"Looks like someone isn't getting into the Jingle Bell Cheer!"
Perry groaned. He put his head down on his desk. "Please leave me alone."
Patricia the peacock poked him. "Aww, you can't be grumpy on the holidays! Come on, Kayla and Kristie! Let's sing!"
"Let's not." Perry said.
Patricia ignored him.
"FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, WAS A HAPPY JOLLY SOUL…"
"Frosty! Snowman! Happy! Jolly! Soul!" Kayla and Kristie koala harmonized.
"With an ice cream hat and a button shoe and two eyes made out of poles." Perry muttered.
Patricia giggled. "Silly Agent P! Those aren't the words!"
"There must have been some magic in that ice cream hat we found, for when we placed it on his head, it began to trickle down." Perry said. "Seriously. If you don't have any important reason to be here, get out."
"We're here to deliver you your Kandy Kard!" Patricia said. "Spelled with a K. We decided that in order to help spread holiday cheer, we would need to get people to send others lots of candy! And lucky you! You got a Kandy Kard!"
"I'm honored. Please go away."
"Here you go!" Patricia handed Perry a candy cane with a note tied to it. "Happy holidays!"
"Thanks. Leave my cubicle."
The three agents did so, giggling. Perry rolled his eyes. They sounded like woodland fairies.
"Don't be grumpy with the Kandy Kard Krew." Darren said, poking his head into Perry's cubicle. "It took me forever to convince them to do this in the first place."
"I'm not grumpy with them. I'm mad because Doofenshmirtz is leaving."
"Leaving L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N?"
"No, leaving forever. He's going back to Gimmelshtump, and I'm never gonna see him again." Perry unwrapped his candy cane and started sucking on the end.
"Oh, that sucks. Well, there are plenty of other villains that you can take. There's this new guy who has kids, so he only has time to do evil on Mondays. Think of the breaks you'd have!"
"I don't care about the new villain, okay?" Perry snapped. "Doofenshmirtz wasn't just my work, he was my friend."
Darren froze.
Perry suddenly realized what he had said. He quickly tried to cover it up. "I mean, he was… friendlier than the other villains. I kind of need that kind of attitude when I work that early in the morning."
"Don't let any of the superiors hear you say that." Darren said quietly. "Although I guess getting reassigned now wouldn't really matter…"
He started to walk away.
"HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, TOO." Perry yelled.
...
"Perry! We built a giant robot reindeer!" Phineas said.
"But it flew away with the giant robot chipmunk and we're not invited to the wedding." Ferb said.
"I got a candy cane." Perry said glumly, holding up the small stub that was left.
"Uh oh. You're not getting sad again, are you?" Phineas asked.
"No, Phin. I'm just a little upset because Doofenshmirtz is moving. He can't pay the rent for his house anymore."
"Oh no. That's too bad." Phineas said. "But maybe it'll turn out good."
"Mr. I've-lived-here-my-whole-life is right." Ferb said.
"Oh, that's right… wait! Ferb moved. He knows what moving is like."
"Well, we went on this plane." Ferb said. "And then we got this apartment in Danville and lived there for about a year until mum and father got married and then we moved into this house."
"See? Happy." Phineas said.
"Well, I'm not the one moving. And it's not like Doofenshmirtz is going to this really nice place with a great family. He's moving back to the hometown he hates where everything's all dingy and everyone's pretty cranky with each other. And then there's me, what's gonna happen to me? I'm gonna get reassigned to some villain who doesn't like me."
"Well, don't worry about it now, Perry." Phineas said. "Maybe Doof will find a way to stay."
"Could happen." Ferb said. "We almost stayed in England because the pilot realized he was afraid of heights and wouldn't fly the plane. So we had to wait until another pilot could come."
"Or maybe Doofenshmirtz will get enough money to stay in Danville." Phineas said.
"And he's not gone yet." Ferb said. "You can still do stuff with him."
"True." Perry said. "Thanks, guys."
"Did you ever read your candy cane note?" Phineas pointed.
"Oh, no. I didn't. I was so bummed out with the whole Doofenshmirtz thing and so annoyed by the Kandy Kard Krew's singing that I kind of forgot about it."
"Maybe it's a love note." Ferb said.
Perry snickered. "Yeah, right. 'Dear Perry, I love the way you serenade egg noodles every day. Also, you smell like cucumbers.' Here Phin, you read it." He handed the note to Phineas.
"Dear Perry," Phineas read. "I think you're a really nice guy and really fun to be with. You're also very cunning and cool. And you have really pretty fur. It's a nice color."
Perry blushed.
"I don't know you all that well, and I wish I could know you better. But I guess now it will never be. Signed, anonymous."
Perry didn't know what to say.
"Is it from your girlfriend or something?" Phineas asked.
"Definitely not. I don't get it… what am I supposed to do?"
"Start sending out wedding invitations." Ferb said.
...
"I SWUNG IN LIKE AN ORNAMENT!"
Perry dodged the giant plastic holiday ornament that soared past. Peter was standing on the top.
"A HOLIDAY ADORNMENT!"
Perry jumped back as the ornament returned to the other side.
