, I don't wanna hold you back anymore. Hennigan does care about you and he can be here for you all the time; I can't. You deserve to be the happiest you possibly can be Matty."
"Then don't do this," he sniffed.
"I just think we need this right now."
A muffled protest was lost in the material of Alex's shirt, and the taller brunetteclamped his teeth down on his bottom lip to keep from screaming. He kept silently repeating that he had to do this, it was for Matty, his shooting star; the boy who was more than any wish could ever grant. Alex realized that they'd both gone very still, he leaned his mouth down to the other's ear.
"Baby?"
Matt suddenly ripped away from the embrace. His eyes were watery, but that fire still glowed around the center.
"Don't! Just go if you're fucking going." He had to turn back to the window like the mere sight of the older boy was too much to bear.
"Matty please don't be like this," he tried to plead.
His hand was just reaching out to brush that ripened berry skin when the smaller boy spun around and pushed him hard. Alex fell back this time barely catching himself on the bed. He sat there stunned, elbow resting on the soft mattress the fuller portion of his body on the ugly carpet. They'd fought before. Matt had punched him square in the jaw when he found out about Chris, and all the anger flashing across that pure face still looked much too foreign, the only difference now was his eyes. Before they were shocked, all his trust broken, now it almost looked like he'd expected this fall out. Maybe Alex was more right than he dared admit.
"Get out." The whisper was vicious like a cornered animal. "Go back to Orlando; back to Sabin."
Alex gathered himself to his feet, never taking his eyes off the boy that he suddenly didn't recognize. He was tense, all his weight waiting on the balls of his feet. He opened his mouth a couple times, grasping for words that just wouldn't come to him.
He wet his lips and rasped out, "Is this really how we're gonna do this?"
"We're not doing anything anymore. We're not kids anymore are we?"
"No, you've clearly grown up," Alex swiveled his neck hoping to ease the spasm. "Hennigan help you with that?"
Those eyes darkened to onyx now. "Yeah he did, and it felt damn good. Revenge was sweet and I couldn't wait for you to find out."
The barb cut him deep; he felt blood gush from somewhere. "Good… good, I'm sure he'll be able to nurse you through this too. I'm sorry I wasted your time Evan."
"Fuck you! You've got no right," he growled stepping forward fists clenched.
Alex snapped before either realized what was happening. He ducked the swing aimed at him and tackled the smaller boy around the middle. They grappled to the bed; cursing and panting in their efforts to overpower the other. Alex caught Matt with an elbow to the chin in the scuffle; he huffed and jammed a knee into the exposed ribs expelling a grunt form the Detroit native. Matt tried to roll on top of the older boy but Alex used the momentum and they crashed to the floor. The younger boy's head smacked against the bed side stand. He cried out and arched up slamming another knee into Alex's crotch.
"Ah fuck." He yelped rolling off the lithe body.
Matt discarded the opportunity to capitalize instead he lay where he was willing the pounding in his head to stop. A warm copper taste lingered in his mouth from biting his tongue when Alex clocked him in the chin. Alex groaned, the pain in his groin throbbed and breathing was tender thanks to the shot to the ribs. Matt slowly opened his eyes when he heard the noise. He could easily reach out and kick the boy lying adjacent to him, but he didn't. He gingerly sat up; resting his back against the bed frame. Alex pulled himself over to the bed and leaned against it as well.
"You fight dirty," Alex proclaimed after getting his air back.
"You deserved it." Matt retorted. "You're the one that's walking away."
"And you don't think I should after all this?"
"God you're always making excuses. If you wanna leave then fucking go but don't say it's 'cause of this. This just proves that you shouldn't go anywhere," Matt leaned his head back on the soft mattress and closed his eyes.
"How does fighting like kids prove I should stay? We've clearly got issues."
"And passion. You're not the only one Jeff talked to."
"Oh Jesus H. Christ," Alex grunted as he shifted up straighter.
Both boys were quiet for a minute, just resting side by side lost in thoughts all their own but similar none the less.
Matt was the first to speak. "I didn't mean it ya know, what I said about revenge and stuff."
"I know. You were right; I have no room to talk about anything."
"No you don't."
It got pin drop quiet again, and they got lost in their own heads for a second time.
"Maybe we do need a break or something," was sighed heavily into the air.
Alex dropped his head to the top his bent knee. It sounded so logical and so far from what either of them wanted. They were literally fighting to stay together so why did he hear himself agree completely?
