A/N: This was fun but not easy to write. It's hard as hell to stay in character, tried my best not to mess them up too much. -_-
Enjoy chapter two!
UPDATE: Just wanna say I did NOT forget about this story! I know it's been a hell of a long time since I've posted but I've been away from home a lot and didn't have time to continue. Working on the next chapter at the moment so to everyone who is still here, thank you so much, it really means a lot!
Chapter 2
Fuck, Marry, Kill
The morning sun shone over the palace, making the vast pond of the Mariejois garden sparkle with a golden blue. The fresh breeze coming from the ocean brought a fragrant smell of salt, disturbing the trees and flowers ever so gently.
Crocodile woke up with a grunt; his head was pounding, a bitter reminder of the whiskey he had last night. Last night. He immediately got into a foul mood thinking about what happened. He was hoping to forget all about it after a good, long sleep but seems he wasn't that lucky. The fact that the first thing popping in his mind was that damn bastard's ugly mug made him furious. Tch. Not wanting to know where his thoughts would take him next he immediately got up and started getting ready.
Cold water splashed over the man's olive skin, gently trickling down his Adam's apple and collar bone. He really needed that.
Looking at his reflection in the mirror the long scar on his bridge twitched slightly. His eyes were so tired, it looked like he went to Impel Down and back. Splashing some more water on his palms he slicked his black hair back and gave himself one final look in the mirror – ready to go.
It was time for breakfast and even though his stomach was rumbling he felt reluctant to go down to the dining room and run into him. - That bastard must have slept like a baby – he thought, screwing on the golden hook and, as a finishing touch, putting on his coat. This was ridiculous, of course he will run into him. He will have to look at his mug for the two remaining days and he will have to put on a poker face and deal with it.
To get to the summer dining room one had to walk through the garden and reach the opposite side of the pond. The stairwells and the corridors were empty although you could hear the occasional sound of a servant's voice coming from afar. The gentle warmth welcomed Crocodile's face as he stepped into the garden. He paused briefly, took a cigar out of his pocket and placed it between his lips. Days like this made him happy to be alive and he suddenly wished he could be on a boat, sailing a distant ocean.
His lungs greedily accepted the smoke as he took his time slowly exhaling and admiring the view in front of him. "Good morning" someone greeted, interrupting his moment of peace and solitude. He turned to see the familiar face of Kuma approaching him with heavy footsteps.
"Good morning" he replied in a solemn voice.
"It's a beautiful day isn't it?" the tall, robust man continued. "Shall we?"
Crocodile nodded and the two men continued walking in silence.
The summer dining room was reminiscent of a gazebo, with a long, iron table placed in the middle and several garden chairs scattered around. A fragrant smell of coffee tingled Crocodile's nostrils. That's just what he needed right now, a cup of strong, black coffee to jerk him completely awake. Mihawk and Boa were already there, eating fresh fruits and pastry and casually discussing something they read in the morning newspaper.
"Good morning, slept well?" Mihawk asked studying Crocodile's face. "Great, never better." Croc replied pulling a chair opposite to him. "Well that was a blatant lie" the amber-eyed man thought to himself and continued skimming the newspaper. The bags under his eyes said more than a thousand words.
The table was unusually quiet the Croc thought, his eyes scanning the surroundings. Oh, well of course it was, he wasn't there yet. A feeling of slight relief suddenly came over him. At least he will be able to have a calm breakfast and prepare himself mentally for the upcoming meeting.
"Moriah didn't show up?" he asked trying to sound innocent and casual, without mentioning Doffy of course. "No, I'm guessing he hates sitting in the sun like this" Boa retorted, taking a sip of her tea. Mihawk, however, wasn't at all fooled. "Yes, it seems it's only the four of us. Doflamingo probably isn't showing up as well" he said while shrewdly examining Croc's expression. Damn, he saw right through him. "…but" Mihawk continued "...he did mention another poker game for tonight".
"Oh, a poker game again. Sure, I don't see why not." Crocodile answered in a casual tone pouring himself another cup of coffee. It was then that Mihawk decided to drop the subject, he wasn't a type of person that took pleasure in poking around too much, so the rest of the breakfast continued in silence.
The Shichibukai Breakfast Club entered the meeting room together, their arrival welcomed by Sengoku and Tsuru with a silent nod. Gecko Moriah was already there, his expression maniacal-looking as usual. In the corner just next to the entrance door stood Vice Admiral Smoker and, to everyone's surprise (except Mihawk's) Doflamingo, quietly discussing something. Two cigars hung loosely from the gray haired man's lips, arms crossed on his chest, eyes serious. Doflamingo, on the other hand, seemed completely untroubled, a sly smirk decorating his face. They kept talking for a couple more minutes until the Vice Admiral excused himself leaving the room in a hurry.