"Peter, what the jingle bell are you doing?" Perry asked.
"I'm trying to make up a good song to use in our holiday show." Peter said.
"Quit swinging back and forth. You're making me dizzy."
"I can't stop." Peter said.
Perry grabbed the string that held the ornament on the ceiling.
The ornament stopped.
"You may want to try something a little less dangerous. You nearly took my head off with that thing." Perry advised.
"I'll tone it down." Peter agreed. He climbed down from the ornament. "Did you want something?"
"Do you know who wrote this?" Perry handed Peter his note. "I can't recognize the handwriting."
Peter looked at it. "It's faked handwriting. The A's aren't consistent. Whoever it was made sure you couldn't trace it."
"Do you think someone really has a crush on me? Or is it most likely some kind of practical joke?"
Peter shrugged. "It might not be a love note. It might just be a nice note."
"That's true. I guess I'll take it like that."
"Although…" Peter scratched his chin. "I heard a rumor that this one animal at the agency was gonna tell his or her true love how she or he felt about them. They could be your anonymous person thingy."
"Who?"
"I dunno." Peter shrugged. "Why do you want to find them so much?"
"Well… to thank them for the nice note." Perry said. "And really hope they don't have any romantic intentions. I have enough to worry about this month."
...
Perry chewed on the ribbon.
"Yeah, Stacy! So I told Jeremy I was getting him the COOLEST gift for Christmas. But I actually haven't thought of what that's gonna be. I'm wrapping dad's present right now. EW, PERRY!"
Candace snatched the bow from Perry's mouth and held the phone away from her face. "I know you're not mindless, you know. You can cut the act and quit DESTROYING EVERYTHING."
"I like destruction." Perry said.
"Ugh, sorry, Stacy. Just Perry being the world's most annoying pet. I don't get why the boys didn't just pick out a fluffy cute bunny or something."
"Oh, if you're talking about your former pet, the so-called Mr. Cutie Patootie, I hate to break it to you… but he's a mercenary for hire and nearly brought down the agency."
Candace threw a pillow at Perry. Perry caught it in his mouth.
"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Candace yelled. "I can't talk on the phone and babysit Meatbrick at the same time! COME GET YOUR UGLY SMELLY PET!"
"Scrooge you." Perry said.
"Coming." Phineas called. "Ferb and I are gluing snowflakes to the walls. They're made of actual unmeltable snow that we made ourselves."
"Ugh, do I have to do everything around here?" Candace muttered. She ran out the door and down the stairs. "MOOOOMMM!"
Phineas came in the room and picked Perry up. "I wouldn't make Candace angry, Perry."
"Why? Is she worse than you?"
Phineas laughed. "What? I don't ever get angry."
"But when you do, you're Vesuvius and everyone else is Pompeii."
"Help us decorate." Phineas said.
"Will you get angry if I don't?"
Phineas carried him down to the living room, where Ferb was attempting to detangle the Christmas lights to hang on the front of the house. Christmas music was coming from Ferb's boombox by the television.
"Perry says I'm scarier than Candace when I get angry." Phineas said.
"You are, actually." Ferb said.
"Am I scarier than you angry?"
"No." Ferb said. "But you wouldn't know. You have never, and never will see, me at my angriest."
"Let's tape candid photos of Candace on some tinsel and send it to Jeremy so they can have matching Christmas decorations." Perry said. He hopped down from Phineas's arms and started digging around in the decoration box. "Hey, here's my chewy Santa toy. I was wondering where that went."
"Mom put it in the decoration box because it was Christmasy." Phineas said.
"Oh, so I'm not allowed to play with Santa unless it's December? Has Linda never heard of Santa's summer run?"
"Santa doesn't come in summer." Phineas said. "Does he?"
"I wouldn't be standing here right now if he didn't. He saved my life a few summers ago. Hey, here's that Christmas ornament with one-and-a-half polar bears."
Phineas laughed. "Oh yeah. That was a gift from mom's first wedding. After she got divorced I ripped one of the polar bears out."
"That's violent." Perry said. "The polar bear didn't do anything to you. He was just sitting there being married to this other random polar bear."
"If I find the top half, I'll glue it back on and he can be dad." Phineas said.
"I meant to ask you about this one, too. Why is this ornament taped shut?" Perry held up an ornament shaped like a small book. It was taped on all sides so it couldn't open. The title was THE SANTA BEAR.
"Because it was sad." Phineas said. "The Santa Bear falls into a drainpipe and then all this stuff happens and then at the end he gets fixed but it made me cry so I taped it up so I would never have to see it again."
"And what about this elf?" Perry pointed at an elf ornament that was holding a tray of cookies. Only two cookies were left. There were six empty glue spots on the tray.
"That was from the Christmas when Ferb first lived with us." Phineas said. "He thought the cookies looked yummy so he ate them."
"They didn't taste yummy, though." Ferb said. "They tasted like ceiling tiles."
"How do you know what ceiling tiles taste like?" Perry asked. He kept looking through the box. "Goodness. Which ornaments HAVEN'T you guys massacred? We should buy some new ones."