"Yeah, just for a bit. It'd be good for us to reassess things," he said softly.
"Yeah," Alex had to strain to hear the voice that was even quieter than his. "Can we do it tomorrow? I just wanna go to bed now."
That was the best idea Alex had ever heard. They could sort this all out tomorrow when they were calmer and more rational. They hauled themselves slowly to their feet and Matt headed to the bathroom.
"How's your head?" Alex inquired.
"I'll live," he replied then shut the door.
Alex pulled his shirt off when the water began to run in the sink. He glanced around at the single room and begrudgingly threw a pillow over onto the tiny couch by the window. Matt reemerged shirtless and in a pair of loose track pants. He quirked an eyebrow at the pillow and at Alex who was standing so unsurely in the very middle of the room.
"I promise I won't try to smother you in your sleep or nothing; that couch is way too small."
"Just didn't know how you'd feel about it," Alex shrugged.
Matt rubbed his hands over his face forcefully shoving them back in his hair. "Look, can we just please pretend that we aren't doing this for tonight. All of our issues will still be there in the morning right?"
"Okay," Alex replied gently, he moved the pillow back on the bed.
They each settled down on an edge, making sure to leave plenty of room in between them. Matt fiddled with the covers trying in vain to get comfortable. The room was dark except for a stream of moonlight peeking through the curtains and the fluorescent numbers on the digital clock sitting beside the bed. Alex lay flat on his back staring up at the ceiling, while the boy next to him was curled up on his side. Alex sighed under his breath when he glanced over and saw the curve of his spine.
~xxx~
The darkness had encroached on him but sleep was still elusive. The clock read 3:17 but that couldn't be right, he felt like it should be closer to morning. He knew Matt was still awake because it was too quiet, he didn't hear any cute little snore puffs. Finally he just couldn't take all that silence.
"You're still awake."
"You are too."
Alex ached to move closer to the warm body next to him, but there seemed to be this impenetrable wall between them. Suddenly something breeched that wall and an arm slid over his stomach. Heat radiated at his side.
"Touch me Alex. I can't sleep this close to you and have you not touch me."
He hesitated but only because thoughts of morning complexions plagued his whirling mind.
"Please Tricks."
Alex turned onto his side and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. Matt instantly pulled the coverlet up and over their heads. He snuggled closer; placing his forehead against Alex's.
"Matty," the older boy closed his eyes, his whisper was barely audible even that close.
"Look at me," a hand touched his cheek, thumb rubbing over the line of fashionable stubble on his jaw.
Alex complied, gazing into a pair of the softest chocolateeyes. For once the Motor City Machine Gun was rendered speechless.
"We promised we wouldn't do this remember? That night we spent in Kalamazoo, the night that D'amour set us up with the scouts from ROH. We wrestled each other remember?"
"Yeah, I put you over. The guy came back, gave us his number, and then never could book us in anything when we called him."
"Yeah. We had like 6 of us in a room barely this size that night 'cause Petey didn't have any money."
"No, none of us got paid that night. We had to dig in the van cushions for the last $5.53"
"We only found a buck and some change, the guy just took pity on us."
They shared a chuckle pressing a little closer to each other.
"We said that we'd never let the business get in the way of us," Matt brought the conversation back on track. "We had so many plans, we were gonna go so many places; but we were never supposed to forget each other. I never forgot you Tricks."
"I never meant to do this to us Matty. You were just so far away and both of us got so busy. I don't know how we lost sight of each other."
Suddenly Jeff's words came back to him "Just trust me. Me and Shannon have loved each other since we were kids, but that doesn't mean we never lost sight of each other. Some stars can be awfully blinding."
"Yeah but how do you deal with them until they burn out Jeff?" Alex thought to himself. "Hennigan isn't going anywhere; we'll end up right back in the same place."
"What? You're obviously thinking about something," Matt inquired.
"Just something Jeff said to me earlier. Matty, you know I fucking love you, but… Hennigan's still here and I still can't be; and Chris and I are still a tag team. How are we gonna deal with that? I don't wanna hurt you anymore and I'm not gonna lie I can't stand the thought of Hennigan being near you."
"The feeling's mutual about you and Sabin," the younger boy bristled.
Alex grazed a kiss across his cheek, "don't get mad, I don't wanna fight again."
"Me neither. Johnny and me…. We only hooked up a few times but we are friends. He wants more but," he shrugged off the rest of the statement.
"Do you like him?" Alex couldn't believe they were going to have this conversation.
