A/N: I hope everyone likes the story so far. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm about to have to change to weekly updates. I've been on a break from work, but now I go back to 40 hr workweeks and the whole distance class thing. I WILL try to update as often as I can. I am sorry about that though. I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. Thanks- Nik
Fears and Flashbacks
The wind blowing through my hair as I run is usually the greatest sort of high I can get, but today is different. I keep expecting Edward or Alice to pop out from behind a tree ready to kill me. I can't make myself go home to get spare clothes and necessities, so I stop by the store and buy something there instead.
The selection could be a little better. I think angrily as I flip through the racks of clothing. I finally find a pair of jeans that is only slightly too big, and a black t-shirt just a size too small with a band logo on it. I always have liked Kansas. I snatched the last pair of black boxers in my size and tossed a small wad of cash on the counter.
"Keep the change!" I tell the woman behind the counter. Her mouth drops open, but I am already walking towards the door. I change clothes in the forest and rush back to Bella's house to wait on her bed. I don't know what we are going to do.
Bella's POV:
I can't help but be nervous. I can feel Charlie's eyes on me as I cook our omelets. He must see that I'm jittery. He probably just thinks I'm high on something. I laugh to myself. When I finally finish and I sit down with him to eat, Charlie just stares at me.
"Uh, Bells?" he finally stutters out. "About last night-" he begins
My mouth drops open. I know he has to be staring at me, but I can't help myself. "Last night?" I ask cautiously, possibly a little hysterically. How could Charlie possibly know about last night?
"I normally don't…" Charlie looks mortified. It puts me a little at ease, but I'm still kind of nervous. I don't think Charlie would look mortified if this was an 'I caught you having sex' moment. "I don't want you thinking that just because I didn't come home last night that it is okay for you to stay out all night." Charlie forces out instead, trying to smile. It doesn't work.
I don't know what to think about this. What is he talking about? I just stare blankly at him. My stare must be making him nervous, because he keeps talking. "Actually, we did pull in about midnight, but Marlene wanted to uh- show me something back at her place. She was a little scared to go home by herself. I had a drink at the lodge, and I didn't want to drive home after drinking. That's the only reason I didn't come home."
The last part of Charlie's excuse is an obvious lie. What is wrong with Charlie? Does he think I have a problem with him going out? Then it dawns on me. Midnight. Charlie must have been overcome by mine and Jasper's emotions. This is so creepy on so many levels. I can't possibly finish my breakfast. Now I'm completely mortified. My lover's ability had obviously turned my dad and Marlene into replicas of teenage horndogs. Ick.
"Uh, Dad, I feel kind of sick. I think I'm going to go lie down. Just yell if you need me." I take off running up the stairs. I wonder if Jasper is back yet. When I reach my room, I slam the door and lock it behind me. I really do feel kind of sick. Charlie and Marlene Yancey, the librarian? Ick.
Jasper clears his throat behind me, and I jump nervously. "Did you hear that?" I ask, looking Jasper in the eye. "About Charlie, I mean."
"Yeah," he replies sheepishly. "Sorry about that. You have something about you that makes me lose control, Bell." I feel a little incredulous about that. Me, make Jasper
lose control? I can see my reflection in the mirror behind him, and there is nothing exciting about me. I'm just plain old Bella. Jasper, on the other hand, looks like a Greek god come down from Mt. Olympus.
He looks sort of nervous, like he feels the emotions that are coming out of me, but can't interpret the cause or meaning. His blonde hair hangs over his eyes a little. I imagine them blue, even though right now they are nearly black. Maybe they were blue once upon a time. He is muscular, but not like Emmett. Jasper has a slender frame, and his muscles are more toned, finer than Emmett's.
I think I love him. I don't know where the love came from. It isn't like it was when I fell in love with Edward. That was like lightning, so quick to appear, and disappearing later, just leaving the after-effects. It isn't like when I fell in love with Jake. I fell in love with Jake slowly, so slowly that I didn't even know it happened until Jake forced me to see it. I still love Jake, but not nearly as strongly as before.
I knew the moment I started falling for Jasper. It was after Victoria brought her army to us. I saw Jasper sitting alone outside the Cullens' house. He looked so distraught, but he must have been in control of himself, because I couldn't feel the wild emotion behind his eyes.