"Morning, everyone!" Doflamingo greeted taking his spot next to Mihawk who lightly shook his head in disapproval. It was curious how Mihawk always seemed to know everything about everyone without needing to ask any questions. A master of reading other people.
"You just never stop, don't you?" he whispered, loudly enough for the blonde to hear. Doffy giggled in response. "That obvious, huh? Fufufu, your perceptiveness never ceases to amaze me Hawkeye. Teach me sometimes?" "You wish…" Hawkeye retaliated, sinking deeper into his armchair, eyes disappearing under his hat. Doffy scanned the room and spotted Crocodile sitting alone, their eyes meeting briefly.
"Looks like someone had it rough…" the blonde thought, wondering if he was to blame for Crocodile's sleepless night. That made him all the more excited about the upcoming evening.
"Vice Admiral Tsuru will also be joining us today…" Sengoku started "…and we shall discuss the strategy in detail. As you already know, there have been rumors about the recent activity of the Red Hired Pirates, led by the infamous Shanks. Several of our spies reported that there have been clashes between Shanks's men and that of the other Yonko, Kaido. The best case scenario is the two of them engaging in battle and slaughtering each other, of course, but we cannot afford to leave anything to luck. We should not ignore the potential danger such a battle would pose for the civilians. Should any of them initiate a war, all of you must be on standby, we cannot let the situation get out of control. Millions of lives are at stake here…."
The meeting finally ended at eleven in the evening, with Kuma disappearing into the back office with Sengoku and Tsuru yet again, and the rest heading to the lounge to indulge in the long awaited night of drinking and gambling.
"I thought he would never shut up, I almost mummified myself in there…" Doffy complained lifting his arms above his head. "Agreed. If he tries to keep us this long tomorrow as well, so help me god I will petrify that man." Boa commented.
Soon after, whiskey and wine were flowing, cards were being thrown on the table, money and gold circling from person to person.
"That Kuma is becoming more and more "intimate" with the Navy, perhaps they are brainwashing him, hee?" Moriah commented "I'll see you 500 and raise another 2000" he added. "Doflamingo, you're always up-to-date with these things , what with your army of spies and all….you know something about this?" a squeak escaped his mouth.
"Fufufufu, well….I did hear rumors about Vegapunk poking around his brain…" Doffy replied mysteriously, trying to figure out if Moriah was bluffing.
"Preposterous! Are you serious?" the Pirate Empress asked in disbelief, throwing her cards on the table.
"That's the information I received, and you know my information is always right Hancock…"
"It's really hard to believe that he would completely submit to the government. What a fool." Gecko Moriah grunted, his usual grin replaced by a frown. "If that's really the case we best be careful what we discuss in his presence." he continued, suddenly getting up. "Gentlemen and lady, it's been quite entertaining but it's getting late and I must go out now. I have some unfinished business awaiting" the incredibly tall man (or creature, if you prefer) said swallowing his drink in one gulp and throwing his coat on. He headed into the darkness of the corridor with Doppelman following him and sending obscene gestures to the rest of the group.
"What is he being all mysterious about?" Boa's eyes followed Moriah's silhouette twisting a strand of hair around her finger. "Some things are better left unquestioned" Mihawk said, his voice wise and calm as usual. The poker game continued.
Crocodile lighted a cigar, looking at his cards one moment and studying Doflamingo's expression in the other. Nothing of last night was mentioned since they met today, not even an innocent tease or insolent comment, not a single smirk was directed at him. Did he actually drop it? The bastard had a toying-with-people-makes-me-hard-down-there-fetish. Pathetic.
Meanwhile Doffy was fidgeting in his chair, fingers busy with something in his pocket. "Now then….Kuma isn't here…Moriah left…and here we have the Great Pirate Empress of the Kuja tribe…the mysterious swordsman of Kuraigana Kingdom..and…." he let out a quiet giggle "…the Great Sir Crocodile, Hero of the Arabasta Kingdom…looks like I'll just have to work with what I have…" the blonde thought to himself, very obviously plotting something. He got up and walked to the liquor cabinet. "My dear friends…" he announced "I have a special treat for you….to make up for all the things I said yesterday" a remorseful expression on his face. The remaining three raised their eyebrows in suspicion. Doffy pulled out a strangely shaped bottle from the inside of his feather coat. "An exquisite vintage wine, courtesy of Dressorsan vineyards. A single glass of this beauty will take you to heaven." He explained, sounding like the most skilled salesman. "Well, if you insist!" Mihawk said already hooked.
