Thank you all again soo much for the wonderful, and many, reviews! I love that everyone has theories about what might be wrong with Aria, and that y'all are so curious to find out whats wrong.
Jill -Thank you for mentioning that! I wasn't able to research about that at the time I was writing the chapter, no internet access.
And to all who are wondering if they missed something with Aria, perhaps in Fairly Foolish, no you have not. Remember this story takes place right after the epilogue of Fairly Foolish, which is four years later. Everything has gone mostly well until recent.
Okay, are you guys ready for this? You'll finally get a little more info on whats going on with Aria! Enjoy! I can't wait to see the reviews for this chapter!
Chapter Three: The Unwinding
Shrill cries of an infant pierce the air. It's the fourth time in as many nights that I have been jolted awake by the wailing of my three week old newborn. Annoyed, I throw back the covers off of me, as I glance over at Ezra who is still sleeping soundly. I can't believe that he hasn't been woken up. I stalk out of the bedroom and into the nursery next to me and Ezra's room. Brennan's frail little arms flail wildly from inside his crib. I step up beside his crib and pick him up, shushing him as I sit down in the rocker beside the espresso crib. I struggle for nearly fifteen minutes, just as I have to do with every feeding, to get him to latch correctly in order to get milk. Frustrated by the time he finally latches, I begin to cry.
"Why aren't you as easy as your brother and sister Brennen? Why do you have to give mommy such a hard time?" I cry. "Why can't you just nurse like they did, and sleep through the night like they did?"
"Aria." The sound of Ezra's voice shatters my thoughts. I glance up to see him silhouetted against the light beaming in from the hallway. Ezra steps over the threshold and walks over to me, sinking down on his knees beside me, his hand sweeping strands of hair out of my tear-stained face. He stares at me, his ice blue eyes, usually so full of happiness, are filled with pain and sadness, and soon tears are streaming down his cheeks too.
It's a little after six in the morning. I'm tossing and turning as I do almost every night at some point while I try in vain not to think of the past four months. Rolling over onto my left side I stare at Brennen sleeping peacefully in his crib. Last night was one of the few nights he has slept through the night, and even though I didn't sleep well, I'm glad one of us did. Brennen looks so fragile, so tiny, in the large espresso crib that was once Benjamin's. Ezra and I saved both of the cribs, knowing that we would one day have more children. Ezra had only wanted to keep one, but I had reminded him that there might be a time when we would once again have two children, though different ages, needing the cribs at the same time. Though now it seemed that having babies in both cribs may not be as big of a possibility as I had once thought it might.
Brennen suddenly stirs, pulling me from my reverie. I lay quietly, hoping he will stay asleep, but he begins to cry. Sighing, I toss back the covers and walk over to his crib. Brennen's little lip is in a pout, his ice-blue eyes watery with tears.
"Oh, my sweet boy, come here." I gently lift him from the crib and sit back down on the bed, leaning against the headboard. "How about we see if you're hungry?"
I pull an already made bottle out of the mini fridge next to my night stand, and place it in the bottle warmer that sits on top. After a couple of minutes it's warm. I sit back down on the bed and offer the bottle to Brennen, but instead of latching on he begins to fuss again. "Okay, okay, bud. Let's change your diaper and see if that helps."
"I'll do it Aria. Go back to sleep." Ezra says sleepily, suddenly sitting up next to me.
"It's okay. I was awake anyway, and he might be hungry after."
"Babe, I can make him a bottle. You need your rest; you've been tossing and turning all night."
"Ezra, I want to do it. I won't be able to get back to sleep anyway." I say angrily.
"Sweetie, calm down. I know you want to, but please let me help."
"Fine." I say, reluctantly handing Brennen over to Ezra. I lie back down; burying my face in my pillow and after several minutes, somehow manage to fall back asleep, though my dreams aren't any better than my reality.
"Aria Fitz?" A young nurse wearing pink scrubs, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail, stands at the threshold of the door leading from the waiting room into a hallway lined with doctors' offices. I stand up beside Ezra, who is carrying a sleeping four-week-old Brennen in his infant carrier, and we follow the nurse down the hallway. She stops just outside of an exam room.
"Go on in and have a seat. Dr. Hartly will be with you momentarily." Ezra and I sit down in the cold plastic blue chairs, waiting anxiously for Dr. Hartly to walk in through the door. This isn't just any normal doctor's visit, where Dr. Hartly normally checks up on how Brennen is doing. Ezra, frightened by how emotional, easily aggravated and seemingly nonexistent I had been since Brennen's birth, had begged me into making an appointment with Dr. Hartly to find out why my hormones seemed to be all out of whack. This time I was the patient.
Finally after what seems like several minutes, Dr. Hartly walks into the room, shutting the door behind her.
"Hello, Aria and Ezra. Oh, look at him, he is getting so big." Dr. Hartly comments, as she peers at Brennen. "So, Aria, I understand that you haven't been feeling yourself since Brennen has been born?"
I nod my head.
"Tell me what's been going on."
"I just...I…" I glance over at Brennen, sleeping soundly after what has been another bad night, tears welling in my eyes. "He doesn't sleep, I don't sleep, he cries all the time. It's so hard to breastfeed him because he doesn't want to latch on. I get easily frustrated with him when he is crying or won't nurse and I don't know why. I feel like we aren't bonding, it's almost like he isn't even mine."
Dr. Hartly frowns. "Aria, from what you're describing it sounds like you are suffering from postpartum depression. It's something many mothers have to cope with after the birth of a baby, whether it's their first child or third."
I stare at her in shock, tears that were welled up in my eyes, begin to spill over. "But, I can't have it. I was so happy during my pregnancy, so excited…"
"Aria, it's not something we can control, it just happens, even to the best of us."
"I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy again, and I want to enjoy my baby." I cried.
"Fortunately it is treatable. There are medications we can put you on. And it will take time for you to begin feeling like yourself again."
"Will I have to stop breastfeeding?"
"I'm afraid not. The medicine cannot be taking while nursing or pregnant."
"How long exactly until I begin feeling like myself?"
"A few months at least."
I nod my head again, still in shock. How could I, Aria Fitz, have postpartum depression? How could I not love my baby?