Flashback: Two months earlier
Edward pulls me into an embrace. I hug him back, feeling suddenly strangely annoyed. I have just received a lecture on how I should not ever let Angela talk me into going rock climbing because I'm far too clumsy and- blah, blah, blah. I guess I'm annoyed at him. Ever since I've become Edward Cullen' s fiancé, he acts like I am made of highly explosive chemicals.
It is really starting to get on my nerves. I miss Jake right now, more than ever. Jacob never treated me like I was fragile. He let me make my own decisions about things, and instead of crying about it, he protected me as we had our fun. Sure, a
sixteen year old werewolf is probably not a perfect example of mature, safety-conscious behavior, but who cares?
At least I could have some fun with Jake around. Edward has turned into an all out nightmare. 'Don't run up the stairs.' 'Don't touch Charlie's gun.' 'Don't get too close to Jasper, you smell far too good for him to be able to stand it.' I wanted to scream at Edward Cullen.
"I have to go Edward." I said, mostly honestly. "Charlie wants me home to go over to the lodge with him. He said he wants to take me out a few times before we get married and go off to the University of Alaska." Edward looks a little hurt, but I'm not feeling nice enough to care right now. Maybe it will make him start treating me like an adult instead of his klutzy kid sister. I shut the door behind me and exhale quietly.
I turn to leave, but when I start walking towards my truck I see a flash of blonde out of the corner of my eye. At first I think it is Rosalie, but then I realize with a start that it is Jasper. He is sitting on a bench in Esme's garden, staring off into space. At first, I wonder whether I should leave so that he doesn't get embarrassed, but then I realize that he might need someone to talk to. Why is Alice not comforting him? I wonder to myself briefly.
Jasper looks up as I approach. He smiles a brief smile, and then makes room for me on the bench. I know that he can feel my worry for him. I don't say anything; just allow him to sit in silence for a few moments.
"I know you're worried, Bell." he said finally. I looked up in surprise. No one had ever called me just 'Bell' before. Isabella, Bella, and Bells were all that I was used to hearing. Well, when I was small Charlie had liked to call me Izzy to get on my nerves, but that didn't count. I am almost pleasantly surprised that Jasper has a nickname for me. I always feel kind of strange around him since that whole birthday incident. I guess I'm worried that he'll resent me for making him show his weakness.
"Hello, I'm an empath, remember?" He smiles again, I guess at my confusion. I blush furiously. Jasper puts his arm around me, checking to see if I'm okay with the contact. I definitely am. Sometimes I forget how good vampires smell, and then one of them has to go and remind me. Right now I want to inhale his entire body. He smells even better than Edward, which is saying something.
"Sorry, Jasper, sometimes I forget." I reply, not quite sure what I meant by it. "Are you okay?"
"I'm all right." he answers quietly. "I just can't get Bree out of my mind. That is what I was created for, you know. To be like Bree, I mean. A mindless bloodthirsty killer. It could have turned out like that for me, if I had made just slightly different decisions. I could be a vicious murderer. When I think about that, I wonder if I should even bother with all of this. I shouldn't even exist. My existing is a danger for every human who is within a mile of me at any given moment. What if, for one second, I lost control? Half of Forks could be destroyed before I could restrain myself." he finishes. His face seems to sink as a look at him.
My heart is reaching out for him. Part of me longs to wrap my arms around him and promise him that everything will be all right. But I don't. Edward and Alice wouldn't appreciate that at all. Instead I say, "But Jasper, that is the whole point. You are not like Bree. You did everything you could to get out of there. You didn't want to be a 'vicious murderer.' You just wanted to exist at all. When you found out that there was another way, you threw yourself into it. It isn't your fault that Maria changed you. You didn't know better then. But you found a way out, and you took it. That makes you different."
"You are sitting here beside me, a delicious smelling, blushing human, and you are not murdering me. And that isn't because Edward would murder you. It's because we're friends, and you are stronger than everyone gives you credit for. You are stronger than you give you credit for." I mean every word, and more that I don't say. I just hope Jasper believes me.
My heart seems like it wants to overflow. I want to tear up, but I try to get my emotions in check so that Jasper doesn't have to deal with my crazy compassionate
feelings. He takes my free hand and gives it a quick gentle squeeze. "Thanks, Bell." he answers me quietly. "I guess I needed to hear that."