"Excellent! Allow me to pour you a little..." the Joker smiled collecting their glasses and turned, facing the cabinet. He placed the glasses on the wooden surface, cautiously pulling something else out of his pocket. It was a small, unlabeled vial. He filled the three glasses with wine and when sure no one was watching removed the cork and equally distributed the white, gooey liquid.
"Caesar...I need a favor" the blonde man purred walking around the mad scientist's laboratory. Hundreds of vials and flasks decorated the shelves, each of them labeled "toxic" or "infectious".
"Joker needs my help!" the gas man chirped, nervously floating from one end of the room to the other. "How can I be of service?" he continued, face flushed.
"As you already know, I'm big in the underground business. Drugs, weapons, devil fruits…I'm practically running the New World's black market. Many esteemed gentlemen depend on me and my merchandise. However, there is one other thing that comes in handy in the underworld; information. I have thousands of trusty spies scattered all over the world, constantly supplying me with pieces of valuable information. Deception, blackmail, extortion…these are my tools of trade..." he paused briefly, examining one of the bottles on the poison shelf. Caesar gulped, cheeks blushing.
"I'll be spending a few days at Mariejois, along with my fellow Shichibukai. And I would like to use this rare opportunity and dig around their brains…and that's where you come in." Doffy stood in front of Caesar, grabbing his hands. "O..of.. c.. , what do you n..n..need Joker?" Caesar stuttered, his blush deepening. Doffy smiled. "A powerful truth serum. One that could help me penetrate very, very deep. And of course, all of your services will be generously rewarded. What do you say..?" he pulled his face closer, hands now cupping the other man's jaw. Caesar let out a quiet moan, his whole body shaking. "I'm…going...to faint…." he panicked trying hard to keep his composure, his vision blurred.
"Of course I'd be happy to help you J..joker…i..in fact, I have just what you are looking for over here…" he squealed pulling away gently. After a few seconds of searching through his shelves and cabinets Caesar presented him with a small vial, no label on it. "I have to warn you, Joker. I've recently developed this serum and it's very strong. But I'm afraid it's still not completely stable. You must be careful and use only small amounts. Additionally there might be various side effects. Heart palpitations, hot flashes, lethargy, vomiting…the pituitary gland might start secreting hormones as well. Unfortunately, I cannot be certain which symptoms would be manifested. Each of my test subjects have reacted to the serum differently." he finished, placing it in Doffy hand. "I see….well, since it can't be helped…"
He didn't really care about the side effects, after all, no price is too high as long as he gets what he wants. "Thank you Caesar. I will compensate you as soon as I return..." the Joker whispered, his tone teasing and sly, Caesar was on the verge of exploding. "Shurorororo..I'll be waiting Joker…shuroro..." the scientist laughed weakly, falling to his knees.
"For you to do something nice for once…I'm in deep shock." The Pirate Empress admitted eyeing him, an alluring glint in her eyes. Mihawk tilted the glass slightly, enjoying the fragrant smell of the drink. Swirling it, he observed the color like a true professional and finally took a sip, letting it linger in his mouth. "Exquisite…" his taste buds celebrating its acidity.
"Glad you like it…" Doffy smiled with satisfaction. "Even Hakweye suspects nothing …fufufu.."
"I don't drink wine, just whiskey for me." Crocodile commented pushing his glass away.
"Oi, oi, Croc, don't disappoint me now. It wasn't easy getting my hands on this. Go on, just one glass and I promise you won't regret It." the blonde assured him, gently patting his shoulder. Crocodile twitched. "Alright. I'll try it." he surrendered.
The blonde quietly rejoiced gulping on the wine himself (his didn't have any serum inside, of course).
He took a seat, playfully shuffling the cards, then carefully studied the three of them. "According to Caesar the serum should start working few minutes after ingestion…Let's do a little test..." he contemplated, wondering who to pick first. "Hawkeye has always been a hard one to crack..."
"Say Hakweye…" Doffy started, dealing out the cards "as a swordsman you always kill you opponents in battle. How many have you killed so far?" Mihawk looked him in the eye. "I cannot remember the exact number, far too many fools have challenged me over the years. But there is an interesting thing I can share…some time ago I met a man…young and foolish like most, rushing to battle without thinking of the consequences. Well, this man was one of the rare whose life I actually spared. Facing me head on, unafraid of death, a look of determination and defiance in his eyes. A true swordsman. I must admit he made my heart flutter." he narrated, sinking deeper into his chair. "Incredible…" Doffy thought "…Hawkeye is a man of few words, normally he would never share something like this…the damn thing is actually working!"