"Like and love are different, hell love and this is different," Matt squeezed the older boy.
"I know. Chris is my best friend, I love him ya know?"
The younger brunette nodded begrudgingly. The Guns had always been close, even before everything started to unravel.
"We've never given a thought to being with anybody else, but maybe this is like a sign," Alex suggested. "Come to think of it, you've never been with anybody else-"
"I've never wanted anyone else," Matt interrupted.
"Yeah but Baby, I don't want to keep you from experiencing new things. Hennigan might be best for you." Alex had to swallow down the bile that wanted to rise.
"No, it's different with Johnny and me… he's everything I could want, but I just don't… not like that. Even when we were together it was always about you. I wanted to forget you or I wanted to hurt you; you were always there."
"It was like that with me and Chris too; purely physical and only because I couldn't have you."
"I can't do an open relationship Alex…" Matt spoke fearful this progress, if one could call it that, would be damaged.
"Me neither."
The younger St. Louis native sighed in relief. "But this leaves us back at square one."
Alex remained quiet, the situation seemed hopeless. Together or apart they seemed destined to hurt the one they could about the most.
"God, how did Jeff and Shannon do this?" Matt mumbled into the strong chest in front of him.
"They knew when to let go and watch each other fly," Alex finally figured. "We gotta do this Matty, this isn't fair to either one of us. It's like all those songs ya know 'if you love something let it go and if it comes back then that's how you know'"
"I know that you're right, but it doesn't make it any easier."
"Love isn't easy, it's hard work," the older brunette kissed the other boys' ear, and then sucked on the spot just below it. The smaller boy mewled in pleasure running his hands down the curve of Alex's back.
Lips suckled the skin along that soft neck until they found a perfect pout and claimed it for their own. Alex devoured Matt pulling the lithe body as close as physically possible. Limbs tangled, fingers caressed through short dark hair, two separate entities breathed each other in and became one under the protective cocoon of the duvet.
~xxx~
The bright morning sun streamed through the curtains falling on rumpled white sheets. It traced the exposed contours of two entwined bodies and seemed to collect in two pairs of dark mocha eyes. They knew they had to get up, Alex's flight left at noon, but when they left this bed they would be separate beings again. Completely separate. Neither one were ready for that quite yet.
They lingered in twisted blankets for as long as they could; stealing kisses and whispering sweet everythings. Waiting until the last possible second Alex drug himself out of the bed, he pulled on his jeans and snagged a well worn cotton t-shirt that was a little tighter than he was to. Matt smiled sitting up, sheets pooling around his waist. Alex checked the clock; the taxi was probably waiting downstairs already. He leaned down and captured that beautiful pout one last time. Fingers gently pressed into the nape of his neck when he tried to pull away. His bottom lip was nipped and he was pulled back in for more. He tangled his fingers into Matt's hair ready to crawl back into bed with this delicious boy. Oxygen eventually made them relinquish the affection and Alex had to leave now while he still could. He slipped his hoodie on, shouldered his back pack, and made his way to the door. He paused before opening it and looked back at the younger brunette; Matt was worrying his bottom lip in between his teeth and wringing the sheet in his hands.
"I love you Matty. We will find our way back to each other okay?"
"I know. I love you Tricks."
Alex forced himself out of the room, falling against the wall once he was in the hallway. He felt it inside, colder, emptier, Jeff was right; that fire was gone. Alex trudged toward the elevator; he took it down to the lobby all the while chewing the inside of his cheek to keep the sting in his eyes at bay. The doors slid open with a ping and Alex threw his hood up before he got off the lift. Some of the competition's roster was scattered around the lobby. He nodded at Phil, and gave Jeff a small dismal wave. The youngest Hardy's face fell like he immediately knew what happened. Phil began to make his way across the lobby, but a friendly tattooed hand on his shoulder told him it wasn't a good time. Alex was grateful. He continued past the desk, digging his short nails into his palms when John Hennigan and his friend Mike walked by. Cold brown eyes met and for a moment Alex was afraid; afraid that he'd follow his instincts and tackle Hennigan into the wall.
"For Matty, for Matty," he kept repeating in his head. He paused at the elaborate glass doors at the front of the hotel and watched as Hennigan hurried onto the elevator leaving a somewhat confused Mike behind.
A horn blared next to him, he jumped. "You waitin' for a cab buddy?"
Alex ignored the gruff inquisition and slid silently in the back seat. He'd have to hurry if he wanted to make his flight; he had made a promise to Chris.