I get up, realizing that I told Edward that I am running late. "I have to go. I'll see you around Jasper. Oh, and Jasper, stop being so hard on yourself for things that you can't change."
I am almost to my truck when I hear Jasper beside me. "Bell, thanks for being so sincere." I turn to answer him, but he's back on the bench before I can blink. I nod, letting him know that I understand, and head home to Charlie.
End Flashback!
I know that Jasper and I have a lot to discuss, namely our terrible behavior regarding Alice and Edward. Sometimes though, when he looks so insecure, I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything will be okay. I have never given into that longing before, but I guess I'm already damned, so I run to him and put my arms around his neck. I can feel him relax beside me.
"Bella," he says questioningly, but he doesn't move me. "We have to talk sometime, love." The thrill I get when he calls me love still hasn't faded. I reluctantly pull away from him and my eyes go to the floor.
I don't know what to say. I am afraid that this is just some kind of reaction off of my feelings for him. What guy would be able to resist that amount of lust coming off of a woman? And I know that I was the instigator. I had hoped he would be watching me, that he wouldn't be able to resist my longing for him. I know that sometimes the emotions of others are so strong that it drives him to whatever that person is feeling.
I know that I love Jasper. The feeling gets stronger every day. But what does he feel for me? Is it just some kind of sick twisting of my own emotions? Or does he love me too?
Jasper's POV:
Bella is staring at the floor. The emotions coming off of her range from terror to love to worry and confusion. I wish I could know what is going through her mind. Ever since she came in the room, Bella's emotions had been wild and untamable. I had tried to calm her with my abilities, and nothing had worked. I guess that is because my emotions were no better at the moment.
"Bell, how did this happen?" I asked, scared to hear her answer. "We have Edward and Alice. What does this mean?"
"I don't know how it happened, Jazz. Somehow over the last two months, I have fallen for you hard. Things haven't been the same with Edward, not since Jake. He's so overprotective of me, and I think it must have made me push him away." she whispered quietly, still not looking at me. "I never get a second's peace when he's here. He is always worrying about me. I'm not made of glass, Jasper. I want to be treated like a woman. You've always treated me like a woman."
Bella's eyes flash up to mine for a split second before she forces them back to the ground. She is worried about how I'll react, I think. I reach down and cup her face in my hands.
"Bella, you have to know that I love you too." I tell her honestly. "Alice and I have been strangers sharing a bedroom for almost a year now. After your birthday she acts like she doesn't even trust me around you anymore. She of all people should know how hard it is, but she has been distant since then. Alice seems to feel like everything that happened as a result of that night is my fault. Including cliff diving and Jacob Black. Don't flinch like that, Bell. A paper cut is hardly something you should have to apologize for. It wasn't your fault..."
Bella cuts me off before I can finish. "Well it isn't your fault either." she says fiercely. It makes me love her even more. Her expression quickly changes to surprise though. "You didn't call him 'dog' or any other werewolf slang, why?" she asks curiously.
"You don't like that." I answer truthfully.
"Oh." she replies, touched. "Sorry for interrupting, go ahead."
"I fell in love with you that day on the garden bench, Bell. You were the only one who even noticed I was upset. I needed someone to comfort me, and my angel came along." I smile down at her shocked expression. "What is it?" I ask her, curious.
"It's just, that's the day I started falling for you." she replies cautiously. "Are you sure that my emotions aren't making you feel like you love me?" Bella blurts out, and the terror spiked again in her emotions. She had to force the question out of her mouth. That's what she is afraid of? I laugh.
Bella looks almost offended. I hurry to relieve her fears. "Bell, I feel that way no matter how far away I go from you. I tried it. I drove to Denali once I realized what I was feeling, just to make sure that it was for real. I love you when we're together, or apart." She seems much happier, but I can still detect her concern.
"Jasper, what do we do? About Alice and Edward, I mean?" she asks worriedly. Guilt and nervousness cloud the overwhelming love that I sense in her. Her hair falls into her eyes. I wipe it away tenderly, trying to soothe her fears.
"I guess we tell them the truth." I answer, feeling a bit concerned as well. "What else is there to do?"
I wonder if Edward will kill me.