"Hey Hancock" Doffy continued his interrogation, eyes scanning the Pirate Empress. "You always say no man is worthy of you. Is this really true? Perhaps you have in mind a type of man who would fit your criteria perfectly….hmm?" Boa's face suddenly turned a dark shade of pink. "Well….in fact, there is a type of man that would be able to please me…" she whispered, nervously playing with a strand of her hair. "Ohhh, and what type of man is that?" Doffy purred, he found her sudden change in expression terribly amusing. "A man with a pure heart. Someone who I wouldn't need to petrify as soon as he approaches. A man whose mind wouldn't be filled with dirty thoughts as soon as he sees me. But that kind of man doesn't exist. I'm sure of it." she finished, her voice filled with resignation.
"Oh Hancock, don't lose hope. I'm sure that one day such a man will walk into your life. You'll see!" Doffy chimed with fake consideration while gently squeezing the Empress's hand. "That's very nice of you to say! I might have underestimated you…"
"Oh Hancock, don't worry, it's all water under the bridge! Glad we could finally be sincere with each other!" the blonde retorted giving her a big-brother look. He was so proud of himself, his son-of-a-bitch level was slowly approaching a new record.
"Since we are sharing personal information, I was meaning to ask you for some time now Crocodile…what are you plotting in Arabasta, exactly?" Mihawk suddenly jumped in on the interrogation. "My, my, that's just what I was about to ask fufufu…" Doffy thought leaning in closer so he wouldn't miss a single detail.
"Well…I shouldn't be discussing this really…" he confessed, unconsciously adjusting the rings on his right hand "you all know about The Three Ancient Weapons mentioned in the poneglyphs. Well, one of the poneglyphs exists in the Arabasta Kingdom, and I've recently met a person who has the ability to decipher them. This old ruin should be hiding the location of one of the three Weapons, Pluton…."
"Good GOD, he's spilling all of it. It's unbelievable how good this thing is working" Doffy thought while making a mental note of these shocking confessions.
The innocent interrogation went on and on and the blonde was all ears. "I somehow feel like I've said too much tonight…" Crocodile was suspicious, rubbing his temples. "Oh don't be ridiculous Croc, we're just chatting here. Everyone's secrets are perfectly safe, right?" Doffy said trying to sound very convincing and trustworthy. "Hey!" he started, interrupting Croc's train of thoughts "everyone, let's play a fun game! Anyone ever heard of "Fuck, Marry, Kill?" "Are you serious?" Boa gave him a look that could kill. "Oh come one now, it'll be fun! We're just fooling around, we're all adults here, aren't we? I'll start!" the blonde exclaimed, his eyes glowing like those of a child in front of a candy shop window.
"Hancock! Fuck, Marry, Kill: Sakazuki, Kuzan, Kizaru." He whispered, smile bigger than ever. She needed a bit of persuasion.
"You idiot! Why do I need to go first? Very well, let me think….Kill Kizaru, just because he's an annoying bastard. Fuck…" her face suddenly turned purple "Sakazuki…but only because I'd rather die than marry that brute. And marry Kuzan, he's the only one that seems a bit civilized. "she shivered, covering her face with her hands. "Fufufufu, very good Hancock, you really pleasantly surprised me! Your turn!" "Alright then…Doflamingo, Fuck, Marry, Kill: Sengoku, Garp, Tsuru" this time Boa was the one grinning deviously. "Oh! I love how disgusting you are Empress! Haha, to think that I thought you didn't have a sense of humor. Alright…Marry Tsuru, because she's a funny old woman, plus she'll probably bite the dust in a couple of years, no big loss. Kill Sengoku, his head is too high up too damn often. And fuck Garp, I've always had something for experienced old men…." He finished triumphantly while the other three looked at him in shock. "Fufufu my turn again. Hawkeye!" Doffy's eyes looked at the amber ones with amusement. "What did you say the name of that swordsman boy was again?" "I didn't. His name was Roronoa Zoro." Mihawk replied, his face a frozen. "Ok, ok…so…Fuck, Marry, Kill: Roronoa Zoro, Red Hair Shanks, Vice Admiral Smoker." MIhawk smiled enigmatically "Fine, I'll answer, but I think I should be asking you a similar question. You sly bastard." he finished the sentence in his head. "Marry Shanks, he seems like the kind of man who wouldn't be too clingy or demanding. Kill Smoker, better him than me, don't you agree? And fuck the rogue little Roronoa. "
The other three burst into laughter making Mihawk blush slightly. "Fools, I was just being honest, I'm shocked at myself for even playing this preposterous game." the amber-eyed man said, waiting for the three of them to calm down. "Are you quite finished? Good! My turn. " his eyes switched to Croc. "Crocodile, Fuck, Marry, Kill ; Me, Hancock, Doflamingo." "Oh go to hell Hawkeye you prick" Crocodile thought wondering what would be the least horrible answer. "Fufufufufu, you really decided to spicy this up, didn't you old man?" Doffy screamed almost falling from his chair. "I will remember this Hawkeye, mark my words." Crocodile threatened, his olive skin rapidly changing colors.
"Marry Hancock. Fuck Hawkeye. Kill Doflamingo. And I will not elaborate." he stuttered quickly lighting a cigar. "Ouch, that really hurt Croc! Do you hate me that much?" Doffy cried, wiping fake tears from his eyes. "I would never hear the end of it if I answered differently…" Crocodile thought while dense white smoke flowed out of his mouth. "But you have to elaborate, everyone else did!."
He looked at him with exploding rage. "Marry Hancock. Seeing how I won't be able to even set foot on her island I suppose that would be a distance-relationship-marriage thing. Fuck Hawkeye because he's the lesser of two evils. The rest you know." "Oh, don't be like that Croc, why would you kill m…" Doffy started but couldn't finish his sentence. "I feel strange…" Boa suddenly muttered, touching her forehead. "Of course you do, what normal person wouldn't when being forced to answer such embarrassing questions" Mihawk spoke shaking his head in shame.
"No, I'm serious, my body feels strange. I'm suddenly feeling so hot I feel like jumping out of my skin" the Empress shivered breathing heavily. She tried getting up and would have collapsed if Mihawk wasn't there to catch her. "Oy, oy, keep it together Hancock, are you ok? Woman, you're burning up! What in the world is wrong with you all of a sudden?" looking at her with worried eyes he noticed her breathing became deeper. "I…I need…water…right now…"
Seeing how she couldn't even stand on her own feet Mihawk firmly grabbed her waist and knees, lifting her. "I'm taking her to her room and calling the doctor." he said sharply, storming out with the Pirate Empress shaking in his arms.
Crocodile's eyes suspiciously scanned Doflamingo. "Did you have anything to do with this bird?" "Don't be ridiculous! I'm as confused as you are!" the blonde retorted trying his best to sound innocent. "And is it just me or is this room hot as hell?" Crocodile groaned loosening his collar. He could feel the inside of his head pounding, vision becoming blurry in an instant. "It was you…you..you bastard…what did you give us…was it poison?" the tall man growled wiping sweat off his face. "I didn't give you anything! Why are you trying to blame me? What's happening to you, what's wrong?" Doflamingo kneeled in front of him. "What do you feel? Tell me." He continued, his hand lightly touching Crocodile's. "I…I can't say…it's just…too embarrassing…I'd rather gut myself with my own hook than say it in front of you."
"Damn it Crocodile, tell me now, I don't know how to help you, explain your symptoms, don't be childish! How bad can it be?"
"Very… bad…." he writhed, bracing himself. "Oy, crocodile bastard, spill it! Where does it hurt?"
"It…doesn't hurt…it just…" Doffy studied him carefully. He was sweating, his face was red, his limbs were twitching, a bulge in his crotch was growing….Wait, WHAT?!
"Why is my body doing this? Croc thought to himself while desperately gasping for air. "No, no and no, why in front of him?"
"Did you just….…get an erection?" Doffy laughed in disbelief.
"YES, THAT'S RIGHT. Fuck…what is happening to me…" Crocodile growled gritting his teeth.
"Oh...my…god…are these side effects of the serum as well? Fufufufu ..."
Let me take you to you room, and don't struggle, you can barely stand, let alone walk. Just lean on me and go." Doffy ordered helping him stand up. He didn't protest.
Crocodile's arm was over Doffy's shoulder in an instant, the two men staggering towards the rooms, their footsteps and heavy grunts rhythmically echoing through the corridor.
Unlocking the door Joker carried a trembling Croc into the room, gently laying him down on the bed. Firmly gripping on his biceps, the blonde could feel his muscles pulsating with overwhelming heat. Crocodile winced; the gentlest touch sent electric shocks through his whole body. "What should I do?" Doffy asked. Crocodile looked up, their eyes instantly connecting. A throaty "help me" escaped his lips.
He strengthened the grip, his hands sliding up to hold his shoulders. Doffy smirked, licking his lips in the process. He placed a hand on Crocodile's jaw, slowly leaning forward until the gap between them closed. Completely.
A/N: Couldn't help but remember the "Gravity Falls" scene when typing the word "pituitary gland". :3